Mr. Tony Is Full of Baloney!
Read Mr. Tony Is Full of Baloney! Online
Authors: Dan Gutman
My Weird School Daze #11
Dan Gutman
Pictures by
Jim Paillot
My name is A.J. and I hate asparagus.
Ha! I bet you were thinking I was going to say I hate school. But I didn’t. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you. That just goes to show that you shouldn’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.
I really don’t know what that means, but my mom is always saying you shouldn’t count your chickens before they’re hatched. Nobody knows why. I wouldn’t want to count chickens even
after
they were hatched. Who wants to count chickens at
all
? I’ve heard of people counting sheep, but never chickens. I don’t even know anybody who
has
chickens. Except for maybe the one we keep in the refrigerator for dinner. And it’s easy to count one chicken.
One.
See? You’re done counting.
1
Where was I?
Oh, yeah. You’ll never believe what happened to me a couple of weeks ago. I came home from school that Thursday and my mom said, “I have big news, A.J.!”
“Your nose isn’t
that
big,” I replied.
“Very funny,” my mom said. “The big news is that I’m going back to work.”
“WHAT?!”
Before my sister and I were born, Mom had a job. She worked in a restaurant. That was back in ancient times, when dinosaurs roamed the earth. My mom stopped working so she could take care of us. That’s not even like working at all because they don’t give you any money for taking care of your own kids. Besides, I figure I’m so much fun to be around that taking care of me isn’t even like work.
“I decided you kids are old enough now so that I can get a job again,” Mom told me, “and we could use some extra money around here.”
“What kind of a job?” I asked her. “Are you going to be a jet fighter pilot or a brain surgeon?”
Having your mom as a brain surgeon would be cool. On Take Your Child to Work Day, you could watch her open up people’s heads and look inside. That would be awesome!
“No,” she explained. “I’m starting a little catering company called The Six Moms. I’m teaming up with Andrea’s, Michael’s, Ryan’s, Emily’s, and Neil’s mothers.”
“Catering?” I asked. “What’s ‘catering’?”
“We’re going to make sandwiches and things like that for parties,” Mom said.
I slapped my head.
“Sandwiches?” I said. “People can make their
own
sandwiches. All you have to do is take a piece of bread and put stuff on it. Then you put another piece of bread on top of the stuff. Amazing! You made a sandwich!”
“We’re going to make
fancy
sandwiches,” my mom told me.
That made no sense, because all sandwiches go to the same place after you eat them.
“You should make something people
need
,” I told her, “like a homework machine. Or something to spray on your skin so girls will stop bothering you.”
“A.J., the important thing is that my new job is going to affect
you
, too,” Mom told me.
“Me? What do I have to do with your job?”
“Well, I just signed you up for the after-school program,” Mom said.
WHAT?!
The after-school program?
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Not the after-school program!
Anything
but the after-school program!
It’s bad enough that I have to go to school for a million hundred hours during the day. Now I’d have to go to school after school is
over
!
I thought I was gonna die. This was the worst thing to happen to me since TV Turnoff Week. My life was finished.
“Can’t you just poke my eyeballs out instead of sending me to the after-school program?” I asked my mom. “That would be more fun.”
“The after-school program
will
be fun, A.J.!” she told me. “You’ll get to play games, sing songs, make projects, and be with your friends. That’s got to be better than sitting around the house watching TV after school.”
“I
like
sitting around the house watching TV after school!” I told her. “What could be better than sitting around the house watching TV?”
No matter what I said, I couldn’t talk her out of it. My mom was going back to work, and I had to be in the after-school program.
When I met up with my friends walking to school on Friday morning, I could tell they were all depressed.
“I guess you heard the bad news,” said Michael, who never ties his shoes.
“Yeah,” said Ryan, who will eat anything, even stuff that isn’t food. “Starting today, we have to go to the after-school program.”
“This is
horrible
,” said Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes. “This is the worst day of my life.”
“Our lives are over,” I said. “Bummer in the summer.”
That’s when Andrea Young, this annoying girl with curly brown hair, came skipping down the street. She was with her crybaby friend Emily.
“Did you hear the news?” Andrea said, all excited. “Our moms are starting a catering business! And we’re going to be in the after-school program!”
Ugh! Not only did I have to go to school after school, but I had to go to school after school with Little Miss Know-It-All
Andrea
. It was definitely the worst day in the history of the world.
I was in a bad mood all day long. I couldn’t concentrate on anything my teacher, Mr. Granite, was saying. All I could think about was the after-school program.
Just before the three-o’clock bell rang, we had to go to the all-purpose room for an assembly.
2
I sat next to Ryan. Little Miss Perfect sat in front of us.
Our principal, Mr. Klutz, got up on the stage. He has no hair at all. I mean
none
. They should use his head in lighthouses to send signals to ships at sea.
Mr. Klutz held up his hand and made a peace sign, which means “shut up.”
“I have two announcements to make,” he told us. “First, please welcome our new health teacher, Ms. Leakey.”
We all clapped for some lady who got up onstage. She looked really healthy, so I guess it’s good that she’s a health teacher.
“Second,” Mr. Klutz continued, “Ella Mentry School is going to have a food drive.”
“Food drive?” I whispered to Ryan. “What’s up with that? Food can’t drive. That would be weird to have a chicken driving your car.”
“No, dumbhead,” Ryan whispered back. “A food drive isn’t when a chicken drives your car. It’s when you drive a chicken
around
in your car.”
“Why would anybody want to drive a chicken around in their car?” I asked Ryan.
Andrea turned around, rolled her eyes, and said,
“Shhhhhh!”
“A food drive is when you collect food for needy people,” Mr. Klutz announced.
Oh. I knew that.
Mr. Klutz told us there are a lot of kids who don’t have enough to eat.
“Hunger is a big problem in our country,” he said, “so we’re going to collect as much food as we can and bring it to a food bank.”
“Food bank?” I whispered to Ryan. “Who puts food in a bank? Wouldn’t it smell really bad after a while?”
“How would you fit the food in a bank anyway?” Ryan whispered back. “You can’t push it through the little slot. Food should be put in a refrigerator.”
“Mr. Klutz probably keeps his
money
in the refrigerator,” I whispered. Ryan laughed.
Andrea turned around again so she could roll her eyes and shush at us. What is her problem? Why can’t a bank full of food fall on her head?
“A food bank is a place that gives food to hungry people,” Mr. Klutz told us.
“I knew that,” I whispered to Ryan.
“And to help you kids get excited about our food drive, I’ll make a deal with you,” Mr. Klutz said. “If you collect 3,000 pounds of food, I’ll jump out of an airplane in an ape suit and land on the roof of the school.”
“WOW!” we all said, which is “MOM” upside down.
Mr. Klutz has been taking parachuting lessons ever since he went to principal camp. He loves jumping out of planes.
“3,000 pounds?” Michael called out. “That’s a lot of food, Mr. Klutz. How about we collect 2,000 pounds?”
“3,000 pounds of food,” Mr. Klutz repeated. “That’s my final offer. Take it or leave it.”
“We’ll take it!” we all shouted.
It would be hilarious to see Mr. Klutz jump out of a plane in an ape suit. Not many principals are willing to do stuff like that.
Mr. Klutz is nuts.