My Big Fat Low-Fat Wedding (17 page)

Seriously? She couldn’t have warned me about this before we left the house? It’s not that my hiking resolve is waning, it’s just that I want to get up and back down off the bloody hill at some point today. At this rate though I might just end up running errands all over town with Callum’s mother. He’d insisted she was only trying to help, back at the house, but I don’t really see how the woman is going to affect my doggedness. I’m on a personal high! I don’t need a personal trainer to kick me into gear today!

“What are you pointing at, dear? Is there a spider on your windscreen?”

Oh flip. I’ve allowed my inner convictions to express themselves physically again. I’m pointing at nothing in a gesture of determination. “Um… yes,” I reply to Brenda, placing my hand back onto the steering wheel. “It’s gone now though. It was only a tiny bug.”

Beside me, Brenda shivers. I know she hates spiders. The feeling runs in the family. I don’t know how many times Callum has told me the horror story of his youth when his dad used to torture him with big spider corpses by pretending to eat the little blighters when he’d catch them.

I give an involuntary shiver too and nearly miss shifting gears. Getting the clutch under control I nudge the car up the steep hill. I’m using the car park at the back of Belle Vue Terrace so that I can drive out of here quickly after we’ve visited Paige’s shop.

I will get up onto the top of that Beacon soon! I vow! But this time I don’t stick a finger into the air as we hop out of the car.

Upon entering the health food store I’m immediately on the lookout for hovering tub bots.

“Emily? What are you doing here?”

“Lovely to see you too, Paige.” I raise my eyebrows at the shop’s owner, wondering what the abrupt greeting is all about.

“Sorry,” she apologises and turns to Brenda. “What can I get for you two lovely ladies?” I’m about to speak, but Paige just carries on. “The usual, Emily?” She looks over her shoulder, then back at us. “Yes, the usual… I’ll get that for you while you two have a look around.”

And with that the woman takes her leave.

I look at Brenda who shrugs her shoulders. I too am disbelieving of Paige’s curt manner and all I can do is shrug my shoulders as well.

“I will have a look around, actually.” Brenda wanders around the shop as I head towards the till. As I near the back room I hear restrained speech, as though someone’s trying very hard not to scream their head off.

“You silly little robot,” I hear Paige hiss. “Just stay back here and stop wandering around my shop.”

Oh hoy. What’s this now? Is there finally another person in this blasted town who finds Oliver’s robots to be most disagreeable?

“Are you all right in there, Paige?” I call to her and she immediately presses through the beaded curtain that’s dangling in front of the doorway.

“Perfectly fine, Emily!” She replies a little too enthusiastically. “Here are your usual items.” She plops a box full of healthy foods onto the till countertop.

I suppose I could pick up an order today, I don’t need to re-stock yet, but Paige seems on edge and I don’t want to upset her. “You sure you’re all right?” I give her a look that I hope belays a sense of trust between us. “If you need to talk about certain robot problems then I’m your girl.”

“Robot problems? Whatever do you mean, Emily?”

“I mean,” I say, leaning forward and whispering so that no other customers in the vicinity might overhear. “If your robot is on the warpath you can send it back to Oliver and I won’t tell anyone.”

I don’t really know why I’m being so secretive. If I had things my way everyone in the world would know how I truly feel about Oliver’s disastrous bots. As for the current situation though, somehow I don’t think Paige is quite on the same page as me. I think she’d prefer to keep her robot matters private for some unknown reason.

“Warpath.” Paige mumbles this one word as she rings up my purchase.

“Yes, warpath,” I repeat. “The bot Oliver sent to my cafe completely trashed the place, remember?”

“Oh well.” Paige waves her hand nonchalantly. “I’m sure that was just a one off thing. My robot is okay… really… it’s a perfectly TERRIFIC AND WONDERFUL DEVICE!” The end of her statement rings out loud and true. Well, I’m not exactly sure about the truth of her words, but they’re certainly loud enough to make me take a step back. The way she’s banging on about the bloody bot you’d think the thing was listening in for a quick rewired ego boost.

“I think I’ve got everything you need, Emily.” Brenda bounds over with her basket full of health foods.

“Everything I need?”

“Yes of course, darling. Didn’t Callum tell you about the detox part of your new health and fitness regime?”

My shoulders collapse despondently. “Callum told me no such thing.”

“It’s my wedding gift to you dear.”

I glance at Paige as Brenda pats me patronisingly on the arm. Paige raises her eyebrows but doesn’t say anything.

“I’m not going to charge my daughter-in-law-to be for my expert personal trainer advice, now am I?”

Uh oh.

“This is my gift to you, darling.” Brenda places her other hand on the basket of healthy food items. “I’m going to be your personal trainer both at the gym and in your kitchen, free of charge. You’re welcome!”

I didn’t say thank you. Nevertheless, Brenda grabs me into an embrace. I thought I was doing quite all right on my own. Okay so maybe I have slipped up on the old dieting front from time to time, but this time I’m determined. The word ‘determined’ has become my new one-word mantra. I don’t need a personal trainer telling me what to eat on top of telling me how to exercise.

Deflating my shoulders ever further I slump into Brenda’s arms. Somehow, I don’t think I’m going to have much choice in the matter.

***

With my car stuffed full of health foods galore, Brenda and I wind our way up the Malvern Hills on a lovely sunshiny day. I’m parking the car at North Quarry so that my vehicle can sit in the shade. I wouldn’t want all of the extra helpings of health food items in the boot to go bad, now would I? The North Quarry car park is perfect for shading purposes. The overgrown cliffs are covered in rich foliage and thick trees line the ground beneath the exposed multi-coloured stones that make up the hillside.

Of course, the quarry at the north of Malvern is no longer in use. Harvesting the beautiful stone that is native to Malvern is no longer legal. There are, however, old homes and rock walls made of Malvern Stone. Whenever someone does a bit of exterior remodelling work on their homes, you can bet their excess Malvern Stone castoffs are picked up quick by those who covet the green, purple and red hued rocks.

It’s so beautiful up here on the hills today, I’m inclined to forget the present company I’m in, even if the woman keeps persisting that I’m stretching all wrong.

“Be careful, Emily!” Brenda bellows. “You don’t want to pull your muscle like last time.”

Oh great, so Callum told his mum about the time when I was laid up in bed for a year. Well, for a week actually, but it felt like a year at the time.

“It’s fine, I’m fine.” I reply to Brenda calmly. “I know what I’m doing.”

“Are you sure? That boulder doesn’t look particularly steady.”

“Of course it’s steady, Brenda.” Lifting my leg higher, I perch it on the big rock in front of me. “It’s been sitting here for hundreds of years through rain and snowstorms and who knows what else. I hardly think my little foot provides enough pressure to…”

I stop talking immediately when the boulder I’m leaning against moves.

“What was that, dear?”

I don’t think Brenda has noticed. She’s gazing up at the nearby cliff face.

“Nothing!” I exclaim, quickly removing my foot from the huge wobbly rock lest I go tumbling. “Maybe you’re right, I’ll just stretch over here on the grass.” Moving off the gravelled surface, Brenda follows me. I’m then subjected to fifteen full minutes of proper stretching from my newly appointed personal trainer who comes free of charge, if you’re a daughter-in-law-to-be.

It’s not that Brenda pushes too hard on my limbs as she instructs me. It’s the fact that there’s so much body contact with the woman in the first place! Especially when she keeps telling me I’m doing it wrong every three seconds.

My eyes are about to explode with tears of frustration. I bite back the watery eyes by literally chomping down on my tongue. Not too hard though, I only want to negate the pain of Brenda’s words in my ears. I don’t want to bite off my own tongue in the process.

“You’re a bit like Callum when I first started training him, aren’t you Emily?”

What’s that supposed to mean? I wonder.

“Oh but not to worry, I soon whipped my wonderful son into shape! Oh yes I did and still do!”

Brenda keeps speaking to me like this; in a very peppy manner. She reminds me of Kirsten’s exuberance just before a Zumba Zumba workout. How a woman of her age retains such energy levels, I’ll never know. I hope I’m as energetic as Brenda when I’m her age. As far as physicality goes. I’d never hope to be as pushy as she is though. If she’s pushing me this hard without yet even being related to her (by law), I dread to think how much she pushed Callum. Come to think of it, why did she whip her son into shape? What shape was he in before? A triangle or something? Because I find it hard to believe that my delectable fiancé has ever been anything but perfectly buff.

Not that it matters if he once was a triangle. And not that there’s any such thing as being a triangle. Oh bugger me, my thoughts do wander atrociously. I figure my brain wanderings have something to do with the fact that I’m trying to tune out Brenda’s demands.

“Pick up those knees!” She shouts at me as we travers the already steep hillside.

“Okay!” I huff and puff in agreement. It’s quite an incline we’re climbing, plus, the terrain is rugged and rocky. I’m sure this is great exercise, which is what I was determined to get today, but there is such a thing as over doing it after a night of shitting one’s self.

“Stop!” Brenda practically skids to a halt in front of me, kicking up dirt with her trainers. Her bright blue spandex clad legs lock at the knees, rigidly. “Did you hear that?”

Straining my ears I grind to a stop myself and listen. All I hear are birds chirping, until…

Crackle, crash.

Noises of breaking twigs near.

“What’s that?” Brenda points and I look left, following her gaze.

Through the shrubs are falling leaves. Whole spaces of bush bend and squash down into the ground.

“Something’s coming,” I say, stating the obvious. “It had better not be a—”

A robot rolls into view.

“—a fucking robot.”

Brenda frowns at me, but I’m not bothered if she’s arsed about my language. What I am worried about is the fact that a massive steam roller like robot is crashing its way through the undergrowth towards us.

Ppshhhhh!

The contraption grinds to a halt, hissing and spitting steam from its many orifices.

Clank!

There’s a banging sound from atop the two metre high bot. I know this thing before us has got to be one of Oliver’s inventions. What else could it be?

“Hello down there!” Brenda and I ease our way to the side at the sound of a shouting voice. “Would you mind moving aside? I’ve got gully clearing to do!”

“Thomas? Is that you?”

Thomas. “Stalker boy?” I say, grinding my teeth in anger. Honestly! This kid is suddenly everywhere I am!

“What was that, dear?”

“Never mind.” Brushing Brenda’s question away, I call out. “Where are you, kid?”

“I’m not a kid! I’m a man aged eighteen and I’m up here!”

Brenda and I crane our necks to find that Thomas is indeed up somewhere. He’s actually sitting inside the giant robot. “Is this one of Oliver’s bots?” I ask loudly.

“Course it is!” Thomas yells down at me. The clanging noise must have been him opening the hatch that’s now leaning to the side. “He let me do the gully cleaning today when I said I was going up the hi…”

Stalker Boy doesn’t finish his sentence.

“Why on earth have you come up here today when I told you I’d be meeting Emily for a walk, son?” Brenda looks very put out, but not nearly as annoyed as I’m feeling right now.