Ms. Beard Is Weird! (4 page)
When we got to school the next day, Ms. Beard was all excited. She told us that every night, millions more people were tuning in to watch
The Real Teachers of Ella Mentry School
on TV. Everybody wanted to see who was going to be the winner.
“The ratings are through the roof!” she said.
There were just four teachers left: Mr. Macky and Ms. Leakey of the Mooseketeers, and Miss Small and Mr. Granite of the Hot Dog Heads. After all that singing, dancing, and mud wrestling, they were worn-out, tired, and maybe even a little cranky.
“Okay!” Ms. Beard announced to the camera. “Today our teachers are going to bake cakes. The teacher who bakes the best cakeâ”
She didn't get the chance to finish her sentence.
“That's dumb!” yelled Miss Small. “I don't want to bake a cake.”
“Me neither,” said Mr. Macky.
“I don't know the first thing about baking a cake,” said Ms. Leakey.
“This is ridiculous,” said Mr. Granite. “What could baking cakes possibly have to do with education?”
“Nothing,” replied Ms. Beard. “But our research shows that people like to watch other people bake cakes on TV.”
“Well, we're not doing it!” announced Mr. Granite.
“Yeah!” said Miss Small. “If I have to bake a cake, I'm outta here.”
“Me too!” said Mr. Granite. “Find us something else to do.”
“Uh . . . okay,” said Ms. Beard. “Today our teachers are going to eat bugs. The teacher who eats the most bugsâ”
“I'm not eating bugs!” yelled Mr. Macky. He was really mad.
“But our research shows that next to baking cakes, the one thing people like to watch most on TV is other people eating bugs,” said Ms. Beard.
“I don't care what your research shows,” shouted Mr. Macky. “I'm not eating bugs. And by the way, that's my final answer.”
“I've had enough of reality TV,” said Mr. Granite. “I quit.”
“What if we had a tug-of-war?” suggested Ms. Beard. “And the team that loses falls into a pit filled with Porky's pork sausages?”
“No!” all four teachers replied.
“Look,” Mr. Macky said, “we're not falling into any pits. We're not going to eat any bugs. And we're not going to bake cakes or wrestle in mud anymore. We're sick of your dumb games, so we're leaving the show.”
“Don't you care about winning theâ”
“No!”
The four teachers got up to leave.
“Wait!” shouted Ms. Beard, stopping them. “Okay, I get it. I won't make you bake cakes or eat bugs or fall into pits filled with pork sausages. But if you stay, I'll donate
another
million dollars to the school.”
They stopped.
“What's the catch?” asked Miss Small.
“You will have to do the most challenging, frightening, and humiliating thing anyone has ever done on a TV show,” said Ms. Beard.
“What?” asked the teachers.
And you'll never believe in a million hundred years what the teachers would have to do.
I'm not gonna tell you.
Okay, okay, I'll tell you. But you have to read the next chapter.
6
“You have to tell jokes,” announced Ms. Beard.
“Jokes?”
“Oh, that's no big deal,” said Ms. Leakey. “I know lots of jokes.”
“Me too,” said Mr. Granite.
“Here are the rules,” announced Ms. Beard. “The four of you can tell three jokes each. Then we'll open up the phone lines, and viewers will vote for the funniest teacher. Two of you will advance to the next round, and two of you will go home. Got it? Let's get cracking. Joke cracking, that is!”
All the lights went out except for a spotlight on the microphone. Mr. Granite stepped up to it.
“What kind of a bone will a dog never eat?” asked Mr. Granite.
“What kind?” we all shouted.
“A trombone!” said Mr. Granite.
He waited until the chuckles died down to tell his next joke.
“Who can shave twenty-five times a day and still have a beard?”
“Who?” we all shouted.
“A barber!” said Mr. Granite. “Did you hear about the fire at the circus?”
“No,” we all shouted.
“It was in tents,” said Mr. Granite.
We gave Mr. Granite a standing ovation. He bowed, and Ms. Leakey stepped up to the microphone.
“Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?” she asked. “They're making headlines! But seriously, folks, do you know what Mary is short for?”
“What?” we all shouted.
“She's got no legs,” said Ms. Leakey. “Hey, why was Jon walking backward on the first day of school?”
“Why?” we all shouted.
“It was back-to-school time,” said Ms. Leakey. “Thank you. You've been a wonderful audience.”
“That was terrific!” said Ms. Beard over the applause. “Let's bring out our next comedian.”
Mr. Macky stepped up to the microphone.
“Do you kids know what the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans said to each other?” he asked.
“What?” we all shouted.
“Nothing,” said Mr. Macky. “They just waved. Hey, why do gorillas have big nostrils?”
“Why?” we all shouted.
“Because gorillas have big fingers,” said Mr. Macky. “Say, how are a chicken and a grape alike?”
“How?” we all shouted.
“They're both purple,” said Mr. Macky, “except for the chicken.”
“Good one!” said Ms. Beard. “And last but not least, how about a round of applause for your gym teacher, Miss Small!”
Miss Small stepped up to the microphone.
“What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?” she asked.
“What?” we all shouted.
“A pool table,” said Miss Small. “Do you kids know why a bicycle can't stand up by itself?”
“Why?” we all shouted.
“It's two tired,” said Miss Small. “Hey, what's Irish and sits out in the backyard?”
“What?” we all shouted.
“Patio furniture.”
The teachers weren't all that funny, but we laughed anyway, because it's funny watching teachers tell jokes. Just like it's funny watching teachers sing, dance, and mud wrestle. Actually, watching teachers do anything besides teach is funny.
Ms. Beard announced that the phone lines were open, and millions of hundreds of people started calling in. We had to sit and wait forever while the votes were counted. Then we had to sit through another commercial for Porky's pork sausages.
“After this there will only be two teachers left,” Andrea said to me. “Isn't this exciting, Arlo?”
“No,” I replied.
Actually, it was
really
exciting. But any time Andrea says anything, I always say the opposite thing. That's the first rule of being me.
Finally, the phone lines were closed. Ms. Beard stepped up to the microphone with a piece of paper.
“I have the results,” she said. “America has spoken. “Our last two teachers are . . . Mr. Granite and Ms. Leakey!”
So after a week of competition, there were only two teachers left: Mr. Granite of the Hot Dog Heads and Ms. Leakey of the Mooseketeers.
The next night we all gathered in the all-purpose room for the final live episode of
The Real Teachers of Ella Mentry School.
Millions of people were watching on TV. There was electricity in the air.
Well, not really. If there had been electricity in the air, we would have been electrocuted. But it was really exciting.
“Welcome to the final episode of
The Real Teachers of Ella Mentry School
! I'm your host, Ms. Beard.”
Everybody clapped and stomped their feet. Some kids were holding up signs like
MS. LEAKEY IS FREAKY!
and
MR. GRANITE IS FROM ANOTHER PLANET!
“Go, Mr. Granite!” I shouted.
“You can do it, Ms. Leakey!” shouted somebody else.
Two big booths were wheeled out onto the stage. They looked like the old-fashioned phone booths they had before everybody used cell phones. The doors were opened. Mr. Granite and Ms. Leakey each got into a booth. There were microphones, so we could hear what they said.
“Are you two nervous?” asked Ms. Beard.
“A little, yes,” said Mr. Granite.
“Not me!” said Ms. Leakey. “I'm ready for anything.”
“Great!” said Ms. Beard. “This game is simple. We're going to open the top of both booths and drop hundreds of dollar bills on you. When I say go, start grabbing the bills. Whoever grabs the most money in five minutes will be the winner of
The Real Teachers of Ella Mentry School.
”
“Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!”
“That doesn't look so hard,” I whispered to Alexia, who was sitting next to me.
Two guys climbed up on ladders and opened the tops of the booths. Then they dumped garbage cans full of dollar bills into them.
“Can we get started?” asked Mr. Granite.
“Not yet,” said Ms. Beard. “Okay, guys, drop the glue!”
Glue?
The guys on the ladders took hoses and pointed them down into the booths. Then they turned the hoses on and squirted thick globs of glue all over Mr. Granite and Ms. Leakey until they were completely covered.
Yuck! Disgusting!
“Can we get started
now
?” asked Ms. Leakey.
“Not yet,” said Ms. Beard. “Okay, guys, turn on the fans!”
Fans?
There must have been fans in the bottom of the booths, because suddenly there was a loud whooshing sound, and the dollar bills started swirling all over the place.
“Okay,
now
you can get started!” shouted Ms. Beard. “Go! Go! Go! Grab that cash!”
Mr. Granite and Ms. Leakey started flailing around, trying to snatch the money that was flying all over the booths. Some of the bills stuck to their clothes. Some of it stuck to their faces. Mr. Granite was stuffing dollar bills into his pockets. Ms. Leakey was stuffing them down her shirt.
“This doesn't seem very educational to me,” said Andrea.
But it
was
hilarious. And we got to see it live and in person. You should have been there!
“GO! GO! GO!” we all chanted. “GRAB THAT CASH!”
After five minutes, a buzzer sounded. The fans were turned off, and the money floated down to the bottom. Ms. Leakey and Mr. Granite staggered out of the booths like they were drunk. There was money and glue stuck all over them. Everybody clapped.
“That was
great
!” Ms. Beard said, sticking the microphone into their faces. “How do you feel?”
“Fuffrumprugrym,” said Mr. Granite. His mouth was full of dollar bills, so he couldn't talk very well.
The bills were peeled off and collected so they could be counted to find out who was the winner. It took a long time. We had to sit through a bunch of commercials for Porky's pork sausages. But everyone was excited. We were on pins and needles.
Well, not really. We were sitting on chairs. If we were on pins and needles, it would have hurt.
7
Finally, Ms. Beard came out with an envelope in her hand. A hush fell over the all-purpose room.
“Well,” she said as she tore open the envelope, “this is the moment you've been waiting for, America! We tallied up all the money. Mr. Granite grabbed two hundred and fifty-six dollars!”
“Yay!” all the kids in my class shouted.
“. . . and Ms. Leakey grabbed three hundred and twenty-four dollars!” shouted Ms. Beard. “The winner of
The Real Teachers of Ella Mentry School
is Ms. Leakey!”
Everybody started yelling and screaming and clapping and stomping and freaking out. About a million hundred balloons fell from the ceiling.
Ms. Leakey and Mr. Granite hugged each other. They had a hard time separating after that because they were covered with glue. Everybody laughed.
“Mr. Granite, you get to keep all the cash you grabbed,” said Ms. Beard. “And Ms. Leakey, you not only get to keep your cash, but you also win an all-expenses-paid vacation to anywhere in the world! How do you feel?”
“I don't know what to say,” said Ms. Leakey as she tried to wipe the tears of joy and glue off her face.
“Don't forget, you also win a year's supply of Porky's pork sausages,” said Ms. Beard
“I
love
pork sausages!” shouted Ms. Leakey.
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Well, that's pretty much what happened.
The Real Teachers of Ella Mentry School
was a big hit on TV. Ms. Beard bought lots of computers, pencils, notebooks, and toilet paper for our school. After it was all over, we found out that Ms. Beard owned the Porky's Pork Sausage Company.
Maybe Ms. Leakey will share her pork sausages with us. Maybe Ms. Beard will stop calling Mr. Klutz Chickie Baby. Maybe they'll make a TV show about Emily's toenails. Maybe that guy will go to a hardware store and buy a hammer instead of just singing about it all the time. Maybe the teachers will learn how to cha-cha. Maybe Brownie the Clownie will teach us more about fractions. Maybe we'll get to mud wrestle during fizz ed class. Maybe they'll take the electricity out of the air before somebody gets hurt. Maybe Mr. Granite will be able to finish a lesson for once.
But it won't be easy!