Mrs. Dole Is Out of Control! (5 page)

Me and the guys caught Mrs. Daisy just before she was about to hit the ground. Her eyes were closed and she was all limp, like a rag doll.

“Wake up!” Ryan shouted. “Wake up, Mrs. Daisy!”

“She can't hear you,” said Neil.

“Is she dead?” I asked.

“She just fainted, Arlo,” Andrea said.

“Whenever a girl faints in the movies,” I said, “somebody slaps her in the face and she wakes up.”

“You should slap her, A.J.,” said Michael.

“I'm not slapping Mrs. Daisy,” I said. “I'll get kicked out of school. Why don't you slap her?”

“I'm not slapping her,” Michael said. “You're the one who thought of giving her all those bonbons. That's probably why she fainted.
You
should slap her.”

“You slap her!” I shouted.

“No, you slap her!”

“Tell you what,” I finally said. “Let's both slap her.”

Me and Michael were about to slap Mrs. Daisy when Mr. Macky came running over to us. We decided to let him slap her. But he didn't. He was holding a wet handkerchief, and he held it against Mrs. Daisy's forehead.

“Give her air!” he shouted, which didn't make any sense because none of us had
any air to give her. Who carries around air? Where would we get air anyway? Rent-a-Air?

“This is all your fault, Arlo!” said Andrea. “You knocked over the eternal flame! They'll probably make you repeat second grade for this.”

“Mr. Klutz told us to throw our caps up in the air!” I yelled. “I didn't mean to knock over the eternal flame! Why do I get blamed for everything?”

Officer Spence came rushing over to us.

“What happened?” he asked.

“She fainted,” said Mr. Macky.

“It's because she ate so many bonbons,” Andrea told Officer Spence. “She
got fatter and fatter. I bet all that sugar made her pass out.”

Then Officer Spence did the most amazing thing in the history of the world. He leaned over and kissed Mrs. Daisy! On the lips! Right in front of her husband!

“Ewww!” I said. “They're making out! Mr. Macky, are you going to let Officer Spence kiss your wife? You should punch him in the nose. That's what guys do in the movies when they catch somebody kissing their wife.”

“He's giving her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, dumbhead!” said Andrea.

I didn't know what mouth-to-mouth resuscitation was, but it looked a lot
like kissing to me.

I was trying to think of something mean to say to Andrea when Mrs. Daisy opened her eyes.

“Where am I?” she asked.

“You're in the playground,” said Officer Spence. “You're going to be fine. Did you eat a lot of bonbons recently?”

“No,” Mrs. Daisy said, “I gave almost all of them away.”

“Then how did you get so fat?” I asked.

“Because…”

“Because we're going to have a baby!” said Mr. Macky.

WHAT????!!!!

Mr. Macky told us that Mrs. Daisy is going to have a baby in the fall. She was waiting for the right moment to tell us the big news.

“So that's why you had a doctor's appointment!” said Andrea.

“And that's why you're moving to a
bigger house!” said Michael.

“And that's why you've been knitting and trying to eat healthier!” said Emily.

“And that's why you fainted!” I said.

“That's right,” said Mrs. Daisy.

The girls were all excited and giggly because girls always get excited and giggly whenever they find out somebody is going to have a baby. Nobody knows why. They crowded around to hug Mrs. Daisy, touch her stomach, and argue over whether the baby would be a boy or a girl.

Next the girls started thinking up baby names, because that's what you're supposed to do when you find out somebody
is going to have a baby. The girls decided the baby should be named Michelle.

“What about you guys?” asked Mr. Macky. “What do you think we should name the baby?”

Hmmm. I looked around. Firefighters were still hosing off the petting zoo. That's when I came up with the best baby name in the history of the world.

“Hydrant,” I suggested.

“HYDRANT?” everyone shouted.

I said that Hydrant would be a great name for a baby, because it would be antique. There was probably no other kid in the world named Hydrant. Besides, Hydrant would be the perfect name
because the only thing babies can do is pee. Sort of like a hydrant.

All in all, I thought graduation went pretty well, except that I knocked over
the eternal flame, Emily caught on fire, the petting zoo animals escaped, and the school almost burned down. But stuff like that happens all the time at Ella Mentry School.

Maybe I shouldn't have thrown my cap up in the air. Maybe we'll get another cake. Maybe the parents will be able to round up the cows and goats and chickens. Maybe Ryan's mom will stop jumping out of boats. Maybe Andrea's mom will become PTA president. Maybe Officer Spence will stop kissing married women. Maybe Ryan will stop hiding under his desk whenever his mom is around. Maybe Mrs. Daisy and Mr. Macky will name their baby Hydrant. Maybe by
September everybody will forget what happened at graduation. Maybe we'll be able to talk Mr. Klutz into letting us have another graduation at the end of third grade.

But it won't be easy!