My Boring-Ass Life (Revised Edition): The Uncomfortably Candid Diary of Kevin Smith (80 page)

Track: ‘Among the Living’, Artist: Anthrax, Album:
The Greater of Two Evils

I used this version of the venerable late eighties metal classic in the very first online trailer we put up for
Clerks II
, and man, did it bring all the Anthrax fans out of the woodwork. Most folks were just happy to hear the track again, but some were miffed that I went with this re-recording instead of the original version from the album of the same name. There’s no denying the raw power of the OG ‘Among’, but this stripped down, starker take on the same material is now my all-time-fave Anthrax song. And even though the cover was recorded recently, listening to it immediately takes me back to Highlands, New Jersey, circa ‘89, when I first started hanging out with Walt Flanagan. During the ride home from many a game of tennis court street hockey, Walt would extol the virtues of the ‘Thrax because, as he said at the time, “They do songs about Judge Dredd and
The Stand
.” Later in life, I’d come to identify with Anthrax professionally, as well: in our respective work, we both name-check somewhat geeky stuff that appeals to us, neither of us have ever been embraced by the mainstream, and we’ve both got small but insanely loyal audiences. But I’ll never do anything nearly as cool as this song.

Track: ‘Easter’, Artist: Bill Hicks, Album:
Rant in E Minor

A very short, but very funny piece of comedic insight from a very big genius who left us very early. If you’ve never heard any Bill Hicks material, shame on you: start here, with this excerpt from one of his shows. His accent on the line “That’s the story of Jesus...” is worth the price of admission alone.

Track: ‘Living in Sin’, Artist: Bon Jovi, Album:
New Jersey

Some folks may feel like I’ve tossed my street cred by ranking Bill Hicks and Bon Jovi in the same playlist, but fuck ’em. I’m from Jersey; what do you expect? Besides — anyone who denies ever enjoying any Bon Jovi track is lying to you. It was a tough call, picking just one Bon Jovi track instead of twelve; and the temptation was there to go with one of the bigger, stadium-rock anthems like ‘Wanted Dead or Alive’ (because, I’ve seen a million faces, and I like to think I rocked ’em all, too). But for repeated plays, I lean toward the more ballad-y Jon Bon, and more than ‘Never Say Goodbye’ and ‘I’ll Be There for You’ (which will forever represent the prom song genre to me), I dig this track. Fuck you — it’s sexy, man. This song makes me want to get into some heavy teenage petting. But, y’know — with my wife, not an actual teenager; sex with an actual teenager would be illegal, and as much as I love the Jov, I ain’t doing time for any former hair-band.

Track: ‘Rosalita’, Artist: Bruce Springsteen, Album:
The Wild, The Innocent, and the E. Street Shuffle

As picking a best Bruce Springsteen song is impossible, I opted to go with the Bruce-penned tune that boasts my favorite Springsteen lyric, about being stuck in the mud in the swamps of Jersey. A few years back, I was emceeing a post-9/11 concert at the Count Basie Theater in Red Bank, N.J. that was to benefit the families in Monmouth County who’d lost loved ones when the Towers fell. Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora performed, as well as a host of other Jersey-based acts. Naturally, the night culminated with a set from The Boss himself. However, after introducing all the acts, a Comcast exec who donated a substantial amount of cash wound up doing the Bruce intro, bringing him to the stage with “And now, a man who needs no introduction.” So Bruce and most of the E. Street Band take to the stage to thunderous applause, and I’m watching from the wings as the man plugs his guitar in. He then says into the microphone “Where’s the emcee? If we’re gonna do this, let’s do it right.” He waves my giddy ass back out onstage and I get to intro a living legend to a packed house in my hometown. That night, Bruce Springsteen took a longtime fan and turned him into a Secret Service Agent: from that moment forward, I would take a bullet for The Boss.

Track: ‘Diarrhea Moustache’, Artist: David Cross, Album:
Shut up, You Fucking Baby

While the faux title of this track is giggle-inducing enough, it’s a bait-and-switch: David Cross likes to mislabel all of his tracks. Instead of diarrhea moustaches, we’re treated to a spellbinding and hysterical anecdote about a night when Cross got so plastered, he could barely communicate. With
Shut Up
, Cross has released the best comedy album of the last five years, bar none. If your idea of funny is Dane Cook, this may not be your brand of whimsy; but if you like nasty, frank, and bitchy laughs, get nailed to this Cross.

Track: ‘Ain’t My Type of Hype’, Artist: Full Force, Album:
Still Standing, Pt. 1

If you’ve ever seen
House Party
, you’ve seen Full Force: they play the bullies trying to flatten Kid’s high-top fade through most of the flick. And as if they didn’t do enough for
House Party
, they also produced this track, heard in the thick of the titular house party in question. This song not only makes me want to dance like Kid ‘n Play, it makes me want to be black.

Track: ‘Laid’, Artist: James, Album:
Laid

A couple years back, while I was crashing at the Hard Rock Casino in Vegas, working on the
Clerks II
script during the day and playing blackjack at night, my wife took me for a ride to the Little White Chapel, where I was surprised to discover around twenty of our closest friends and relatives (including our daughter, Harley) waiting to watch me and Jen get re-married. Since we’d more or less eloped years before, this was our nearest-and-dearest’s chance to watch us tie the same knot they missed us tying the first time. ‘Laid’ was the track Jen chose to walk down the aisle to (don’t ask) and whenever I hear it, I remember how beautiful she looked that day. And because of that, this song always gives me a boner.

Track: ‘Fuck and Run’, Artist: Liz Phair, Album:
Exile in Guyville

Is it easier to look at Liz Phair or listen to her sing? Especially when it comes to this song? This song really appeals to fat guys everywhere, because it makes us believe there are girls out there who might, sooner or later, give up on the trim dudes who’re distant and treat them like shit. Liz Phair wants a boyfriend? I know a legion of lunchboxes who’d give her what she’s asking for: all that stupid old shit — like letters and sodas.

Track: ‘The Planet is Fine’, Artist: George Carlin, Album:
Jammin’ in New York

Carlin may very well be the smartest person I’ve ever met. This track illustrates why. Listen to the intensity and focus of this performance — not to mention the masterful use of language: it’s like watching the world’s best cancer surgeon at work... but way funnier.

Track: ‘Straight Outta Compton’, Artist: NWA, Album:
Straight Outta Compton

Jesus, do these guys need a hug...

Track: ‘The Morning Papers’, Artist: Prince, Album:
The Love Symbol Album

If you’ve ever seen
An Evening With Kevin Smith
, you know I’ve got some history with His Royal Badness. Regardless, it’s never interfered with my appreciation for the man’s musical genius. I came of age in the Prince era, and his albums have made up a good portion of the soundtrack to my life. This track will always take me back to post-production on the original
Clerks
, when I was editing the flick in the video store featured in the flick, and my long-time girlfriend was graduating from college and dumping my fat ass. Needless to say, I was devastated. But had I known that, in six months, my life was gonna change irrevocably (thanks to the Sundance Film Festival), maybe I wouldn’t have burned through two copies of
The Love Symbol Album
listening to this track over and over.

Track: ‘Welcome to the Terrordome’, Artist: Public Enemy, Album:
20th Century Masters – The Best of P.E.

What I’ve always loved about this track is how it has a ticking-clock feel to it. There’s such a sense of urgency to the lyrics and music. You ready to be moved, both emotionally and physically? Then here’s your ticket. Hear the drummer get wicked.

Track: ‘My Philosophy’, Artist: Boogie Down Productions, Album:
By All Means Necessary

If you get a stiff one for wordplay and language, a KRS One track is like porn. This opening track from the album that immediately followed the untimely death of DJ, Scott La Rock, signaled a new maturity in the work that Boogie Down Productions would, from this record forward, be forever known for: deft (and def) socially-conscious hip-hop that was more poetic than what was being offered up by their contemporaries. This is when rap went from “Throw your hands in the air, and wave ’em like you just don’t care” to something more political and, therefore, powerful.

Track: ‘Here We Go (Live at the Funhouse)’, Artist: Run DMC, Album:
Run DMC

The greatest rappers of all time, bar none. Far less lyrically complicated than almost any rap act who’d follow in their footsteps, Run DMC still stand as the Kings of Rock because they invented the blueprint and took hip hop to a whole new audience: suburban white kids. But their historical significance aside, Run DMC (and the late Jam Master Jay) knew how to get you on your feet, and this track is no exception in that department. If you’re not at least doing a subtle sway by the time Run gets to “If you say you heard my rhyme, we’re gonna have to fight — ‘cause I just made the motherfucker up last night”, then you’ve got no soul.

Track: ‘The Last Day of Our Acquaintance’, Artist: Sinead O’Connor, Album:
So Far... The Best of Sinead O’Connor

One of the saddest songs ever penned by one of the baldest chicks to ever shred a picture of a Pope on national television.

Track: ‘Sail On’, Artist: The Commodores, Album:
Anthology

Obviously, I love break-up songs (‘The Last Day of Our Acquaintance’, ‘Unsent’, ‘Fuck and Run’). This track is a stand-out on that list because there’s an undercurrent of hope running through it: yes, the author is saddened by the end of the relationship, but he’s also mustered enough pride to get off a few parting shots in the process. Next time someone’s dumping you, rock ’em with a little “I gave you my heart, and I tried to make you happy. And you gave me nothing in return.” Just don’t sing it or you’ll confirm that you’re a dickhead in serious need of dumping.

Track: ‘Ghost Story’, Artist: Sting, Album:
Brand New Day

This is one of my favorite sad songs of all time because I’m a total sucker for songs about regret. And people can blast me all they want, but Sting is one of the best lyricists of all time: whether he was with The Police or solo, it’s hard to deny the man knows how to craft a metaphor — which, considering he used to be an English teacher, makes sense.

Track: ‘Da’ Mystery of Chessboxin’’, Artist: Wu-Tang Clan, Album:
Legend of the Wu-Tang — Wu-Tang’s Greatest Hits

A good rap track that’s elevated to classic status by virtue of ODB’s verses alone. Rappinin’ is, indeed, what’s happenin’.

Track: ‘Once in a Lifetime’, Artist: Talking Heads, Album:
Stop Making Sense

Stop Making Sense
was the first album I ever bought with my own cash at Jack’s Music Shoppe in Red Bank — the primary purchase point for my early career in music consumerism. There was this woman who used to work behind the counter who must’ve been in her late, late forties/early fifties. What was especially noteworthy about her was how into metal she came across: the woman was forever sporting a Sabbath or Maiden sleeveless t-shirt, long hair, and a pentagram necklace. She was dubbed The Metal Lady. I never got the full story on what her deal was, but I’ll always remember her because she reluctantly sold me
Stop Making Sense
, insisting I pick up
Shout at the Devil
instead. Years later, I’d purchase a W.A.S.P. cassette from her, and get zero argument.

Track: ‘Pictures of You’, Artist: The Cure, Album:
Disintegration

The mother of all sad songs. It’s just stinking with regret. Kyle Broflovski was right:
Disintegration
is the best album ever.

Track: ‘Freak Me’, Artist: Silk, Album:
Lose Control

The only thing sad about this song is how much I love it (but an even bigger fan would be Jason Mewes: he once listened to this track, in-flight, on a constant loop en route from New Jersey to Los Angeles). The song screams sex, but when I tried to introduce it into one of our boudoir sessions, my wife broke into a laughing fit so disruptive, we didn’t wind up fucking. At least, I think it was the song she was laughing at.

Track: ‘Tom Traubert’s Blues’, Artist: Tom Waites, Album:
Small Change

Another sad song. What a shock. I’ve always wanted to hear Alanis Morissette cover this song. I’ve also always wanted to sport a man-sized cock. Something tells me I’ve got a better shot at the former than the latter.

So... I showed you mine. Now you can show me yours. Lemme see ’em, folks: put together your Celebrity Playlist and let me know who you really are. Ten
songs apiece sounds about right. Have at it.

Ladies? Are you looking for Mr. Right?

Thursday 30 November 2006 @ 1:53 p.m.

Gals, do you live in or near LA? Are you looking for submissive, easily bossed-around boys to be your love slaves, with the small price being that you’ll have to put up with ’em screeching “EXCELSIOR!” and “SNIKT!!!” all the time (not to mention that you’ll probably have to teach ’em how to eat pussy)?

Then you need to get your man-hunting asses over to UCLA this Saturday night at 7 p.m., for the ultimate Sausage Party. Unsullied cocks will abound at this special, one-time only event!