My Brother's Keeper (3 page)

“Jon.” His name was more a sigh than a word, but it anchored Jon’s feet to the ground. Danny stood in the middle of the room, wearing overalls with no shirt or shoes. There was a smear of dirt on his cheek. He wasn’t pale like a ghost. He didn’t waver like a vision. His presence pushed at the space around him.

Shots echoed through the room. A man screamed. Soft thumps bounced against the concrete.

“Danny.”

His brother held his gaze.

“Danny…” The scent of clean sweat and fresh dirt permeated the air. “God…Danny…”

A searing heat brushed Jon’s cheek, another scraped his leg.

Then there was only his heartbeat in the silence. Bodies littered the ground. Young girls, Alex, and detective Cruise were crumpled near the door.

Everyone was dead.

Everyone but him.

Danny said, “One day you’ll understand.”

Ellis reached out only to find the sheets beside him empty.

Jon was a dark shape in front of the window, barely visible in the moonless night. Ellis turned on the bedside lamp. The golden light cut lines across Jon’s body, making him look carved from bronze rather than made with flesh.

“Jon?”

The window reflected back Jon’s vacant expression.

Ellis started to reach for him, but stopped. Was waking Jon up the right thing to do? He didn’t know, but he couldn’t stand the idea of him standing here all night like a ghost.

Ellis shook Jon.

“Everybody’s dead. I still don’t understand, and everybody’s dead.” His words grated together.

The hair on the back of Ellis’s neck stood up. He shook Jon again and the lost expression he wore shifted and his eyes focused.

“You okay?” Ellis said.

“I’m not sure.” He swallowed several times. “Was I sleepwalking?”

“Yeah.”

Jon scrubbed a hand over his face. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“It’s okay.”

The darkness in Jon’s eyes disagreed. He picked up his shorts and shirt.

“You’re not coming back to bed?”

“I won’t be able to go back to sleep and I don’t want to keep you up.”

Ellis picked up his clothes.

“There’s no need for both of us to lose sleep.”

“It’s almost morning.” Ellis looked at the clothes in his hand, then at Jon’s boxers and jeans. He laughed.

Jon’s eyebrows went up. “What are you laughing at?”

“Pajamas.” Ellis held them up. “I wear pajamas.” He pulled them on anyways.

“I kind of like them.” Jon smiled and it erased the remnants of the nightmare from his eyes.

“You like me in pajamas?”

“It’s the plaid. Gives you kind of a lumberjack look.”

Ellis stopped beside him. “You’re not funny.”

“So I shouldn’t quit my day job and go on a comedy tour?”

“No. Definitely not.” Ellis kissed him. When he pulled back, Jon didn’t let go. He rested his head on Ellis’s shoulder.

Jon exhaled a heated sigh against Ellis’s neck.

“I’m here.” He stroked Jon’s hair. “I’ll always be here.”

After a long moment, Jon stepped away.

“C’mon,” Ellis said. “I’ll fix the coffee.”

Jon sat at the table, while Ellis waited for the grounds to percolate. The quiet unnerved him, but Jon seemed to need it. His gaze was distant, but it wasn’t the glassy look he got when the nightmares drew him to his feet.

Jon looked up when Ellis put the cup down in front of him. “Thanks.” The mug almost disappeared in his hands.

Ellis sat so their legs touched. He stroked the top of Jon’s foot with his toes.

Jon pressed his thumb and finger against his eyelids. “I guess you want me to talk about this.”

“Only if you want to.”

“Well, I don’t. I don’t even want to think about it.”

“When my parents died, I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t even want to admit it happened.” Ellis drank his coffee. “It wasn’t until a year later that it really hit me that they weren’t coming home. They say time is supposed to ease grief, but I think for me it only caused it to ferment.” He traced the edge of his cup with his finger. “If I hadn’t had Rudy to worry about, I don’t know how I would have ever gotten through it. Looking back, I still don’t know how I got through it. People aren’t supposed to be able to survive that kind of trauma and yet we do.”

Silence fell, punctuated by the occasional sip of coffee and their breathing.

“My older brother hung himself in the barn.” Jon spoke in the same dead tone he did when he sleepwalked. “I found him. I thought if I could just get the rope off his neck that he would start breathing again. But he was already dead. I didn’t know that. Danny was five years older than me and already as tall as our dad.”

Ellis put his hand over Jon’s.

He closed his eyes for a moment like he was gathering the strength to say what came next. “He was so heavy. I was too short to reach the rope to get it off his neck, so I wrapped my arms around his legs and tried to lift him. I was sure, if I could just get him high enough, he’d slip free. I begged Danny to help me. I needed him to get the rope off. I screamed for help. I screamed and no one heard me.” His voice cracked. Jon scrubbed his mouth. The dusting of his beard rasped against his fingertips. “Twelve hours. Twelve hours before my dad realized we weren’t on the farm where we were supposed to be working. He searched for us with his belt in hand. When he finally found us he didn’t even act surprised. It took three cops to peel me off Danny, and in spite of being dehydrated and in shock I fought them. I didn’t stop until I looked up and saw Danny’s face. All discolored and swollen. I knew then I’d never had a chance of saving him.”

“Do you know why he did it?”

Jon shrugged and then nodded. “Danny was smart. Not just smart, but talented. He had an almost perfect academic record and he didn’t just play every sport there was, he excelled at them. It didn’t seem like there was anything he couldn’t do. I wanted more than anything to grow up and be just like him.

“He came home one day with a letter from some big college. They’d given Danny a full scholarship. Everyone at our school was excited. They even put Danny’s picture in the paper.” Jon smiled. “He was so damn proud.” Then his smile faded. “There was some sort of open house, orientation thing that all the scholarship recipients were supposed to attend. You know, where they give a tour of the school, the dorm, that kind of thing.” Jon took a few deep breaths. “Dad wouldn’t let Danny go. Not just to the orientation, but to the college. He said he wasn’t wasting money on a stupid school.”

“But he had a scholarship.”

“Yeah, but there were still expenses. And if Danny left, Dad would have had to hire help to take his place. Danny told dad he didn’t need his money. He’d get a job, he’d hitchhike his way there. He wasn’t staying on the farm. He was going to make something of himself, instead of being free labor and worked into the ground everyday.” Jon took a breath. Then two. “I’d never seen our Dad that mad. He had a temper and he would use that belt at the drop of a hat, but not like that. Dad beat Danny within an inch of his life with that damn belt of his. The whole time he was yelling, ‘So you think you’re too good for this family?’ He called Danny ungrateful, lazy, worthless.

“I think Dad would have killed him, but his arm gave out so he stopped.”

Ellis tightened his hold on Jon’s hand and Jon squeezed back. “Did you go to the police?”

“Of course not. Small town mentality combined with being terrified that they might turn us away. Danny wouldn’t have survived another beating like that. And Dad would have beat him.”

“What did you do?”

“Same thing we did every day—work. Danny could barely move the next morning, but he made it out to the feed barn where we were storing sacks to get the pigs through winter. Danny wasn’t able to lift the bags. I helped him over to the barn and propped him against the wall. I worked extra hard to try and get a good amount loaded so Dad wouldn’t know Danny hadn’t worked. At lunch, I made sure Danny ate, even though he didn’t want to.”

“I kept an eye out for Dad, and when I saw him coming, Danny hid under the truck. Dad asked where he was and I’d tell him he was over the hill taking a piss. By some miracle, we didn’t get caught.

“Danny healed, but he was never the same again. He turned into a quiet, withdrawn boy. His grades fell. He quit playing sports. Dad broke him. Not just his body, but his spirit. He didn’t laugh. He didn’t even cry.

“The morning of the day Danny killed himself, I woke up to him sitting on the edge of my bed. He told me that he was sorry but he just couldn’t stay here. He knew he was leaving me behind in that terrible place, and he hoped I would forgive him. He told me one day I’d understand.

“I thought he was going to run away. I begged him not to because Dad would find him. Danny put his hand on my cheek and kissed the top of my head. He told me where he was going Dad would never find him. Then, for the first time in months, he smiled.

“We got dressed. Danny wasn’t at breakfast, but I was hungry. So while I was shoveling corn flakes into my mouth, he was out in the hay barn, putting a rope around his neck.”

Ellis didn’t know what disturbed him more. The events Jon had been forced to live through or his hollow expression. How did someone comfort a person for something like that? A pat on the back, a hug, and a promise that it would be all right was a joke. Nothing would ever be all right.

Jon drained his cup and got up for a second. He went through the motions like a machine, not like someone who, just hours ago, made love to him.

While standing at the counter pouring coffee, Jon said, “I lied.” He came back over and sat.

“About what?”

“When the incident at the rendering plant happened, I was debriefed, interviewed, and then sent to a dozen different psychologists. One of the things they asked me was if I’d ever had hallucinations about Danny before. I said no.” He held his cup with both hands. “But I had. I saw Danny once about ten years prior. I was driving and it was foggy. I mean the kind of fog that makes you think the world has disappeared and you’re the only thing left standing. I was at a stoplight. It turned green. I could just barely see the light. I started to go, then there he was, standing at the corner. He looked right at me. The guy behind me laid on his horn, but I couldn’t move. Danny spoke. I shouldn’t have been able to hear him, but I did.”

A chill ran down Ellis’s back. “What did he say?”

“‘One day you’ll understand.’ The next thing I knew, there was this explosion of metal in the center of the intersection. A semi didn’t see the red light and blew through it. Everyone that truck hit died. The count was something like twenty three people, including a family of six. If I’d gone when the light was green, I’d be dead.” He drank his coffee and grimaced like it burned. “I never told anyone about that. To be honest, I think I forgot about it till that day in the factory. I survived there, too, when everyone else died. I stood right in the middle of that room, an easy shot. Except for a hit to my leg, I was untouched. I didn’t even know I’d been injured until backup arrived. That’s how they found me—standing in the middle of the room staring at nothing and bleeding all over the place. Why didn’t I die? I should have died.”

If he had, Ellis would have no one. It was selfish, but, at the same time, he wasn’t willing to give it up. And it wasn’t like Jon didn’t suffer for his survival. He suffered every day. “Have you ever thought about talking to someone? I mean someone professional?”

“I tried.”

“What happened?”

“I quit.”

“Why?”

“I didn’t plan on sticking around longer than I had to.”

“What about now?”

Jon’s smile was sad. “I guess I should make a few calls, huh?”

“If it will help, yeah. You should.”

Jon called Talbert. It seemed like the man never slept, and he was always in one of two places—home or work.

When no one answered the home number, Jon dialed the office. It rang a lot longer than he expected. Jon was about to turn the receiver off when the line picked up. “This is Talbert.”

“It’s me.”

“Jon? Where are you calling from? I don’t recognize the number.”

Heat rushed into Jon’s face. Now why the hell was he blushing? “Uh, I moved in with Ellis.”

There was a shuffling sound from over the line. “That’s wonderful.”

Jon let go of the breath he’d been holding. “Thanks. I…” Now how did he explain what was going on?

“Everything all right?”

“Yes and no.”

“Is it your decision to move in or something else?”

“Something else. Look, do you have the number of that shrink you suggested? I sort of misplaced it.” More like threw it away.

“I do.”

“Good, I need to set up an appointment.”

“What happened? You were pretty set on never walking in that man’s office.”

Jon forced himself to stop bouncing his knee. “I’ve been sleepwalking.”

“How often?”

“I’m not sure. A few times a month.”

“Is anything particular happening?”

“Ellis says I say a few things. Sometimes I walk around. This morning, he found me staring out the bedroom window.”

“Is it the same dream or different each time?”

“The same. At least sort of the same. Either Danny or the factory or some weird combination of both.”

“What does Ellis say?”

“Not a lot. I think he’s scared though. He’s the reason why I’m calling you.”

It sounded like Talbert moved again. “I’m proud of you, Jon. I really think this is a step in the right direction.”

Jon waited while Talbert got the number. The stairs squeaked and Rudy walked through the living room. His hair stuck up on one side and there were creases across his face. He waved and Jon put a finger over his lips.

“But I was just going to tell you good morning.”

Jon put his hand over the receiver. “In a minute, okay? Go on in the dining room. Ellis has your oatmeal.”

“Okay.” Rudy left and Talbert came back on the line.

“You still there?”

“Yeah.”

“Got a pen and paper?”

There was a note pad by the phone and a crayon. “Sure, go ahead.”