My Dear Stranger (33 page)

 
“How could you do this?  3 smokes a day to keep you level was one thing, but
drinking,
Sadie?  Even for you, that's a new low.  Don't you care about anyone but yourself?  What about our baby?  What about us?  You’re such a selfish bitch!” He yelled in my face as he shook me.
  And I remember my anger suddenly flaring. 
Really?  
Selfish bitch? 
Me?
  I had done NOTHING selfish in 8 years of my life!  I had lived to make them happy.  I had tried to make THEM happy for the last 8 years of my life.  How was
I
selfish?!
  “Fuck you, Alexander!” I screamed and hit.  With wide eyes, I looked at his face of shock but I didn't care.  “Fuck YOU!  I'm not selfish.  I tried to be everything you wanted and I faked it when I couldn't.  You made me like this and you made me love you loving me and YOU made me fucked up again.  YOU LEFT ME!  And you promised me forever, but you lied to me, and now I'm waiting again and I'm sick and you did this!!  I'm not selfish.  You are!  YOU LEFT
ME!
” I screamed as I hit him.
  Fighting him, I punched and slapped and tried to get him away from me.  I tried everything until he grabbed me by my arms, dragged me out of the bathroom and threw me on the bed.  But when Alexander suddenly punched the wall above us, I silenced immediately.  I had never seen Alexander this angry, and I was very afraid of his anger suddenly.  I was truly scared of Alexander in that moment.
  Tugging at the comforter on the floor I slowly wrapped myself in it as I shook and lay down on my side.  My hands were blue and my lips quivered.  And I was absolutely numb with the cold inside me.
  Watching Alexander breathing hard as he tried to calm himself, I was exhausted from all this upset and fear and drama, and from the cold deep inside me.
  I don't know why, but I couldn't stop myself from begging.  “I'm so cold Alexander.  Would you please warm me like you always do?”  And then I cried.
  When I was pulled into his arms, I cried harder, even as he tried to soothe me.  I remember feeling that day was an absolute nightmare for me, and I was done.
  “Why did you leave me?”
  “I didn't leave you- I left for a while.  There's a difference, Sadie.”
  “Not to me.”
  “But there is to me.  I wouldn't leave you, but I needed to leave.  I couldn't take all the confusion anymore.  Why did you drink?”
  “Because I couldn't take all the confusion anymore.” I threw right back.
  “You know you can't drink when you’re pregnant.”
  “You know you can't leave when I'm pregnant.”
  “Sadie, I was trying to handle everything.”
  “So was I.”
  And I remember thinking I was being a total brat, but I couldn't help it.  I wanted to punish him for leaving me.  I wanted to be angry and bitchy and bratty.  I wanted him to feel bad for leaving me.  I wanted to hate him for leaving me, but I didn't hate him.
  Moving my ass against him, I wanted him to make me feel better.  I wanted him inside me and around me, until I wasn't angry anymore.  I wanted him to love me until I loved him loving me again.
  Touching myself, I lifted my leg and placed it on his hip.  I wanted to feel Alexander but he wasn't touching me.  Rubbing myself, I moaned and felt my arousal slowly climb.  I was against Alex and he was so still behind me I should have been embarrassed by his neglect, but I wasn't.  I was desperate for his love.
  “Who are you thinking about?” He whispered behind me.
  “You.”
  “What are you thinking about?”
  “Us.  Together.  I'm thinking about only you, Alex,” I moaned as I touched myself harder.
  When I felt him snap his jeans, I begged.  “Please, Alex.  Please be with me.”
  “Never again, Sadie,” he said as he pushed my fingers away from my body.  “Never,
ever
again.  I am the only one inside this body.  I am the only one you think about.  I am the only one left.”
  “Yes...” I moaned as he took me with his fingers.  Pumping myself against him, I was alive for him.  I felt everything in that moment.  I was alive with Alexander Hamilton and I wanted to be alive with him.
  “Who are you with, Sadie?”
  “You, Alex,” I groaned as he entered me from behind.  “Oh, please...” I begged as he slowed inside me.  But I wanted more.  I needed more.  “Please, Alex.  I want you.  Only you,” I screamed as he slammed into me.  “Alexander...” I moaned as he slammed into me again.  “Alex!” I screamed when he took me harder.  “Alexander!
Oh!”
I gasped when he began pounding into me from behind as his hand rubbed me from the front.
  “Who are you with, Sadie?” He asked holding my hips still as he thrust inside me.
  “You, Alex!  I'm with you!”
  And then the intensity grew and the need crested, and the climax roared as the orgasm tore through me into Alex.
  “Who am I?” He yelled through gritted teeth as he came.
  “
Alex...
” I moaned in my insanity.
 

 
And then the heaviest silence I have ever known descended upon us.  Breathing heavily with my heart pounding, I heard nothing but I felt everything.  And I knew, it was Alex I lived for.

  “Who were you with the other night, Sadie?”

  “You…” I moaned half unconscious, even as I felt him shaking behind me.
 

*****

 
We spent 3 days at the hotel as our honeymoon gift from my parents.  We spent 3 days loving each other.  We spent 3 days happily in our hotel cocoon, until we left for home.
  And we remained happy.  We continued our days as a happily married couple, coping and struggling day by day.
  2 weeks later my baby shower was thrown and we scored.  I think people felt badly for us and gave a little more than they normally would have, but we graciously accepted everything we could for the baby that was coming.
  We changed around my bedroom to make room for the crib and we waited for the baby to come with a dining room filled with baby props; strollers, car seats, change pads, blankets, onesies, and an endless supply of baby powders, creams, and diapers. 

 
Laughing at how it was possible for such a small creature to require so much stuff, Alexander and I waited happily for the baby to come.
 

CHAPTER
29

 
And then my baby came.
  After an atrocious birth, filled with drama and upset, 41 hours later, my baby boy was finally born.
  For 41 hours I struggled, and Alex tried to struggle with me, and doctors and nurses tried to ease the struggle inside me, but nothing worked.  41 hours were spent pushing and crying, and screaming for this little shithead to be born.  And I was a mess.
  Eventually, the control was taken from me, and to Alex and my mother's relief a quick C-section was given to my hundred pound body, to get the little 8 pound asshole out of me, as I was not so affectionately thinking of him by then.
  But there he was.  41 hours later, my beautiful baby boy was placed on my chest with Alex standing close helping me hold him.  My tiny baby boy was lying on my chest comfortably quiet, as Alex cried silently beside us.
  Looking at the little prick who I had just hated, I was overcome with amazement.  He was mine.  He was so little and beautiful and pretty and just... Mine.  He was an absolute angel to me.
  And then with no prompting or knowledge of what the hell I was doing, and through my complete and utter exhaustion, I moved him a little higher on my chest and he instantly latched onto me and nursed.  He nursed instantly like he knew who I was.  He latched onto me in a way that I would never forget.  He latched onto me in a way I hope he never lets go of.
  Staring at his tiny mouth taking from me, something deep inside me shifted.  Something dark died away to be replaced with the birth of something beautiful.
  My son was born and I would never be the same.
 
  Thinking of that first moment with my baby I still cry.  I still remember the overwhelming feeling of love that hit me.  The unbearable need to hold and love him that made me forget all of the pain and agony of his birth.  The complete knowledge that I was created for this little baby in my arms.
  And I still cry when I think of the tiny baby who saved me.
  James Michael Alexander Hamilton was born on a cold day in late February.  And he is my life.
  Jamie changed me forever and made me the best Sadie Hamilton I could be. From the moment I held him in my arms I changed.  I became a mother who would always love and cherish her child.  I became the mother of the movies.  I became the mother of any child's dreams because I live and breathe for my Jamie.
  And amazingly, Alexander never resented my attention to Jamie.  He was never jealous or put out by my life with Jamie.
  Amazingly, Alexander accepted his place as second in my life, with pride.  He never pushed for more than I could give and he never tried to take more than I could offer.  Alex was amazing to me as I instantly became Sadie Hamilton, mother to Jamie first, and wife to Alexander, second.
  Thinking back on those first few weeks, months and eventually years I can honestly say I changed completely, and for the better.  Amazingly, I didn't suffer any post-partum depression at all.  I never cried unnecessarily.  I never cried from exhaustion.  I never cried about anything once my baby was born.
  I loved Jamie, and I felt like a switch was thrown in my heart the second he was placed on my chest.
  I forgot about my past and I welcomed my future with this little baby of mine.
 

*****

 
3 months after Jamie was born, Alexander came home in the afternoon, surprising me.  I remember looking like crap still in my early morning sweats, but he didn't seem to care.  Jamie was asleep and Alex made me a lovely lunch while I showered and cleaned up.  And then we talked.
  Alex admitted he was always secretly scared I would go off the rails when the baby was born.  He admitted that he had spoken to a counsellor at the clinic he had been interning at to learn what he could do to help me in case I suffered depression after Jamie's birth.  He had a homeopathic and herbal supplement ready for me in case I needed it.  He was prepared to help me through my new life with our son if I had needed it.
  Choking up, Alex told me how relieved and proud he was of me.  He told me his love for me had grown a hundred times over and he often wondered how his heart could grow even bigger for me and Jamie, but it did.
  At the time, I remember thinking maybe I should have been offended that he was so sure I would freak out; but logically, I think I was always waiting for that, too.  So instead of being offended, I kissed him.
  And finally, we made love for the first time since Jamie was born.  We hadn't moved into our first house yet, and Jamie occupied our bedroom still, so Alex walked me to the living room and we made slow love on the couch, and on the floor once we had fallen off the couch.  We made love and it was good.
  There was no longer back arching screams of passion, but I think we wouldn't have anyway, for fear of waking Jamie.  There wasn't the insane intensity I used to get when I
needed,
but there was a need.  I felt the need to reconnect with Alex, and we did.
  A short time after Alex and I finished, lying in each other’s arms talking about the new little house we had bought with our wedding money as down payment, Jamie stirred.  And I remember Alex attempting to get him, but I jumped up quicker.
  Running for Jamie, I held my little boy as he woke from his nap and I looked at the face that had changed me forever.
  I admit I've always been a little obsessed with Jamie.  I love him so much I have a hard time not caring for him.  And there was a bit of a learning curve between Alex and I where Jamie was concerned in the beginning, but we managed. 
  I did everything regarding Jamie, and if Alex attempted to help, I admit I was a bit freaked out.  Usually, I stayed quiet, but sometimes I would tell Alex what he was doing wrong, or what he should do, or what I would do, until he gave up and handed Jamie back to me.  Usually, Alex smiled at my suggestions, and gave in.  Usually, he just gave into my instruction without anger or resentment.  Usually, he understood that I was Jamie's mom, and therefore I trumped him completely.
  Once in a while however, Alex started an argument with me over Jamie's care, but then he backed off when I struggled to explain myself.  If I struggled with my need to love and protect Jamie, Alex backed off, because I think he understood I wasn't trying to be mean to Alex; but rather I was trying to be a good mom to Jamie.  So thankfully, he stopped the arguments from escalating.