My Place (51 page)

We had to wait a day for the results of the bronchoscopy. I decided to spend the day at Jill's because it was near the hospital, and I wanted to be on the spot when we got the news.

We were fortunate, Mum's dream had been fulfilled and our sister Helen was doing her residency at the hospital, so she was able to get the results for us straightaway. We had a doctor in the family at last.

Mum and I were sitting at the kitchen table having some lunch when Jill came back from answering the front door.

‘I think you should prepare yourself,' she said to Mum. ‘Helen's just come home in tears, she's in her room. You'd better go and see her.'

Mum and I rushed into Helen's room. Jill took all the children into the lounge room and involved them in a game of snakes and ladders.

Helen sat on the edge of her bed, crying. When she saw us, she murmured. ‘She's got a tumour. I suspected it all along, but I guess I was hoping it was something else.'

‘Is it malignant?' Mum asked.

‘Well, at her age and with her history of heavy smoking, of course it'll be malignant!' said Helen crossly. She was very upset.

Mum began to cry. I couldn't find any tissues, so I passed her a towel.

‘How long?' I asked.

‘They haven't completed the tests yet. We won't know until tomorrow afternoon. Depends on if it's a slow-growing tumour or a fast-growing one, but as she's already symptomatic, it must be pretty large.'

I told the news to Jill, then made a cup of tea for Mum and Helen.

Mum gulped hers down and then went into Jill's room to cry on her own.

I left her for half an hour, then went into find her still sprawled across the bed, crying her heart out.

‘She's expecting me this afternoon,' Mum sobbed when she saw me. ‘I told her I'd go down.'

‘Would you like me to go?'

‘Are you sure you'll be all right?'

‘I'll be all right.'

‘You go then. I'll probably be okay by tonight, I'll see her then. Would Helen like to go with you.'

‘I'll ask her.'

It took us only five minutes to reach the hospital. As we mounted the stairs that led to Nan's ward, Helen began to cry again.

‘You going to be okay?' I asked.

‘I'll be all right,' she murmured.

When we reached Nan's bed, she was lying on her back in a little short hospital gown. She was very hot, and, under the oxygen mask, her breathing was laboured.

The doctor was there. When he saw Helen, he said, ‘We think when we put the bronchoscope down that some of the bacteria may have spilled over into her bloodstream, the danger is septicaemia.'

Helen held Nan's hand, we both sat down beside her bed. Nan seemed to be slipping in and out of consciousness. It was too much for Helen, tears began to flow silently down her cheeks. She reached for a tissue, and just as she was wiping her face, Nan opened her eyes and said, ‘What's wrong, Helen?'

‘Nothing,' she replied, and looked away. Nan looked straight at me. I looked back. I was only confirming what she already knew inside.

We stayed for a few hours and left when Nan was asleep.

The rest of the results came through the following afternoon and Mum was called to the hospital to discuss them. I visited again that night. To my surprise, I found Nan sitting up in bed, eating tea. She looked much better.

‘Gosh, that looks like a good meal,' I said as I walked up to her bed. It seemed such a silly thing to say, somehow. She was dying, oughtn't I to say something much more profound?

‘It's lovely, Sally,' Nan smiled. ‘There's so much here I can't eat it all.'

I glanced at Mum, she looked like she was holding together. Nan ignored both of us and went on eating. I looked from one to the other. Silence.

Something was going on. No one was saying anything. Finally, I said, ‘So, what's happening?' Nan began to eat a little faster.

Mum said defensively, ‘She's coming home for the weekend, then she's coming back on Monday to start radiotherapy.'

Mum could tell by the look on my face I didn't approve. She looked down at her feet.

‘How do you feel about that, Nan?' I asked.

‘Ooh, you know me, Sally, I'm frightened, I'd rather do without it.' She shrugged her shoulders and looked at Mum. It was a gesture of confusion.

‘You'll be able to breathe better if you have it,' said Mum firmly.

‘Why does she have to have it?' I asked.

‘Oh, Sally,' said Mum crossly, ‘she's only scared because it's an unknown quantity. The doctors said it will help.'

And people always think doctors know best, I thought angrily.

‘What do you think, Nan?' I asked her. She shook her head. ‘Do you know what they do to you?'

‘No.'

I was sure the doctor must have told her, but I tried to explain as simply as possible about the machine and the rays and the benefits that it could have.

When I'd finished, Mum said, ‘She should at least try it, Sally.'

‘Do you want to try it, Nan?' I asked.

‘I'm frightened of it, Sally. Glad told the doctors my legs are weak. I can't get round. I don't know. Helen says I should have it. She's a doctor, I suppose she should know.'

‘Well, Nan,' I sighed, ‘if that's what you want, then try it once. But if you don't like it, you tell 'em so, you stick up for yourself. If you don't like it, you tell them, no more!'

‘I don't think I should try it at all,' she replied.

I agreed with her whole-heartedly, but I could see Mum was under pressure from all sides and I didn't want to make it harder for her, so I said nothing.

‘Try it once,' Mum encouraged. ‘Then, if you don't like it, I won't make you have any more.'

‘Promise?'

‘Promise.'

After that, we laughed and talked and joked for over an hour about old times. We laughed about the way Nan hid money under the mattress and the times she'd tried to feed Curly at the wrong end. We talked about the cool drink man and how, if the lawnmower man didn't come soon, the grass would be so high we wouldn't be able to see the house.

Finally, Mum said, ‘Well, we'd better go now. It's getting late.'

‘Are you going too, Sally?' Nan asked. She gave me one of her looks, I knew she wanted to talk to me alone.

‘I have to go now, Nan,' I told her, ‘but I promise you that we are going to have a good talk over the weekend.'

That evening, Mum and I had a talk. We were both feeling very emotional, it was difficult for either of us to be rational about anything. Our main difference of opinion was whether Nan should have treatment or not. I was totally against it because I felt Nan was more afraid of hospitals than dying. Mum felt it could be a good thing, because the doctors had said it could give Nan another six months, though they couldn't guarantee this.

I was also feeling very angry because no one had told Nan the complete truth about radiotherapy. She was under the impression it had no side effects and that a nurse would hold her hand the whole time she was under the machine. Neither of these were true. It just confirmed the opinion Nan had inculcated in me over the years about doctors in general.

In desperation, I finally said to Mum, ‘Do you know what Nan said to Margaret back in February?' Margaret was my mother-in-law.

‘What?'

‘She told her she knew she didn't have long to live. You see, she's been living with dying for a long time now. It's the hospital she's frightened of.'

‘How do you know she said that?'

‘Margaret told me on the phone last night.'

Mum was taken back at this revelation. ‘I'm just trying to do the right thing,' she sighed weakly.

‘I know you are, but don't you see, it's Nan's business what happens to her body and no one else's. Let her do what she wants, not what we think is right.'

Nan was due to come out of hospital the following morning. As Helen was finishing her shift at ten o'clock, she said she would pick up Nan from her ward and bring her down to Jill's house. Mum was going to pick her up from there at eleven and come to my place for lunch.

By one o'clock in the afternoon, they still hadn't arrived. I
began to worry, I wondered if Nan had suddenly taken a turn for the worse.

They finally arrived around one-thirty. They both looked upset. Nan came in slowly and quietly, she sat down in the lounge room and just looked at the floor. For some reason, a picture suddenly flashed through my mind of one of our dogs just after he'd been hurt. I must be going crazy, I thought, shaking my head.

I went into the kitchen to put the kettle on and Mum followed me out.

‘What's happened?' I whispered. ‘Nan looks awful.'

‘You won't believe it,' Mum replied. ‘It's terrible. I'm so upset.' I glanced at Mum, she was wearing the same look as Nan.

‘What on earth has happened?' I asked forcefully. I knew something was terribly wrong.

Mum wiped a tear from her eye and said softly, ‘You know Helen was supposed to pick her up from the ward at ten?'

‘Yes.'

‘Well, when she went to the ward, Nan wasn't there.'

‘You telling Sally what happened?' a croaky voice suddenly interrupted from the lounge room.

‘Yes dear,' Mum replied.

‘Come in the lounge and talk,' I said. ‘I think Nan wants us to talk in there.' I sat down opposite Mum and Nan and waited for them to tell me the story.

‘What happened, Nan?' I asked, after we'd all sat in silence for a few seconds.

‘It was terrible, Sally,' she said. ‘I'm never goin' back there. They treat you like an animal.'

I sat patiently while Nan wiped her mouth and her eyes with a large men's handkerchief. Then, I said, ‘Didn't Helen pick you up?'

‘Oh yes, she came. I wasn't there! I had been there, I was all dressed, waitin' for her to come and get me when this man came in. He told me to hop in the wheelchair. “What for?” I asked, “I'm goin' home!” “You have to see the doctor for a minute,” he said.'

‘Where did he take you?'

‘Oh, to some room. I had to take all my clothes off, there wasn't even a nurse there, and they didn't even give me one of those hospital dresses to put on. They made me lie down on the bed, and then this man and that man started thumping my chest. It hurt real bad.'

‘Was your doctor there?'

‘No! They was all strangers, strange men comin' in one after the other, all thumping me round the chest. I had to lie there with nothing on, nothing to cover me!'

‘You promised me you'd tell them no more medical students!' I growled at Mum.

‘I did! I did! These weren't medical students, they were registrars!'

‘They was all strangers,' Nan interrupted, ‘Strangers, Sally! There I am with nothin' to cover me. I felt 'shamed.'

‘The bastards,' I said angrily. ‘Why on earth didn't you yell at them to stop, Nan?'

‘I did! I begged them to stop, but, even though I was sobbing, they wouldn't leave me alone. I was hurtin' real bad. My chest feels so sore. There was one bloke with a beard and big hands, he really hurt me. He said he couldn't stop, because he had to find out what was wrong with me.'

‘Bulldust! They told you what you had yesterday!'

‘They cruel, Sally, real cruel. I said to one of them, “You just doin' this to me cause I'm black, aren't you?” He said, “Oooh, you mustn't think that. We're trying to help you.” They wasn't tryin' to help me. They was only doin' that cause I'm black! That's what it was, Sal, it was my colour!'

I wanted to cry. She was so hurt. I was so angry I wanted to cry and scream and beat all those doctors up.

‘That's why we're so late,' Mum said. ‘Poor Nan could hardly walk when Helen brought her down to Jill's.'

‘Why did they do it, do you know?'

‘Helen said she thinks it was a practice exam for the registrars.
Apparently, they give them mock exams and they always choose patients with good medical signs. Doesn't that make you sick?'

‘A practice exam, by God! The bastards, who do they think they are?'

‘They shouldn't have done that to me, should they, Sally?'

‘No, they shouldn't, Nan. You're right, you were treated like an animal. They should be ashamed of themselves. They wouldn't want someone treating them like that. Have you complained, Mum?'

‘No.'

‘Why not? God, they need a bomb put under them and I'm just the one to do it!'

‘You're not to go down there, Sally,' Mum said crossly. ‘I know what you're like, you're a terrible stirrer, you'll get down there and you'll lose your temper. You'll make it hard for Helen, she has to work there.'

‘No one's going to treat my grandmother like that!'

‘I bet they don't do that to white people,' Nan said.

‘What are you doing?' Mum asked as I walked to the phone.

‘I'm ringing the bastards up! This is only the beginning. By the time I get through with them, they won't know what hit them!'

‘No, you're not!' Mum shouted as she leapt from her chair. She tore the phone from my hands and slammed it back down. ‘I've never asked much of you,' she said tearfully, ‘but I'm asking this, leave it alone. For your sister's sake, let her finish her course. I will make sure that Helen complains and tells them what we think, but you are not to do it, Sally, I'm frightened of what you might say.'

My blood was boiling. ‘But this is so inhumane. It should be on TV and in the papers! How many other old people have had the same experience! No one wants to rock the boat just because they're doctors. They're not God! That's how they keep their power, you know, they stick together like glue and count on the apathy of the silent majority!'