My Name Is River Blue (19 page)

"River, he's
not replacing you, but he
is
a new kid here. It's a scary, lonely time
for him. Including him and making him feel wanted is the right thing to do. He
is also your roommate, and the two of you have to get along. You boys could be
good friends if you would give it a chance."

"I don't
need him for a friend. It's bad enough that I'm losing my private room."

"You have to
get along with people, River. We talked about how important it is to becoming a
good leader. You need to learn how to trust people and build relationships. You
can't play a team sport by yourself, and unless you're a rare sort, you can't
have a fulfilling life by yourself either."

I couldn't stop
my eyes from watering. "I thought it would just be you and me. It's because
I messed up with Hal, isn't it?"

"River,
nothing's changed. I'll still have private time just for you, but tomorrow we
include Ant. If I didn't care about you, we wouldn't be having this
conversation. If you will just trust me, I promise that you'll see I'm doing
the right thing for
you,
not just Ant."

"Papa, I'm
tired. I need to go in."

Papa gave me a brief
hug, and his eyes found mine again. "Trust me, River. See you at ten in
the morning."

***

When I returned
to the family room, no one had moved, and the stench of Jenny's burned popcorn
smelled even worse after I had been outside in the fresh air. There was an hour
left before what we called "quiet thirty." At 11:30 PM during the
summer, each boy had to be in his own room. If he wasn't sleeping, he had to be
quiet, so as not to disturb the other residents.

My group was on
night showers that week, and I told Hal that I was taking my shower and going
to bed early. I think he was testing me when he asked me to take Ant to shower with
me and show him how we did things. I started to balk, but it was too soon to
have Hal tell Papa that I disobeyed him. Hal would say that helping Ant was one
of the extra chores I had to do. I said nothing, but I sighed, probably too
loudly. Hal acted as if he didn't hear me.

I nodded my head
for Ant to follow me, and he climbed the stairs after me. I told him that I
would explain anything he needed to know as we went.

I stopped in the
upstairs hall, opened the linen closet, and pulled out two bath towels, tossing
one to Ant as we entered our room. I shed my clothes and dumped them in the
wicker hamper near the door. I wrapped my towel around me, and waited for Ant to
copy me as I explained the routine to him.

"Every
week, there will be four guys who take morning showers, and four who take night
showers. It's so the hot water doesn't run out. It rotates each week, and this
week, the two rooms on this side of the hall are on night showers. You grab a
towel out of the closet, and then you put your dirty clothes in the hamper like
we just did for Jenny or Mrs. Asner to pick up. Mrs. Asner is the lady who
helps Jenny with the cooking and cleaning.'

"After you
dump your dirty clothes, you can wear your towel to the bathroom. It don't
matter cause it's only guys up here, and if Jenny or Mrs. Asner are coming
upstairs, they hit a buzzer down there that sounds off up here to warn us that
a woman is coming up. After showers, most of the guys just wear their tee
shirts and boxers until they go to bed. Once a day after lunch, you pick up
your clean clothes from the laundry room table. Come on."

Ant followed me
across the hall into the bathroom where I pointed out the obvious. Near the
entrance, there were four sinks set in a counter with one long mirror above it.
There were four urinals on the same wall as the sinks, and the opposite wall
had four toilets. There was a separate shower room with four showerheads
mounted in a line on one wall, and across from that wall, there was a long bench
and a small stand with washcloths. I glanced at Ant to see if he was keeping up
with the tour and noticed him frowning at the toilets, which had dividing walls
but no doors. I knew he was probably hoping for some privacy after having none
in Stockwell.

I gave him my
opinion. "I guess they're scared we'll smoke dope or something if they put
doors on the stalls. We don't have locks on our bedroom doors either. We can
close them, but Hal or Jenny can walk in any time they want. Jenny always knocks
and calls out, so if you're naked, just ask her to give you a minute and she
will."

In the shower
room, I cut on two showerheads for us, and pointed out the soap and shampoo
dispensers on the wall. I kept talking as we began our showers.

"We're supposed
to keep our showers short, but Hal won't say anything about that. His big thing
is that we all take a good shower every day, and that means scrubbing with a
washcloth and soap. And remember to wash your hands good with soap before every
meal. Hal says those are state rules to help keep infections from spreading,
and he gets crazy about us washing."

"Yo, that's
different from Stockwell. The COs didn't care if we got sick."

"Some of
the rules here can be a pain, but it's a lot better than Stockwell. Most of the
guys here aren't bad, but John has them dealing weed. If he approaches you,
tell him that you feel the same way I do, and he'll get the message."

"Yo, good
deal. I ain't looking to lose my parole."

I shampooed my
hair and closed my eyes as I leaned back to rinse. When I opened them, I thought
that Ant was staring at the birthmark on my chest. I wasn't self-conscious about
it, but it was always irritating for someone to tell me that the mark was shaped
like the state of Florida as if no one had ever mentioned it to me. I didn't
give Ant time to say it.

"Stop
staring. I don't need you telling me that my birthmark looks like Florida."

Ant snapped his
eyes to mine. "Sorry, it ain't your birthmark. I ain't never seen a guy
our age with a body like yours. How did you get muscles and definition like
that?"

"I work out
every day," I answered. "I've had an exercise routine since I was
seven, and the older I get, the more intense I make it. At first, it was
running, crunches, and pushups, and then I added weight training. When I was
living at one of my foster families, their son got me started, and then Gabby
at Stockwell showed me how to get serious results. Now Papa and Coach Riddle
are helping me."

Ant was
obviously envious. "Yo, I wish I could look like you."

I studied Ant
for a moment. His skin was no darker than mine was, and I would have never told
him, but I thought his looks could attract some girls when school started. He
reminded me of a young Will Smith but with smaller ears. Although he was shorter
and lighter than I was, he was still slightly above average height for his age.
He had a naturally lean, athletic body, and I saw the potential for him to add
muscle. With the right training, I thought he could be a good athlete, and I
told him so.

"There
ain't nothing wrong with you. Gabby said I started growing up earlier than most
boys do, so when you hit that growth spurt like I did, you'll have more muscles
to train."

"Thanks, I
hope so," said Ant. "Hey, I saw the weights they got downstairs. Could
you show me what you do? Maybe I could work out with you some."

It hit me that I
was talking to the new boy more than I meant to do. I didn't want him to think
that it was okay for him to follow me around, especially when I was going to
meet Papa.

"I work out
alone except when Papa or the coach is showing me something."

"Yo, okay. I
thought...never mind."

I cut off the
water to my showerhead and pulled my towel off the hook. As I dried my hair, I
noticed the dejected look on Ant's face.

"Listen,
it's nothing personal, but I do my own thing. I like being alone. I'm just showing
you around now cause I have to do extra chores for Hal for a month."

Ant stopped his
shower, grabbed his towel, and turned his back to me. We both finished drying
and stepped up to the sinks where each boy in the house had a separate plastic
holder containing a toothbrush with his name on it. Ant found his new toothbrush
and followed my lead by using the pump dispensers of toothpaste and then mouthwash.
When we were done, we walked back to our room, dumped our towels in the hamper,
and pulled on fresh boxers. We had not spoken to each other since I informed
Ant that I was not going to be his workout buddy.

After doing my
sit-ups and push-ups, I stretched out on my bed and leafed through one of
Papa's football magazines. Ant sat quietly on the far side of his own bed and
stared through the window at the night sky. I kept my eyes on the magazine as I
spoke to my new roommate.

"We need to
get a few things straight about you sharing my room," I said.

He didn’t bother
to turn around. "Okay. Tell me about sharing
your
room."

"You keep
your stuff on your side and do your part to keep the room clean. I don't loan
my stuff, so keep your hands off anything that belongs to me. You never invite
anyone else in the room, and don't rat on me for anything. You got me?"

"Yo, I got
you." Ant turned off the lamp on his nightstand, leaving his side of the
room in shadows. He slid under the top sheet of his bed and still faced away
from me. Everything about his voice and body language told me that he wasn't
happy to be my roommate.

I had something
else to say to Ant, and I knew if he told on me, Papa would be furious. "One
more thing. Tomorrow morning, you're not gonna feel like going to the park with
me. I don't care if you're say you're sick, or that you just ain't in the mood,
but you're gonna tell Hal and Jenny that you don't feel like going. If Papa
asks you about it, you're gonna tell him that I asked you to go, but you didn't
want to. Understand?"

"I
understand," mumbled Ant.

He had turned
his head slightly in my direction, and I could see a wet streak running from
his left eye down his cheek. I decided that he was too sensitive, and I wasn’t
losing sleep over it.

CHAPTER
TEN

Breakfast on Ant
Jefferson's second day in Tolley House was noisy with most of the boys talking
loudly as they sucked down eggs, bacon, and French toast at the long dining
room table. At the time, Ant and I were the only boys who had come from
Stockwell. Since I seldom answered any of their questions about the juvie
prison, the boys posed the same questions to Ant, who told them more than I did
but not by much. Just as we were finishing the meal, Ant announced that he
wasn't feeling well and would be staying home.

As I did every
morning, I waited in my room until the other boys left for the park so I could
walk alone. While I sat on my bed and tied my shoes, I glanced at Ant, who was curled
up on his bed as if he were cold. We hadn't spoken a word to each other that
morning, and I wondered if he planned to stare out the window all day. I was
sure that he wished he had a different roommate.

Ant and I both
jumped at the sound of the buzzer signaling that Jenny or Mrs. Asner was coming
upstairs earlier than usual. I didn't have long to wonder why before I saw
Jenny standing at our open door. Without her normally cheerful face, she studied
Ant and me as she fidgeted with the belt of her robe. I wondered if Ant had
ratted on me.

"Ant, are
you sure you don't want to go to the park today?" Jenny asked. "It's
really nice outside, much cooler than yesterday, and I could even drive you
guys there if you don't feel up to walking."

Ant sat up and
turned around to face Jenny. "Thank you, ma'am, but I don't feel like
going today."

Jenny looked at me
and then studied my roommate. "Ant, I want you to know that you can always
talk to me. Don't ever be afraid to say what's on your mind, because if any of
us have done anything to upset you, I want to fix it. So far, has everyone been
nice to you?"

I knew what
Jenny was really asking Ant, and even though she was right, it pissed me off. "Why
don't you just ask him if I did something to him?"

"Okay, River.
I will." She stared defiantly at me. "Ant, you never have to feel
afraid because I will have a boy removed from this house before I tolerate a
bully for even one day. Did River do or say something that is causing you to
stay home?"

Ant met Jenny's
eyes, and was very convincing. "River helped me with the shower routine
like Mr. Hal told him, and he hasn't done anything wrong to me." Ant
paused a moment before adding, "I think we can even be good friends one
day, if we just try."

I was surprised,
and I could see that Jenny was even more surprised. I wasn't sure that she bought
Ant's bull, but all she could do was accept his word.

Enjoying the
moment, I stared at her, probably a bit too smugly. She gave me a look that could
have wilted an oak tree. A look that begged me to make a smart remark to her. When
I didn't, she continued.

"Okay,
boys, I hope that you two really are trying to become friends because both of
you need one. River, I'm sorry that I was suspicious, but I'm sure you
understand why I could have thought as I did."

"No
problem," I said. "I'm used to being blamed for stuff."

Jenny sounded as
if she were speaking to a toddler. "Poor, River. It must get so
heavy."

I still can't
believe I was stupid enough to ask. "What do you mean? What's heavy?"

"The two
hundred pound chip on your shoulder." Jenny turned and walked out of the
room.

Jenny burned me
badly. My face flushed hot. Even my ears burned. I could have sworn I saw Ant
smirk briefly before he coughed in his hand. I would have to watch myself with
Jenny. She was much smarter than her husband was, and in that moment of
clarity, I understood that Jenny often knew when one of us boys lied. She knew
that I was the reason Ant was staying home, and she knew he was covering for
me. I would be a fool to believe otherwise.

Since I was a
jerk, I couldn't simply thank Ant for not ratting on me. I stepped closer to his
bed and spoke softly in case Jenny was still upstairs. "What was that
about? That stuff you told Jenny. I don't need you defending me, and it ain't
scoring you any points."

Ant's face
showed his disgust with me. "Yo, I see. You're a tough guy, and you don't
need nothing from nobody. Now that I'm impressed, go to the park and take that
shitty attitude with you."

I stared at him,
hardly believing his nerve. He had to know that he would look like roadkill
after a fight with me. "You need to watch your mouth."

Ant abruptly stood,
his chest almost touching me. "Or what? I was afraid of you, but last
night I decided that I ain't living here scared, and I ain't taking orders from
another kid. I ain't a snitch, but I ain't gonna lie for some dude, so he can
make me his punching bag. After your meltdown yesterday, we both know yo bad
ass is one swing away from Stockwell."

Ant's boldness
surprised me, and I had nothing smart to say. "Just stay out of my
business, and we won't have a problem."

Ant wasn't
finished. "Yo, we got plenty of problems. Like with all the rednecks,
racists, and assholes in this town that think we don't deserve to breathe the
same air as them. The ones that say we'll never amount to nothing. You and me
are on the same side and fighting each other is the stupidest thing we can be
doing."

Ant and I said
no more, but we stared at each other, neither of us so much as blinking for at
least fifteen seconds. I saw it in his eyes that Ant was real and honest, and facing
him in my room at Tolley House was just like shadowboxing in the ring at
Stockwell. If I wanted, I could put down my gloves because there was no one
there to fight. He was just a boy who dreamed of a better life. A boy just like
me.

I broke eye contact
and walked towards the door, stopping short of leaving the room. With my back
to Ant, I gave him what I'm sure sounded like another order. "Put on your
socks and running shoes, and be on the porch in five minutes. We'll have to
hurry to meet Papa on time."

Ant didn't say
anything. He just watched me walk out of our room. He told me later that it took
a few seconds for him to believe that he had heard me correctly, and then he
had to scramble to get downstairs before I left.

***

In Harper Park,
Papa initially had both of us practicing the positions of quarterback and
receiver, but it rapidly became obvious to each of us that I was the better
passer and Ant was the better receiver. After lunch, Ant focused strictly on catching
the balls I threw to him while he ran the various pass patterns Papa taught him.
Ant and I mastered each play Papa called, and our mentor soon sounded excited
about our athleticism and our timing that made it appear as if we had practiced
together for weeks.

Our training
session was interrupted when Papa's cell phone rang with a problem from one of
his Long's Fitness Center employees. Ant and I took a break on the bleachers.
It was a good time to rest because we had been pouring sweat and needed to rehydrate.
We found a section of bleachers under the shade of an oak and picked that spot
to sit and drink water from Papa's cooler.

We hadn't said
much on our jog to the park. Finally, Ant asked the question that had bugged
him since we left Tolley House. "Yo, how come you changed your mind about
me coming with you to the park?"

I leaned forward
with both elbows propped on my bare knees and watched a red ant crawl over the
toe of my shoe. On most days, I would have knocked the ant off me and used my
shoe to crush it, but after working with Ant and Papa that morning, I was in a
different mood. For one of the few times in years, I felt none of the usual
anger, simmering inside me, waiting to boil over on anyone who gave me an
excuse. For the moment, I didn't have any desire to hurt an ant, whether it was
the one on my shoe or the one sitting beside me. I wiped sweat from my forehead
and answered my roommate without looking at him.

"What
difference does it make?"

"None, I guess.
I just want to know why."

I kept my eyes
on the red ant. "I was an asshole, but you didn't rat me out when you
coulda ruined me with Papa and taken all his time for yourself. I was ashamed
of what I did to you, so I wanted to make things right. Give you a chance with
Papa and maybe a chance for you and me to be...whatever."

I looked up at
Ant Jefferson. He was grinning with big teeth that were brilliantly white. "And
a chance for us to be friends?"

"Yeah or at
least partners. Papa said it would be hard to get anywhere by myself, and he's
a smart man." I watched the ant circle my ankle. "If nothing changes,
you and me are gonna live together, go to school together, and play ball
together. We'll be together most of the time. Most of twenty-four hours a day,
seven days a week for five years is gonna suck a big one, if we can't get
along."

"Yo, you
got that right," agreed Ant. He switched subjects and tossed me a question
that caught me off guard. "Were you scared when you left Stockwell?"

"No." I
said it automatically. "Well, maybe a little."

"I didn't
sleep the night before I left," Ant admitted. "It's crazy, but I knew
how Stockwell worked. I hated it, but it was home where nobody was any better
than I was. I didn't believe I could ever have a white friend, but Gerry and I
were family, and I already miss hell out of him. Another thing was I kept thinking
how it's gonna be at school. It ain't gonna be easy to be a black kid from
Tolley House, but if they find out I was in Stockwell, I'll have to outrun a
gang of rednecks every day."

"No, you
won't," I said. "I went to school here for the last two months of
seventh grade. If they think you're tight with me, you'll be okay."

Ant look
surprised. "You mean you're popular at school?"

I rolled my eyes
and shook my head at the notion that I could be one of the popular kids. "No,
it means no one will mess with you because of my rep."

Ant caught on
quickly. "Yo, gotcha. Just like Stockwell. They're scared of you."

"But you
really don't need my help that way. If you're on the football team, the guys
will take care of you. I've played ball with them here, and most of them are
white, but they don't care that I'm mixed or that I'm a foster kid. Just show
'em you're gonna play hard for the team, and you're be one of the guys."

"Yo, can't
ask for no better than that. Thanks." Ant visibly relaxed and smiled.

"No problem."
I hesitated but decided I had to say it. "Dude, do yourself a favor."

"Yo, what
is it?"

"Stop
saying 'Yo' so much. It sounds stupid because anybody can tell you're smart. That
whole act you do might be cool in Stockwell or back in your hood with your
bros, but Papa won't like it. He's already punishing me with pushups and laps
for bad grammar and cursing. Just a heads up, okay?"

"Thanks,
River. I don't need Papa thinking I'm silly. I want him to help me."

I had to stop
the ant that was crawling on my thigh and coming dangerously close to running
inside the leg of my shorts. I let it crawl onto my hand before I slowly
brought it close to the ground, and let it run off my finger.

I saw Ant's
outstretched hand come into my view as I heard his voice. "Friends?"

I took only a
second before I looked up to meet his eyes and clasp his hand.

That day marked
the beginning of a rare friendship. The kind of friendship that most people are
never lucky enough to find. Amazingly, for someone with no friends, I found Papa
and Ant in the same month. I will always be grateful to them that they didn't
walk away from a screwed-up kid who needed them more than he was willing to
admit.

I saw my ant
running towards the deeper grass in front of me. It stopped and turned as if taking
one last look before it disappeared in a forest of green blades. The ant was
lucky that day but not as lucky as I was.

***

After spending almost
twenty-four hours a day together for two weeks, Ant and I were so tight that a
stranger watching us would have thought that we had been best friends for years.
It was common for Ant, who was usually grinning and often laughing, to burst
into spontaneous displays of singing, rapping, and dancing. I think I smiled more
those first two weeks than I had in all my life prior to meeting him. It was
nearly impossible to stay in a bad mood around Ant.

One of the days
when Papa was working with us at the park, he again received a call from an
employee and told us to take a break while he conducted his business. When Papa
rejoined us, he watched Ant and me laughing as we teased and insulted each
other before we progressed to shoving and then wrestling in the grass. As guys
our age often did, we found it fun to think of new insults for each other and the
more outrageous our remarks, the funnier it was to us.

That day, when
we jumped into Papa's truck for him to drive us back to Tolley House, he went
over the training instructions that Coach Riddle and he had written down for us.
They wanted us to use weights to work specific body parts and warned us that we
were not to use heavier weights than they directed. Since they would not always
be available to work with us, they gave us football drills to practice on our
own in the park or in the backyard of Tolley House.