My Calling (15 page)

Her touch, which normally provides me with comfort, feels like the weight of a thousand elephants on my hand and I know what I have to do. Keeping my eyes on her hand, I place my other hand on top of hers so she can’t pull away.

“My presence has changed you, Saylor, and for a lot longer than you realize.”

I look up into her confused eyes. My heart, that one that carried no emotions until I came face to face with Saylor after all these years, hurts. It physically hurts and the fact that I haven’t even told her anything yet scares the shit out of me. I may not have to worry about Eddie’s killers coming after me because I think I might die when Saylor kicks me out of her life for good and this time, I don’t have a say in whether she does or not.

“When Eddie died, he had a pretty nice life insurance policy that he left for you. The only problem was that you were a teenager with no guardian so Eddie left it to me to handle until you turned twenty-one.”

Saylor nods. “Okay… go on…”

“I invested the majority of it per Eddie’s directions that he left in his will. There’s about $500 grand sitting in a regular checking account though that you can access anytime.”

Her mouth hits the floor and she chokes over her words as she asks, “If there’s half a million dollars in a checking account, how much is in the investment account?”

I swallow, scratching my beard as I mumble, “Almost four million.”

“Holy spitballs!” Her fingers tighten around my hand. “Are you kidding me, Beck? If you are, it’s not funny.”

The giddiness in her voice makes my heart ache even more but I nod. “I’m serious. We can go to my guy tomorrow and take my name off the account.”

Saylor leans forward, kissing me excitedly. “No! It’s fine, I don’t care. Beck, four million dollars? Do you know what we can do that with that?” She squeals and kisses me again. “Forget being a paramedic. We can open a shelter for the homeless, a hospital for the underprivileged, visit third world countries and start schools…”

She continues listing every selfless way she can help others out with her inheritance she just learned about. Despite my melancholy, I smile as I listen to Saylor and her awesome dreams until I can’t take it anymore. In the middle of her explaining to me about the hunger crisis in South Sudan, I cut her off.

“There’s more.”

Saylor’s body freezes and the grin on her face melts away.

“It’s not good, is it?”

I shake my head and pull my hands away from her, knowing I won’t be able to get this out if I’m still holding on to what I’m about to lose.

“I didn’t just randomly show up back in your life. The people that killed Eddie are dangerous. They don’t care who they hurt or who they kill, they do whatever it takes to get what they want.”

Saylor shrugs like she did at the garage, trying to pretend like she’s not affected or scared. “Yeah, I know. My father sent them to make me pay for turning him in. It was my fault, Beck. Eddie’s dead because of me.”

Fuck, why is she making this harder than it has to be?
Because she’s Saylor and she complicates everything. It’s why you love her.
Whoa! Love? Who the fuck gets off saying I’m in love with Saylor? That’s just… that’s just entirely the whole fuckin’ truth. Right there, three words, I love her. This is why this sucks so much, why my body is in physical pain as I anticipate the inevitable.

Taking her face in my hands, I shake my head. “No, Say, it’s not your fault at all. They’re bad motherfuckers and they’re after you, they’re after me. I lost you once when you skipped town and I vowed I’d never let that happen again. Eddie’s dead because of me and I promised him I’d take care of you.”

Saylor tenses under my hands, pushing my arms off her. “Wh-what do you mean ‘take care of me’? Did my uncle trade me to you in some kind of arranged marriage deal or something?”

“Fuck, Saylor, where do you come up with this shit? No, your uncle didn’t promise your hand in marriage or anything like that. I just told him I’d look after you, take care of that money, make sure those killers didn’t come after you, too.”

Saylor starts to shake her head, looking more anxious by the second. “I’m not following. Vowed you never let what happen after I got back in town? What the hell is going on, Jon?”

I cringe as she calls me the name that I shed so long ago. Saylor was always the only one that called me Jon while Eddie called me Jonathan and everyone else called me Bean for my tall, lanky figure I had back then. This is it, this is goodbye, Saylor forever.

I take a deep breath. “My presence affected your entire life since you got back in town four years ago. I told Eddie I’d take care of you but you made it apparent that you didn’t want anyone from your past around. That’s why I hid in the dark, changed my look, my name, my personality so that I could take care of you without you running. Fuck, I became a paramedic so I could keep you safe while you were at work.”

Saylor reaches for the door handle. “You’re kind of creeping me out…”

I sigh and hold up my hands. “It wasn’t meant to be creepy, Saylor. I was trying to honor your uncle.”

Her face goes flush and she huffs before she speaks. “Honor my uncle by getting in my bed?”

“Come on, Saylor, you know that has nothing to do with it. I hadn’t talked to you in years. How was I to know I was going to fall in love with you?”

Her gasp makes me all too aware of the words that just slipped out of my mouth. “You what?”

I wave my hands, trying to erase the words unsuccessfully. “Look, I never planned on actually interacting with you, just keeping you alive and helping you however I can.”

Saylor scoffs. “I can handle myself on my own. I’m a big girl who has survived just fine. I have a job that is rewarding and satisfying. I have an apartment—” Her face goes white. “I can’t afford that apartment.”

I shake my head. “You can’t. I make up the difference with Eddie’s money. There was no way in hell I was going to let you live in the slums you were looking at.”

“Cheese and crackers…” she mumbles then looks up at me, her eyes blazing. “You aren’t lying. You stalked me all these years, changed the course of my life, and then you sit here and tell me that you love me like that will make everything all better and you can stick around so you can have my uncle’s money?”

I reach for her hand, my heart thundering against my chest. “Saylor, I’m not telling you I love you for the money. I’m telling you I love you because I do.” I pause and then add. “And it’s really fuckin’ scary because I’ve never been in love before. You’re
my
calling, Saylor.”

Saylor rejects my hand and hops out of the rig. I’m on the move before her door closes, chasing after her as she strides across the garage in fast paced steps. When I can reach her, I grab her hand, jerking on it until she turns around. I keep moving though, until her back is against the closest ambulance. My fingers in her hair, I pull her hair softly as my lips capture hers, kissing her more urgently than I ever have before. Saylor’s hands fist my shirt, pulling me closer to her as she returns the kiss and my body begins to ease up, maybe I haven’t lost Saylor forever.

Then, with no notice, Saylor shoves me as hard as I can. I trip over the supply bag between the bays and almost fall on my ass until I catch my balance. Saylor’s nostrils are flaring as she walks toward me, pushing me again and I fall back another few steps.

“Bullshit, I don’t buy it. You give me all the info on the accounts, get your names off of them, and then you stay the hell away from me. If I see you so much at the same restaurant, I will get a restraining order placed on you. The game’s over, you lose.”

Saylor pivots on the heel of her feet, marching out of the garage. I lean against the hard metal behind my back, watching my heart walk out of here with her. Wallowing in my self-pity for about ten seconds, I’m reminded that the assholes that shot Eddie are still out there and Saylor is a perfect target right now. She might hate me, never want to see me again, threaten a restraining order, but Saylor Warner is my calling and my reason for living. I can’t let anything happen to her, not just for Eddie, but for my own sanity.

Saylor

  I cussed. I said bad words. I said words that have never left my mouth before but tonight they were warranted. Jonathan Beckerdyte. No wonder Beck seemed so familiar to me, why I felt so comfortable around him, why I let my guard down for him when I never have for any other man. He duped me… my entire life!

My body is shaking as I sprint out of the South Bay Ambulance District Headquarters. Tears blur my vision and for the sake of all things holy, I feel like I’m losing my mind because I can’t find my car anywhere in the lot. I probably shouldn’t be driving right now in the state of mind that I’m in, but I have to escape Beck and all things behind me are him. Then again, apparently he pays my rent so even my apartment is him.

“Saylor!”

His voice, the same one that once made me feel a rush of happiness and comfort, now sends chills down my spine. I don’t look behind me to see what he wants. Somehow my legs know what I want and move from speed walking to full on run. When I hear Beck’s feet hitting the pavement behind me, I pick up the pace, not paying attention to anything in my peripheral vision until a car lays on its horn. To my left, a SUV has slammed on its brakes and is stopped less than two feet from me. I freeze, unable to move as the driver stares me down and silent tears roll down my cheeks.

A pair of strong hands encompasses my waist, guiding me out of the center of the road. I know it’s Beck, I can tell by his grasp and his smell, but I don’t shake him off even though I want nothing to do with him. Instead, I seek his comfort in his small touch, leaning my back against his chest as he hugs me from behind. Beck never was, and still isn’t, one to show his emotions yet in his arms right now, I can tell he’s as scared as I am.

“I know you’re pissed at me and you have every right to be but what the fuck were you thinking? You almost got yourself killed!” Beck does a horrible job trying to keep his annoyance out of his voice.

I push his arms away, escaping my Beck comfort zone and spinning around to face him. “I’m trying to get as far away from you as possible,” I snip, walking down the sidewalk that I really don’t even know where it leads to.

“Let me give you a ride home. We rode together, remember?”

His voice is much calmer, which helps my nerves steady as well. Frankly, that makes me even more angry that the man who has deceived my entire life, manipulating my choices, can still soothe me so easily. Still, he has a point that I have no mode of transportation and it would take me until tomorrow to walk to my place from here. Reluctantly, I follow him to his truck and climb inside, suddenly realizing we’re supposed to be working.

“We’re going to get fired,” I say defeated, more for myself than for Beck, who I now know why he hates this job.

The ignition hums as he turns on the old truck. “No, we won’t. I told the boss that you had a family emergency and I was your ride home.”

Beck pulls into the street and I stare at him. “That’s the last time.”

He glances at me with raised eyebrows. “Last time for what?”

“For you covering for me, taking care of me, acting like you’re some kind of martyr.”

I cross my arms, hoping to get my point across. I hold back tears that burn in my eyes at the thought that I’m truly alone for the first time ever in my entire life. I thought I had been before but now that I know the truth, everything is clicking into place and making sense.

“Saylor, I’m not a martyr and I’m not trying to be. Eddie asked me to look out for you and that’s what I’ve been doing.”

I throw up my arms, unable to contain my anger any longer. “He asked you to look out for me, not change the course of my life.”

Beck starts to speak loudly then stops and lowers his tone. “I did what was best for you, Saylor, what kept you safe.”

“You’re not God, Beck! You don’t get to make my decisions for me!”

I’m screaming and I don’t even care. My body is operating on its own as my mind is too busy being upset and disappointed at all things Beck related right now. Having unleashed the beast, I begin to sob, doubling over and holding my head in my arms as they rest against my legs. Beck doesn’t say anything, doesn’t touch me, he’s gone just like I want him to be. Then why does my heart feel the same way as it did when I held my dying uncle in my arms?

With no idea how much time has passed, I look up to see that we’re in my apartment parking lot. I want to bury my head back in my lap to prolong my time with Beck because I plan to never see him again after I exit his truck. Instead, I turn to him with my tearstained cheeks to get one last look at him.

“I don’t know if you meant it or not but I’m in love with you too and I hate you for it. If you had just been honest, told me the truth, and not been all secret agent then maybe this would’ve ended differently, maybe we could be together, but not now. You are dead to me, Jonathan Beckerdyte, and I never want to see you again.”

I gasp as I finish my little speech because the words slice my already broken heart. I gave my heart to someone who doesn’t deserve it and I’ll never be able to give it to anyone ever again after the pieces he’s left it in. As always, Beck sits there emotionless. I want to reach over and pound on his chest to get some kind of reaction out of him.

I scoff and shake my head. “You answered my question then. You were grasping at straws when you said you loved me. You’re a heartless man who couldn’t love anyone if he tried.” I spit the words out as though they’re fire coming from the dragon’s mouth and I hope they burn him as much as he’s burnt me.

Taking me by surprise, Beck takes my hand and kisses the back of my knuckles lightly. “I meant it when I said I’d fallen in love with you. I’ll always love you and it’ll always be my job to protect you whether you like it or not.” He drops my hand and stares at it as it falls back in my lap. “I had a reason for doing the things I did. Now’s not the time to try to explain it so I just hope that one day you can hear me out. I’m not going far, Saylor, I’ll keep you safe.”