Mr. Darcy Takes the Plunge (34 page)

Robert struggled with his fork, knife, and some rather recalcitrant peas while he listened to his mother's conversation. "Mama, what is conshush-nuss?"

Before Mrs. Bennet could open her mouth to reply, from across the table Lady Catherine de Bourgh responded, "Consciousness, my dear little bug, is that annoying period between one's doses of medicinal sherry."

Fanny Bennet beamed with pride that her son, for once, had not been the one to come out with something rather inappropriate. She was, however, sympathetic to her friend's mortified look.

"Never mind, Anne. Your sister is obviously your own family's joker and is jest having fun with her-elations. Oh, dear! I assure you I am not usually one for wordplay, but lately I cannot seem to help myself. My puns may be sleep-inducing, but I keep
laudanum
anyway."

When Lady Anne indicated it was time for the ladies to remove to the drawing room, her son also excused himself from the table and the men's company. Fitzwilliam Darcy had had quite enough deprivation for one day and was determined to steal away with his fiancee for a few moments. His long strides easily caught up with her in the hall before she entered the room with the women. Mrs. Bennet was on her way upstairs to tuck in her children before she went to the drawing room; and although she glimpsed the couple in the hallway, she turned a blind eye to whatever the two had planned for their final night of bachelorhood and maidenhood. Darcy, drawing near, said to his bride, "Do you not feel a great inclination, Miss Elizabeth Bennet, to seize such an opportunity of taking a walk with your husband-to-be?" She smiled but made no answer; and he repeated the question, with some surprise at her silence.

"Oh," said she, "I heard you before; but I could not immediately determine what to say in reply. I fear my wit has abandoned me this evening, and I am as giddy as a schoolgirl. Yes, Mr. Darcy, I would very much like to seize ... whatever it was you wanted me to seize."

Good God!
Darcy looked at her face and tried to determine if she was brazen or absent-minded, but he could not read her expression.
You are not the only one affected, Lizzy. This time tomorrow night I will be your husband, and you will finally be ... my wife! I am, as Mother described, beside myself.
"Please seize my arm then, Miss Elizabeth, and accompany me to the shrubbery."

Pelisse, greatcoat, gloves, and hats were donned; and they headed for the garden. As they strolled along the path, Darcy said, "Thank you once again, my dear, for agreeing to hold the ceremony here. It means a great deal to my family and me to be away from the prying eyes of society. Had we married in London from the Fitzwilliam and Darcy parish church near Mayfair, St. George's would have been packed with curious members of the ton; and our special day would have been more of a circus than Astley's Amphitheatre."

"I cannot imagine a more lovely location for our wedding, sir."

Darcy smiled with delight and asked, "So, what think you of Pemberley at this time of year, Elizabeth?"

"Your estate is equally impressive inside and outside, as is Pemberley's heir. It is certainly as handsome as I remember, Fitzwilliam, but perhaps not as
green
as during summer. And there is not now that close, hot, heavy, sultry, damp, clinging feeling I recall being present previously."

"You will never allow me to live that down, will you, minx? But come closer, my darling, and discover just how steamy conditions can be in Derbyshire even during late autumn."

That evening the shades of Pemberley were very useful, not for shelter from the sun but for providing cover from prying eyes. After the embrace and kiss that did much to both slake and increase their hunger and thirst for one another, the gentleman hesitantly said, "Elizabeth, I could not help but notice your unease earlier this afternoon. Are you nervous about the ceremony, the celebration, or perchance apprehensive about our wedding night?"

"I admit I am, or was. Yet every moment spent with you finds me less and less worried and more ... impatient."

"Lizzy, tomorrow our vows will be made official. Even so, please allow me now to assure you I will
always
love, comfort, honour, and cherish you. And I will forever be faithful."

"Thank you, Fitzwilliam. And I believe you should seal such a fervent commitment with a fervent kiss." Most of Elizabeth Bennet's anxieties were soon vanquished and vanished. She thought the wife of Mr. Darcy must have such extraordinary sources of happiness necessarily attached to her situation that she could, upon the whole, have no cause to be nervous or apprehensive on the eve of her wedding. As the engaged couple disengaged and strolled back to the house, she said, "It was very considerate of you, sir, to provide fireworks again for my first night at Pemberley. That kiss was another truly extraordinarily breathtaking experience, was it not?"

For his part, Darcy looked forward to the following night's extraordinarily breathtaking experience. Like watching fireworks, he had high hopes for interesting shapes, lots of surprises, and banging. An uplifting display could be quite stimulating, but he worried about short fuses and explosive bursts.
Good God, I must return to the house before I combust!

"Fitzwilliam? Do you not agree, sir?" When he made no answer, she repeated the question, with some surprise at his silence.

"Oh," said he, "I heard you before; but I could not immediately determine what to say in reply. I fear my wit has abandoned me this evening, and I am as giddy as a schoolgirl. But yes, my love, I quite agree with whatever it was you said."

C
hapter V

Something Old, Something New,
and an 'Omen Pigeon or Two

The night before the wedding, the gentlemen deprived themselves of the pleasure of the ladies' company by secreting themselves away in the library to imbibe and play cards. Nevertheless, giggles, shrieks of laughter, and squeals of delight from the drawing room still occasionally reached their ears and disturbed their concentration.

"Whatever can they be discussing with such hilarity?" Ellis Fleming distractedly sorted through the cards he had been dealt and took a sip of his drink. The young man was still quite in awe of his future father-in-law and formidable uncle-in-law, the Earl of Matlock. Outward calm disguised Fleming's case of nerves, and a third helpful snifter of excellent brandy increasingly caused a shift from tension to a feeling of euphoria.

"No doubt love, romance, and all things
gooshy
, as my son, Robert, would say," Mr. Bennet replied and flicked a card onto the table. "I assure you, gentlemen, any hearts and diamonds being talked of in that other room bear little resemblance whatsoever to the ones being played here. Your turn, Mr. Bingley."

"I think ... ," but Bingley's words were drowned out by gales of laughter from down the hall.

Colonel Fitzwilliam rolled his eyes and said, "Have they not heard Shakespeare's line 'Speak low, if you speak love'? Your turn, Bingley. Pay attention, man. Thunder and turf! I swear you are only playing with half a deck."

"Sorry. I am worried about my sister. Anyone can tell the three marriages about to take place tomorrow will be very happy ones. However, Caroline and Wickham ... " Bingley shook his head as his queen of hearts was trumped by Mr. Gardiner's ace, and he felt his sister's happiness might also have been discarded. "In Lord Byron's words, 'Love without passion is dreary; passion without love is horrific.' I am more than a little uneasy and fearful of Caroline's future with Wickham. As you well know, his conduct has not always been quite right."

"Well, Bingley, I suggest you get the upper hand and deal with the black-heart scoundrel. Deck him, if you must; or club the knave with a spade if that would suit you better." The Colonel smirked as he played his trump card.

The soldier's words did nothing to comfort Bingley, but George Darcy's suited him better. "They will be here tomorrow, and you can judge for yourself. But young Wickham would not have tried to elope with your sister if he had not a real regard for her. I hope and trust they will yet be happy, and his consenting to marry her is a proof he has come to a right way of thinking. They will settle so quietly and live in so rational a manner as may in time make their past imprudence forgotten, and I will ensure they live free from hardship while he serves as my steward after his father retires next month."

"Thank you, sir," said Bingley with a sigh. "I do hope any affection Wickham feels for Caroline proves to be more than just a passion interest."

The senior Darcy glanced at his son, who stood at a window. Pemberley's heir stared into the night and absently stroked the head of one of his foxhounds. "Fitzwilliam, come and have another drink. It is normal to be a nervous groom, but do stop fretting and join us. Married life will not be quite so bad, you know."

James Fitzwilliam, the Viscount Wentletrap, said, "Yes, consider, at least, the pleasurable aspects of the marriage bed and the children you will soon beget." He suddenly remembered the lady's father and uncle were in the room and mumbled, "Sorry, Bennet, Gardiner."

Fitzwilliam Darcy began to pace. "I have no hesitation whatsoever in regard to marrying Miss Elizabeth. Life would be unbearable without her, and the money spent for the special license is the best investment I have ever made. I just wish everything to be perfect tomorrow, for her sake."

"Perfection is very hard to attain, young man." Mr. Gardiner gestured for a footman to pour the fretful fellow a drink. "Lizzy has always been an optimistic girl, and she will focus on the positive aspects of the ceremony and celebration rather than on any negative ones. Relax and enjoy yourself tonight."

Colonel Fitzwilliam agreed. "I intend to have a few more drinks to steady my nerves, win a few more hands of cards, and then shuffle off to retire early. I want to be well rested and refreshed tomorrow, as it is the day for which I have been waiting these long weeks."

Fleming, not yet quite in his cups but certainly half-sprung by that time, said, "I thought the date soldiers waited for was March 4th."

"Ah, my friend, you forget I shall be resigning my commission directly after the honeymoon. As stated in Deuteronomy 24:5, 'When a man hath taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall he be charged with any business: (but) he shall be free at home one year, and shall cheer up his wife which he hath taken.' It was time for me to resign anyway. I was getting fed up with army food. Tomorrow, however, I plan to be a desserter ... a soldier who stuffs himself with wedding cake. Quite seriously though, gentlemen, I have mixed feelings about deserting my brothers in arms during this war against Boney. Be that as it may, I very much look forward to the challenge of becoming an astute estate owner." Colonel Fitzwilliam looked at the man who would soon be his father-in-law and added, "Tomorrow I will be united with a member of a pun-loving family, and I must hone my skill in the use of new weapons. My arsenal will soon only consist of weapons for a literary war, such as the witty zinger and the pithy barb. Gentlemen, the pun is here to slay."

The others groaned, and the Earl of Matlock cast his eyes to the ceiling and shook his head.
This Bennet family fondness for wordplay is quite out of control and obviously contagious.
When the nobleman then asked if anyone was up for a game of billiards, Mr. Bennet stood, wobbled a bit, and said, "I do not have a cue how to play. All the same, I would certainly like to give it my best shot."

Lord Matlock and Thomas Bennet walked unsteadily together toward the billiard room, and the former suggested his eldest son join them. James declined because he liked to play cards, though his father had been nagging him to re-deuce the amount of time spent gambling. Fitzwilliam Darcy knew of the Viscount's checkered past and challenged him instead to a game of chess. The board was set up in front of the fireplace; and while they played, Darcy was surprised to hear his cousin speak glowingly of his expectant wife, Isabelle. Not to be outdone, the groom warmly praised Elizabeth, his lovely fiancee with the sparkling, intelligent eyes. Bingley came over to watch the match; but because of their proximity to the hearth, he soon became overheated and also grew tired of listening to chess nuts boasting by an open fire. If asked for an opinion, Charles would have favoured Miss Elizabeth Bennet as the more beautiful of the two women being discussed. The truth was plain and simple: Isabelle was plain, and her husband was simple.

Before retiring for the night, some of the older gentlemen gave the grooms a few words of advice. Thomas Bennet's speech was a trifle slurred as he said, "Gentlemen, I offer you a small pearl of wishdom that has served this old married man well through the years. Can you guessh the three magic words you must use to ensure a happy and healthy marriage?"

Both were rather reluctant and embarrassed to voice the words aloud; nevertheless, his two sons-in-law, Fitzwilliam Darcy and Richard Fitzwilliam, dutifully gave the obvious answer in unison. "I love you?"

"Excellent answer! Please feel free to shay those words to my daughters often, but the three I recommend mosht are
'You are right, dear.'
"

Edward Gardiner rather gleefully pointed out the fact that had actually been four words and then saluted the three young men with his glass of port. "Here's to a good sense of humour and a short memory."

As they all staggered their way upstairs, Richard asked his older brother whether he had any advice for domestic felicity. James put his arm around his sibling's shoulder and answered, "Sorry, Rich. As far as I know, the secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."

The ladies, having long since retired, were not, however, all asleep in their own bedchambers. Lady Anne engaged an apprehensive Georgiana in a heart-to-heart conversation about matters of the heart and other hearty organs. Jane, Lizzy, Mrs. Bennet, and Mrs. Gardiner gathered in Jane's room for a further discussion of what the brides could expect the following night and during their marriages in general. Mrs. Bennet hoped the physical side of their relationships would be as pleasurable as hers had been with her dear husband of twenty-two years, and she had already given her two eldest daughters separate talks on that aspect of married life soon after their engagements.

During that earlier preparatory tutelage, Elizabeth had been flummoxed. "Mama! You were in the middle of explaining wifely duties and marital relations and abruptly changed the subject. What is this nonsense about not having to settle for only a missionary position? I am getting married and am not at all interested in spreading God's word in a foreign, heathen country. Not once has Fitzwilliam mentioned our taking on such a mission. In fact, he would most likely consider it quite beneath him. Although it may imply we are wrapped up in ourselves, I cannot imagine he and I ever being satisfied in doing such a deed."

Mrs. Bennet had set her straight on the matter but had difficulty keeping a straight face while doing so, and she also assured Lizzy she
could
be rather nicely satisfied in such a position.

Although Lizzy was still a tad uneasy and Jane eager, their mother was more concerned with their emotional well being. "Girls, I am giving you some literature I hope you will consult. The first two are
Sermons to Young Women
by Dr. James Fordyce and
A Father's Legacy to his Daughter
by Dr. James Gregory. Please read both books, and then ignore everything those two pompous asses have instructed, particularly the former. This author, however," Mrs. Bennet held up Mary Wollstonecraft's
A Vindication of the Rights of Woman
, "is an inspiration."

Elizabeth said, "I have already read Wollstonecraft and have even discussed the work with Fitzwilliam. I am entering into marriage with a man who respects women and considers us rational beings worthy of education. Lady Anne has been a strong influence in his life, and he cares very deeply for his sisters and wants them to be well-rounded individuals. If we are to be blessed with a daughter, I know he will feel the same about her. Fitzwilliam will be an excellent father." Having voiced her thoughts, Elizabeth began to relax again and look forward to a happy life with a wonderful man.

Madeleine Gardiner hugged her and remarked, "Lizzy, you are very fortunate to have found such a fine gentleman. Then again, men are like coffee: the best ones are rich, warm ... and can keep you up all night long."

Jane and Elizabeth coloured and laughed; and the former exclaimed, "Aunt, I am shocked! But you still have my deepest affection. Lizzy and I are both ever sensible of the warmest gratitude towards you. By taking us into Derbyshire, you have been the means of uniting us with the very special men we shall wed tomorrow. We never wanted to marry solely for status or for the matri-money; and your marriage, and Mama and Papa's, influenced our hope we could really marry for love. Thank you both for setting perfect examples."

Mrs. Bennet exclaimed, "Oh, my dear Jane, no marriage is perfect. We all have our share of vexation, so please do not enter the married state with expectations of perpetual bliss and perfection. Arguments will certainly occur; so take my advice, and never go to bed angry. Just go to bed with him ... a lot."

"Mama!"

"I am teasing, Jane. Yet, truthfully, never go to bed angry. Always stay awake and argue until your husband realizes you are right."

"Mother!"

"I am sorry for being so silly. You have found a gentleman who loves you very much, dear; and I am sure your Richard will be a sensible husband willing to discuss, understand, and respect your views."

Jane nodded in agreement and decided to share a story she had recently heard from him. "Although Viscount Wentletrap and his wife are now behaving in a more civil manner toward one another, my future brother and sister-in-law were not always so thoughtful. Richard told me of the time he was traveling by carriage with them to Rosings Park, and the couple said not a word to the other for many miles. Before departing, they had been involved in a rather nasty argument; and both stubbornly refused to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the Viscountess sarcastically asked, 'Relatives of yours, James?' Her husband replied, 'Yes, my in-laws.'"

Their laughter filtered out into the hallway; and as the Viscount stumbled toward his wife's bedchamber, he wondered what in the world the ladies found so vastly amusing at that ungodly hour of the night.