Much Ado About Nothing (5 page)

‘Question them yourselves,' Leonato says as the limo turns up. ‘I've got to get to my daughter's wedding!'

‘Yes, sir.' Dogberry is happy to oblige. ‘We'll begin the cross-quizzification right away!'

 

This is it – the most talked about wedding in years! It's today that AC Messina's star striker is tying the knot, and the lucky girl is due to arrive in church any time now. Our fashion reporter has had a sneak preview and tells us that the bride's necklace (old and belonging to her grandmother) is diamonds, her dress (new) is by Vera Wang, the shoes (borrowed from Beatrice) are Laboutin and the stone in her spectacular ring is a sparkling sapphire (blue).

Claudio and Hero's best boy band ‘Urban Crew' play the couple's favourite tune as the wedding party arrives. Big-name guests include team coach Don Pedro and his brother John. Club owner Leonato Ianucci leads his beautiful daughter down the aisle. They stand beside a nervous groom and his best man, the jewel in Messina's defence line-up, Benedick. Hero's cousin, Beatrice, does the honours as chief bridesmaid.

Leonato reaches the flower-decked altar. He hands Hero over to her groom and orders the
priest to begin. It's all going very well so far.

‘Claudio, have you come here to marry this woman?' the priest asks.

‘No,' Claudio says.

Somebody in the congregation coughs and shuffles.

‘To
be married to
her.' Leonato puts the priest straight.

The priest turns to Hero. ‘Have you come here to be married to this man?'

‘I have,' Hero says.

‘If any here present know of any just impediment why these two may not be joined together, speak now or forever hold your peace,' the priest goes on.

Claudio turns to Hero. ‘Do you know any?'

‘None,' she replies.

‘And do
you
know any?' the priest asks the groom.

Leonato jumps in. ‘I dare answer for him – “None”.'

At which, Claudio explodes. ‘What men dare
do! What men may do! What men do every day without knowing what they do!'

At first, Benedick is stunned like everyone else, then he tries to laugh it off.

Claudio ignores him and challenges Leonato. ‘So, you give her to me freely?'

The old man says, yes, he does. His own hand is shaking as he places Hero's hand in Claudio's.

Claudio flings it back at him. ‘Have her! She's rotten fruit that only looks fresh on the outside. OK, so she's colouring up, but don't be fooled – Hero's no virgin bride! I'm telling you, she's already slept with a man – all that blushing proves she's guilty!'

The church is in uproar! Guests are out of their seats, spilling into the aisle. They push and shove, reaching for their mobile phones. Through it all my camera crew keep filming.

Zoom in on Leonato – totally confused.

Move to Claudio – boiling with anger. ‘She slept with a man and it wasn't me! Oh yes,
she had me fooled – I worshipped her. But it turns out that she's a real slapper!'

Zoom to Hero – almost fainting in shock. ‘No, you couldn't be more wrong!' she whispers.

But Pedro backs Claudio and says he regrets the part he played in getting them to the altar, since it's plain to everyone that Hero is a cheat.

We're all speechless. Benedick groans that this isn't looking much like a wedding. He tries to hold Claudio back, but the kid has totally lost it.

‘OK, here's the big test,' he tells Hero. ‘I have one question and you have to give me a straight answer.'

Hero manages to stammer that she's done nothing wrong.

‘So answer me this. Who was the man you were talking to outside your
bedroom
window just after midnight last night?'

Hero answers without a pause. ‘I didn't talk with any man last night.'

‘This proves your guilt,' Pedro mutters.
He tells Leonato that he, John and Claudio hid in the courtyard and saw it with their own eyes. ‘The guy, Borachio, confessed. He says they've had thousands of secret trysts.'

Creepy John comes in with his fifty-cents worth: ‘What Hero has done is too terrible even to describe!'

And Claudio sets the seal on things. ‘If you were only half as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside, our life would have been perfect,' he tells Hero. ‘But I'm walking away from a cheat and a liar. I'm turning my back on love!'

Hero gasps, puts both hands to her cheeks, turns to her dad for help, then faints clean away. Beatrice kneels down beside her. John grabs Pedro and Claudio and drags them out of the church. End of fairytale wedding. Start of huge headlines – Bride of the Year Ditched at the Altar!

Benedick kneels down beside Beatrice. ‘How is she?'

‘I think she's dead!' Beatrice cries.

Leonato is out of his mind with shock. ‘Better dead than live a life of shame.'

Beatrice tries to revive her cousin. ‘Hero, wake up!' she pleads.

‘No!' Leonato shoves everyone away. ‘The humiliation is too much to bear. Hero, you couldn't even deny it. Don't live, don't wake up, because if you do, I'll kill you myself for shame. I used to regret that I only had one child. Now I see you were one too many! I should have adopted a baby off the street so that I could disown it at a time like this. But you were mine and I loved you and praised you, was proud of you, put you above all else. And now you've fallen, you're so soiled and dirty that you can never be clean and pure again!'

This ranting reaction from the old man is not pretty and Benedick is doing his best to calm him down.

‘This is a lie!' Beatrice says, jumping to her feet.

Benedick takes her by the hand. ‘How do you know? Were you with Hero last night?'

‘No.' Beatrice can't give her cousin an alibi and this sets Leonato off again.

‘See, she's guilty! John and Pedro wouldn't lie. Claudio wouldn't lie. It broke his heart to stand here and tell everyone. Stay away from her – let her die!'

Seeing that Hero is starting to open her eyes, the priest steps in and takes control. ‘Listen – I watched Hero carefully through all of this and I believe she's innocent. In fact, I'd stake my life and reputation on it. Hero, what's the name of the man you were allegedly with?'

The bride's come round enough to whisper her answer. ‘Ask Claudio. I have no idea. I swear on my life that I never slept with a man, and if my father can prove me wrong,
then
he can disown me and wish me dead!'

‘So the men were mistaken,' the priest says firmly.

Amongst all the confusion, Benedick has
started to get his head around some basic facts. ‘I haven't known Pedro and Claudio that long, but we're AC Messina, we're like blood brothers, and I know they would never plan anything this nasty without believing it was true. Which leaves John firmly in the frame as the villain of the piece.'

‘If I find he's behind this, I'll get my revenge if it's the last thing I do!' Leonato swings from one extreme to the other.

Then the priest comes in again with a plan. ‘Claudio and the others left here believing Hero was dead. Let them carry on thinking that. Everyone can go into mourning, you arrange a funeral, and so on. Soon, they'll start to feel sorry she's dead. That's what happens – we start to miss the things we've lost. So Claudio will remember how happy he was with Hero and he'll regret making this accusation, even if he still thinks it's true. It won't be long until the scandal has faded from people's minds and even though we may never prove Hero's innocence,
the public will forget the bad bits and remember the good. After that, Hero will be able to live quietly out of the public eye without any danger that the gossip columnists and scandalmongers will come knocking on her door.'

Whoa, they're talking about me! I'm listening to this attack on the press, the cameras are still rolling and privately I'm not thinking too much of the priest's stupid plan. But who would listen to me, a mere reporter working for
Lite Entertainment
?

For some reason, Benedick backs the priest. ‘I promise not to spill the beans to Pedro and Claudio,' he says.

And that's it – they carry off Hero to a secret hiding place, leaving Benedick and Beatrice alone in the church.

‘Are you crying?' he asks gently.

‘Yes, I can't help it.'

‘I'm convinced someone has it in for Hero.' Benedick seems genuinely upset and concerned.

Beatrice takes a deep breath. ‘You wouldn't
believe how grateful I'd be to the person who could prove that.'

Benedick waits a while. He leans forward and almost kisses Beatrice, but stops himself just in time. ‘I love you more than anything in the world. Isn't that weird?'

Now it's her turn to lean in towards him. ‘As weird as the way I feel about you, Ben. I could swear I love you, but I can't admit it and I can't deny it. All I
know
is that I feel sorry for Hero!'

‘I swear you love me and I love you!'

Beatrice holds her breath. ‘I do – I love you with all my heart!'

They stare into each others' eyes and the world stands still.

‘I'd do anything for you,' he whispers.

‘Kill Claudio!'

‘Never!'

‘Then you don't really love me, so goodbye. Let me go!' And with that she runs down the aisle.

‘Beatrice!' Benedick runs after her and grabs her by the arm.

‘Look what Claudio's done!' she cries. ‘He's wrecked my cousin's life. He's shamed her in front of everyone. I tell you – if
I
were a man, I'd kill him!'

‘Beatrice!'

‘What kind of a guy does what Claudio did? Why don't I have a friend who's man enough to stand up to him? Guys these days are soft and shallow. They say things they don't mean. Let me go away into a corner and cry!'

Benedick holds onto her. ‘Stay. I swear I do love you.'

‘Prove it,' demands Beatrice. She doesn't back down an inch.

‘You honestly think Claudio is to blame?'

‘From the bottom of my heart.'

‘And I believe you. I'll confront him, kill him if need be. Think of me and what you've asked me to do when I leave, Beatrice. Now go and help Hero.'

He finally lets her go and stands in the church doorway staring up at the sky. He's sworn he'll
kill his beloved team-mate as she wanted. How did it come to this, he might well ask.

Now listen up – Bruno, one of our production team, has just come from the villa with news of what's happening with Conrade and Borachio. The security guards arrested them for being drunk and disorderly, remember? Anyway, Bruno says that the fat ass, Dogberry, cross-examined them and eventually found out that John
paid
Borachio to frame Hero and fool Claudio into believing she was cheating on him. Well, we know how that worked out here in the church. When John heard the news about Hero being dead, he jumped in his car and drove straight out of town.

That's proof of the power of rumours, in case anyone ever doubted it. Someone will say something is true and it doesn't even have to be on TV or posted on YouTube for everyone to believe it.