My Big Fat Zombie Goldfish

 

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To my super-supportive family—Guy, Daniel, Charlotte, my mom and dad, JoAnne, and of course my big brother, who's grown up to be one of the least evil things I can imagine being—a bookseller

 

CONTENTS

 

Title Page

Copyright Notice

Dedication

A Frankly Shocking Tale

Chapter 1: The Evil Scientist

Chapter 2: A Fish in a Bag

Chapter 3: Fish 911

Chapter 4: Frankenfish

Chapter 5: That's No Ordinary Goldfish

Chapter 6: Dawn of the Zombie Toddler

Chapter 7: A Classic Evil Scientist Trap

Chapter 8: The Great Escape

Chapter 9: The Fatal Flush

Chapter 10: Mission Unflushable

Chapter 11: Revenge of the Zombie Goldfish

Chapter 12: The Return of the Mommy

Chapter 13: Got My Zombie Eye on You

Chapter 14: Zombie Sleepover

Rules the School!

Chapter1: The Evil Computer Genius

Chapter2: The Creature from the Green Lagoon

Chapter3: The Truly Evil Plan

Chapter4: The Rise of BBEDLAM

Chapter5: Return of the Zombie Toddler

Chapter6: The Dastardly Trap

Chapter7: Tsunami Zombie Trouble

Chapter8: Ninja Zombie Showdown

Chapter9: Battle of the Undead Fish Zombies

Chapter10: Dawn of the Lunch Ladies

Chapter11: No One Suspects a Zombie

Chapter12: Zombie Virus Countdown

Chapter13: Fin-Tastic Finale

Note

Acknowledgments

My Big Fat Zombie Goldfish the Seaquel Excerpt

Copyright

 

 

Yesterday my big brother, Mark, turned into a real-life actual
EVIL SCIENTIST
. I mean, he always was mostly evil anyway—you know, knocking me down things or over things, locking me in things or out of things, squashing me under things or between things, that kind of mostly evil stuff. But lately he's slid up the evil scale from “mostly evil” to “nearly totally evil.” It started with the way he talked.

“Hey! Tom!” he shouted. “Remote! Now!”

Mark spoke in short words, like his brain had shrunk or something. He grabbed the remote and kicked my foot away. “Moron,” he mumbled.

My best friend, Pradeep, who lives next door, says that “moron” is a big-brother word for little brothers. His brother, Sanj, who's also mostly evil, calls him that too. Luckily Sanj is away at boarding school though, so he can only be mostly evil to Pradeep during school vacations.

I told my mom about Mark going more evil, but Mom said it's just that Mark is “home-moanal.” Which I think is why he's moaning at home a lot. She said he can't help acting evil (well, she didn't say evil exactly, but she should have). She said it's because he has lots of “home-moans” racing around his body.

Just when I thought Mark couldn't get worse, Granny and Grandad got him a chemistry set for his birthday. It came in a huge box with big official writing on the front that read:

WARNING! Only for use by children over twelve years old. To be used solely under the supervision of adults.

While I was reading the box, Mark thwacked my head from behind.

“Don't touch this—got it?” he said.

I walked away rubbing my head. Mostly because it hurt, but also to get my head out of the way in case he decided to thwack me again.

He took out a white scientist coat and looked at all the stuff inside the box. There were bottles and test tubes and cups and little stirring things, all made of glass. Real breakable glass! Mom looked at the chemistry set and leaned over to me.

“Maybe you shouldn't touch it, dear. It looks like an accident waiting to happen,” she said.

Mark put on the coat and turned around. He folded up the collar, shoved his hands in the pockets and let a creepy smile spread over his face. And you know that squirmy, prickly feeling you get when you let a millipede crawl on your arm? I had that feeling, but in my stomach.

Mark had turned into an
EVIL SCIENTIST
. But I didn't know how evil he could be until he came home the next day with the goldfish.

 

 

Now, we'd had goldfish before. We won them at a church fair by throwing ping-pong balls into the little bowls they were swimming in. They didn't live very long though. Mom said it was because the fish all had concussions from being hit on the head with the ping-pong balls.

I had a concussion once when I was four, after I accidentally ran into the front door that Mark
accidentally
slammed shut just as he
accidentally
yelled, “Run, Tom, run.” That was back when he was just mostly evil.