My Most Precious One (29 page)

Somewhere Not Here

It had been a week since I had moved in completely. Furniture check. Internet check. Integrated speakers check. Wine rack stocked and full ready for me to drink, check. I had just finished a long shift at Stella’s, thank god for her. I figured I needed baby steps to getting back into the real world and at least getting some of my confidence back. I gave myself permission to cry about my Lukas once a day, the tears lessened each time.

Today was a special day I needed to get a little drunk. Roxi and Kaci offered to stay with me, but I didn’t want them to. Today I wanted to let go of everything. It was a year ago today that I had gotten into a relationship with Lukas Blakk. It would have been today that I would have married him. Funny how things happen, one minute you’re in the happiest place you’ve ever been in and the next you’re in a living hell.

I busied myself with preparing some food, which I wasn’t probably going to eat. I had lost about fifteen pounds in the last three months, my appetite hadn’t really come back yet, but I figured after today everything would change. I put on the entire album of Alpha, one of my favorite trip hop bands out there. The song Somewhere Not Here began to play and the tight little knots that I had so carefully placed around my heart began to unravel. The lyrics hit so close to home that it nearly broke me just hearing them, but I didn’t change the song, rather I sat with my glass of wine and a table full of food and listened.

“I remember when you came,

I can just recall that day,

Unexpected, undetected.”

I brought my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them holding my glass of wine.

“A paradise, within your eyes,

All the things I could tell you,

All the things I could show you”

I leaned to one side listening to the song, my heart aching for his touch, even though I knew his touch now would only wither my heart away. Maybe that’s what I wanted. Maybe that’s what I need, just to wither away into nothingness.

“You’re my waking fault,
You’re the smile on my lips,
I dream I see your face,
I see and dream of you
”

I brought the wine to my lips and gulped it down. I poured myself another and did the same. I wanted to mask the pain. To hide the evidence that he still existed. Yet here I was listening to sad music and crying. Only for today because tomorrow I was going to be different, tomorrow was a dawn of a new day in my life, sans Lukas.

You were safe and warm,
I was in your hands,
We were moved in time,
To another space,
Somewhere, not here,

I heard a knock at my door, shit it must have been the music. It wasn’t the first time this week I was told to keep it down.

“I know, I know.” I said as I opened the door. “I’m sorry. I know the music is a little too loud. I’ll try to keep it down.” I stood frozen. My blood ran cold and my body stood still.

“Alexia.” Lukas’ voice was rough and low almost like rugged murmur.

“You always said that this song reminded you of me and of us.” He said again.

Instinctive I slammed the door, but he put his foot out stopping it from closing. I tried pushing it shut, but he was stronger than me. He pushed the door open almost making me fall.

“Close the door Alexia.” He ordered his voice still rough and low.

The song still played as we both stood in my new home. I contemplated leaving. I was calculating how long it would take me until he caught up to me.

“Don’t bother. Jacob is downstairs. There’s nowhere for you to go.” He said loud enough that it nearly drowned out the song I had loved so much until he showed up in my life and fucked it all up. I gave up and slowly closed the door.

“Look at me.” He ordered again. But instead of listening to him and following his orders, I began to laugh and snicker. Tears stung my eyes as strong defiance inside me grew. He stood quiet as I began to laugh hysterically. I collapsed onto the floor, my mind and body confused with the conflicting emotions I was feeling.

“You have to be kidding me right?” I said laughing.

I slowly stood up holding onto the door to keep myself steady. I turned around and glared at him. He looked perfect, not one ounce of him had changed. Meanwhile, I was nothing but a ghost of who I was. My perfect billionaire Suit watched me as I laughed and cried.

“You came in here, into my new little home and already you’re ordering me around? Who the hell do you think you are?” I asked.

“You left me without one word and you think you have rights to asked about who the hell am I?” He roared. All the air in me escaped and I was left trying to catch my breath.

“Today I was going to marry you, today I was going to pledge my fucken life to you, but you left me. You are the one who left ME!” He began to yell.

“You know why I left!” I fired back.

“Fine, I made a mistake, but you didn’t have to throw me away like I was nothing to you!” He barked.

“You decided on your own to control and rule my life. You had no right to do that Lukas! Do you have any idea how humiliating and degrading that was? Have you any clue how it feels to wake up one morning and be told the dream you had was just that, a fucken dream. You used money to buy me a life. You didn’t even give me that chance to grow or learn. You decided it all on your own. Like I was some sort of child that needed protecting.” I screamed.

“I did it because I loved you.” He roared. Loved? I began to cry uncontrollably.

“I’m stronger than what you think, but no, you took it upon yourself to fix it without me knowing. I walked everyday in that fucken museum with my head held high, thinking my efforts got me there, but it was all you. You, who threw some money at them taking away my pride and my confidence, making me some kind of charity case.” My eyes blurred and I couldn’t see him properly. I could feel my body shaking.

“Alexia?” Lukas said in a panic. The room around me began to spin. “I need to sit.” I tried moving around but Lukas moved in closer and picked me up, holding me close.

“Let me go” I said meekly. But he ignored me. He placed me slowly onto the couch.

I barely remember him leaving me and getting me water, but he held a glass for me to take. I tried to take it, but my hands shook too much. He lifted it to my lips and made me drink it.

“You haven’t eaten.” He quietly seethed.

“At least I still feel.” I began to beat my chest slowly remembering his remark about how he had loved me. Past tense. Then why the fuck is he here?

“Why are you even here? You loved me once, it was enough, no?” I asked completely defeated now. I looked up to see his shoulders had dropped.

“You think you’re the only one who is broken? I was going to marry you today. You were my dream come true. You think I don’t have a fucken clue? Have you any idea how it feels to know I fucked it up so badly that you had to leave. I was so fucken angry at you. You said no matter what we were to never leave, but you fucken left. You left me alone, in our home. In our world. I came home and found your ring on my nightstand. I tried calling only to find your phone in the closet, where you took the clothes that only you bought. It was like you tried to erase me from your life, like I meant nothing to you.” He voice cracked and he began to cry.

“I’m sorry.” I said quietly.

“I was wrong to do that. I should have stayed and confronted you, but I was so hurt and humiliated. I felt like everything was just an illusion, like our love was fake somehow.” I sobbed.

There we were, two broken souls ripped apart, so shredded that neither one of us knew what to do about it.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Alexia I should have… I should have told you the truth and let you figure out your own path and supported you with whatever decision you wanted. But instead…” I interrupted him.

“You ripped my wings off and made a cage for me to live in.” I wiped my tears away, my crying slowly stopping.

Lukas reached out and slowly feathered the skin of my arm.

“Alexia.” He whispered.

“So I guess it’s over.” I choked out.

“Alexia.” His breathing became erratic. He grabbed onto my arm and pulled me to him. He looked down at me, his blue eyes looked like the ocean with his lashes wet from tears that had began to shed. He brought his hands to my face and held me close.

“I’m sorry for what I had done. Never again will I ever do something like that, but please don’t you dare ever tell me its over.” I held his gaze.

“You said you loved me Lukas.” I sobbed. He let out a breath.

“How can you ever doubt the love I have for you. You might think that I have all the power in this relationship, but it is you who owns me. It’s you that makes my heart beat.” I reached up to touch his face but Lukas pulled back.

“I know I was wrong Alexia. But I did it to help you because I never wanted you to hurt. I wanted to give you your dreams just like you gave me mine.” He stopped what he was saying and let me go. He stood up and walked away from me.

I watched as my Suit reached the middle of my new living room.

“I might have money, I might have power. But you Alexia, you hold all the cards. I realize now how much you own me. I love you Alexia. I love you more than anything in this world and I would have proven it to you had you not left.” He said grimly.

“I left because I felt betrayed. I was humiliated.” I whispered.

“I know.” He said flatly.

“But you left me. We were supposed to be a family, Alexia. You and I against the world, but you are the one who left. You should have stayed and fought with me, made me grovel, but you broke your word and decided I wasn’t enough.” He said gruffly, his voice cracking.

“What are you saying?” I felt the pit of my stomach falling and knots only growing.

“I’m saying I came back because I couldn’t be apart from you anymore.” The moment I heard his words I rose from my seat and nearly ran to him, but Lukas moved away from me.

“Lukas?” I said softly.

“But I realize now, I’m still too fucken angry at you. I’m sorry Alexia. I shouldn’t have come here.” Lukas turned his back and continued to the door.

“Lukas? Lukas?” I ran to him grabbing hold of him.

“Stop Alexia.” He choked out.

“No you stop. You’re the one who started all this!” I cried out.

“No, it was you who did this to us.” He said and walked out.

I was left alone with the soft music of Alpha playing in the background. The sorrowful sounds surrounded me as I stood stunned at what just had happened.

My Suit didn’t fight for me, but rather he left still upset at my betrayal for leaving him. We had both wronged each other. Now how were we going to ever find our way back to our world?

Cosmic Girl

It took a month before my father came and told me off.

“Is this what I raised you for? To be a coffee girl? I sent you to school to learn something. Fine, it didn’t work out, but you still have your brains. Use them because watching you do this to yourself is killing me.” My father berated me as he walked around my condo looking at my things.

“I usually let your mother handle you because I know you hardly listen to her because you used to have a good head on your shoulders, but I think your head is up your ass lately.” He continued to swear at me in Greek.

It was normal, my father and I have good relationship and the man knew me better than anyone.

“Get off your ass, Alexia and do something or else I will make it so that you work for your uncles in their restaurants.” He threatened knowing full well I hated working for my family.

“I know dad.” I said quietly.

“Where is your fire? It’s as though you left it somewhere. Is it with Lukas? Alexia, you left him, so stop licking your wounds and own your decisions.” He said in a serious tone. I half chuckled, knowing he was right.

I spent the whole month thinking what a fucken idiot I was. I had gotten mad at Lukas a few times during our relationship telling him that no matter what, we were in it together and that even if one crosses the line, we should talk it over. But I didn’t even do that, I left. I left the life I was building with him. Yes I did feel like I was right to do so, but it was the cowardly way in which I did it that marred my heart and soul.

In the back of my mind I thought Lukas would come after me, knowing he was wrong and would try to make it better, but instead he was the one angry with me for betraying my word and promises to him. These were the choices I made for myself.

My father left me alone to think about what I was going to do with my life. He actually gave me one more week to think about it. The empty threat from him meant that he cared and I started to wonder what the fuck I was going to do with myself.

“I don’t understand you?” Stella was pouring her coffee beans into the grinder. She was going to try a new coffee that her favorite supplier had gotten.

“You always had different dreams. Ok the archaeologist part stuck the most, but you always had backup plans, what’s the difference now?” She asked.

Stella was totally over my bumming around and to tell you the truth so was I. I missed the old Alexia who didn’t give a fuck and did what she wanted when she want. It was high time I start looking for her again.

“Fine! Fine! What is this? The intervention month? Every single one of you has confronted me about my life. I’m going to get out of here, so don’t worry your little ass.” I fired back.

“There’s my girl! Where the fuck has she been the last four months?” Stella laughed.

“Licking her wounds.” I admitted.

“Are you done yet? Cause the new you sucks sweaty monkey balls!” She frowned.

“Yeah I think I’m done now.” I smirked at her comment.

“Good. Now get off your sorry ass and go get me some espresso beans.”

The day went quick which was a change since I had gotten back to Montréal. Every day seemed like a slow death without Lukas in it, but now I had no choice but to rely on myself and what I was going to do with the rest of my life.

I had decided that after work I was going to the liquor commission to pick up another bottle of wine. I just wanted a glass of the new South African wine that had come in. I unwrapped my ear buds and pressed play on my iPod and Jamiroquai’s Cosmic Girl began to play. Without realizing it, I began to bob my head to the music, maybe things were starting to change.

“Which wine should we get?” I overheard an elderly couple talking to each other. They kept pointing to different wines and I knew they had no clue what they were doing.

“I’m sorry to bother you, but I couldn’t help but overhear that you were stuck on which bottle of wine you wanted. If you’d like I can help you?” I offered. The older lady smiled.

“Please I’m completely clueless when it comes to wine. I wanted a good French bottle and my husband keeps pointing at these ones.” She pointed at the rack that had the most expensive wine in the store. I got the idea they had money and it didn’t bother them to spend it.

“If you’d like my opinion you shouldn’t spend anything over twenty dollars for a good bottle of wine. Here.” I reached down and picked up a bottle of J. P. Chenet Reserve Pinot Noir.

“It’s smooth going down. I always recommend anything from Pays d’Oc. The flavours are very earthy, with a mix of plums and vanilla, a very complex flavour and the price is good too.” I smiled.

She took the bottle from me and examined it. “You must really know about wine.” she said smiling.

“I do.” I admitted. She thanked me and told her husband how helpful I was. That’s when I remembered the one thing that I always wanted to do when I knew that my archaeology dream was just a hobby I had.

I rifled through my bag and found my phone, I scrolled down the numbers and found the one I wanted. I pressed call and it rang once.

“Yeah dad? I know what I want to do now.”

All I needed was a good location and for that I needed my cousin Maria.

“Bitch! I need you to find me a dream place. Something in Old Montréal.” I smiled as I watched her shake her head.

“You’re crazy you know that right? You’re giving me how many weeks to do this?” She asked.

“I’m giving you three, four tops because I love you. I need to do this now. I wasted too much time living in limbo to want to waste another day.” I winked.

“I’ll find a commercial space just for my little cousin that I love so much. But I want you to know you’re a fucken pain in my ass.” She huffed.

“Either way you will always love me bitch.” I laughed.

“I better get preferred treatment in you bar.” She pointed at me.

“Of course you will.” I lied.

“You’re lying, I know you.” She accused.

“Then why ask?” I shrugged.

It had been a while since I had been this excited about something. It was exactly what I wanted now. I finally found a sense of happiness that I thought was lost to me. It’s not to say that the hole in my chest which was named Lukas was gone. The pain of losing him was far more intense than I ever thought. But I hadn’t seen nor spoken to him in over a month and it was now over four months that we had not been together. My life still needed to move forward and I couldn’t just leave the shambles of my world that used to include Lukas to waste away. I was stronger now, better, I had finally found my voice again and I wasn’t going to let a broken soul get in the way of me moving on.

“OH MY GOD! I CAN’T WAIT!” Roxi yelled at the top of her lungs every time I spoke to her.

“So have you seen the designers yet?” She asked with such enthusiasm that it excited me more about my project.

“Yeah I just finished with them.” I said looking over the plans to my new place.

The only help I allowed my dad was that he co-sign the lease and the loan at the bank. I had the money from all the years I worked and the money I made in New York. It was enough to get me half of the money I needed from the bank. I had really put myself out there. If this wasn’t a success I was going to lose everything I had ever made. So it’s sufficient to say I needed this to be a hit.

I was so busy with getting everything ready, that I hadn’t notice the time going by. Kaci and I hardly spoke, only because every time we did she would somehow mention that I really fucked it up with Lukas. It irritated me to no end. I knew she was right, but she could have at least taken my side about it. Roxi unlike Kaci always took my side even if I was wrong.

The last time Kaci and I spoke, she had told me off about how I had agreed to be a family with him and at the first sign of trouble I walked away. She kept saying that family sticks together and talks things through. I hung up on her telling her I didn’t have time for this anymore, which was true on my part. I was bogged down with various decisions I had to make for my new adventure. Especially when Maria found me the perfect place that was just outside my budget.

It was in Old Montréal in an art deco building that was near the Centaur Theater. It had everything I wanted, from stain glass windows, to high arched ceilings, to built-in shelving that was hand crafted in dark mahogany. The building was from the 1930’s and it was simply gorgeous. When she brought me there I knew instantly I wanted it. Thankfully Maria was a wiz at negotiating the price to something I could afford. It was still out of my price range, but at least I got it. The designer lost his mind the moment he saw it, saying that this space was just perfect. He went to work making sure to not compromise the place, but to bring out the luster it once had.

A few hundred headaches later and with a couple of setbacks, my wine bar was ready to open. I watched as the guys began to slowly install my sign. I smiled looking over all I had done and knew I finally found my pride. With the sign finally lit up in pure white script letters I read.

winecafé
.

I was ecstatic. Opening night was on October 31
st
, on all hallows eve. My favorite holiday.

“Ms. Lexi? Where do I place these glasses?” Audrey was a young funky tattooed clad girl who took pride in her image and in her tats. She interrupted me in my office as I placed the last few things I wanted on my desk.

“Put them on the top self near the end of the bar.” I said to her not bothering to look up.

“Ok.” She answered closing the door behind her.

I reached for the last little box and inside was a picture I had forgotten about. I was holding on to a framed picture of Lukas and me. I might have not brought everything with me from New York, but in the boxes I had packed before I moved I placed this picture away. I remember taking the photo, as I outstretched my arm above us and he sneaked in a kiss the moment I press the button. It came out so cute that I framed it. With a heavy heart, I placed it on my desk and wondered if enough time had passed between us for me to contact him. It had been more than six months now. I swallowed the hard lump that always formed when I thought of him and sat down taking out one of the invitations to the bar’s opening. I turned it over and began writing.

Lukas

Since the day you left me alone in my condo, I realize that I was wrong to leave the way I did. You deserved better than that, but my pride got in the way and I pretty much screwed things up. I realize that what you did was out of love for me and how much you didn’t want to see me hurt, but the reality was your decision only hurt me more. But that is the past now and I’ve finally found what I think I’ve been seeking. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for not trusting in you enough to let you explain. I’m sorry I didn’t love you the way you deserved. I don’t know if you’ll get this in time. But I wanted to invite you to the opening of my wine bar, the winecafé. I’ll understand if you don’t want to see me. I just wanted the chance just to say thank you. Thank you for loving me the way you did. Lukas Blakk, I want you to know that you will forever be the love of my life, no matter what this world holds for me that will always be true. You made me realize a love that was rare and beautiful and for that I will always be grateful. Not a single day has gone by or will go by that you will not be a part of. Thank you for everything.
Alexia

I broke down and started to cry. I only allowed a few tears of regret and pain. I still missed him but that part of my life was done. Now a new chapter was about to begin.