Mozart's Sister (31 page)

Mania stepped toward him, her hands grappling. "But, Leopold.
You can't. You can't leave us without income."

He stopped in the hall leading to the bedchambers, which
allowed her to catch up to him. Touch him. Yet now, with her husband within reach, Mama withdrew her hands.

"I can't leave," he said simply.

He looked at Mama, then at me, and I hated the pain in his
eyes. We were a burden on his back, holding him down, preventing
him from flying free. I'd wanted my own freedom, but at this
moment, for the first time, I realized Papa wasn't free either. In fact,
perhaps he was the most imprisoned of us all.

Wolfie was the one to break the moment. "I can go alone, Papa.
I can. I know I can."

Papa looked toward him, but I could tell his eyes were full of
other sights, other thoughts beyond this slice of time. He changed
direction and strode to the front door.

"Where are you going?" Mama asked.

"To grovel," he said.

He left us alone in an aching silence.

Mama took our hands. "We must pray, children. Pray for your
Papa, pray for us all."

In gracious confidence that the petitioner will conduct himself calmly and
peaceably with the Kapellmeister and other persons appointed to the court
orchestra, His Grace retains him in his employment and graciously commands
him to endeavor to render good service both to the Church and to His Grace's
person.

So wrote the archbishop. So ended Papa's hope of ever being
free. Yes, he had his job back-but with the contingency he behave
himself. It was a humiliation. It was an affront. It was a blessing.

It was not just Papa's life that changed with the letter. The world
as I knew it stopped. I didn't much care whether the world was flat,
round, or shaped like a snuff box when Papa declared that Wolfie
and Mama were going to travel in search of a position, leaving me
behind with him. Such a scenario had never entered my thoughts.

The idea filled me with excitement and trepidation. Over the
past few years, Papa hadn't shown much interest in me. Wolfie had
been his focus. His life. I was just his daughter. He loved me, I knew
he did, but I was not special to him. I didn't make his ambitions and
creativity soar like Wolfie did. Wolfie stirred something deep inside
him, touching an unreachable place. But with Wolfie gone, with
Mama gone with him ... would Papa see me differently? Would he
let me in? Or would we live separate lives, together, yet apart?

Mama walked past me, carrying linens into their bedchamber.
Her brow was drawn. I hurried after her, taking some of her load.
"Are you excited, Mama?" I asked. "You get to go." There was
much implied in that one word.

She faced me, the linens a barrier. "I have to go."

I didn't understand. "You don't want to?"

"Your father and brother are the travelers."

"As am I," I said. "I love to travel."

She raised her chin. "But I do not." Her eyes scanned the bedchamber. "I like it here."

"I agree this house is lovely. It's so much better than the last-"

She shook her head. "I liked it there too. The house is not the
home in my heart, Nannerl. Salzburg is. I know here."

"But Wolfie will be with you."

She gave me the look I deserved. "I am going along to help him,
not the reverse. I will have to handle all the arrangements your father
managed in the past. I will have to deal with the constant packing
and unpacking, I will have to cope with the different monies, plus
curtail your brother and his undisciplined ways." She shook her
head. "Your father has indulged him. It is not to my advantage. Nor
his"

I knew this to be true. Although Wolfie lived with great responsibility and pressure in regard to his music, he had not been held
accountable for daily tasks. To my brother, food magically appeared
without cost or effort, living quarters cleaned themselves, and carriages emerged at just the right moment to whisk him away. In this,
I was as culpable as my parents. I'd always doted on him, and somehow he'd made me feel it was worth it.

While he'd been away with Papa there was little need for Mama
or me to worry about such logistics. In Papa's presence, the worldwhether it be Milan, Paris, or Rome-was suitably controlled. Curtailed. Cushioned for the rest of us. But without that cushion ...

"I have to go now, Nannerl. I have much to do."

Mama went into the bedchamber and I hesitated to go after her.
In the many months and even years we'd been left behind, we'd
come to recognize each other's moods and knew when space was
required. As it was now

Wolfie popped his head out of his bedchamber. "Psst!" He
motioned me inside and closed the door.

"I can't have Mama go! I won't allow it!"

I was taken aback. His juvenile declaration proved he was not
capable of going alone. "Allow, Wolfie? You won't allow it?"

He sat on his bed and fell backward, his arms wide. "I know, I
know What I want is not considered." He pushed himself up to his
elbows. "That's the problem. What am I going to do, Nan? I don't
want to be saddled with Mama for months and months."

I felt my eyebrows rise. "Saddled?"

He slid off the bed, moved to his wardrobe, and began plucking
out shirts and breeches, discarding them on the floor. "Don't act all
huffy. If I can't be honest with you ..."

I retrieved a pair of silver blue breeches and folded them. "Why
do you say that about her?"

He wrapped a neck scarf around his hand, over and over, staring
past me. "She's so ... dull. She isn't bold like Papa or vibrant like
you. She's just there, like a table or a pretty settee" He cocked his
head. "In fact, forget the pretty part."

I grabbed the scarf away from him. "That was rude!"

"So be it. I have absolutely nothing to say to Mama. Nothing."

"But she's your mother."

He shrugged. "I know the woman who collects the refuse from
the cistern better than I know her."

Although I was appalled by his coldness, inwardly, I knew it
might be true. Mama was not demonstrative nor outgoing (or
pretty). Even when we had company, she was content to serve the
food and let the others fill the evening with lively chatter and jokes.
And though I knew her well, Wolfie had been away for most of his
growing -up years....

I could not imagine their trip being filled with lively chatter.
Pairing the two of them would be like pairing a swan with a squirrel.
The impression intensified as I imagined them in a cramped carriage, the swan sitting erect and regal, while the squirrel chattered
and scattered, never able to be still.

It would never work.

Wolfie took the scarf back and tossed it on the bed. "I wish
you could come with me, Nan. We'd have such a grand time." He
took my hands in his and danced me around the room. "The two
Wunderkinder, off to conquer the world!"

I pulled my hands away, stopping the dance-but not because I
didn't enjoy it. The shock of Wolfie's suggestion forced me to concentrate on the thoughts swirling in my head. Me? Go with Wolfie?

He smirked at me. "You like the idea, don't you?"

I put a hand to my chest, trying to calm its beating. "I do." I
laughed. "I really do! I never thought of such a thing. Why didn't I
think of such a thing?"

"Because you're the good child, the obedient child who always
does as she's told, and once Papa said Mama was-"

"Yes, yes. That's it." And it was. I was so used to being left
behind that I'd never truly believed there was an alternative.

Wolfie took my hand and pulled me out of the room. "Let's go
tell Papa"

I pulled him to a stop. "We don't tell Papa anything. We ask."

He flicked the end of my nose. "We ask with confidence, with
force if necessary. This is the best way, Nan. We both know it."

We knew it. But could we convince Papa?

Papa was in the music room, going through scores. He looked
up as we entered and spoke to Wolfie. "You'll need to get copies
made along the way, as needed. It would be much too bulky to
bring all of them. . . " He stopped talking and looked at each of us
in turn. "What's going on?"

Wolfie bounced on his toes. "I want Nannerl to go with me on
the trip."

Inwardly, I cringed. I would not have stated it so plainly.

Papa looked directly at me. "Surely, this is not your idea,
daughter?"

"No, but I think it's a good one." I looked to Wolfie for support.
"We could be the Wunderkinder again-performing, making
money to pay our way, and-" I saw Mama come in the room.

Papa pointed in her direction. "Maria, the children have
informed me they want to travel together."

"Leaving me here?" There was a hint of hope in her voice.

"Exactly. It's an absurd idea. Two children-"

"I'm twenty-six, Papa," I said.

Wolfie hopped beside me. "And I'm twenty-one. We're plenty
old to-"

To get into trouble."

"We wouldn't, Papa," I said. "I'd make sure"

Papa took my face in his hands and kissed my forehead. "Ali,
youth. You are not your brother's parent, Nannerl. You do not have the authority needed to keep him in line."

Wolfie put his hands on his hips. "I don't need a nanny. I'm a
grown man.

Papa snickered. "Neither one of you has ever handled moneymuch less carefully budgeted money. And where do you hire honest
coachmen? And what is a reasonable price for a room? And what if
one of you gets sick?" He turned to his wife. "Mama and I are the
ones who know the remedies, who know what to ask a doctor and
why."

I looked to Mama, wishing she'd say something. But she just
stood there, her eyes down, her hands busy with the edge of her lace
neckerchief.

I took a breath and let the truth spill forth. "Mama doesn't want
to go either."

While Mama looked aghast that I'd betrayed this confidence,
Wolfie pounced. "See? Mama wants to stay here with you. The two
of you could have a lovely time of it without your grown children
in the way, and-"

Papa cleared his throat. "No. In lieu of myself, your mother
must be the one to go. Her maturity and business knowledge will
be to our advantage."

I knew Papa was referring to the various business instructions
he'd sent to Mama while he and Wolfie had been gone, instructions
about getting music copied, obtaining good prices on loans, of distributing Papa's book on violin technique....

What he didn't know was that I had been the one to make sure
most of his instructions were carried out. Mama said they gave her
a headache. We'd both agreed not to let Papa know that it was I
carrying out his orders, but now, when the truth would have been
to my advantage ... to break that confidence along with the
other ... I wasn't sure I could do it. Mama looked so forlorn, and
there was no way I could tell whether her distress was caused by
having Papa know she'd rather stay home, or the fact that he still
seemed adamant in making her go.

Papa put his arm around his wife, offering her a smile. "Your
mother and I are used to being apart. And you children are everything to us. We will make every sacrifice necessary to ensure you receive only the best life has to offer. Right, Anna?"

Her eyebrows touched, then parted. He squeezed her shoulders,
forcing an answer. "Yes, dear one," she finally said. "You know best."

"Of course I do. So there will be no more talk of two youngsters
venturing out into the world. Discipline and maturity. That's what
is needed on such excursions. Not frivolity and youthful notions."

"But, Papa. Nan and I-"

"Will do as I say." He pointed at each of us.

And that was that.

As if by mutual decision, the four of us kept our distance that
evening and went to bed without the usual banter. It took me a
long time to get to sleep as the thoughts and images of what might
have been refused to retire peaceably.

If only Wolfie hadn't reawakened them in the first place....