My Boring-Ass Life (Revised Edition): The Uncomfortably Candid Diary of Kevin Smith (86 page)

I made plans to get him the script before he went off on a press tour, then waited for a reaction.

And waited.

And waited.

Thus began the most tumultuous and agonizing summer of my adult life.
Knocked Up
opened huge and kept earning, turning the stock room worker from
40 Year Old Virgin
into a massive movie star. And movie stars don’t do my flicks unless I knew them before they were movie stars. Add to all this the fact that he was the writer of a forthcoming flick that was enjoying huge advance buzz as well — which means this was suddenly a man who could not only get cast in anything, but could write it himself. Like I’d said in the email to him: he could generate his own material. A guy who could do that didn’t need me, or my script. Maybe the nice things he wrote in his email evaporated the moment he enjoyed his breakout success. The dude had something akin to a movie biz Bar Mitzvah; but he wasn’t just a man now — he was THE man.

Then, word came back from his agent and manager that THE man read the script while abroad. Arrangements were made to meet upon his return to the States.

July 6th, Seth came over to my house. I barbecued him some steaks, and
we sat around bullshitting about movies, comics, video games and a bunch of other shit. As much as I’d liked him in
Virgin
I now liked him even more. He was laid back like Mosier. He was geeky like me.

And he loved the script.

The plan had been to shoot in January, but we talked about maybe going in November instead, getting the flick done by Christmas. It was all, ostensibly, a go.

Then, a week later, the brakes were suddenly applied big time. Word came back from his agent and manager that we needed to slow down. Seth had other offers to consider, but more importantly, the dude was exhausted. He’d gone from
Knocked Up
to
Superbad
to
Pineapple Express
to
Knocked Up
whirlwind press tours both here and internationally, to a new, just announced gig writing and starring in
The Green Hornet
. He was looking for a break.

So on July 18th, I wrote him again...

Hey,

Word is you might wanna/need to wait to do
Zack and Miri
‘til after the first of the year. If that’s the case, sir, then don’t sweat it. I know you got a bunch of stuff going on at the moment with
Superbad
opening and
Pineapple Express
in post, as well as
Green Hornet
now (congrats on that, by the way). It would’ve been nice to shoot in the fall, but if you doing the flick means waiting ‘til January, then I’m willing to wait. I mean, I want you to be in it, obviously; I wrote it for you.

But here’s the thing: I don’t wanna be the nut-biter that’s adding more shit to your to-do list, but if we can at least talk notes in the near future, that’d be nice to get out of the way. I keep hearing you’ve got thoughts/notes on the script, so naturally, since I’ve got time on my hands, I’d wanna address said notes sooner rather than later. If it’s a case of, “I’m gonna wanna ad-lib and pitch jokes/alts while we shoot,” then no worries — I’m all for it. If it’s a case of, “There are story changes I wanna make,” then that’s something I’d rather know now, so I can either get back to work on the script or be like, “You’re out of your fucking mind, you Canuck Fuck.”

So when you’ve got time to go over it (either on the phone, over email, or in person), give a bitch a shout and let him know. With the exception of Comic-Con weekend and the first week of August, I’ll be here in town. Waiting. Like a school-girl.

Twenty minutes later, he responded...

Dude, thank you so much for understanding. It means a lot. The fact of the matter is that I’m just naturally very lazy and the concept of shooting another movie before the new year gives me cold sweats. When we make your movie, I want to be raring to go. Right now I’m not raring to go anywhere but the couch. The notion of making a movie with one of my heroes when I’m in a headspace where I’m anything less than shitting a brick every second of shooting because of how psyched I am doesn’t seem right. I think right now, I’m just too worn out to be in that headspace. But not for long... Honestly, making a movie with you is a dream of mine.

I’ll read the script again asap and give you some thoughts. Nothing major. Just an idea for a new take here or there, but again, seriously, its one of the funniest things I’ve ever read.

At that point, we moved our start back to January and waited. Then, all was quiet for about two months, during which time, I was biting my nails, piss-scared this dude was gonna wake up and be like, “Motherfuck a
Clerks
guy. I’m too huge for his bullshit now.”

I distracted myself by eating a lot and gained a shit-ton of weight. I also preoccupied myself writing
Red State
— which was weird because it’s about as far from
Zack and Miri
as you can get. I ran into Seth again down at the San Diego Comic-Con, and saw him briefly at the
Superbad
premiere — during which time I never hassled him about
Zack and Miri
. I forced myself to stop sweating the situation: dude said he dug the script and wanted to do it. If it doesn’t come to pass, it wasn’t meant to be. If something better comes along and he opts to do that flick instead, at least I knew he liked what I wrote and, even for a moment, considered being in it.

Then, shortly after the San Diego Comic-Con, we got word that Rosario Dawson (who I’d been championing as the Miri in
Zack and Miri
) took a gig in the new Spielberg-produced, Shia LaBeouf flick. I was about ready to put a gun in my mouth.

On August 8th, Scott, Carla and I started looking to see what actresses were gonna be available in January. With the strike looming, actors and actresses were booking their fall/winter schedules like crazy. Folks started suggesting we do a list of available actors as well, in case Rogen found something else he wanted to do that was gonna be more high profile/pay him more, but I refused. Even though there was no forward momentum on making an official deal with Seth, I had to take the man at his word: he said he wanted to do our flick. Until he said otherwise, I refused to consider anyone for Zack but the guy for whom I wrote it.

Carla pulled together a list of around a hundred actress names. Alphabetically, Elizabeth Banks was at the top of the UTA list. Having dug her in
Invincible
and
Virgin
, I put her into my top five choices. Carla told me her agent had called because she’d specifically asked about
Zack and Miri
. That made me like her even more.

Then, another potential blow came by way of Ain’t It Cool News, when they erroneously reported that Jason Bateman was being considered for Zack. I started to panic: what if Seth saw that and was like, “Fuck Fat Smith for looking elsewhere.”

But this never came to pass, because in early September, after a long summer of feeling like Andi waiting for Blaine to ask her to the prom, Seth came over to the house again, at which point we ate pizza and talked about his notes on the script. He had exactly one, and it was a good suggestion. The fear that he was gonna ask me to wait ‘til after he did
Green Hornet
was allayed when he said he didn’t wanna try to make that flick pre-strike. We went over the potential Miris and he went nuts for Banks, telling me that she was really funny and a quick ad-libber. We both agreed she was the perfect Miri.

After that meeting, on September 19th, four months after I first emailed The Man Who Would Be Zack, Weinstein Co. submitted the official offer to Seth’s agent and manager. Negotiations were begun in earnest, during which time, we started auditioning folks for the other roles, with Seth reading opposite them. I met with Elizabeth up at the house and instantly fell in love with her sense of humor (and modest romantic history). She’d read the script and loved it, so Weinstein Co. started her negotiations, too.

On October 31st, while I was trick-or-treating with my kid, I got the phone call that Seth’s deal had been officially closed. I was thirty pounds heavier than when I’d started this journey, but all the stress-eating was worth it. I can lose weight; I couldn’t lose Rogen.

A few days before November 16th, the Weinstein Co. was able to close Elizabeth’s deal as well, so the press release could reveal who both Zack and Miri were gonna be.

On November 25th, I head out to Pittsburgh for good, as we prep for our January 16th start of principal photography on my eighth film, starring Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks.

Very seldom does a situation work out exactly the way you’d like it to. Very seldom do all your dreams come true. I’ve led a pretty charmed life for which
I’m thankful every day. I’m convinced I’ve been as lucky as I’ve been, both professionally and personally, because I’m gonna die young. As long as that early demise doesn’t happen before we put
Zack and Miri Make a Porno
into the world (and
Red State
after it), I got no beef (and when I say “I got no beef”, I don’t mean “I don’t care if I die young,” I mean my dick’s small; naturally, I’d be pretty pissed if I don’t get to see my kid grow up because I’m dead).

I owe a great deal of thanks to many people, before we roll a frame of film.

Thanks, Jen — for putting up with five months of me laying on the bed, in a near-fetal position, moaning “If Seth Rogen doesn’t do this flick, I’m gonna make a real porno.”

Thanks, Marsha and Blair — for not insisting that your client aim higher.

Thanks, Mos, Carla, and Phil — for never losing faith and staying on top of this from day one.

Thanks, Harvey and Bob — for stepping up and giving us 25 mil to make this flick.

Thanks, Elizabeth — for being Miri.

Thanks, Seth — for reminding me that sometimes in this business, people say what they mean and mean what they say. You could’ve done anything you wanted, and you wanted to do this flick; I’ll be forever grateful for that.

And lastly, Thank God — we’re finally making
Zack and Miri
.

Making Porno, Pt. 1: Foreplay

Thursday January 10 2008 @ 10:36 a.m.

Tuesday was day one of rehearsals, and lemme tell ya: it was pretty awesome, hearing Zack and Miri come to life for the first time. Rogen and Banks are genius together (and apart — which, in the flick, is extremely rare): hilarious and rather sweet and touching when called for. The roles fit them like gloves. Shit, better than gloves: the roles fit them like condoms. Like custom-made condoms, even.

Yesterday was two of rehearsals — a term I use loosely, since it’s more of a read-through than anything else. This time, all the leads but two were present. So while I read every other role but Zack and Miri on Tuesday, four more people joined us yesterday, assuming their characters for the first time. And it sounds great; just fucking tremendous. We could’ve put it on wax — if folks’ idea of wax was seven people sitting around a hotel room reading a script aloud. But if we were doing a radio play? It would’ve been air-worthy. We’d have gotten multiple FCC fines for the content, but performance-wise? Totally air-worthy.

Today, we do camera tests (throw the actors into a bunch of their wardrobe/hair “looks” and shoot ’em under a few different lighting schemes) then a nearly full cast read-through (nearly-full since a new baby is, understandably, keeping one of the leads from making it out for the rehearsal/read-throughs). Tuesday, we’ll start doing some location(s) rehearsing, blocking some stuff out in advance of our Wednesday start of principal photography. Back in the day, that’d make me nervous as fuck. One day of on-location rehearsal? I’d be nauseous at the thought. Now? It’s a different world.

I used to be a real rehearsal Nazi: insisting on at least three weeks of three to four hour days. Over the last few years, though — either based on time restrictions, more faith in the performers, or simply the experience that comes with doing a job for fifteen years now — I’ve learned to lighten up and do more on-set tweaking than anything else. Took awhile to reach that conclusion, though.

— On
Clerks
, we rehearsed in Quick Stop, every night for three weeks straight. None of us had ever made a movie before, and we didn’t have the cash to blow on multiple takes, so it felt like getting the performances and blocking (such as it was, considering Jeff and Brian were simply parked behind the counter most of the flick) as close to perfection made the most sense. We rehearsed
Clerks
like it was a play, really — so much so that by the last week of rehearsal, we weren’t just running scenes — we were doing the whole flick in sequence, minus the cat. The process just seemed to make sense, and because of it, when it came time to shoot, we rarely had to do more than two takes of any given scene. In fact, most of the time, we’d do one take and move on.

— On
Mallrats
, we did at least two weeks of rehearsal, starting in a hotel room and moving it to the actual mall to rehearse the scenes on their feet at their eventual locations. Since I’d only made one movie prior, I decided to stick with the rehearsal process that worked the first time — especially since, like on
Clerks
, we had a lead who’d never acted before; so scene drills and repetition felt necessary. One of the biggest differences was that we didn’t rehearse at eleven o’clock at night. Unlike our
Clerks
cast, the
Mallrats
cast didn’t have day jobs/weren’t doing the flick as a lark; these people were professional actors, paid to be in a movie. And since we were stranded in Eden Prairie, I guess they figured rehearsing beat sitting around their hotel rooms ‘til the start of principal photography. We also had the luxury of time on our
side, because (with the exception of Doherty) none of the cast was that famous or in-demand. Shannon, who’d just gotten the boot from
90210
, had the time to devote to rehearsals, too. She seemed to like it, even. Everyone did, really. We bonded, laughed, and kinda taught each other our jobs. And out of all that rehearsal time, the Jason Lee style was born.