My Boyfriend is a Monster (6 page)

Suddenly the hoodie goes limp as the hanger snapped back sending it shooting through the
air. Soaring overhead it cleared the entire room and hit the far wall.

“Holy shit,” she bell
owed out loud then quickly slapped her hands over her mouth.

Falling on to the dresser it knocks over the round cologne bottle with a little echoing clang. Rolling along the dresser to the edge and despite her low whispering prayers the cologne decides to jump anyways. Dropping from the top of the dresser onto the pile of clothes on the chair it rolls off of them and on to a shoe box on the floor. The box was already teetering on a spray can (of what she wasn’t sure). Running down the shoe box and about to roll off onto the floor where it would have come to a stop suddenly catapulted into the air (the clothes on the antique chair came tumbling down landing on the opposite side that was sticking up and caused a teeter totter effect). Flying across to the other side of the room hitting the wall just above him the cologne bottle dropped, hitting him squarely on top of his head.

“Shut the front door,” she gasped in total amazement.

Shooting up from the pillow immediately she could already smell the over powering smell of spilt cologne. “What the hell is going on?” he yelled more instinctively than he did with any type of awareness.  His brown hair was ruffled and the static caused it to stick out in all directions. He looked at her dumbfounded. “Qué estás hacienda?” he asked. Widening his eyes and wondering why his head hurt. And why the bed smelled like his cologne. “Lily!” he yelled seeing her run out of the room. The Spanish from the bedroom just got louder and more violent as Martin was yelling how upset he was that Lily and Todd promised him he could sleep in today.

Lowering her hands and slowly walking towards the kitchen like a criminal trying to mix in with civilians she saw Todd reading his tablet. He took a sip of horrible instant coffee while peeking up and giving her a look, but she quickly assured him, “Nothing . . . a bottle just fell off the dresser.”

“It couldn’t wait honey?”

Wrestling to do up her pants and not sparing any grunts or moans she replied. “Not if you want to go in to work with someone wearing clothes.”

“Found it did you,” Todd said seeing the green hoodie he keeps trying to steal.

“I did - thank you very much.”

Looking down the hall listening to Martin still yelling he smirked. “My little jalapeno can get so angry some mornings.”

“Well it is five thirty and I did just drop a bottle of cologne on his head,” she said remembering. Finding a new found enthusiasm she began to share her incredible story. “You should have seen it -”

“Pulled the sweater off the hanger, hanger went flying and knocked cologne bottle off dresser and against all odds a series of events occurred sending the cologne across the room and it dropped on his head.”

Standing amazed and confused Lily thought for a moment. “How the hell did you know that?”

“I’m like a big gay Oracle,” Todd said. Then with his tablet still in his hand he folded his hands over his head to a point and bobbed his head around like it was floating underneath.

Lily frowned. “You were standing in the hall.”

Putting the tablet down with a big smile he gestured with his hand, “Like right behind you. Honey I nearly pissed my pants,” he said with a snort.

Then from behind her the voice that neither of them wanted to hear spoke. “So why am I up at five thirty in the A.M,” Martin stated more than asked while wiping cologne from his hair.

“What are you doing up sweetheart?” he asked signaling Lily to get a move on.

“Because of the Lily, that’s why I am up at five thirty in the A.M,” Martin said ignoring Todd and finding new places to wipe.

Running down the hall she scrambled for her shoes while Todd put his coffee cup in the sink and turned off his tablet. Slipping it into his carry all he turned to Martin as if nothing was wrong. “Well go back to sleep silly, it’s your day off,” he said calmly but looking for the keys frantically.

“Sé, sé que es mi día libre,” Martin said explaining he knew this was his day off and this was why he was so upset.

“Well go relax, watch some T.V or something,” he said finding the keys and giving a little thank you shout out to the man upstairs. Giving Martin a quick kiss on the cheek as he stood there furious Todd pushed it one more time. “Hey, you smell great,” he said then ran to the door squeezing past Lily who was still fighting to get her other shoe on. “Hurry up you slow ass bitch,” he said practically done.

“I’m trying.”

“Well try harder, unless you want to end up in his breakfast churro,” Todd said heading out the door.

Laughing their asses off they made it down the elevator and out onto the street of a nearly empty morning in the city.

“Oh my God was he mad,” she said helping him keep his balance.

“Mad? Honey he was pissed, oh my stomach hurts,” he said continuing to laugh. Then he suddenly stopped. “Let’s get a coffee.”

“Ah, were going to open
, your coffee shop right now,” she said putting a heavy emphasis on “your”.

“But it’s like . . . fifty blocks away.”

“It’s twelve,” she corrected accurately.

Jumping up and down he started to whine. “Please Lily. We’ll call it competition research . . . please, please, please.”

“Okay,” she laughed as they started to make their way down the street.

“You’re much more fun than that grouchy Latino,” he sang grabbing her arm and starting to skip.

“I hope he wasn’t too mad,” she said starting to feel a little anxiety.

Noticing it he stopped them. “What’s wrong girl?” he asked looking her over. She just shook her head and started to laugh but Todd could see it in her eyes. “If you think we would ever . . . ever and honey I mean ever! Kick you out I am insulted.”

“I know, it’s just you both had to change your entire lives for me and he was so mad this morning . . . I guess I’m kinda freaking out a little,” she said trying to be honest.

“What!” he snapped. “Uh-un, no fucking way bitch,” he said waving his finger in one hand and calling out on his phone on the other.

“What are you doing?” she said trying to look at who he was calling. “No don’t call him.”

His finger stopped waving and stood straight at attention telling her to be quite. “Yes, Martin honey, I know what time it is, yes, yes I know, yes . . . will you shut the fuck up,” he demanded into the phone.

Shaking her head she spun around embarrassed and afraid she just started a fight.

Todd continued on the phone, “Now Lily is down here as scared as a little mouse because she thinks because you got all mad that we might kick her out.”

She pleaded again, “Please I didn’t want to start -”

Todd raised his finger again. “Yes, yes I know, she is right here,” he said and held out his phone to Lily, who just shook her head
too afraid to take it. “He ain’t gonna bite.”

Taking the phone she slowly raised it to her ear and said nonchalantly, “Hello.” She listened. “Yes, no I didn’t . . . I just know how much of an inconvenience I am, no, I’m sorry. No Martin, okay . . . I’m not an inconvenience . . . and you will never kick me out. No more thoughts like that, I promise,” she said smiling and handing the phone back.

Todd took the phone and pointed at her then to the phone. “Yes, I love you too, now go and enjoy your day off, what the hell are you even doing up?” he said quickly ending the call with his mouth wide open. “Oh, if he wasn’t mad before.” The phone started to ring and vibrate as they both laughed horrifyingly. “Yeah, we’ll just let that go to the answering machine,” he said silencing his phone and putting it back in his pocket.

Continuing to walk down the street looking for a coffee shop that was open this early was beginning to look doubtful. “I don’t think we are going to find a coffee shop that’s open yet Hooker,” he said looking at how baron the streets were.

“I think your right Pimp,” she agreed.

The air was still cool in the air but the warmth of the sun waking up unencumbered by clouds started to make it almost unnoticeable. Still on the lookout as they wandered down the empty morning streets that usually included Martin who would never allow getting a coffee from anywhere else their hopes were starting to diminish. Passing them in delivery trucks and cars the streets were beginning to fill with early commuters but the sidewalks were still devoid of heavy traffic that didn’t need any weaving or bumping just to navigate. It was pure bliss unlike the anarchy that would descend upon the streets in an hour or so where human traffic jams would become the norm. Walking they approached a cross walk that suddenly held out its red lit hand.

“Should we?” she asked deviously.

He opted to wait for the light to change. “No way honey, that would be the time a cop would come around the corner, and then proceed to make me the victim of a hate crime.”

“How would he even know you were gay?”

Dramatically he held out his arms presenting himself while widening his eyes as he twirled and curtsied. Not being sure if it was his bright shirt and tight black pants or his rainbow tinted sunglasses or his spikey hair, or maybe it was his ultra-chic carry all but he was right,
a blind man could guess he was gay
, she thought nodding.

“Thank you.”

“There isn’t even a car coming.”

“No.”

“But -”

“What is your hurry girl?”

“I don’t know, I guess because its saying no makes we want to go.”

Staring at her for a moment the light finally changed and he gave her a look to get moving. “No makes me want to go,” he repeated sarcastically. “Impatient Dr.
Seuss mother fucker,” he mumbled as they crossed. Reaching the other side he decided to make sure they were both on the same page, “So you get that you are staying with us for a while right?”

“Yeah,” she drew out like a child as she squinted to see if a Dunkin’s was open across the street. She looked at him pointing. “Hey-”

“Oh hell no,” he quickly dispelled.

But-”

“I repeats – Hells to the No.”

Shaking her head she thought this would be the only place open this early before they got to the store he owned
, where they could have all the coffee they wanted, for free. 

“I mean, until you meet a guy and get married – but I still think the two of you should stay with me and Mar
tin,” he said starting to laugh. “At least until you save up enough to buy your own place.” They both stopped and started to laugh. “No sense just running out there and renting when you have a perfectly good home at Mom and Dad’s.”

“You’re the Mom right.”

“Hello,” he said smiling as pretty as he could.

“Thank you Mommy,” she said resting her head on his shoulder.

“Hey, when we picked you up from your old. . .” he said drawing out the old, “Apartment, I promised you that you would never have to be afraid again.”

“I know.”

“And how long has it been?”

“A while now
,” she said happily.

“Not a midnight phone call, not a pounding at the door.”

“No drunken idiot screaming on the street below at three A.M. in the morning.”

Tugging on her shoulder with an appalled look on his face he asked, “Yeah, what the hell was that?”

“Right,” she said rolling her eyes.

“Like a drunken hillbilly version of Street Car Named Abusive,” he chuckled.

“Again, thank you.”

“Well, we love you.”

“HEY!” a loud thundering voice yelled out making Lily jump.

Seeing her jump he turned nervously only to see a construction worker behind them who seemed to be yelling at a co-worker. Watching her shutter he quickly put his arm around her and yelled back at the construction workers, “Little early to be yelling isn’t fellas.”

“Fuck you,” a voice yelled back.

“Fuck you too,”
Todd replied.

“Who’s yelling now asshole,” the voice called back followed with co-worker laughter.

“Just a big old dumb construction worker honey,” he said gently giving her a squeeze and guiding her forward.

“Okay,” she said taking a deep breathe then laughing.

“Let’s just take it slow and enjoy this fine day.”

“We gotta find a coffee.”

“Hooker, I own a coffee shop. And were only a few blocks away,” he said oblivious to his earlier tantrum.

“Yeah you do,” she said condescendingly.

“Oh baby, can’t even remember where she works,” he sympathized giving her a hug.

“You’re a dick,” she laughed squeezing him tighter.

Letting her hold him for as long as she needed she finally looked up at him smiling. Giving her a kiss on the forehead they began making their way to work. Walking along Lily thought she recognized someone further down the street.

“Is that Ms. Johnson?” she asked placing her hand just above her eyes to get a better look.