My Lost Daughter (59 page)

Alex picked up a damp washcloth from a bowl of water by the bed and began moving it slowly over her breasts and stomach. He washed the tears off her face, then lifted each foot and washed it. “When they take you to a funeral home, they clean and prepare your body. I've already prepared Shana.”

Lily was beyond fear now, in another range of emotion that was
pure intent. Even when he was moving the washcloth over her body, he kept the gun at his side.

Now, she told herself, go for it now. He was distracted, lost in his thoughts. Just as she was about to grab the gun, Alex stepped back and the opportunity was gone. He pulled something out of his pocket.

“Sit up so I can put this necklace on you. When we leave, I want you to look like a queen. I already have my princess, but I needed a queen.”

She still had to find a way to get her hands on the gun, so she sat there like a mannequin as he put the necklace on her, then a bracelet, and finally a diamond ring that he placed on her left hand. The jewelry couldn't be real as the stones were too large and would have cost a fortune. Regardless, she might be able to use the ring as a weapon. When he finished, it was a macabre spectacle. She was completely exposed and decked out with jewelry while her daughter's partially naked body was only an arm's reach away.

This was a dream, she told herself, another nightmare. Any minute she would wake up and find herself in her bed with Chris beside her. She always had nightmares when she was under stress.

Alex was slipping another ring on her finger, pushing it past her knuckle. He had dropped down to his knees beside the bed. She tried to lie down, thinking she would have a better chance of getting the gun, but Alex placed a hand behind her and lifted her back up.

He stood and leveled the gun at her. “I never had a bride, a wedding, or a family of my own. Now Shana's going to be my bride and you can be my second bride. In paradise, you can have as many wives as you want.”

“There's still time, Alex,” Lily said. “I can leave Chris and marry you. Then we'll all be a family. We can run away somewhere where no one will find us. Everyone thinks you're dead so no one will be looking for you.”

“No,” he said. “You're lying. You don't care about me. We have to go now before the police find us.”

Lily made the sign of the cross over her chest. “As I walk through
the valley of death,” she said, squeezing her eyes closed, “I will fear no evil. Thy rod and thy staff will comfort me, my cup . . .”

She waited for the bullet to tear into her flesh, waited for the darkness, prayed that Shana would somehow be waiting for her on the other side.

Nothing happened and her eyes sprang open.

Alex's hand was trembling. A line of perspiration appeared on his forehead. She remembered the newspaper article Shana had shown her and the statements Alex had made to the police about not being able to follow through on his end of the suicide pact. “Give me the gun,” she said firmly. “You can't do it. You didn't kill yourself before and you can't now. To make it up to Jennifer, you have to go first.”

He stared at her, the gun jumping as he tried to steady it.

If Shana was alive, Lily knew of only one way to save her. She had to talk Alex into killing himself. If she wasn't successful, she had to find another way to make certain her daughter was the last person standing. As long as she knew Shana had a chance to survive, she would willingly die. Her primary objective, however, was to shame Alex into taking his own life.

“You let Jennifer down, Alex. You shot her and then went back on your word. Killing either me or Shana won't absolve you. I'm a Catholic and we know about these things. You won't even make it to purgatory, let alone paradise.” He was listening. She had his full attention. “Do you know what Hell is? Hell is repetition. How would you like to relive the worst day of your life through all eternity? Maybe that's what you've been doing. The reason you keep returning to that day with Jennifer is because you murdered her, Alex. When you didn't follow through with your end of the bargain, what you did to Jennifer changed from mercy to homicide. In the eyes of God, taking a human life is a grave sin, a sin punishable by eternal damnation.”

“I have to die first?” he said, blinking rapidly. “But I want us to go together. I don't want to die alone. Once I kill myself, you'll just call the police.”

“You're wrong, Alex,” she told him, her voice soft and consoling.
“I'm afraid the police will send me back to prison. I went to prison for killing a man. Shana would never tell you, of course, but it's true. I'm the one who should have gone to Whitehall, not Shana. Everyone thinks I'm crazy, even Shana. I was delusional when I let them commit Shana. Don't you understand? I'm schizophrenic. I hear voices. I want to die every bit as much as you do.”

“Will you hold me?”

“Yes,” Lily said, her eyes brimming with tears. “I promise, Alex.” Overwhelmed by sadness, she couldn't help but pity him for his tortured life. Shifting her gaze to Shana, she knew if she was already dead, killing Alex wouldn't bring her back. But she couldn't worry about that now. If Alex killed himself, his death would be on her conscience and she would have to carry that burden the rest of her life, just like she had Bobby Hernandez. If she waited, stalled him, the police might find them and take him into custody. But she couldn't take that chance, not when her daughter's life was at stake.

Turning his back to her, Alex crossed the room. Lily watched as he picked up a syringe and the same drug he had injected her with earlier. She could run, try to escape. What if he was preparing the shot for her or for Shana? Her question was answered when she saw him stab the needle into a vein in his arm. He quickly refilled the syringe and injected himself again. Glancing back over his shoulder at Lily, his lips curled in a weak smile of satisfaction. He continued injecting himself until the vial was empty and he clumsily reached for another small bottle on the dresser and repeated the process until that vial was empty as well.

Alex's left arm was smeared with his own blood. Already weaving and stumbling, his eyelids turned into slits, he tried to make it to the bed but collapsed on the floor. “Hold me. Please hold me. It will be fast.”

Lily got out of the bed and placed her hand under his head, bringing it to her chest. He was harmless now. She started to get up to check on Shana but something held her in place. She felt as if she had somehow slipped inside his mind, become a part of him. They were engulfed in silence.

Time stood still.

She held him and stroked his hair, gazing at his face. She didn't move or speak. Her mind was filled to capacity with the event she was witnessing. When his hand opened and the gun fell out, she made no attempt to retrieve it.

“Please,” he said, his voice just above a whisper, “tell me you love me.”

“I love you, Alex.” Her chest was rising and falling with emotion. She glanced at Shana and then back at Alex. Never in her life had she felt such pain, such pathos, and it wasn't just for Shana, it was for the man in her arms.

His eyes closed. The anguish disappeared from his face and he looked peaceful. She rocked him in her arms until it was over, until his body was still and he was no longer breathing.

Before her eyes, Lily saw something, a flash of light so bright that it took her breath away. Her body was flooded with a sense of serenity and exquisite beauty. As fast as it had come, it left. She wrapped a sheet around her body and rushed to her daughter's side.

 

Shana opened her eyes to her mother's face and a room full of people: police officers, paramedics, two FBI agents, along with several detectives with their badges hooked to their belts.

Before Lily had a chance to dial 911, the police had burst through the doors with their weapons drawn. They made an attempt to resuscitate Alex but it proved futile. The narcotics had suppressed his respiratory system and he was pronounced dead at the scene.

The paramedics had given Shana a shot of adrenaline, bringing her out of the narcotics-induced stupor. “Mom,” she said weakly, looking around the room. “Where am I?”

“You're safe, sweetheart.” Lily was wearing her nightgown and Chris had given her his jacket. She had a sheet wrapped around her lower body. “It's over. We're in an apartment down the street from our house. Alex is gone. I was so afraid. You'll never know.”

Shana tried to sit up but one of paramedics insisted she remain prone. “Just rest,” he said. “You've had a rough time.” The man
turned to Lily. “I think she suffered a mild concussion because she has an abrasion on the back of her head. From the tracks on her arm, the suspect must have been injecting her either with the Demerol or the morphine we found. We want to transport her to the ER and have her checked, but she'll be fine.”

Chris looked down at Shana and stroked her arm. “We had every cop in L.A. looking for you and your mother. I'm glad you're all right. I was worried about you.”

“Where is Alex?” Shana said, looking around the room.

“He's gone, honey,” Lily told her, exchanging glances with Chris. “He'll never hurt you again.”

“He's dead, isn't he?”

“Yes, but that's what he wanted. He didn't suffer.”

Shana turned away. Lily moved to the other side of the bed and saw she was crying. “I-I feel stupid,” she stammered. “I don't know why I'm crying. It's sad, you know? He wasn't really that bad a person. When I was at Whitehall, he took care of me, kept me from going nuts. He was just fucked up, Mom. He got messed up with the drugs, I guess.”

“I know,” Lily said, bending down close to her face. “It's sad, but Alex hurt a lot of people. The drugs were only a fraction of the problem. He was going to kill you, kill both of us. He would have never been normal, and he would have spent the rest of his life in prison for the crimes he committed.” She brought Shana's hand to her mouth and tenderly kissed it, trying not to cry. “I wouldn't have been able to bear it if he'd hurt you. Thank God you're all right.”

Shana blinked back the tears. “I want to go home. I don't want to go to the hospital. Can't we go home?”

“Not until they check you out.” Lily turned to Chris and he stepped up beside her, placing his arm around her waist. “From now on, everything's going to be fine. Chris and I are going to be with you every step of the way, helping you get your life back on track.”

“I'm down for the count, kid,” Chris said. “Just don't sneak out of the house anymore or I might have to spank you.”

Lily glared at him but Shana was smiling. “Are you kidding? I'm never going out at night alone again. You don't have to threaten me. I'm not an idiot. If I can't sleep, I'll read a book or something. I was scared shitless.”

The police officers stepped out of the room so the paramedics could lift Shana onto a stretcher and carry her to the ambulance. Once she was strapped onto the gurney, she gestured for her mother to come closer. “You saved me again, didn't you? Don't tell me you didn't because I know better. I couldn't move, but toward the end, I was going in and out of consciousness and I could hear. You talked Alex into killing himself. He finally got what he wanted. Think of all the lives you may have saved. If they had awards for mothers, you'd win every one of them.”

“You're imagining you heard something but you didn't,” Lily lied. “The only thing that matters is that you're all right.” She leaned even closer and whispered something else in her ear. Shana looked up at the paramedic and smiled, then turned back to Lily. “I agree. I'll get right on it.”

Once the paramedics loaded Shana into the ambulance, Chris asked, “What did you tell her?”

“I told her the paramedic was gorgeous and that she should give him her number. She agreed. Now that I think of it, that would make Shana a real ambulance chaser.”

Both of them laughed and then Chris hugged her, lifting her feet off the ground. “After all this, you got me to laugh. You're amazing, Lily.”

“Of course I am,” she said. “If I wasn't, I would have never caught you.”

The window in the apartment was open and Lily walked over to it, staring out over the ocean. There was no breeze and the water was perfectly still, shimmering in the morning sunlight. Paradise, Alex had said. Like most people, whether they admitted it or not, Lily wanted to believe as much as Alex. She wanted to believe there was a second chance, a paradise, something waiting for them on the other side. Maybe he had made it, she thought, and was right
that minute standing in a green celestial garden with Jennifer, the only person he'd ever loved.

“Lily,” Chris called to her from the door. “We need to go. We told Shana we'd meet her at the hospital. If we don't get down there fast, she might hitch a ride with an ax murderer.”

Although she'd heard him, Lily couldn't pull herself away from the window. She was watching the water, focusing on one enormous wave as it gathered far out at sea and rolled rapidly toward the shore. On the beach, a flock of seagulls circled and then landed. While the rest of the gulls searched for crumbs left by sunbathers, one gull took flight and soared straight up. Her eyes followed it until it disappeared on the horizon.

“I was just thinking about Alex,” she said, walking over to Chris. “I think his death was the easiest thing he'd ever done and at the same time, his greatest achievement.”

Chris waited as Lily walked through the door of the small apartment and then followed her. “The way I see it, the maniac got what he deserved. I'm just thankful it's over and that you and Shana are safe.”

“He believed in paradise.” Lily stopped and glanced back at the apartment. “For just a moment, I think I was actually there.”

“Where?” he said, anxious to leave.

“The other side.”