My Boring-Ass Life (Revised Edition): The Uncomfortably Candid Diary of Kevin Smith (23 page)

This is where we’re confronted with the shopping cart conundrum. Any food store I’ve ever been in offers complimentary shopping carts to their customers. Here in Vancouver, shopping carts have to be rented. You stick a Loony (the popular dollar coin) into the cart handle, which unlocks it. When you’re done, you return the cart to the rack, insert a key, and get your buck back. I guess it makes sense, but essentially what’s being said is “for a buck, you can own this shopping cart”.

Another thing that throws me for a loop is the paucity of product in Canadian food stores. In the States, we have copious choices for every item: you want to choose from thirty different kinds of peanut butter, you get your ass to America. You want to decide between, say, three? Oh, Canada. The former may be part of the reason our nation has such a problem with rampant obesity. The latter is enough to keep this anti-Bush-er from taking up residence in the Great White North. I dig the socialized medicine and the crime statistics (550 murders in ‘04 — nationwide), but when I hit the food store, I need variety, bitch.

We’re ten minutes into food shopping when I get the call from 2nd A.D. Karen, who informs me that they’re pulling me in an hour earlier, as they’re ahead of schedule with the first scene. Jen, Harley and I make a mad dash through the grocery store, check out, then head back to the hotel. We head upstairs, I grab my backpack, kiss the girls g’bye, and I’m off.

Even though I’ve got a directions map, Dave the Driver is downstairs, waiting for me. I tell him I’ll follow him over, and we cross one of the city’s many bridges to our location for the day, out past Kitsilano.

I get into my trailer and discover a big ‘Welcome Aboard’ basket filled with stuff reminiscent of the flick (lots of fishing gear, tea bags, kiddie tea sets, etc.) accompanied by a sweet note from Susanah. Beside that start gift is the studio start gift from Amy, Matt and Ange: a leather bag full of more
Catch
kinds of stuff and a Sony digital camera.

In the bedroom part of my trailer, Elaine (the trailer-based costumer) has laid out Sam’s outfit for the day: a tie-dye Celestial Seasonings shirt over a long sleeve shirt, shorts, and sandals over socks. Adorably, Elaine has also labeled every piece of clothing with tags identifying each item (“these are your socks”), including a pair of non-costume slickers beside the bed that are marked “for comfort, if it rains”.

I head to the vanities and Forest puts my hair on while I rock the iPod in the Bose. Lunch is called, so we opt to do the prosthetic and the makeup afterwards.

I chill in my trailer ‘til after lunch, when Lori sends me back to Forest, who affixes my prosthetic. Because we’re not sure if it’s where Susanah wants it, Forest and I take a van to the set five blocks away to clear it with her. We’re suddenly in a fictional Green Party candidate’s campaign headquarters, where I spot Herr Director in the midst of making decisions between shots. I give Susanah a hug and let her gauge the prosthetic. She gives her notes, and Forest and I head back to the makeup trailer. Forest does touch-ups and turns me over to Margaret, who expertly does my makeup.

I head outside to grab a smoke, then head back into my trailer and rehearse my lines into the mirror a dozen times. I head back outside to discover a relative ghost town: everyone else is up at the set, shooting, so I’m kind of alone back at base camp.

It’s a weird adjustment to make, not being in the thick of it all. There’s no Mos, no Mewes, or no Affleck, and I’m not on set, surrounded by a full crew asking millions of questions. The more I think about it, I’m pretty lonely. I call Jen, who’s assuaging my fears, when Lori the 3rd A.D. knocks on my trailer door, telling me it’s time to head to set.

The set for my scene is across the street from the Green Party candidate’s set. I arrive in time for the blocking rehearsal, with the vanities in tow. Shelly greets our van and leads me into the fake Celestial Seasonings office at which my fake character fake works.

The first set-up is pretty easy, with me having to enter my office, drop a bunch of folders on my desk, throw myself in my chair, look bored, and deliver only one line of dialogue. We rehearse it, getting the blocking down, and the crew takes over, lighting the set. I head outside and chit-chat with Forest (hair), Margaret (makeup) and Sandy (wardrobe). Then, it’s time to shoot.

The weird thing about not directing myself (as I usually do) is that we don’t stop when I think we’ve got it. Suzie Q’s in charge, so that means we stop only when she feels she’s got it. After six takes, she gets that feeling, and we block the next piece.

One of the most unsung entertaining aspects of being on any movie set is taking in the little details put in place by the props and set dec folks that are often ignored by the audience. This flick’s no exception: on a corkboard in my fake office, there’s a few concept drawings of animals for various Celestial Seasoning boxes. One of the drawings depicts a friendly looking owl holding a mug of tea. There’s a Post-It stuck on the drawing that’s meant to be put there by my character, with the words “Too scary for kids?” penciled on it. This cracks me up to no end.

Susanah chooses to shoot the next piece — in which I deliver a small monologue to an unseen boss — in a way that I never would have imagined. As I rehearsed the scene in my trailer, I assumed I’d be delivering lines to camera in a tits-up shot. Susanah has me in profile, standing in a doorway, delivering the lines to a person in the room. Outside the room, there’s a large poster of a bear from one of the Celestial Seasonings boxes. As composed in the frame, the shot makes it look like I’m talking to the bear, kinda — the subtext of which is kinda funny. I internally note the fact that, even though it’s her first film, Susanah already has more of a knack for telling a story visually than I do.

Outside, I bullshit with Jenno while the lighting crew tries to give John Lindley (our DP) and Susanah what they’re looking for. Casey (the line producer) joins us and lets me know that, for insurance reasons, I’m not supposed to be driving my own car to set. I balk at this, as I can’t stand being driven anywhere. I point out that I drove the hearse at my father’s funeral, then quickly point out that there’s no truth to that story, though wouldn’t it have made my argument stronger if there was? Before long, I’m pulled back inside for the shot. I go over some word swaps with Susanah (she’s very cool about ad-libbing), I tag Forest to play the off-camera boss who I’m addressing, and we shoot the one-er.

I’m a sweater. I sweat when I breathe. So under those hot lights and a crowded, body-filled set, I sweat an inordinate amount. Forest and Margaret are kept on their toes through both of my set-ups, dabbing away massive puddles and hair-dryer-ing a mop that looks like it’s just come out of an old timey wash tub, where it was bobbing for apples.

And I’m sweating up a storm during shot after shot of this scene. Inside, I feel like I nail it on take two or three, but Susanah’s looking for something, which I guess I finally give her on take eight, because that’s when Dave Sardi (our first A.D.) tells the camera team to check the gate. With the gate declared clean, my first day on
Catch & Release
wraps.

Susanah and I thank each other and make sketchy plans to get our kids together the next day. Driven by Penny, I head back to base, trying to come up with a suitable Quote of the Day for 2nd A.D. Karen’s call-sheet.

In the vanities trailer, Forest strips away my fake hair and prosthetic. Since there’s glue in my hair, she offers to wash it. I practically dive into the sink, because getting my hair washed by someone else is one of my all time favorite pastimes.

Afterwards, it’s over to Margaret’s chair for the makeup removal with the warm, wet towel and the mini-facial. This, friends, is bliss.

I head to my trailer, get changed into my Kev Clothes, leave my costume heaped on the bed, and include a note to Elaine that reads “Elaine — Sorry I didn’t hang up my costume. Kevin. P.S. — I realize in the time it took me to write this, I could’ve hung up my costume. P.P.S. — I heart you.”

I load the welcome baskets into my truck and head for the city. Instead of going straight to the hotel, I head to the Future Shop instead, where I pick out a pair of TV/DVD player combos: one for Harley’s room, and more importantly, one for me and Jen. The salesman helps me get them out to my already stuffed car (two welcome gifts, a wardrobe bag full of my clothes from home that costume designer Tish had borrowed to copy for the flick), and the still-flat tire from our drive up). I neglected to hit the parking meter in the garage when I pulled in, so my windshield is sporting a forty-dollar ticket.

I get back to the hotel and the doormen unload all my stuff and cart it up to the room. Marc (the bellman who’d showed us our room when we’d initially come to scout it out last week) helps with the swap-out of the TVs, while Jen orders me some room service. By the time the food arrives, Harley’s TV is set up and programmed (putting her knee-deep in the new
Kim Possible
DVD), and Marc and the tech guy are hooking up the TV for my and Jen’s room. Jen and I chit-chat over dinner while the tech guy drags TVs away.

I say g’night to Harley and Jen starts reading her books. The tech guy left the test DVD (
Fight Club
) playing in the room, so I let that spin for a bit while I check my email on the bed. Jen joins me in the room, and we kick back to some
White Noise
. Afterwards, we pop in some season four
Cheers
DVDs that we fall asleep to.

Tuesday 17 May 2005 @ 8:14 p.m.

I get up around seven-thirty, take a dump, and check email. I take a shower, kiss the girls g’bye, and follow Driver Dave over to the set in Kitsilano.

I get my hair put on and head over to the set with Sam for a blocking rehearsal. Today, it’s me, Sam and Garner doing a kinda light scene. We block the scene for an hour; then head back to the trailers.

I call Schwalbach to see if she’s gonna come over with Harley. Trailer world is adjacent to a nice park and it’s not raining for a change, so I’m thinking Harley would enjoy coming over. I ask Lori if one of the Teamsters can pick up Jen and Harley from the hotel, then head back to set to shoot the master.

We shoot for a few hours, then I head back to base camp. When I get out of the van, I see Jen and Harley hanging out in the park. I introduce Sam to the wife and kid, then shuffle the family over to the catering truck for lunch. En route, we run into Susanah and Jenno, and I introduce Jen and Harley to both (though Jen’s had something of an email introduction to Jenno the month before when she was inquiring about the Vancouver living arrangements). Susanah’s assistant Rhonda tells us that, post-lunch, she’ll take Harley to Susanah’s to hang with Susanah’s kids.

We grab some lunch, head back to the trailer and chow down. When we’re done, Rhonda takes Harley to Susanah’s, and Jen and I have a smoke. Then, Lori comes by to tell me we’re back from lunch, and that the van’s waiting to take me to set. I kiss Jen and head off.

Between set-ups, I hang out with Sam mostly. Sometimes, we chat up Garner, sometimes we just chill outside, smoking and talking to the crew. We’re moving along at a nice clip, so I don’t get back to my trailer for three hours. When I get there, Schwalbach’s about ready to go home. We lay down together for fifteen minutes before I’m called back to set. I ask Lori to see if Susanah’s assistant Rhonda can bring Harley back from Susanah’s place, kiss Jen g’bye, secure a ride home for her and Harley, and head back to set to shoot my closeup.

I shoot my coverage. Since I’ve been off camera most of the day, I’ve had the benefit of having plenty of time to get the lines and delivery down to a science. Susanah lets me ad-lib a few takes, but since I’m eating during the scene and trying to keep continuity as far as when I picked up what in the master, I don’t stray too far from the script. When we’re done, I head back to the vanities to get my hairpiece removed, and enjoy another hair washing and facial before jumping into the Hate Tank and heading home. En route, I ask Jen to order up some room service for me so that it’s there when I get back.

After getting lost in Kitsilano for twenty minutes, I get back to the apartment just in time for family dinner. We chow down, telling each other about our days, and then Jen puts Harley to bed. Jen and I get into bed and start watching
The Life and Death of Peter Sellers
, but I fall asleep about an hour in.

Wednesday 18 May 2005 @ 8:15 p.m.

I wake up at seven, take a shit, and check email. Call time’s eight thirty, so I shower, get dressed, and head out before the girls get up.

I get to the set and Forest puts on my hairpiece. A van takes us up to the set (the same house we shot in yesterday), and we block for forty-five minutes. It’s a scene with a bit of physical comedy in it — physical comedy that requires a stunt double — so once Susanah and John have an idea of what they’re looking for, the set gets turned over to the lighting department and the cast goes back to base camp.

I get dressed and bullshit with Jenno for a bit. Sam joins us and we talk about the show and speculate on the junket. Casey joins us and suggests a compromise, regarding me driving to set: so long as I do it in a car rented by the production, they’re cool with it.

We head back to set and shoot ‘til lunch. Sam, Garner and I all stay relatively close to set most of the day, ‘til we’re sent back to base camp for lunch. Instead of chowing down, I watch Sam’s short film. It doesn’t play in my trailer’s DVD player, so I pop it in my laptop. About nineteen minutes into the thirty-four minute short, the disc kicks out — which blows as I was enjoying it. I use the remainder of lunch to grab some shut eye, before Lori wakes me up to tell me we’re back, and that I’ve gotta head up to set.

When I get back to set, Chris Moore’s there visiting Jenno. I give him a big hug (as he’s the dude who suggested me for the role in the first place) and we bullshit for a while before I head into the house to finish the scene. When we’re done, Garner’s got another scene to shoot, so we say g’bye and Sam and I head out. We hang around outside talking to Jenno and Chris for a bit, before taking the van back to base camp. Sam and I jaw for a while before he wishes me luck on my scene tomorrow and heads off.