Mr. Granite Is from Another Planet!
Read Mr. Granite Is from Another Planet! Online
Authors: Dan Gutman
Mr. Granite Is from Another Planet!
Dan Gutman
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To Emma
My name is A.J. and I hate school.
Do you know which months are the best months of the year? July and August, of course! Because there's no school over the summer.
YAY!
The only problem is that now it's September.
BOO!
Bummer after the summer!
School starts tomorrow. So my mom said we had to go to this store called Staples to buy back-to-school supplies. Ugh! Staples is the boringest store in the history of the world. They don't sell video games or toys or any cool stuff. They just sell pens and pencils and ultraboring junk like that.
My mom had a list of things I had to get for third grade. After we found the boring book covers, boring binders, boring colored pencils, and boring glue sticks, I wanted to get a pen with a laser beam in it. Laser beams are cool. I saw this movie where they used a laser beam to kill aliens
from outer space. But they don't sell pens like that at Staples.
They do have
one
cool thingâa copy machine. Copy machines are cool because you can put your head on the glass and make a funny picture of your face. It only costs eight cents! But you have to be sure to close your eyes or you'll go blind.
I stuck my head in the copy machine and closed my eyes. I was reaching for the START button when I heard the most horrible sound in the history of the worldâ¦.
“Hi, Arlo!”
Ugh! It was Andrea Young, this annoying girl in my class with curly brown hair. I hate her. Andrea calls me by my real
name because she knows I don't like it.
I took my head off of the copy machine. Andrea was with her mom, who looks just like Andrea but with wrinkles.
“Are you buying back-to-school supplies
too
, Arlo?” Andrea asked.
“No,” I told her. “I'm skydiving.”
When somebody asks you a dumb question, you should always give them a dumb answer. That's the first rule of being a kid.
“I would
never
put
my
face in a copy machine,” said Andrea.
“Why not?”
“Because I'm one of a kind!” Andrea said.
“You should put your face in a paper shredder instead,” I suggested.
Andrea rolled her eyes. Why can't a copy machine fall on her head?
My mom and Andrea's mom were talking about the weather. Grown-ups are really interested in weather. Nobody knows why.
So I was forced to talk to Andrea.
“Which do you like better, Arlo,” Andrea asked, “this notebook with a picture of kittens on it or this one with elephants on it?”
“Do they have a notebook with a picture of elephants stomping on kittens?” I asked.
Andrea rolled her eyes again. Our moms said we could play around on the office chairs for a few minutes while they talked about the weather.
“Let's pretend we're grown-ups working in a real office!” Andrea said.
I sat at one of the desks and picked up a fake telephone.
“Send over a million dollars!” I barked into the phone. “NOW!”
“Where's my coffee?” Andrea shouted. “I'll
die
if I don't have coffee!”
“You're fired!” I barked again. “Get out!”
Pretending to be a grown-up is fun.
“I need to file some reports,” Andrea said, and she rolled her chair over to a big filing cabinet. When she pulled it open, the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened.
A head popped out!
“G'day, mates!” the head said.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHH!” we screamed.
It was Mr. Granite, our new, third-grade teacher!
The first day of school is the worst day of the year. But the nice thing is that third graders are allowed to ride their bikes to school. I rode with my friends Ryan and Michael.
After we locked our bikes to the bike rack, we were told to go to the all-
purpose room for an assembly. The teachers were sitting on the stage, and they were all wearing green T-shirts that said “P.A.L.” on them. Mr. Klutz, our principal, was up there too. He has no hair at all. I mean
none
. Mr. Klutz was wearing a green shirt, too, and his
head
was even painted green. Mr. Klutz is nuts.
“Is it St. Patrick's Day?” I asked Neil Crouch, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes.
“St. Patrick's Day is in March, dumbhead,” said Neil.
“So is your face,” I replied.
After we finished pledging the allegiance, Mr. Klutz went to the microphone.
“Welcome back to Ella Mentry School,” he announced. “I want to introduce the new members of our staff. This is Mrs. Jafee, our vice principal. And this is Mr. Brad, our school counselor. And over here is our new third-grade teacher, Mr. Granite.”
The three of them stood up. Everybody clapped. I waved to Mr. Granite. I knew he was going to be my third-grade teacher because I'd met him on the beach over the summer. I even saw him yesterday at Staples.
“We're wearing green today to show that Ella Mentry School cares about the environment,” said Mr. Klutz. “This year we're going to use less energy, create less
waste, and help the planet. The program will be under Mr. Granite's supervision.”
“Wow,” I whispered to Ryan. “Mr. Granite has super vision! That means he can see through walls!”
“You returning students know I like to challenge you,” Mr. Klutz continued. “So
here's a new challenge. If Ella Mentry School is named the greenest school in the county for the month of September, we'll have an all-you-can-eat chocolate cake party!”
YAY!
Everybody went crazy, because we all love chocolate cake. That's the first rule of being a kid.