My Life in Darkness (2 page)
Read My Life in Darkness Online
Authors: Harrison Drake
If it wasn’t for him and his money I wouldn’t be able to see you. He likes coming to the eclipses but he does it for my mom more than anything. It’s really important to her, well, I guess for the same reason it’s important to me.
The next one is too remote for us to go to, maybe you’ll go, I don’t know. I don’t think anyone has it planned.
Only a minute and forty-nine seconds this time. I hope it will hold me.
FEBRUARY 26, 1998
Dear Lena,
Today is the day. Today is the day I will talk to you. And there are a lot of reasons for that. First of all, I’m nineteen now. Today’s my birthday, which is really cool but kind of weird too. (I’ll get to that in a minute.) I know I should be out drinking with my friends—I can buy alcohol now, only have to be nineteen in Canada—but there’s two problems with that. I don’t have any friends and I don’t want to buy alcohol. I’m scared of it. Scared it will make me feel like someone else, scared that I’ll like it too much. I hate being me.
Du er vakker. Jeg ser du smiler og det gjør meg lykkelig. Om natten, jeg ser din gylne hår og dine smaragd øynene når jeg sover. Jeg tenker på deg hele tiden.
I hope I got that right. It was supposed to be:
You are beautiful. I see you smile and it makes me happy. At night, I see your golden hair and your emerald eyes when I sleep. I think about you all the time.
I listened to so many languages until I found the right one. Norwegian. I should have just looked at where your name was from. Probably would have been easier. And I’m usually smart! So, in the almost three years since I saw you last I’ve been teaching myself your language.
I told you I’d talk to you today. Here goes nothing.
Shit. I guess I waited too long. I’m such a loser. And he seems like every guy who beats up on me. He’s tall, he’s athletic and he’s a lot better looking than I could ever be. I just hope he’s nice to you, you deserve it.
I thought that things were meant to be for us. I figured you had to be a part of my destiny. It just made sense. I know, I’m getting weird again but I’ve been wanting to tell you this for a long time. There’s a reason we always come to the eclipses and it has to be the same reason why I like the darkness so much.
I was born in it.
There was an eclipse nineteen years ago today, we lived in Winnipeg, Manitoba then. My mom was in the hospital when the eclipse hit and I was born at 16:48:07 Universal Time—the moment of maximum eclipse. And now there’s another eclipse on my nineteenth birthday. My mom said it was in the morning and there were a lot of people who knew the eclipse was coming but still enough that didn’t to cause at least a little bit of confusion. It started getting darker and darker outside and I was born during the totality.
It makes me think there’s some connection, that I have some destiny or something that has to do with the eclipses. Maybe that’s why I don’t care about partials. If it’s not total and solar, I’m not interested. I mean, I’ll look at them, or at lunar ones, if they happen near where we live (we’re in Toronto, Ontario now—still in Canada, but you probably know where Toronto is) but I won’t travel for them. Neither will mom.
I looked up eclipses that have happened or will later on this day. The last one happened in 1626 and the next one won’t be until 2715. That has to mean something. Two in nineteen years, the first the day I was born?
Like I said, it has to be why I like the darkness so much. And why I thought we’d be perfect together. I was born in the darkness and you seem to like it, too.
It’s almost time, getting too dark to see now. See you in three minutes and twenty-three seconds.
AUGUST 11, 1999
Dear Lena,
Another year older and still nothing’s changed. I see you and your boyfriend are still together. I’m sorry, I must sound jealous. I guess I am a little bit.
I’m in my second year of university now, studying computer science at MacMaster University in Hamilton. Not far from home, but far enough to get away from everything there. I’ve made a couple of friends, just some people I can hang out with. We play videogames and
Magic: The Gathering
when we can, but most of the time we’re working on computers. I’m almost done making my own game, something I’ll put on the internet when it’s done.
I learned how to make websites a while ago, maybe I can make one for our umbraphile group—us few eclipse chasers. Might make getting together easier, not that it’s ever been much of a problem.
We always seem to find each other.
It’s been really hard being away from home. I’ve had to change so many routines and that’s not something I’m good at. But I guess it’s going okay. I don’t get yelled at for being on the computer all the time, which is nice. And I guess now there’s no one telling me what to do and how to do it. Maybe this will be better.
I wonder what you’re doing now, I mean, are you going to university? I know it sounds weird but I feel like you would be, for something big I bet. It’s just, when I look into your eyes, even from far away, I can see something in there. I don’t know how to describe it but it’s like you’re really in there. I don’t see that in a lot of peoples’ eyes. When I look at them, I don’t see anything. But you and I, we have the same light in our eyes.
I haven’t told anyone about you, about this. I know people would think it was weird, like it was an obsession or something creepy like that. It’s not, really. There’s just something about you that makes me happy, something that makes me feel normal. And that’s enough for me. And writing these letters to you, it’s a chance for me to get all my feelings, about you, about me, about everything, on paper and out of my head where they just make me depressed. I hope my life will get better, I really do. But it’s never felt that way. Some people just have it easy-I know I’ll have to work for whatever comes my way.
But you’ll be there for me—in spirit, of course. I can always think of you when times get tough, when I get feeling down. And if that’s all you ever give me, maybe that’s enough. It’s more than I’ve ever been given by anyone else.
I want you to know I’m happy for you. Even if I don’t like the guy, even if I am jealous, I’m happy that you look so happy.
Until next time, I guess. Two twenty-three. Here we go again.
Oh, and don’t worry about that Y2K stuff. It’s all bullshit. Take it from a computer geek.
JUNE 21, 2001
Dear Lena,
I can’t believe how much has changed in two years. Things have gone really well for me but it’s made things worse. That game I was telling you about? Well, I put it on the internet and everyone loves it. And now, I’ve got more money than I ever thought possible, all by selling add-ons to go with a free game. It’s amazing, I’m twenty-two and a multi-millionaire. You’d think life would be great.
But my dad seems angry about it. I think he decided a long time ago I would never be successful, especially not the way he wanted me to be. I wasn’t athletic, I wasn’t strong enough to work construction, and I didn’t understand his job. I tried it one summer and couldn’t do anything. I can’t swing a hammer, paint, hang drywall, do anything right.
Just computers.
He hasn’t seemed happy for me, I think he’s jealous. He’s always hated me for the way I am and he kept trying to change me, to get me off of the computer and out to the soccer field or something. And now I’ve made a fortune off of that thing he hates so much. More than he’ll ever make even with his company-and it brings in a lot of money.
I bought my own house a while ago and dropped out of school. Not dropped out, left I guess. Retired? It’s not like I’ll need it anymore. The house is a big place in downtown Toronto. I invited my parents to come for dinner one night, I had to order in—I can’t cook very well either. My dad had too much to drink and wouldn’t speak to me, he just kept saying things under his breath, calling me ‘fat’ and a ‘geek’. I don’t know what came over me, but I yelled at him. I swore. I told him to stop.
He hit me again.
Hard this time, right in the cheek. My mom was crying, trying to get him to stop but he came at me again. I hit him. I’ve never hit anyone in my life and I didn’t even know I could. But I did. There’s no way I hurt him. Not physically anyway. But he held his mouth and there was so much pain in his eyes. I wanted to die right there.
He didn’t say anything, he just grabbed his things, took my mother by the wrist and they left. I haven’t talked to him since, but mom still calls me almost every day. I don’t know where I’d be without her. She’s so proud of me, of everything I’ve done.
That’s why she’s here right now and he’s not. I don’t want to know how many fights they had about it, but she told me she was coming even if she had to divorce him to do it.
That’s enough about me, I don’t want to get tears on your letter. How are things with you? Your boyfriend isn’t here, could he not come or did things not work out? I hope everything’s okay. Like I said before, I just want you to be happy. But you’re smiling right now… smiling at me.
I can barely write my hand is shaking so much. You just walked right over here like it was nothing and talked to me, asked me how I was doing. I’ve been trying to do that for thirteen years. But then again, maybe you have too.
I didn’t say anything to you in Norwegian, it would have been too much. But I’ve been practicing. I still can’t believe you came over. There was so much I wanted to say but it was hard to even just answer your questions. “No, my dad couldn’t make it.” I didn’t want to tell you why. “Yes, I’ll be at Kruger next year.” “Yes, I love the eclipses and I’ll go every time I can.” Your English is very good, and your accent is beautiful. Are you studying English in university? Or have you moved somewhere to study?
Maybe next time I can ask you those questions. Or maybe, just maybe, the darkness will give me the strength I need today to talk to you when the eclipse passes. I’m not holding my breath, I know all too well how much of a failure I am. But it is four minutes and thirty-one seconds of darkness. That should fill me up for a while.
It sucks. I looked into future eclipses and there won’t be any in our lifetime over the seven-minute mark. Definitely nothing close to the maximum of seven thirty-one. That would be incredible, something I’d love to see. But it’s not for us I guess. Of course, I’d also love to see a total lunar eclipse from the moon. Now that would be amazing, although I doubt I’ll live long enough to see lunar travel become reality.
I can’t wait for Kruger, I’ve always wanted to go there. It will be amazing seeing a spectacle of nature while surrounded by nature. I always wonder what the animals think when an eclipse comes. Is it frightening for them, or do they feel the way I do? Just imagine though, not knowing anything about it and all of a sudden the sky goes dark and the sun disappears.
I guess that’s why eclipses terrified people in early times, why they were usually considered bad omens.
Maybe that’s why I was born under one.
KRUGER NATIONAL PARK, SOUTH AFRICA
DECEMBER 4, 2002
Dear Lena,
It’s incredible here. The safari we all went on, the animals we got to see, it was breathtaking. They seemed on edge yesterday though, I wonder if somehow they knew. I’ve heard that animals can sense natural disasters, running before an earthquake and that. Can they sense an eclipse? Do they know it’s coming?
I still haven’t spoken to my dad. Or more like he hasn’t spoken to me. I’ve left messages for him, e-mailed him, even written him letters, but he wants nothing to do with me. I don’t go to the house, I’m afraid to. My mom always comes to visit me instead. She’s here again-she wouldn’t miss an eclipse.
It’s been hard not speaking to him—almost two years now-but maybe it’s been for the best, too. He never supported me in anything I did. I just want to share my success with him. But he won’t even admit that I’m successful, he hates me for it.
I have to forget about him, it hurts me so much to think about him, to think about what I did. I still can’t believe I hit him. Christmas is coming and I know my mom finds it awkward. She doesn’t talk about him to me, I don’t know if that’s his decision or hers. But she’ll come over on Christmas and we’ll visit. I’ve hired someone to help me cook and get dinner ready to go the day before—I’m trying to learn… it’s not going well. She’ll help me prepare everything so I just have to put it in the oven on Christmas Day.
Hopefully I won’t screw that one up.
The sun is slowly disappearing right now, we still have some time to go before another minute twenty-five of peace. I know what I need to do and I’m trying to build myself up for it. We talked last time. I mean, you talked to me and I basically just answered. Maybe today I can start the conversation, ask you some questions.
I won’t see you for almost four years, so if I’m going to do it, now’s the time. The next eclipse can only be seen from Antarctica, or the Southern Ocean by boat. It’s costing me a small fortune but I’ve managed to get someone to fly me in to McMurdo Base, and then out to Victoria Land where I can see the eclipse the best.
It’ll be a hell of a lot of work, money and danger just to feel alive for another minute and fifty-seven seconds. I may not even get to see it, it all depends on the weather. I don’t know if I want to go four years without talking to you again.
I did it. I can’t believe I did it. I just walked right up to you and said ‘hello’. Studying at Oxford must be amazing, and your English is getting very good. I’ve always wanted to go to England. And it was nice to learn where you’re from. I knew Norway, obviously, but Gjøvik, I’d never heard of that city. Close to Oslo though, you said. I’ll have to look it up.