My Big Fat Gay Life (19 page)

Walking hand-in-hand along the beach with someone you love is a wondrous feeling: one that should be treasured. His hand was hot in mine, and I’d never wanted someone so badly as I wanted him at that moment. The sun beat down on our heads, and the waves crashed lightly on the sand.

He decided he wanted a swim. He grinned seductively at me as he shed his covering, revealing the object of my desires. He wriggled his buns at me as he ran into the surf and dived under the water. I shielded my eyes from the sun’s glare with my hand as I watched him frolicking in the water.

I took a step into the water, testing its temperature. I was trying to decide if I should join him when I saw a fin appear in the water near him.

“Mr. Cheeseburger!” I screamed, waving one hand to get his attention while pointing at the fin with the other. “Shark!”

He looked up at me then looked where I was pointing, just in time to see the fin disappear under the water. The shark was making a move on him. He started swimming frantically back to shore.

“NO!” he cried out as he stopped swimming. His arms stopped moving, and his body floated to the surface. I stood on the beach, crying deep heart wrenching sobs as the waves washed his body up at my feet.

The shark had bitten through his buns and beef patty, and his hot melted cheese was oozing out onto the sand. The bite was clean, precise.

I was debating having a nibble of my own on Mr. cheeseburger’s carcass when I felt something press into my lower back. My heart dropped to my stomach and fear washed over me. Had Bruce returned? Was he going to stab me now?

I woke up with a start, feeling confused from the dream. As I became aware of my surroundings, I realised I was in my own bed. The thing digging into my back wasn’t a knife being wielded by a crazy American: it was only Justin’s morning erection digging into me. I reached behind me and moved it to a more comfortable position.

“What?” Justin murmured, obviously half awake. “No dinner and movie first?”

I chuckled, wondering why Justin was here. He and Ruth had patched things up several weeks ago and he was living with her again. They were good and strong. Ruth was good and strong!

I turned to face Justin, and snuggled into him as he wrapped his arms around me. The fog started to lift from my mind. Since Quentin’s murder I’d been taking sleeping pills, resulting in morning confusion and fog. Then I remembered.

“It’s your wedding day,” I said to Justin. Ruth had become surprisingly traditional in the lead-up to the wedding and insisted that her and Justin don’t stay under the same roof the night before the ceremony.

“Yes, it is,” he observed. I could feel his smile widen against my cheek.

“I had another dream,” I told him. In preparation for the big day, I’d gone on a strict diet. The combination of the sleeping pills and the diet had resulted in some pretty bizarre dreams.

“What were you and Mr. Cheeseburger doing this time?” he asked. “Hiking up a mountain? Ten pin bowling? Sharing popcorn at a movie theatre?”

“Walking along the beach. Then he went for a swim and got eaten by a shark.”

“That’s awful,” he said, slurring slightly.

We both fell into a light doze.

I was waiting for Donovan outside the halfway house, feeling quite nervous. Today I was going to meet a lot of people who are important to Donovan and Sebastian. My head was reeling from all the recent changes to my life.

I’d gained a new father, but lost a mother. The last time I’d seen Mam was in Sebastian’s office, when she’d admitted she’d known about the abuse inflicted on me by Dad. Since then, I’d tried to phone her several times but there was no answer, and no return phone call despite my pleadings on her answering machine. The last two times I’d phoned, all I’d heard was a recording advising me that the number I was calling was no longer in service.

Last week I’d summoned up the courage to go and visit her, as I desperately wanted to work on my relationship with her. I’d found the house empty. Apparently she’d been so desperate to have a man in her life and to not be alone that she’d chosen Dad over me. I wasn’t upset over the loss of Dad, but I was deeply saddened by the loss of Mam.

Sebastian hadn’t been at Rainbow’s End since Quentin’s murder, however Donovan’s wife, Patricia, had taken over Quentin’s position. She’d helped me pick up the pieces of my self-esteem after being abandoned by Mam.

“It’s because I’m gay,” I’d confided in Patricia. “She’s ashamed of me.”

“No, sweetheart,” Patricia had responded. “Ultimately, it has nothing to do with you. Your mother has a hole in her soul, and believes that only your Dad can fill it. He’s flawed, in fact he’s severely broken, but your Mam is convinced that if she loses him because of his appalling treatment of you, then she’ll be alone forever.”

“Wouldn’t she be better off alone?” I’d asked, quite confused.

“Absolutely, but her fear of being alone is so strong that it trumps her love for you. It’s selfish behaviour, but she had to choose because she’s smart enough to realise she can’t have both of you in her life. There may even be an element of love for you involved in her decision: perhaps she believes she’s protecting you by removing your Dad from your life.”

Donovan pulled up in his car, shaking me from my reverie. I jumped in the passenger seat.

“Hi,” I said. Things were still a little awkward between us, but becoming easier as we spent more time together.

“Hi!” he said brightly. “Ready to go shopping?”

“Sure,” I answered. Donovan had promised to take me shopping for some new clothes, some of which I could wear to the wedding today. “What colour suit do you think I should get?”

“Whatever colour you want,” Donovan replied. “You don’t even have to get a suit at all!”

“But you’re wearing a suit,” I observed.

“So what? You don’t have to wear what I wear to try and fit in. You aren’t mini-me. Be yourself! Be an individual. Develop your own style.”

“OK, sure.”

“I wasn’t around for the first sixteen years of your life, and I don’t expect us to have a conventional father/son relationship. We’re just starting out, and we’re friends. I hope we can develop a close relationship, but take your time. Go at your own pace. Just know that I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”

I sat there, silent. I never know what to say when the counsellor types lay things out so simply and clearly.

“Now,” Donovan said, “what’s our first stop?”

* * *

“This is your house?” I asked Donovan as we pulled into a driveway.

“Yes,” he answered simply.

“Wow,” I said, slowly drawing the word out. It was a mansion! It was impressive, and almost felt overbearing. Suddenly I felt my new jeans, jacket and shoes weren’t good enough to enter this building, despite Donovan’s assurances that I looked good.

“Come on in,” he said, getting out of the car. “Let me introduce you around.”

I followed him into the house, trepidation making me drag my feet and take my time. It felt quite daunting to be at his home, especially on such an important day. At least I’d get to meet all the important people in Donovan’s life at once, I guess.

The first person we saw was Sebastian, and I instantly felt more comfortable. I hadn’t seen him in weeks - not since Quentin’s murder - and I’d forgotten how close I felt to him. His face lit up when he saw me, and he hugged me.

“Tony,” he said. “This is my friend Justin.” He indicated the man standing next to him, whom was obviously the groom judging by his tuxedo.

“It’s a real pleasure to meet you,” Justin said, grabbing my hand and shaking it enthusiastically. “I’ve heard a lot about you!”

“Uh, thanks,” I said, unsure of what to say.

“Come!” Donovan said. “There’s plenty more people to meet.”

“We’ll catch up after the ceremony,” Sebastian said, flashing a big smile at me. He seemed genuinely happy to see me.

“OK”. I turned and followed in Donovan’s wake.

* * *

After the ceremony, all the guests gathered around Ruth and Justin to congratulate them. I’d never seen so much love and affection, and I hung back shyly. Suddenly the bride, Ruth, swept over to me in a wave of white lace.

“You must be Tony!” she said. I nodded quickly.

“Congratulations on your wedding,” I added, remembering my manners. I gave her a tentative kiss on the cheek.

“Thanks sweetheart!” she said, her smile helping me feel at ease. “Welcome to the family!”

Then she was gone, and Donovan and Patricia appeared next to me.

“Are you enjoying yourself?” Patricia asked.

“Yes Ma’am,” I answered. Patricia looked at me with her trademark glare. “Sorry, I mean, yes Patricia,” I corrected myself.

“Donovan and I would like you to move in here with us,” she said.

Standing in front of the freestanding mirror in Patricia’s bedroom, I placed my hand on my stomach. My period is a few days late, but I’m not allowing myself to become excited at the prospect of being pregnant. The lateness of my period could easily be explained by the stress of the last few months.

There was a knock at the door. “It’s time,” came Sebastian’s voice through the door.

“Come in,” I called out.

Sebastian opened the door and walked into the room, then stopped in his tracks as he looked at me.

“Oh my God!” he exclaimed. “You look beautiful!”

I actually blushed. “Thank you. And you look so handsome,” I said. He did: in his tuxedo he cut a very dashing figure. His eyes were clear and sparkling, and his skin looked fresh.

Sebastian gave me a hug and led me through Patricia’s house to the back door. Given Justin’s strong beliefs concerning Nature and the Universe, a church wedding was not feasible. Patricia and Donovan had graciously offered the use of their home for our ceremony and reception, so Justin and I were to be married in their backyard. Since I have no strong religious beliefs at all, this situation was perfect for me too.

Mum was waiting just inside the door. She had a bouquet just like mine, and she looked stunning in her dress. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen her wearing a dress, and I’d given her the option of wearing a suit of some kind, but she’d laughed and said she’d make the sacrifice. When she saw me tears welled up her in her eyes and she hugged me, squeezing far tighter than was necessary.

“No soppy sentimental words now,” she said. “I don’t want to ruin my make-up!”

“Just a moment,” I said to Sebastian, just as he was about to open the glass door. “I want to remember this.”

The sun was shining, and the garden looked spectacular. Justin was standing at the gazebo, looking beautiful in a tuxedo that matched Sebastian’s. There were a few rows of chairs with an aisle down the middle, and all our loved ones were seated there. Some were talking excitedly amongst themselves, and others were looking back at house expectantly. Nobody seemed to be looking at me directly: the light of the day outside must be reflecting off the glass door, turning it into a mirror and preventing the people outside from seeing me just inside the door.

I nodded at Sebastian. “I’m ready,” I said. He opened the door and looked out to the string quartet, then gave them a nod. The first few chords of ‘Here Comes the Bride’ cascaded off their instruments and flowed throughout the garden. The attention of the entire gathering was drawn instantly to the glass door.