My Boring-Ass Life (Revised Edition): The Uncomfortably Candid Diary of Kevin Smith (4 page)

Sunday 27 March 2005 @ 12:09 p.m.

I wake up around 7:30 to find Harley waking up on our couch, ready to see if the Easter Bunny came. Surprise, surprise — he did (God bless Gail and Jen). Team Quinnster (Jen, Byron, Gail and I) head upstairs for the egg/basket hunt, with Byron firing away on his new Cannon 7MegaPixel SureShot.

Post holiday-lie-endorsement, we’re joined by Malcom and Jackman and start the hour-long process of trying to figure out a table configuration for twenty-plus people. The dining room table is pretty long (it seats twelve), but not long enough. So the kitchen table is dragged into the living room, the dual leaves are put in, and we’re off and running (with a tiny kids’ table between the twain adult tables for the little ones).

I update the diary, shower, and head out to Bristol Farms with Malcolm, Mewes and Jackman to pick up a fruit and cheese platter, as well as some rolls and ice.

We eat at 3:00 p.m. The joint’s packed. In attendance: me, Jen, Harley, Gail, Byron, Mos, Cookie, Jay, Chay, Phil, Malcolm, Jackman, Malcolm’s friend Andre, Gina (Chappy’s still stuck at the Stash), Bryan, Quinn, Andy, Xtian, Endless, Bry’s brother Eric, Quinn’s buddy Sal, Gabrielle and Charlotte (if I’m forgetting anybody, I’m sorry). I stick to the protein.

I talk to Phil for a long time, and later, while everyone’s playing poker, Bob Schreck and Diana Schutz (both in town for the
Sin City
première) and Chappy join us for desserts.

I throw everyone out at 9:00 p.m., as we’ve got an early morning ahead of us.

Jen and I are asleep by 10:00 p.m.

Monday 28 March 2005 @ 12:03 p.m.

I get up before even the dogs, shower, send out last minute emails to Ben [Affleck], [Jason] Lee, Joey [Lauren Adams], and Jeff about the ‘Thon. Then, me and Malcolm meet Jay and Jackman at the office so we can load some artwork for the glass cases at the Dome into the car.

I get to the Dome around 7:30 a.m. The line outside is huge (natch). Inside, we’re all buzzing with preshow activity, doing tech-checks, marking off reserved seats, etc. Smalls has done a great job of pulling the event together. Nothing is left undone.

I jump outside to do a quick interview with CNN.

I’m astounded by the video projection system. For weeks, we’ve been sweating what the projected BetaCams and DV tapes were gonna look like on the Dome’s massive screen. But Vern and George’s amazing machine somehow manages to not only keep all the resolution, but actually improve the picture too.

At 8:45, Mewes and I head outside to get the bracelets around the wrists of all 830 attendees.

Vulgarthon begins (and is fairly well documented over at News Askew).

I get home a little after two in the morning. Jen and I trade tales of Vulgarthon, and I fall asleep to a TiVo’ed
Simpsons
mid-conversation.

Tuesday 29 March 2005 @ 12:03 p.m.

Fucking bastard mutts. Goddamn 6:45 a.m.!

I cruise the board and the ‘net to see what’s what re: Vulgarthon, then call in to the Alice Morning Radio show at 8:00 for a promised on-air chat with Hooman (who was briefly in attendance yesterday). They’re mid-commercials, so we opt to have them call me back.

I set about wrapping up last week’s journal and store it in the new Boring-Ass Life forum, and get current with the new stuff.

Alice calls back, and I chit-chat with Sarah, No-Name, Hooman and Matty about the Vulgarthon.

Jen tells me I’ve gotta bring Harley to her spring break camp (she’s on Easter break from school all week, but she’s doing this day camp thing). I’m also to drop Xtian’s Gabrielle off at the hotel, but her ‘Little Baby’ cow has gone missing. Ten minutes later, after said cow is unearthed, Malcolm, Harley, Gabrielle and I are off.

I drop both kids off at their separate destinations, and then call Joey, Dwight and Lee to touch-base about the night before. All enjoyed themselves (Lee I wind up getting via email later).

Malcolm and I swing by the Griddle, where I’m supposed to meet Brad and Chris for post-’Thon breakfast. Since I’m already a half hour late and we don’t see them outside, we swing back home to grab Jen and Jackman for some Griddle instead.

The four of us Griddle it up, going over the previous night’s activities. As we head off, we run into Bryan and Brian (Lynch) and get their thoughts on the ‘Thon. As far as we can tell, everyone had a good time.

We pop into Rite Aid for some smokes (for Jen) and gum (for me), then head back home.

I talk to ********** who’s come to town for this meeting with the folks at ********** about a ********** feature. We plan for her and *********** (her producing partner/husband) to come over to the house at nine tomorrow morning for a pre-meeting before we all head over to ***********.

(NOTE: As the above stuff is still in development stages, I’ve gotta leave the pertinent info out until deals are in place and signed. Sorry.)

I lay down to watch some TiVo and wind up falling asleep ‘til four-ish. I talk to Mos for awhile, to get his thoughts about the
Amy
Q&A. Afterwards, Jay bombs by after his first day of working on
Bottoms Up
. He fills us in on the shooting, and then me, him, Malcolm and Jackman head to Baja Fresh to bring home some dinner. There, we run into Bryan and Brian (Quinn) and Brian’s friend Sal at the adjacent Coffee Bean. We chit-chat for a bit, pick up the food, then head home.

Me, Jen, Jackman, Malcolm and Harley chow down. Following that, Jen and I put Harley to bed on our couch, and we close the curtains on the boudoir portion of the master bedroom suite and get into some TiVo. We’re both asleep by eight or nine.

Wednesday 30 March 2005 @ 12:04 p.m.

Cursed dogs. 6:00 a.m. I let ’em out, take a leak, then head into my office for email and whatnot.

I shower at about 8:00 and then Jackman, Malcolm and I head to Coffee Bean to grab a box of coffee and pastries/bagels for the meeting. We get back around 9:00 to find Jen fixing up the house/living room for our meeting (fucking champ, that one). ************* and *********** arrive, and they sit down with me and Jackman to talk about what’s going on with the ************ feature. All seems on track, as we’re all on the same page. At about 10:30, ***********, ********** and I head over to the ************ lot.

The meeting goes insanely well, with the women in charge of both ********** and *********** as well the ************ and ***********, the two folks in charge at ************* in attendance. Everyone seems to want this flick to happen. You couldn’t ask for better feedback — even on the subject of me bringing ************* aboard.

*********** and ************ head to the airport from the lot, and I head home. Jen’s been planting, so she’s a bit sweaty and dirty. While she showers, Gail comes up and we go over the schedule for my trip east, mid-west, and north. I fill Jackman in on my morning meeting, and then Jen and I head to Quizno’s for some lunch. Following that, we head to the newspaper stand to grab the
Times
(
NY
and
LA
),
USA Today
, and sundry other papers that headline the Weinstein/Disney split.

We stop by the house so Jen can pick up some dry-cleaning and then head over to the Valley to drop said dry-cleaning off. Afterwards, I drop Jen back at the house and go to pick up Harley from camp. From there, Quinnster and I head to Laser Blazer for this week’s new DVDs (it’s a slim week for new releases). I chitchat with store-owner Ron about the Vulgarthon (he was there for the first half of it), and then Harley and I are off for home.

I hear from Tony Angellotti (my publicist) that both CNN and KTLA ran pieces on the Vulgarthon, and that the
LA Daily News
is running something tomorrow, and that Marilyn Beck’s column is supposed to be running an item about the Craig/UV engagement as well.

Once home, I climb back into my loungin’ gear and hit the board/check email. Half an hour later, it’s dinnertime. Gail cooked a chicken that me, Byron, Jen, Gail and Jackman dig into.

Post-meal, Jackman, Gail and Jen grab smokes on the deck, and I start signing a bunch of
Silent Bob Speaks
that Smalls laid out on the dining room table earlier that day. An hour later, Jackman’s ride to the airport arrives. We say goodbye, and it’s back to the Great White North for Jim.

I lay down and check email/the board while watching TiVo. At a certain point, I start falling asleep mid-post. Jen brings down some Jell-o which we dig into while peeping a
Law & Order
I’ve never seen. At the end of it, I’m already falling asleep. I’m out by nine.

Thursday 31 March 2005 @ 12:04 p.m.

Unholy floor-crawlers start the day at 6:48. Thankfully, I hear Byron at the top of the stairs, so all I’ve gotta do is let the mutts out the bedroom door. I take a leak and hit the board, figuring out when I’m gonna update the blog.

I take my laptop into the bathroom and check email during a good morning shit. I get through a lot of email, but there’s somehow still another hundred left to address in the inbox.

Gail calls to let me know Josh Horowitz is calling to finish up his interview. Josh is writing a book about five young filmmakers, and we’ve already done about two hours on the phone a few weeks ago. This time, we do an hour and change. As he’s great at posing queries and listening, the time flies by.

Jen wakes up as I finish the interview. She goes into the morning ritual of riding the couch while sipping coffee and having her morning smokes, while I update the diary.

We opt for a little Newsroom brunch. I take a shower and we’re off.

Over turkey meatloaf (me) and artichokes (Jen), I ask the wife if she’d be interested in receiving her birthday/our anniversary gift today instead of waiting ‘til next week. Naturally, she opts to get it today, so post-brunch, we head over to Beverly Hills.

I let her take over the wheel to circle Rodeo while I dash into Tiffany to pick up the gift I’d ordered oh, so long ago, yet couldn’t wait another week to bestow. Before it’s wrapped up, my Tiffany rep gives me a peek at the goods. As impressive as the box is, what’s even more stunning is what’s inside the box. What does a fella get the Queen of his world for her thirty-fourth birthday/six-year anniversary? A diamond tiara, of course.

I exit just as Jen’s rounding the corner, and I hop into the driver’s seat. She tears into the package and goes giddy. It’s a nice fit and the design is subtle enough to wear everyday. As much as I was loved four minutes ago, my stock’s somehow taken another jump.

We head home and fuck like stoned test bunnies.

I head over to the exo-house office to do an interview about Alanis and the tenth anniversary of ‘Jagged Little Pill’. It goes really well. Before and post-interview, I rap with Smalls about the ‘Thon.

Back home, I carry the new fireplace screen upstairs. Harley and her friend are in the pool, and Jen’s outside planting and hosing down the deck. I sign up the rest of the
Silent Bob Speaks
books that’re sitting on the dining room table, then head downstairs and get into the loungin’ wear. Smalls comes over to box up the books and get ’em ready to send to Don in Florida.

While I’m laying down checking email and the board, Smalls comes in to schedule an appointment for when I get back from the east coast to talk about a raise. I say fuck the appointment, you got the raise (a roughly fourty-five percent raise at that) and send him on his way.

I talk to Phil (my agent) for awhile and an hour later, I talk to Mos. We’re all trying to come up with a formula for the
Clerks 2
backend that we plan to share with Jeff, Brian and Mewes. During this, I eat some cheese from one of the pizzas Jen’s ordered for the girls.

We watch some TiVo ‘til it’s time for Harley to go to bed (tonight, in Byron and Gail’s room, thank God). We go downstairs and kiss Harley goodnight, then head up to watch a little
Law & Order
. As it ends, Chappy and Gina arrive. I put on my day clothes and head upstairs to the living room for a meeting.

Chappy, Gina and I go over all the post-’Thon data as well as other Stash details. The next two store-run events on the horizon are the
Silent Bob Speaks
book signing and the
Mallrats
tenth Anniversary screening/Q&A to be shot for the
Mallrats
tenth DVD. We opt to make a new shirt-as-ticket for this screening which we’ll be holding in a smaller theater at the Arclight, if all goes well (looking at a 400-seater this time, so get your tix early). We decide to scrap the Kevin Smith InAction exclusive for the
Wizard
World Philly Con, as I’m not gonna make it (we’ll be shooting
Clerks 2
at that point), and move full steam ahead on the San Diego, Chicago and Boston variants.

Bob and Gina head off, and I head downstairs to find Jen and Chay kicking back on the couch. We all chit-chat for a bit, ‘til Chay heads home and I put my loungin’ wear back on. I settle into bed and check some final email/board stuff. Jen joins me and we cuddle up watching some
Simpsons
and eventually fall asleep.

Friday 1 April 2005 @ 12:05 p.m.

6:13. What the fuck possesses these varmints? Byron’s upstairs, so I don’t have to make the morning climb. It’s freezing in the room, so I close the black-out curtains and crank the heat.

Take a leak and head directly to the desk-top to check email and start composing yesterday’s diary. An hour or so later, Jen wakes up insisting I’m trying to roast her alive with the heat.

Harley calls up to the room (intercom system) to tell us there’s a bird loose in the house. We head downstairs to investigate, only to discover we’ve been April Fooled by a five year old. We are filled with shame.

We drop Harley off at camp and head to the Griddle. Post-Griddle, we head home.

I have Gail switch my flight so that I’m not on the afternoon flight or the redeye, but instead, a 7:15 flight the next a.m. which will get me to Red Bank three hours before showtime. This frees me up to lounge with Jenny.