My Blood Approves (12 page)

“
No, it’s not like that.
You know what I mean. You feel it too, right?” His eyes flitted
back over to me, then quickly away again. “Like you feel drawn to
me. You enjoy me and everything, but you feel kind of compelled to
be around me.”

“
I guess,” I said
noncommittally. He’d actually hit the nail on the head, but I
didn’t want to admit to that.

“
Well, that’s how I feel.”
He had put himself out there for a minute, and he shifted
uncomfortably. I felt bad for not being more honest with
him.

“
But… what does that have
to do with your family?”

“
That’s the complicated
part,” he smirked.

“
You can’t tell me
anything?” I asked. I knew that if I were smarter, I’d probably
have everything pieced together already. Jack was probably growing
frustrated with me failing to follow his little half
clues.

“
They like you,” he offered
helpfully.

“
Yeah, I could tell that
Peter’s a real big fan,” I scoffed, and he just pursed his lips
grimly.

“
It’s really, really
complicated, Alice. But…” He sighed again. “Okay. That’s all I can
say.”

“
Why?” I demanded. We had
already pulled up in front of my house, making the trek home in
record time. He looked over at me, his expression grave but
affectionate. “Why can’t you tell me more?”

“
Honestly?” Jack bit his
lip, and I could see the internal debate raging. “I like you too
much.”

“
That doesn’t make any
sense! If you like me, you should just be open and honest with me.
That’s what people do. That’s how it works,” I said. His eyes
looked conflicted and pained, and I thought almost had him, but
then he looked down at his hands and shook his head.

“
I saw your face
yesterday.” His voice clogged painfully. “I don’t want you to ever
look at me that way again.”

“
I won’t!” I insisted, but
we both know that I couldn’t be sure of that. I had no idea what he
wasn’t telling me, so I couldn’t promise my reaction to
it.

“
It’s late.”

“
Fine, be that way.” I
threw open the car door. “I had a really lovely time tonight and I
hope we can do it again real soon.”

“
Sweet dreams,” Jack smiled
at me, and I smiled back, despite my frustration.

“
Yeah, you too.”

By the time I made it up to my apartment, I
was struggling not to cry. All Peter had really done was look at
me, and it was somehow devastating. An unfailing insistence inside
me wanted him, but I refused to listen to it.

Jack and Mae liked me, probably more than
they should, and I really liked them, definitely more than I
should, and that was enough. That was more than enough! Why did I
have to be so greedy?

“
Alice?” Milo said timidly,
startling me from my thoughts. The apartment was mostly dark, and I
hadn’t seen him sitting on the couch, waiting up for me. I had just
been leaning against the front door. “Are you okay?”

“
Yeah, I’m just peachy.” I
swallowed hard and walked over to the couch.

Milo was talking to me, and that was pretty
damn exciting. I pushed Peter and Jack from my thoughts and sat
down next to him.

“
Did you have a nice time
tonight?” Milo asked, and I nodded quickly.

“
Yeah. I did. What about
you?”

“
It was okay,” he
shrugged.

“
I’m sorry. For the things
I said today.” I wasn’t sure if that was the right thing to say, or
if it made me sound like I was sorry he was gay or something. But
it was too late, and I would just deal with how he
reacted.

“
No, don’t be.” He ran a
hand through his brown hair and looked away from me. “When I asked
if you were gonna be home tonight, I was upset. But it was because
you’ve been gone so much lately, and the other night, when I
thought you were going to stay home and eat with me, you left. I
just haven’t seen you very much. I kind of missed you.”

“
Oh, Milo, I am sorry!” My
eyes filled with tears.

He had just missed me, and then I had been
so horrible to him. I had been gone a lot lately, thanks to Jack,
and I hadn’t even really considered how Milo felt about it. No,
scratch that. I did consider it; I just didn’t care. I had to be
the worst sister in the world. Really.

“
Let me finish,” Milo
interjected quietly. “But… you were right. I am attracted to Jack.
And guys in general. I just didn’t know how to tell you, or even
how to tell myself, I guess. So that’s why I’ve been so distant
lately.”

“
You know I love you no
matter what, right?” I threw my arms around him. He squirmed a
little but let me hug him. “I am so sorry I haven’t been around! I
promise I’ll spend more time with you!”

“
You don’t have to.” He
pulled back from my grip but stayed close to me.

“
I know that! I want to!
I’ve missed you too. And I’m just so sorry for
everything.”

“
You can quit apologizing,”
Milo said, not unkindly. “You didn’t really do that much
wrong.”

“
I still feel
horrible.”

“
Yeah, I get that.” He
smiled, and I laughed a little.

“
We’ll hang out tomorrow. I
promise.”

“
Okay,” Milo yawned. “I
really need to get to bed, though. It’s way past my bedtime.” He
got up and started walking to his bedroom.

“
Okay,” I nodded, feeling
genuinely sad to see him go. “Hey, Milo? I love you.”

“
I know.” Then he
disappeared into the darkness of his room. I went into my room and
changed into my pajamas.

I curled up underneath my covers, and for
the first time in a long time, I cried myself to sleep.

- 8 -

At school, Jane poked and prodded me, then
repeatedly told me that I looked like hell. I’m sure it had to do
with how terrible I slept, and all the strange dreams I couldn’t
quite remember. They were mostly a blur of images that I couldn’t
decipher, except for one clear image: Peter’s eyes burning through
me.

Of course, I couldn’t explain any of this to
Jane. It still was a struggle for her not to mention Jack, so I
couldn’t either.

Milo had seemed to return to his normal
self, much to my relief. When we got home, he started talking
rapidly about a new recipe he wanted to try out.

Last night, I’d managed to forget to eat
anything, and at lunch, I had still felt too tired and out-of-it to
eat. But once I was in the safety of my apartment listening to Milo
rattle of a list of tasty ingredients, my appetite came back full
swing.

We went to the grocery store to get his
recommended supplies, but I was too hungry to wait, so I ate a pear
in the store. Milo looked embarrassed, even though I insisted that
I’d pay for it (and I did).

Taking the groceries home was always a
project because we had to take the bus with arm loads of bags. I
wished Mom would spring and buy a car, but it didn’t seem like it
was in the cards.

Jack hadn’t text messaged me yet, and I
tried to pretend like that didn’t bother me. All through supper,
while I attempted to help Milo cook, I had to constantly fight the
urge to check my cell phone in my pocket to make sure it was on or
I hadn’t missed a message.

After my incident cutting my finger (which
apparently hadn’t been that minor since I still required a Boba
Fett Band-Aid), Milo left me with all the easy jobs, like washing
vegetables, measuring ingredients, and buttering bread.

His supper was ridiculously good. We sat at
the table, where I promptly devoured everything.

Mom woke up, and we offered her a plate, but
she just shook her head and hurried out the door. We’d seen her for
a total of ten minutes that day, but I imagined that if we were to
add it up, we saw her an average of an hour a week.

“
You should really go to
culinary school,” I told Milo. “You’re amazing. This is definitely
something you should do for a living.”

We were still sitting at the table, and I
had one knee pulled up to my chest, which was getting more
uncomfortable the more I ate. I had already cleaned one plate and
had started on a second, but my eyes were larger than my
stomach.

“
I’ve kind of looked into
it.” He shrugged modestly, and he didn’t have a clue what an
amazing cook he was. Milo never believed he was good at anything,
no matter what I told him. “I don’t know.”

“
Well, you still have a few
years to think about it, but you’re too good to keep this hidden
from the world.” I took another bite, but my stomach screamed in
protest. I forced myself to push my plate away, knowing that I
would explode if I continued eating.

“
What about you? You’re
graduating before I am. What did you have in mind?” Milo turned the
tables on me, and I squirmed a little. He knew my grades at school,
and he was constantly trying to talk to me about my future, but I
avoided it as much as possible.

“
I don’t know.” Lately,
with everything that had been going on with Jack, I had a new found
appreciation for paranormal studies and biology. “Maybe I’ll go to
med school.” I had meant it as a joke, but Milo just nodded, like
it would make sense.

“
I could see you as a
psychiatrist,” Milo said. “I mean, not anything that had to do with
blood or surgery.”

“
No, that would definitely
be out,” I agreed readily. When I saw all the blood on Jack’s
nonexistent wound, I had to fight the urge to vomit. “But I can’t
imagine me being a psychiatrist.”

“
Really?” He raised an
eyebrow, as if it seemed like an obvious choice to him. “You’re a
pretty good listener, and you love figuring people out. Everyone is
like a puzzle to you, and you’re trying to put all the pieces
together.”

“
I guess that is true.”
Essentially, that’s all I’d been doing for the last few weeks, but
until Milo had said it like that, I didn’t realize that’s what I
did.

“
I mean, you figured out
that I was gay.” Milo spoke quietly and kept his eyes down, so I
knew it was still something that was uncomfortable for him to talk
about.

“
When did you know?” I
pulled my plate back over to me, but I just pushed the food around.
I was too full to eat, but when I felt awkward, I wanted to keep my
hands busy with something, and this was better than biting my
nails.

“
I don’t know.” He sighed a
little, and I wondered if I should change the subject, but then he
went on. “I suspected for… ever, I guess. I mean, as soon as I
learned what gay was, I thought, ‘maybe.’ But really, it was when I
met Jack.” He blushed deeply, keeping his eyes fixed on the floor.
“I’d just never been so attracted to anyone like that
before.”

“
Yeah, Jack does that.” I
had meant to comfort him with that statement, but I ended up
sounding exasperated.

“
But you’re not attracted
to him.” Milo looked up at me, looking both confused and
disbelieving. “How is that even possible?”

“
I’m attracted to him,
definitely,” I explained the best I could. “I just don’t want to
have sex with him.” Then I remembered what he looked like last
night, sliding shirtless into the hot tub.

“
But…” Milo shifted
uncomfortably, and he sounded unsure of himself. “I don’t mean to
sound gross, but that was all I could think about.”

“
That’s not gross,” I
replied quickly, but then recanted. “Okay. It’s a little gross, but
only cause you’re my little brother. Not cause of the whole gay
thing.”

“
Even Jane went crazy about
him, and she’s never crazy about anyone, except for herself.” He
was waiting for an explanation, but I didn’t have one.

“
I don’t get it either,” I
told him finally. “I don’t see what you guys see in him, even. I
mean, he’s attractive and funny and everything…” I trailed off,
realizing that maybe I did feel the way they did about Jack, then
suddenly, I remembered Peter. “I met his brother last
night.”

“
And?” Milo leaned in
closer to me, his eyes shining brightly.

“
And nothing. He’s
gorgeous, like unbelievably so, but he hates me.” I shrugged,
trying to make it look like it didn’t bother me as much as it did,
and went back to picking at my plate of food.

“
He hates you? Why?” At
least he was incredulous at the idea of anyone hating me. Maybe I
was more likable than I gave myself credit for.

“
I honestly couldn’t tell
you.” It physically hurt just thinking about the way that Peter had
glared at me when I was by the hot tub. I would gladly throw myself
under a bus than endure another look like that. “I don’t think I
even spoke to him.”

“
Then how do you know he
hates you?”

“
If you had seen the way he
looked at me…” I shuddered at the thought of it and decided that
that was enough of talking about Peter and Jack. I stood up and
started to clear off the table.

“
I don’t get you, Alice,”
Milo muttered when I took his plate.

“
There’s nothing to get,” I
replied glibly.

Since he had cooked, that usually meant that
I would do the dishes, but he helped me out tonight. He had just
started doing his homework when I decided that a nice long, hot
shower was in order. But when I went into the bathroom, the hamper
was overflowing, and we were completely out of clean towels.