My Heart Can't Tell You No (35 page)

“Fuckin’ slut,” he growled then stormed out of the house.

Bob didn’t talk to Maddie for more than a week, and guilt as well as fear made her avoid him. During those first two months she’d seen to it that there were only six bottles of beer in the refrigerator during the day. He’d finish them off in no time, then fall asleep on the chair in front of the television. He never mentioned those days at the old place and the flood—never discussed it. Not until the middle of August when she got up with him before work.

“Bob. We have to talk.” Maddie came into the kitchen, still in her robe.

“We talk.” He put a cup of coffee on the table, then sat down, his muscular thighs pressing against the black cloth of his uniform trousers.

“I know.” He wasn’t going to make it easy for her, and she couldn’t blame him. “But I have something to tell you.”

“Something not for Jackie’s ears I take it.”

“No. Not yet, anyway. Bob, I’m—we’re going to have another baby,” she said hesitantly.

“We?” he almost spat at her. “You mean you’re going to have Joe’s kid again.”

“How can you be so sure it’s Joe’s? We were only together that short time during the flood.”

“Didn’t seem so very short to me.”

“The possibilities of it being Joe’s are . . . .”

“The possibilities of it being his are a helluvva lot better then the possibilities of it being mine!” he threw at her.

“No, not when you consider the amount of times we were together that month,” she said, but the fact was that in total amount, the whole summer with Bob had been less than those few nights with Joe.

“How about when you consider I’m as sterile as an army mule?” He seemed to be taking a crude enjoyment watching her shock as he peered over his cup at her.

“You’re what?” It couldn’t be true. “No you’re not.”

“Afraid so,” he said casually.

“How long have you known?” She felt a cold chill spreading down her spine.

“I’ve known it since I was your age. Why do you think I didn’t mind claiming Jackie as my own? But you can forget about this one. I’ll get you a telephone number for a clinic in Harrisburg. You can make an appointment today.”

“You’ve known for seven years! Seven years, Bob! And you let me go through all those tests!”

“Make an appointment today,” he repeated.

“For
what
?!”

“I don’t want this kid. It was different before. You weren’t married to me at the time. I don’t want my wife carrying another man’s kids, not when you’ve been married to me for over four years. Make an appointment today and get rid of it.”

“No! I will not! I don’t care who the father is. I will not get rid of this baby! It isn’t its fault that it happened. It was my fault, and I’m not taking it out on this child.”

“No! You’ll be taking it out on me!”

“I’m sorry.” She truly was, but she couldn’t abort any baby—even if it was Joe’s. “I’ll leave if you want me to, but I won’t get an abortion.”

“You aren’t going anywhere. If you leave and have that baby everyone will know you were screwing around on me.”

“One time, Bob! One time!”

“Yeah. Good thing he doesn’t come back more often, isn’t it? He’d have ya knocked up as soon as you’d pop one out.”

“That isn’t true,” she said quietly.

“No? Well one of you sure is fertile. Maybe it’s a good thing I am sterile or we’d have four kids by now. Although I doubt it, considering how rarely we have sex.”

“Is it my fault you only want it once every two weeks?!”

“Maddie, when we first got married, I didn’t come to you because I knew you didn’t want me. But that first time, I couldn’t wait any longer. It was the best. You responded as if I were the greatest lover you ever had. But you were pretty damn quick to let me know why, when you called Joe’s name. I didn’t appreciate it, and the next time, when you kept mumbling his name in my ear. After that you didn’t respond at all. If I wanted to make love to something like that I could go down to the morgue.”

“You’re lying. I never called you Joe.”

“Tell me you weren’t pretending I was him those first few times, Maddie! You tell me that and you’ll be lying because you
did
call for him. You were just so far into your own little fantasy that you didn’t even realize it.” He drank down his coffee, then slammed the cup back on the table, unleashing some of the anger he had been holding inside. “Do you know how incompetent I feel having a beautiful wife who’s filled with a passion like I’ve never seen before, and I can’t even get her excited—even once. And don’t tell me that I can; I’m not so ignorant I can’t tell when you’re faking it. Most of the time you don’t even bother doing that.”

“I never faked it,” she murmured.

“Didn’t you? I guess it doesn’t matter much if you did or not. I have to go to work. Are you going to make that appointment?”

“No. What are you going to do?”

“About the baby?” He paused before he went out the door. “If you won’t get rid of it, there isn’t much I can do, is there? I’ll just have two of Joe’s bastards to raise instead of one.”

October 1980

She was almost home from the football game when she looked across the street at her house. There was a dim light coming through the closed door, and, when she mounted the steps, she found it was locked. She tried to look through the window, seeing Bob’s figure lying on the couch, but the dimness of the room wouldn’t allow her to see if he was sleeping or not. She decided to check the back door before trying to wake him. If he was drunk again, it would be a while before her knocking would rouse him. She was quiet as she opened the back door, pulling it closed behind her and finding the kitchen’s ceiling light was on. She had almost made it to the stairs before she heard the voices.

“I love you, Bob.” The female voice sounded strained.

“
Shh
. Not now,” Bob’s voice vibrated.

Maddie slowly took a step around the stairs; the sight of Bob’s bare body on top of someone with short but curvy legs wrapped around his longer, muscular ones, struck her as if she had just run a mile. She watched as Bob clung to the girl, his body moving in a fast rhythm that told her this girl wasn’t holding back on her responses with him.

She stepped back, moved into the kitchen, then almost started laughing hysterically when she realized she didn’t know what to do. It was her husband in the other room, and yet she felt no desire to go in, and break them apart, and create a big scene. As a matter of fact, it didn’t seem to be bothering her at all. After the initial embarrassment and shock, she couldn’t find the anger and jealousy she knew she was supposed to be feeling. She looked around the kitchen counter and found a pack of cigarettes that one of Bob’s friends had left behind, then sat at the table. Lighting one, she waited for the couple in the room to complete what had them so involved that they hadn’t even noticed someone standing at their feet minutes earlier.

She listened to sounds from her husband that he never allowed her hear; orders to the girl to do things that he never asked her to do. Finally she heard silence, then the girl’s attempt to convince Bob that she was deeply in love with him and always would be. He didn’t answer. Maddie heard him move from the couch, and the rustle of clothing.

“Go home now,” he said irritably.

“No. I want to stay with you.”

“You have to go home now. Maddie will be home pretty soon.”

Maddie looked at the clock. She wasn’t due home for another hour and a half. But when she looked back toward the doorway she saw Bob had pulled on his uniform pants. He took a step toward the kitchen with an empty bottle in his hand. He stopped when he saw Maddie, shock spreading across his pale features until he looked half dead. The girl came up behind him, not noticing Maddie as her hands went around his waist.

Maddie moved to the refrigerator. “Coming out for another beer? Let me get it for you. How about her? She want one too?”

The girl’s hands flew away from him in an instant, making her look past Bob to see who belonged to the voice in the kitchen. It was Maddie’s turn to be surprised when she saw the girl was only about fifteen.

“Go home.” Bob’s voice was emotionless as he moved to the beer Maddie had opened for him. The girl hurried back to the room and got dressed, nearly knocking over a lamp in her haste to get out the door. Bob eyed Maddie as he drank heavily from the bottle. “How long have you been out here?”

“About twenty minutes. I came home for a coat for Jackie. I’d better get back to the dike now. Lew’s watching him.” She moved toward the stairs, going to the boy’s bedroom and retrieving a jacket before returning to the kitchen.

“Is that all you’ve got to say?” Bob watched her move toward the door.

“Bob,” she started in exasperation. “What do you want me to say? You were getting what you wanted. That girl gave you more response in one night than you’ve had from me in the past year. If anything makes me mad, it’s that she’s so young. Don’t destroy her just because you’re mad at me. It isn’t her fault. I actually think she believes she’s in love with you. Maybe she is. But don’t take advantage of it.”

“Tell me something, Maddie. Would you have been this calm if you were married to Joe and had walked in on him and another woman?”

“
Girl
, Bob. Remember what she is.” The thought of finding Joe with another woman filled her with pain. She suddenly knew if it had happened that way, she would have tried to kill the girl then done the same to Joe. “Like I said before, you got what you wanted. I think maybe you wanted me to find you. So, now that I’ve found you, what do you want? Divorce?”

“No.”

“Will you go on seeing her? I pray not, for the girl’s sake, not mine or yours.”

“All right. I won’t see
her
anymore if that’s what you want.”

“But there will be others,” she concluded from the tone he was using. He didn’t answer. “I’ll start packing tonight.”

“No! You can’t!” He moved toward her, grabbing her arms and pulling her against him, hugging her tightly, desperately. “You can’t!”

“Bob, I have to go back to Lew and Jackie. I’ll be back. After that, I just don’t know.”

“Please, Maddie. I’ll stop. I won’t do it anymore.” His begging irritated her as she pulled away from him and started out the door.

“I’ll be back after the game.”

She left him in the kitchen, doubting very much if he would ever stop.