My Boring-Ass Life (Revised Edition): The Uncomfortably Candid Diary of Kevin Smith (58 page)

If you haven’t seen this show yet, throw together a few shekels, set aside a few hours, and get your hands on the DVD box sets. A better use of your time-wasting I can’t imagine. I mean, my affection for this program actually inspired me to go to a fucking panel and sit in the audience like every other fanboy and fangirl, gawking dopily at the cast and crew behind its creation.

The highlight of said panel was a screening of the episode that was running that night — the penultimate chapter in the second part of season two. This was an unexpected delight, as I’d never watched the show with anyone but Jen. Sitting amidst three hundred or so other
B-Star G
enthusiasts and hearing what they responded to was pretty cool.

After the screening, the cast and crew were brought up and interviewed, and I was reminded why I don’t go to panels in the first place: there are no gods behind the stuff (movies, TV, comics) you’re drawn to or love; there are actual people. Some folks came off as arrogant; some folks came off as boring; thankfully, a few realized that, if you’re gonna stand up in front of a crowd, you should try to be funny, or at least entertaining (the Brit contingency especially — the guy who plays Apollo and the guy who plays Baltar — made the sit much easier).
When all was said and done, I’m glad I attended, but in the future, I will limit my enthusiasm for a show to the show itself (and to hours of web-investigation on the subject).

Following the audience-driven portion of the Q&A, Jen and I head for home, pop on our jammies and woobs, and curl up in bed. We briefly contemplate re-watching the TiVo’ed episode of the
B-Star G
we just watched in the theater, but then decide we’ve been geeky enough for one day, and instead fall asleep to a TiVo’ed
Law & Order
episode.

Two Big Anniversaries

Saturday 4 March 2006 @ 8:32 a.m.

Today, I’ll be presenting at the Independent Spirit Awards (broadcast live on IFC at 2 p.m. PST). The last time I was at the Spirit Awards, I not only won Best Screenplay for
Chasing Amy
, but also, the heart (and vag) of one Jennifer Schwalbach. Yes, that Spirit Awards ceremony eight years ago represented my first date with Jen. And what a date it was...

I mean, Jesus — she gave up the pussy later that night.

But, mind you, this wasn’t just any ol’ pussy. This was the pussy that changed my life: the pussy that turned me into a married man and father (and not necessarily in that chronological order, either). This was the pussy that aided and abetted in me falling in love with Jen (although, I could argue that I’d kinda done that when I interviewed with her a month prior).

Shockingly, this’ll be the first time we’ve attended the Spirit Awards since that fateful afternoon. You’d imagine that, based on sentimentality alone, Schwalbach and I would’ve made Spirit Awards attendance an annual thing. And yet, oddly, neither of us have stepped foot in that tent on the beach in Santa Monica in eight years. So today’s being treated as something of an anniversary date (even though, technically, the date of that Spirit Awards/first fuck in ‘98 was March 21st). M’lady and I are getting gussied up (which, for me, means putting on a jacket instead of a shooter), and we’re gonna trip the lights fantastic, waltzing down memory lane, this time hand-in-hand.

And then, post-ceremony, we’re gonna bone our brains out — just like we did eight years ago.

Today marks another anniversary in the Askewniverse as well. Peep this...

Date: Mon, 4 Mar 1996 14:46:16 0500

From: Kevin

To : ming

Subject: Let’s go!

Ming

Call anytime you’d like.

I’d love to hear what you’ve thought about thus far. As for me, I’ve been checking out some other web pages (Film Zone, the Unofficial Kevin Smith home page — which is by some guy who isn’t me, but is named Kevin Smith — and of course yours) and I’m starting to get some ideas:

1) I’d like to have sub-sections about each flick we’ve done so far, with hot-links to other pages already existing.

a) a
Clerks
section, which we can update periodically with any pertinent info — ie, the animated series, the failed sitcom, reception around the world, blah, blah, blah. I’ve got a slew of pix that have never seen print we can put up there, as well as updates of what the cast may be doing or where they can be seen.

b) a
Mallrats
section, with all the same trimmings, including the graphics from the opening of the film (the cool comic book covers). There’s a slew of footage that didn’t make it into the flick, so we can include them as Quicktime movies if you want (people would love that — it’d be the only place to see the lost footage, as the geniuses at MCA are only issuing a standard letterboxed version of the flick on laser disc, without any cool extras).

c) a
Chasing Amy
section — the film we’re toiling on now. We could talk about the production (pre- and post-) include some cast impressions of the flick as it unfolds, show people how it develops (marketing, trailers before they’re in the theatre, etc). We’ll have video dailies of the movie while we’re cutting it (on the AVID system) so we can put up scenes that people can take a look at months before the flick gets into theatres!

We can list festival info as well.

2) I’d like to have a Team Askew section, that talks about the movers and shakers here at View Askew, what they’re doing, which ones are going to be making movies of their own. By being the brains behind this potential website, that makes you a member of the team, as far as I’m concerned, so of course there must be a Ming section.

3) A section where we people can order stuff (signed posters, hats, shirts, etc).

4) A section about the smaller budgeted films we’re producing.

5) A section that we can update weekly that’s all gossip about the industry — not necessarily about what we’re doing, but what the studios are doing. We’re tapped into the system, so we find stuff out long before it sees print (for example, we knew about this George Clooney as Batman thing long before it was reported). I think people would dig that sort of thing. I know I would.

6) And most importantly — once a week, I’d like to do a chat-room thing, where I can get on and answer questions live and stuff like that. We can post chat sessions with people from the casts of the flick, as well as just famous people we know. And we could do it every week. Whether five hundred people show up or only five, I think it’d be neat.

What do you think? I’m sure there’s a shit load more we can and will do. I’d love to hear what you’re planning as well. Call me and let’s go! I’m tres, tres excited — my nipples are hard. Let me know where to send the graphics I have, and if you act now, I’ll send you the original, no studio music, 105 minute cut of
Clerks
that has stuff on it that wasn’t even on the laser disc! Also, I love the way the
Clerks
page starts. Can we start our page with a moving graphic of the clown from our logo, ‘Vulgar’? Maybe I can get Walter to draw new art for it — Vulgar at a terminal or something?

Yours,

Kevin

Ladies and gentlemen, in that document, emailed ten years ago today, lay the origins of
www.viewaskew.com
. A few months later, Ming and I took the site live, and it changed both of our lives forever (and, happily, I would stop using terms like “tres, tres”..

Ming Chen is, oftentimes, the unsung hero of the Askewniverse. Had I never been directed to his
Clerks
shrine site a decade back, you probably wouldn’t be reading this now.
www.viewaskew.com
became the stage from which we grew our audience and met so many of the folks who’ve kept me employed for the last ten years. Without Ming, I wouldn’t have been as in touch with the folks that watch our flicks as I am; and keeping in touch with those folks has made all the difference in not just my career, but my life as well.
www.viewaskew.com
has shaped and defined my life and career in such a way, that Ming has become about as indispensable to me at this point as Scott Mosier or Jason Mewes is; meaning he’s not just a guy I work with, but also a great sounding board and friend.

The websites in the Askewniverse family number many at this point (
www.viewaskew.com
,
www.clerks2.com
,
www.silentbobspeaks.com
,
www.moviepoopshoot.com
,
www.moviesaskew.com
,
www.jayandsilentbob.com
,
www.newsaskew.com
, etc, etc); none of them would’ve existed at all, were it not for Ming Chen.

Take a bow, Asian Design Major.

Sunday 5 March 2006 @ 4:43 p.m.

Having spent the night at Shutters on the Beach in Santa Monica following the Spirit Awards, Jen and I wake up somewhat early and order a mess of room service. This is the second round of room service in ten hours: the previous night, post-Spirits, we briefly hit the after party downstairs, then retired to the bar, where Jen enjoyed some squid and wine, before hitting our room and ordering up a cart-load of crap to down, while watching
Fun With Dick and Jane
(a comedy that seemed to have forgotten to include actual comedy). As we plow through this morning buffet, we click around the channels on TV and find IFC repeating the uncut Spirit Award broadcast. I’m able to check out my Best Director presentation and finally clarify for the wife whether I said of host Sara Silverman “Finally, there’s a host I’d wanna fuck” or “Finally, there’s a host you’d wanna fuck” (the not-so-subtle distinction puts to rest a near-fight from the night before). My name cleared, Jen and I get into some rare, post-meal morning sex (she usually doesn’t like to fuck ‘til after two in the afternoon), then pack up all the swag I got as a Spirit Award presenter (two suitcases literally full of stuff, including a video iPod), load into the car, and head home.

Since we live a mere two blocks up from the Kodak Center (home of the scheduled-for-today Academy Awards ceremony), we take an alternate route back to the house, careful to avoid La Brea and Franklin altogether. We chill with Harley for most of the day. I check email and the board and find some pretty good notices about the Spirit Awards press.

Around three-ish, Harley and I make a pre-Oscars junk food run, stopping at Baja Fresh and Ralph’s. Back home, Pinto bean-covered nachos and Snyder’s peanut butter pretzel sandwiches in hand, I sack out with the wife and kid and watch yet another disappointing Oscar telecast, that culminates with the best picture of the year (in my opinion, at least) not winning Best Picture of the Year. Both of us tuckered out from our early rise, Jen and I fall asleep to a
News Radio
season three DVD.

I’d rather spend the night in the Four Seasons

Monday 13 March 2006 @ 10:51 a.m.

I love the picture of Paris Hilton accidentally exposing herself. It represents the realization of Warhol’s “In the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes” prediction. I mean, even though she comes from wealth, this woman’s celebrity is based on stuff like “accidentally” showing off her gash, or having sex on camera.

There’s an entire industry full of the distaff who do the exact same thing on a daily basis, and aside from the biggest of them (like a Jenna Jameson), their names aren’t nearly as well known as this vapid dork’s. And really — what has she done that’s any different than what Racquel Darrian or Tori Welles have been doing for years (and done more convincingly)?

This is the new pornography: naked famous people. And this isn’t just Sharon Stone airing-out her labia in an interrogation room; it’s a movement that’s based on watching famous people fuck. People like Colin Farrell. People like Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee. But at least those cats did something else for a living before their nookie went public;
this
chick never did anything beyond being born into wealth with a surname that used to mean something. Then, she had sex and sucked a little dick (well, a little
big
dick, really) on camera, and suddenly, she became something of a household name.

Warhol was right, man. If you can get world-renowned for doing something anyone can do, the bar has been dropped substantially. Hell, the bar doesn’t even
exist
any more.

So based on that, I say let’s make any and all of these people famous...

Naked ladies and dudes (at
http://pichunter.com
)

I mean, really? What’s the difference? At least these folks can probably
use
the cash that comes with fame.

Let’s give it up for the random chick with the grossly oversized labia; at least her shit’s a little different than most. Or the guy with the thick-as-a-coke-can cock; he stands apart. Or the lady (or man) who can stuff two dicks in one hole; they’re going where even angels fear to tread. But giving it up for a mannequin who plays peek-a-boo on the red carpet and offers only a lackadaisical fucking on night-vision video? That’s like celebrating the person who walks in the NY marathon when everyone else is running: sure, they’re
in
the race; but everyone else is doing such a better job than they are.

Championing mediocrity has replaced baseball as the national pastime.

And thank God, I say — otherwise I might not have a career.

The Middle East

Tuesday 14 March 2006 @ 10:08 a.m.

In reading
Time
this week, I’ve come to the conclusion that I never want to go to the Middle East. I don’t think they’d really care for my particular brand of whimsy over there.

The region is so fucking volatile, it seems like the crazy dude on the subway you just don’t want to sit near. At all. And yet, said crazy dude needs to be watched by a transit cop — lest he start getting all crazy violent on folks in the other cars. At the end of the day, the crazy dude needs to be policed, to keep him from hurting people. I’m just sorry our troops are the transit cops in question.