My Forever (2 page)

After f
our times through
Amazing Grace
, and two other songs I could play in my sleep,
practice is
finally
over
. M
y two friends, Kristin and Jill, come up
and lean on the piano
. They both sing in the choir.
Jill’s lanky arms rest over the music, and her tight curls fall over her shoulders.

“You’ll never believe what we found,” Jill whispers. She looks like she’s just uncovered the biggest secret of the Christian Life Church. I’m already bored.

“Don’t.” Kristy shoots her a look. “Let’s go outside.”

These girls are my closest friends because we’re the same age
and
go to the same church. I guess that’s where most of my friends come from. It’
s like—
do we have more than
one
thing in common? We can be friends. It’s nice because I have lots of choices of lunch tables in the cafeteria, but I generally end up with Kristy and Jill. Right now I really just want to be alone in my room.
Or, as alone as I
can
be in my room.

I follow the girls outside
. Who knows what they’r
e up to. It’s usually something ridiculous like accidentally seeing the neighbor kid with his shirt off.
             

“You will never guess what we found…” Jill starts.

“…
i
n
the women
’s restroom,” Kristin continues as she shifts her weight and tightens her dark blond in its ponytail.
Her long face looks even longer when her eyes are this serious and wide.

I can guess
what they found
.  I’
m thinking I should
play some funny psychic joke on them
,
but I don’t.
Mostly because the situation is anything but funny.
Ironic, maybe.
But not funny.

“It was a pregnancy test, and it was positive!” Jill puts both hands to her mouth.

“Yeah, I know. It’s mine.” I stuff my hands back in my hoodie pouch and push down as far as my hands can stretch it.

They’re suddenly both speechless. I’m finding the quiet from them kind of nice
,
which again makes me wonder why we’re such good friends. I smile to myself as I try not to notice their stares of shock.

“What?” Kristin says. “You and Zack?”

“No.” We’re still standing in the snow, in the cold, behind the church. It’s probably the most conspicuous place to have this kind of conversation.

“Who?” Jill asks.

“Remember a little over a month ago, in January
,
when I went up to visit Lucas?”

Every girl
know
s
Lucas. He’s three years older than us.
We’ve all crushed on Lucas at
some time or another. He has light brown hair and gorgeous hazel eyes. He’s been the parent model for acceptable boys to date since he was 16. My dad absolutely adores him and his family. They’re the ones who set him up wit
h his position as pastor
. Lucas has spent the last two and a half years at the University of Alaska, in Fairbanks. We’re six hours away in Anchorage.

“With Lucas?” Kristin asks. Her eyes are wide.

I want to
tell her yes
because it’s the truth. But I can’t do it. I can’t rat him out. I was amazed he showed any interest in me at all. I hadn’t expected it.
I’m just me, and he’s…well…
Lucas
.

My dad asked, and Lucas
agreed to let me come stay with him and his roommate to check out the campus. Dad was thrilled that such a responsible young man wouldn’t mind watching over his Danielle for a few days.
He wanted to get me out of here.
A
way from Zack.
Both of my parents wanted me t
o know what else was out there…
I found out.

“Hello… Dani…” Kristin says waving her hands in front of my face.

“Oh, sorry, no, no, not Lucas.” Part
of me still wants to tell them.
I want to see their reaction, to see their jealous faces. The problem is that Lucas’ parents still go to church with us, and word will get out. It always does.

“Oh my gosh, I can’t believe you did that with just some random guy.” Jill frowns in a face perfectly filled with disapproval. 

“And you’ve never let Kevin get his hands up your shirt?” I ask.

She reddens. “Yeah
,
but I felt really bad about it.”

“And that’s why you let him do it again?” I widen my eyes. I’m freezing, I want to go inside
,
and I can tell already I’m grouchy with them and will just make things worse if we keep talking.

“What are you going to do?” Kristin takes a step back and crosses her arms in front of her.

“I have no idea. I’m still kind of hoping that it’s all some sort of crazy dream or big mistake.” That’s the truth.

I want to buy another pregnancy test, even though it’s also not on my list of things I want to do,
again
, on the
off-
chance
the one I used was faulty. But part of me knows it wasn’t. Part of me knows what I’m going to be facing.

I don’t want to listen to that part of me right now. Way too scary.

“Dani!” M
y mother yell
s
across the yard.

“
Gotta
go.” When I turn
,
I don’t look back at them. I’m afraid of what I’ll see. As I walk toward the house I realize I’m probably going to get in trouble because my brother didn’t stay after school to do math. It suddenly seems kind of funny.  

I come in the back door to see M
om working in the kitchen. She’s still incredibly petite, even after eight kids. Dad met her in Mexico when she was nineteen. He traveled as a part of Christian revival conference or something. They were married less than a month later so he could bring her home to the US.

I’ve thought more than once that she could have done better. My mom is still gorgeous
,
and my dad has always been a pretty average looking guy. He’s also a workaholic, but they seem happy enough.
And it’s not like a relationship should be based on looks, but
still
.

“Your brother says you two stayed after school to work on math.” She doesn’t pause in what she’s doing. Her hands fly from the dishwasher to open cupboards, emptying the dishwasher for what’s probably the third time today.
I’m taking her tone
to mean that she doesn’t believe it.

“Yep.” I slide off my shoes and kick them into the small cubby under the bench in the mudroom.

“What did you two work on?” She glances briefly over her shoulder.
Definitely suspicious.

“Algebra?” I don’t mean for that to sound like a question, but she already knows I’m lying. It doesn’t matter what I say. I’m sort of resigned at this point.

“Uh-huh.” She stops and turns around then. “You two need to tell me when you decide to stay after school. And if you
didn’t
stay after school, I need to know where you
were
, understand?” She’s pointing at me while holding a plate. I wonder what it would feel like to throw it against the wall and watch the small shards hit the floor.

“Understand.” I start to nod
,
but it ends up being more like staring at the floor in defeat. My breathing isn’t normal again. Am I breathing? I suck in a deep breath.

“Straight home after
school for the rest of the week. Do you understand
?”

“Yeah.” I keep my eyes on the ground.

She slowly turns around to finish her job. “When you go to your room to sulk, please send your sister Hannah in here
. I
t’s her night to help with the dishes.”

“Sure, M
om.” I walk through the kitchen and living room into the bedroom part of the house.

The bedroom part of the house, well the kid bedroom part anyway, is the leftover trailer. When we first moved here, we moved our family of six into a trailer. A mobile home dad called it. I called it a trailer. I still call it a trailer. He really hates that. The rest of the house he added later.

I’m chewing my lower lip as I walk in my room. It
doesn’t look like my room;
it looks like Hannah’s. It’s all pink and Barbie and princess.

“
Hannah—
”

“I know, I know.” She rolls her eyes. “It’s my night to help with the dishes.”

I dig around through
the shelves in
my closet looking for pajamas. If I’d shown that k
ind of attitude at ten
, my father would have swatted me. He hadn’t been as busy then as he is now.

I grew up in Richland, Washington. We moved to Anchorage when I was 9. My dad got the offer to preach at this church
,
and we left. That’s when he and mom decided it would be a good idea to have a second family’s worth of children.

Alaska is cold. I miss the hot
,
dry summers and shorter winters.
When
I climb into bed, i
t’s barely after eight, but I’m ready for the day to be over. I remember that Zack gave me a few CDs for my trip to Fairbanks
. He made them himself—
mixes of his favorite songs and artists.

I put one in.

The first song is by
Civil Twilight. I like the frantic beat, and
turn up my ra
dio. Hannah’s
still helping
Mom so
my room is my own for another few minutes. Part of me is relieved that I’m stuck home. How can I sit with Zack at his house without saying something to him? There’d be this thing hanging out there, and I really don’t want that. I’ll have to tell him eventually and that will end our odd relationship, as it should. He likes me enough to be offended. I’m once again grateful that he goes to the charter school and not my high school.