Mr. Darcy Broke My Heart (19 page)

Embarrassment still stained my cheeks, and I was distinctly uncomfortable whenever his gaze happened to move over me. But as he continued to expound on his theory, I realized something. He had to have written this paper long before he even met me, whatever he might have told me earlier. No, these sentiments were not the result of my duplicity or Neil’s unexpected arrival. James had taken issue with Austen’s version of love long before I ever entered the picture.

I glanced around the circle and caught Eleanor’s eye. She was looking at me with both contempt and pleasure. I quickly
shifted my gaze elsewhere, but no matter where I focused, I couldn’t escape my own thoughts. Or my own guilt. Somewhere beyond the walls of Christ Church, Neil was wandering the same streets that I had wandered, trying to figure out why he’d ever asked me out in the first place. And right in this very room, I was trying to figure out the same thing.

Who had I become in the past few days? Or was the question more serious than that? Perhaps the real puzzle was, who had I become in the years since my parents’ death?

For the second time that morning, I felt as if I might vomit. I lurched to my feet, stumbling over Martin’s sensible professor-type shoes, and headed toward the door.

“I’m sorry. Excuse me.” By the time I made it outside the circle, I was seeing stars. I could only pray that I wouldn’t trip on the stairs or otherwise land in a heap before I could escape.

Almost on instinct, I made my way to the river. I collapsed on the grass and took in deep gulps of air. At midmorning, the path along the bank was largely deserted, and only the occasional punt glided past. I’d observed the flat-bottom boats on the little stretch of river and decided they looked deceptively innocent, like Missy just before she asked me for a gigantic favor. Even the laughing young college students seemed to find them hard to maneuver, the unwieldy length of the pole often slipping from their hands and leaving them stranded midstream. I had witnessed one young man take a headfirst tumble into the river while attempting to impress his girlfriend.

I sighed and closed my eyes in an effort to find some measure of calm.

“Ahoy, landlubber.”

My eyes popped open at the sound of that deep, familiar voice.

The last sight I’d ever expected to see was Neil standing on the back of a punt, poling the little boat along. He drew the punt up to the bank and brought it to a stop a few feet from where I sat on the grass.

“Hey.” I didn’t know what to say.

“Can I give you a lift?” His enigmatic expression gave me no clue as to what he was thinking.

“I’m not sure why you’d want to.” I still felt the sting of shame that had struck me earlier that morning. That continued, even now, to burn.

He looked serious, his jaw tense, but at least he’d stopped when he saw me.

“We need to talk, Claire.”

I nodded, but it took all the courage I could muster not to turn and run back toward Christ Church.

“I’m supposed to be at Harriet’s soon.” Which was true, but it was a while before she ’d be expecting me.

“I have no idea who Harriet is,” Neil said with a frown. “I’m thinking of abandoning ship whenever I find a pub.” He reached out a hand. “You’re welcome to come along.”

What was I supposed to say? What could I say?

“All right.”

The fact that Neil would want me within ten feet of him after what had happened with James amazed me. And frightened me a little too. He wasn’t the vengeful type—not in the least. But I wouldn’t have blamed him if he’d succumbed to the temptation to tip the punt over—and me into the river.

“Watch your step.” He held out his free hand while the other gripped the pole that held the boat steady.

I scrambled to my feet and slung my purse over my shoulder. Then I reached out and took his hand.

A bolt of pure sensation shot up my arm and stunned me.

“Claire? It’s okay. I’ve got you.” His gaze locked with mine, holding me as firmly as his hand held mine.

I forced myself to breathe. To move my feet and step into the boat. To release his hand as I sank onto one of the wooden planks that served as seats.

Neil?
I’d felt a zing with Neil? In the eighteen months I’d known him, that had never happened before. A pleasant warmth, maybe. A sense of comfort and connection. But not this kind of energy or awareness. There had never been a zing.

“I’m fine,” I said, more to reassure myself than him.

“Good. All right, then. Let’s see if I can get this thing moving.”

I looked up at him. His hair, backlit by the sun, was edged with gold, and his face was in shadow. His forearms flexed each time he pulled the pole up and then dropped it down again to push us farther down the river. I was mesmerized by them.

“Why are you even speaking to me?” I managed to ask when I finally tore my eyes away from his arms.

He hesitated in his movements for the briefest fraction of a second. If I hadn’t been watching him so intently, I would have missed it. I’d always found Neil to be an open book, but I knew at that moment that I’d been wrong to assume there wasn’t more to him than what he revealed to the world. Was it that I had missed the obvious signs, or was it that I hadn’t wanted to know more about what went on in his head? Shame washed over me, because I knew the answer to that question, and it wasn’t a flattering one. I hadn’t consciously been keeping him at arm’s length, but the effect was the same.

“Claire?” He pulled the pole out of the water, but instead of dropping it again, he turned it horizontally and laid it along the length of the boat. Then he lowered himself to the plank opposite mine. The punt drifted toward the bank, grazed it, and then came to a stop. “We have to talk about what happened this morning.” He looked at me, and I could see the hurt in his eyes. Guilt poured over me. “Do you want to start or should I?” he asked.

I had known that the moment of reckoning would come, but that didn’t make me dread it any less.

“I’m sorry.” I didn’t know what else to say. Well, I did, but I didn’t want to say it. I wasn’t used to looking like a villainess. I’d always imagined myself a heroine, like Elizabeth Bennet.

“I understand you’re sorry. What I don’t understand is why you let it happen.”

I looked up into his eyes and saw that he genuinely meant what he said. “Why are you being so calm about this?” I asked.

He reached out and took my hand, and there was that zing again. I wanted to snatch my hand back. I didn’t deserve his tenderness, but I needed it more than I was ashamed to receive it.

He cleared his throat. “You may want to wait to decide how calm I am. Right now I’m just trying to figure out what’s going on.”

I left my hand in his and stared at the bottom of the punt. “I don’t really know how it happened. One moment I was sitting there, in the Junior Common Room, looking over the list of attendees. And the next thing I knew, James showed up and…”

I couldn’t believe I was telling him the truth. If ever I was going to lie, now would have been the time. But I couldn’t. Not while Neil was looking at me that way.

“He’s a good-looking guy, I guess.” Neil’s tone was gruff. “I know I haven’t paid you as much attention as I should have. Maybe you just needed—”

“It’s not just because you took me for granted.” I shocked myself as much as Neil with those words. “Maybe I was feeling ignored. I don’t know. I guess I swallowed my resentment. But that’s not the reason I developed… feelings for James.”

“Then why?”

I hung my head and studied the bottom of the punt. “I don’t know.”

He paused, and I saw the shadow of pain in his eyes. “I just wish you’d been honest with me. That would have been a lot easier.” He gave a crooked smile. “It would have saved me a lot of money on a plane ticket too.”

“Why are you here?” I hadn’t really had a chance to ask, since everything had happened so quickly. “You never said anything about coming over. In fact, I wasn’t even sure you were paying attention when I said I was leaving.”

He scowled now for the first time since I’d gotten in the punt. “After you left, I realized—” He broke off and cleared his throat. “I realized that maybe I haven’t put as much time into our relationship as I should have.”

“Neil, I’m so sorry.”

He let go of my hand and rested his forearms on his knees. They were well-muscled from his regular workouts and his weekly pickup basketball game. I’d always taken his strength for granted. He was terrific around the house. He’d replaced the facings on my kitchen cupboards, helped me to retile my bathroom, changed my flat tire when I’d gotten stuck in the rain. But now I looked at his arms and realized that where I really wanted them to be was around me.

The thought shocked me. Neil and I had a comfortable, easy relationship. Maybe too easy. And suddenly I was feeling zings and having carnal thoughts about his forearms.

Confusion and shame are a potent cocktail and never do much for a woman’s good sense.

“I guess it happened because… well, because I suspected that you don’t really need me,” I blurted out.

He jerked back as if I’d slapped him.

“Need you? No, I don’t,” he said, anger streaming into his voice for the first time. “Not to take care of me. Not like Missy needs you just to get through the day. To function.” He paused. “But I want you, Claire. I want to be with you. Build a life with you. I want that very much.”

He shook his head. “I’m not the only one who got taken for granted in this relationship. You can only think about what you
should
do. For your sister. For your job. Not about what you really
want
to do.” He took my hand again. “And that’s the question, isn’t it? What do
you
want, Claire? Do you want this James guy on the strength of a few days of flirtation? Do you want me? Or do you just want to go on hiding behind your sister, pretending that you have no needs of your own? Because someday you’ll wake up and Missy’s kids will be grown. Maybe Missy will be too.” He gave a bitter laugh. “Someday she might not need you anymore, not like she does now. And you’ll be alone.”

“That’s not fair.” My response was automatic. His words hurt, but only because they had the sting of truth. “Since when is it a crime to be responsible for people you love?”

He reached up and ran a hand through his hair as he had done earlier that morning, and once again the strands stood on end. “It’s not a crime, Claire, to want the best for the people you love. But it’s not an escape hatch either.”

“What do you think I’m escaping from?” I flung the question at him out of my own hurt, but it didn’t make his observations any less true or any less painful.

He shrugged. “I wish I knew. Maybe I could help you get away from whatever it is if I did.”

The sorrow in his voice was my undoing. “Could we just keep going, please?” I said. “I’m going to be late.” I reached for the pole and nudged him with it. “Maybe we can finish the psychoanalysis later.”

I couldn’t look at him after I said that. Instead I focused on the thick, green surface of the river. After a long moment, Neil stood up and, taking up his position at the back of the boat, slid the pole once again into the water.

“Just tell me when we get where you need to be,” he said in a flat, emotionless voice. “Because I have no idea where that is.”

All I could do was nod and try to keep from falling apart before I could get away. By the time we reached the next landing where he could put me ashore, the silence had grown into a living entity. I scrambled from the punt, relieved to have firm ground beneath my feet again.

“What are you going to do?” I asked him.

He frowned and leaned against the pole. “I don’t know. A lot of thinking, I guess.” He lifted the pole and used it to push away from the bank again. “I’ll find you later.”

“Okay.” What else could I do but agree? “I’ll be back at Christ Church in a couple of hours.”

He nodded. “I’ll look for you.”

We both hesitated, gazes locked, each of us desperately trying to understand the other. After a long moment, he sighed and turned his attention to the punt.

“Good-bye.” With one strong push, he sent the little boat back into the current. “Good-bye.”

I stood there on the bank and watched him drift into the distance for the second time in one day.

Neil was right. I had taken him for granted, just as he had me. The vein of weakness in our relationship had been exposed, and I knew, as well as anyone, that a weak spot was always where you would expect something to break. I just hadn’t expected that weak spot with Neil to feel as if it were smack-dab in the middle of my heart.