My First Love and Other Disasters (16 page)

“Oh . . . it's very nice.” I wish I was gutsier. It looks awful and I'm sure she did it on purpose. “That's okay,” I say. “I'll finish up.”

“Sure 'nuff,” she says, and dumps the blower in my lap, still roaring and plenty hot, and disappears.

I finish up the best I can and go back outside.

Barry is fooling around, trying to light a fire, and everybody is telling him how to do it and naturally no one knows what they're saying. I just sort of melt in with the crowd. Jim gets us all beers and I sip on mine. I don't like beer—in fact, I really hate any kind of alcohol. It tastes awful. A couple of times on holiday dinners at home I've got a little giddy on wine but that's all. I guess I'll never be much on drinking unless they come up with something that tastes a whole lot better than Scotch. Ugh!

“I'm going to ride some waves,” Jim announces after a while. “Anybody coming?”

Gloria takes it as a personal invitation and whines, “Ohhh . . . Jimmy, it's too cold. Brrr . . .”

She's too much. It must be ninety.

“I'll pass on it,” Barry tells Jim. “I want to get this fire under control.”

Now Jim looks at me. And Gloria looks at me. And Barry looks at me. My mind is racing around
in a quick think. I know exactly what I should do. A lot of help that is.

“Sounds good to me,” I say, doing the exact opposite, and he says terrific, and before anyone can add another word we both turn and race off toward the beach. I don't care so much about Gloria but I feel a little bad for Barry. I know I didn't come here as his girlfriend, but still I wouldn't want him to think I'm trying to get a thing going with Jim right in front of him. After all, all I'm doing is going for a little swim. Oh, who am I kidding!

The water is sensational. It's rough and the undertow is strong but the waves are just perfect for riding. I think Jim is a little surprised at how good I am in the water, especially after someone like Gloria. Bearing that in mind, I show off a little and scare myself half to death a couple of times. I'm actually risking my life to impress Jim. I must be nuts or really crazy in love with him.

We have a super time and he shows me how to ride the waves with our arms around each other, and then he rides the waves with me sitting on his back like I'm on the surfboard. It feels like we're only out there twenty minutes or so, but from the looks of where the sun is it must be a lot longer. We're exhausted when we get out of the water and both of us collapse on the hot sand.

“You swim like a fish,” he tells me. What he
doesn't know is that I'm not all that good but I never worked so hard at anything in my entire life. It shows what you can do if you really knock yourself out trying. Funny, but in this relationship I seem to be surprising myself all the time.

“Maybe we should go back,” I say presently. I start to get up but he pulls me down. “I think the food's probably ready by now,” I add.

He starts to kiss me but I pull away and look around, especially back toward the house. Thank goodness nobody's in sight.

“I really think we should get back,” I tell him. “Besides, somebody could be looking. Gloria or somebody.”

“Sure,” he says, “no big deal. Let's go back.”

Then I think maybe he gave up a little too easily. I must be really freaking out. I don't know what I want anymore.

When we get back to the pool nobody's around, so we head toward the house. I get a sinking feeling that it's really late. I mean, we must have been fooling around out there for probably a couple of hours. It feels sevenish.

From the pool you have to go through an enclosed patio. Bad news. The clock says almost seven thirty. I can't believe we were out that long.

“Hey, Barry! Gloria?” Jim calls their names as we walk into the den. “Where is everybody?” Barry's
sister is sprawled on the couch with her friend, watching TV.

“Oh, boy, are you two in trouble,” she says, the typical brat sister. I shouldn't have wasted my time being nice to her. I can tell she's even worse than Nina.

“Barry around?” Jim asks as though she hadn't said anything.

“Uh-uh.” She's an expert. She's going to make him crawl for it.

“Where is he?” Jim finally asks.

“Out,” she says, and doesn't even look away from the television.

“What about Gloria?” You can see he's really getting teed off.

Kathy shrugs.

“Now look,” Jim says, snapping off the TV. “Talk! Where'd everybody go?”

“Barry's out at the ice-cream shop. He said he was going to work a couple of hours and Gloria said that she's going home and to tell you . . .” And she stops and smiles up at him.

“Tell me what?” he says, falling right into her trap. Even I can see it's going to be fatal.

“Turn the TV back on first,” she says, still with that disgusting grin.

He turns it back on.

“She said to tell you . . .”

“Yeah?” he says.

“Drop dead!” And both she and her friend crack up and practically fall on the floor in hysterics. Best day they've had since the cat was run over.

Jim charges out of the door and I follow him. “Monsters,” I tell him. “I know because my sister's just like that.”

“I can't stand that kid,” he says, and I can see he's aggravated and it's probably not about Kathy. Probably about Gloria. This whole thing is really a mess now. It's not exactly fair because mostly we were just swimming. Oh, who am I fooling. It was awful.

Then he surprises me and instead of going after Gloria he asks me if I want to go over to The Monkey for a while.

I don't know. It's so bad already I don't suppose it's going to be any worse if we go over and have a few dances. So I say yes.

The Monkey is one of those places that is always jammed.

It's not even eight o'clock and you can hardly squeeze in the door. I spot Anita and Dana and they see me and we wave. I'm glad they see I'm with Jim because I told them I would be anyway. At least one thing worked out.

Jim leads me to the dance floor and we start to Hustle. They have “Don't Leave Me This Way” on and it's
one of my favorites. I know this whole thing's not exactly working the way I planned, but still, I'm not complaining. I am actually out on a date with Him. I've been waiting for this night since I first saw him last September. He's different than I thought he was but I still think he's outrageous and I really am crazy about him.

The next record is real slow: “You Make Me Feel Brand-New.”

He holds me close and we barely move. My head is against his chest and he smells sort of salty and nice. I hope Anita and Dana see us. After all, he is horrendously handsome. Oh, God, everybody's going to just die when we get back to school this fall. Imagine me being Jim Freeman's girlfriend. I'll go to all the tennis matches and sit in those special seats right behind the team. That's where their girlfriends sit and everybody knows it and looks at you. And then we'll eat together in the lunchroom. Anybody on the varsity team always gets to sit in this side section of the lunchroom that's just reserved for them. It's not really reserved but that's just the way it works out. It will be so fantastic, and then maybe I can even get Steffi a date with one of his friends, and then if they like each other we can double-date. Oh, this year is going to be the greatest in all my life. I just know it.

I'm so into these gorgeous thoughts that I'm
not even aware that Jim is holding me tight and whispering something into my hair. Then I lift my head and I bump his chin a tiny bit, which catches the tippy edge of his tongue and makes him pull back just a little. These things never happen in movies, do they?

They probably don't even happen in real life except to klutzes like me.

“Let's go sit on the pier,” he whispers and starts to move me off the dance floor. But I stop him and tell him we only just got here and it'd be fun to dance a little longer.

“We'll come back later.” Now he's sounding very insistent and I'm beginning to feel very confused. The first thing that comes to my mind I really don't like but there it is. Looks to me like he's in a mighty big hurry to get out there on the pier again, and I know it's not just to talk. That thought gives me a funny feeling. I'm not really sure what it is but I know it's not so good.

He smiles and gives me a sexy little wink and says, “Come on, I won't bite you.” And it's very tempting, but something happens inside my head and I just don't move. He looks surprised and I guess I am too.

We're standing there in the middle of the dance floor and he's saying come on, and I'm saying I don't really want to right now, and this goes
back and forth and finally he walks off the floor. I don't want to just stand there, so I follow him to the bar where everybody is standing three deep. I feel bad and very embarrassed, very depressed, like I could cry any minute. But I don't. I just stand there next to him and we both pretend we're watching the dancers.

He's still next to me so maybe it's not so bad. I turn to look at him, but he pretends he doesn't see me and just stares straight ahead.

Maybe he really does want to talk. Maybe I insulted him by not even just going with him to chat for a while. No wonder he's angry. It was really babyish of me to think that all he wants to do is make out with me. How are we ever going to have a relationship if I don't trust him? That's it.

“Listen, Jim,” I say, “I'm really sorry I acted that way. If you want to go . . .” And right in the middle of my apology he takes off. He just walks away. I watch him and I can't believe my eyes. I run after him and grab his arm. “What's the matter?” I ask, my voice trembling. “Can't you even tell me what's wrong?”

He shakes my arm away and stares hard at me. “Come back in a year or two,” he says. “You have a lot of growing up to do.” And he turns away and goes up to another girl, a pretty blond, and pretty soon they're dancing.

My throat chokes up and tears fill my eyes. I'm in the middle of a crowded disco but now I don't see anything or anyone. I can't just stand here with tears running down my face. I've got to get out of here but I can't even see enough to find my way out. Naturally I don't have a tissue so I have to wipe my eyes with my sleeve so anybody watching me must know I'm crying. Who cares? As soon as I can see in front of me I push through the door. I hear Anita calling me but I don't even turn around. I just keep walking until I'm out of the door and down the stairs, and then I start running and I'm really crying.

I hate him! I hate him with all my heart. How could he do that to me! Finally I'm crying so hard I have to sit down on a bench on the side of the walk-way, and I just sob like I haven't done since I was really little. I've never been so unhappy in all my life.

And there's something else. I've been a terrible person. I'm really surprised at myself. I'm not at all like I thought I was going to be. I would hate it if someone else acted the way I did—to Barry and even Gloria, I mean.

I can't believe how bad I feel.

I get back into the house and thank goodness everybody's sleeping, so I just go up to my room and get into bed and turn out the light. I wish I was home. I hate it here.

Tuesday morning is crazy busy
because Cynthia has to make an eight o'clock ferry to be in the city for an eleven o'clock appointment. She overslept so we all end up flying around the house trying to help. The rushing pays off because she just barely makes the ferry. Actually they hold it a couple of seconds for her. The kids are jumping up and down, shouting, “Wait! Wait!” while Cynthia races down the dock. One of the men gives her a hand and she leaps on. We stand there waving until she's far out of sight.

I hope she doesn't run into my parents. I told you we live in the same apartment house, and it could be embarrassing since I never spoke to Cynthia about the sleeping-out business. I'm going to but I'm
just waiting for the right moment. She probably won't see them anyway because she said she was only stopping off there to pick up something and then going right on to her appointment.

In all the furious activity I didn't have any chance to think about yesterday. Ever since I got up this morning I've had a sort of heavy feeling, and now that everything's quietened down and I start thinking about how horrendous yesterday was I almost feel sick. I practically wish I'd never come out here. Maybe I can't really make it on my own. All I know is that I keep doing things that make me feel terrible the next day. There must be something awful wrong with me if that keeps happening.

In all the rushing to get Cynthia on her way, the kids never did eat breakfast, so I fix the usual when we get home. They're just finishing when somebody knocks on the front door. We don't even have a bell and the door is always unlocked (almost always). That's one of the special things I like about Fire Island, you never even think about being scared. It's really open and very safe.

DeeDee jumps up from the table and runs to open the door. I hear a happy squeal and I can't figure out who's there so I poke my head into the living room and get a big shock. It's an old man, with lots of white hair, dressed in a suit and tie. He has DeeDee in his arms, and, right away, the first think
I think is, Damn it, it's Mr. Landry, and I want to sit down and cry because everything is just so awful and now this.

“Is that Victoria?” Mr. Landry asks DeeDee, and she nods and says to me, “This is my grandpa,” and gives him a big squeeze with all her might, and he laughs and gives her a big kiss on the cheek.

All this time David was upstairs changing into his bathing suit, but when he hears who's here he comes charging down the stairs two steps at a time and practically jumps into his grandfather's arms, which happen to be completely filled with DeeDee.