Mystery Dance: Three Novels (76 page)

I flipped my mike key and the red “ON AIR” sign blinked over the door.

“Yo, this is Mickey Nixon with ya in the wee hours,” I said, in the slightly-false bass I’d cultivated over the course of my career. “I’ve got a talker on the line, she’s there to share. Go on, honey.”

“I just want everybody to know that I killed someone. This man I’ve been dating got a little bit too aggressive, so I blew his damned brains out. And it felt good,” she said, her words pouring out over the monitors through the warm Kansas air.

My finger was poised over the mute button in case I needed to censor her. By station rules, I was supposed to send all live call-ins through the loop delay. But since I got so few callers, I usually took my chances. Plus I liked the razor edge of spontaneity.

“I want to tell you that the steam off his blood is still rising. He’s lying here on his apartment floor with his pants around his knees and his brains soaking into the shag carpet. If any of you guys out there think date rape is a laughing matter, I’m sharing this little story so you’ll think twice.”

I gulped. This was really wacky stuff. I couldn’t have written it in a million years. I’d paid friends before to call with outrageous stories, but they always sounded a little too rehearsed. Now here was some dynamite, and it was exploding at no charge.

“Wait a minute, woman,” I said, playing the straight man. “You mean to tell us you’re standing over a warm body right now with a phone in your hand, confessing murder?”

“It’s not murder, it’s self-defense. I may be a woman, but I’ve got my rights. Nobody touches me unless I let them. Besides, I’ve done this before, I’ve just never felt like talking about it until now.”

“So maybe it’s what you would call a ‘justifiable’ homicide. Have you called the police?”

I was starting to get a little nervous now. If this girl was acting, she was too good to be stuck in a Midwestern cow town like Topeka . She was starting to sound too weird, even for me. Her voice was as sharp and cold as an icicle, but with a touch of sexiness all the same.

“That’s why I called you, Mickey. I’ve listened to your show for a long time, and I just knew you’d understand. You think the boys in blue would believe me?”

I was almost flattered, but a reality check rose like stomach acid. Sure, years ago I was a morning star in Los Angeles drive-time, but a little FCC controversy knocked me down faster than a Mike Tyson punch. I’d bounced around a few AM stations and tried my hand at ad sales, but now I was just riding the board until the years of chemical abuse caught up with me.

“Honey, I’m here for you,” I said, getting back in the game. “We love you here at the Kick, and Mickey Nixon is not one to judge other people. Live and let live, I always say...to coin a phrase.”

Now I could see a row of green lights blinking on the telephone board. Four callers were waiting to be punched in. I’d never had more than two, and that was when Lefty from Promotions had fingered me a couple of White Zombie tickets to give away. This girl, whoever she was, had the audience stirring.

“Mickey, men have always disappointed me. They talk sweet and walk straight until they get what they want. Then they treat you like a rag doll or worse. Well, I’m fed up. Now, I’m the one on the prowl for easy meat. Just ask Chuck here...”

There were a couple of seconds of dead air.

“Oh, sorry. Chucky can’t come to the phone right now. He’s got other things on his mind, and they’re called my feet. Well, Mickey. I’ve got to go. It’s been real, and I’ll be in touch.”

I could hear sirens in the background just before she hung up.

“If you’re still out there, remember that you can talk to me. I’ll never do you wrong,” I broadcast to the sleepy world. I punched up caller number two, trying to keep some momentum.

“Hey, Mickey, that tart’s gone out of her mind. Did you pay a friend of yours to call in or something?” a drunken voice slurred.

“Yeah, just like I did with you, upchuck breath.” I cut him off and punched up the next caller.

“I just killed a beer myself, and I want you to know your show rocks, man.”

It sounded like a college student who had seen “ Wayne ‘s World” too many times. But I wasn’t choosy and I doubted I’d be lucky enough to get anyone as interesting as my death-dealing diva as an on-air guest. What was I expecting, Howard Stern or the ghost of Orson Welles?

“That chick was really wild, man,” the caller continued, adding a couple of “uhs” into the mix. This show was billed as the “Talk-n-Toonage Marathon ,” but the talk never seemed to keep rolling.

“Thanks for the input, ‘dude.’ Gotta go.” I sighed, stabbed the button on the cart machine, and AC/DC started ringing “Hell’s Bells.”

The next afternoon, I rolled out of bed and belched stale coffee. I stumbled through the dirty clothes and back issues of
Rolling Stone
that served as the carpet in my one-room bachelor’s paradise and elbowed open the bathroom door. I showered and even screwed up my resolve enough to shave. I felt displaced and alienated, as if I’d just come back from a long drug trip. At first, I couldn’t figure out what was different. Then it hit me. I actually felt rejuvenated, as if last night’s caller had given me something to look forward to.

I drove my ragged Honda down to the station and parked at the far end of the lot. All the other jocks had personal spaces. I guess the station GM figured one day I’d just disappear and she didn’t want me around badly enough to invest ten bucks in a lousy plywood sign. Well, no love lost.

I went inside and checked the shift schedule, then headed for the staff lounge. I was just about to scarf a couple of donuts when I saw the newspaper open on the table. I picked it up and searched the front page. No headlines screaming bloody murder.

I was turning to the crime section when Pudge, WKIK’s answer to Benito Mussolini as well as Program Director, walked in. His eyes glared from under the caterpillars of his brows. He didn’t bother saying hello. He had a marketing report in his hand and he waved it like an ax.

“Your numbers are down, Mick. You know the only reason we stay on during the graveyard shift is because it’s cheaper than locking up and paying security for a few hours. But I want to lead in every time slot, and you’re not up to speed.”

Pudge was on a mission to inflate his own ego until his head could no longer fit through doorways. He gobbled up credit like it was free pizza, but when it was time to dish out the blame, he had a list as long as his belt, and his name was on the last notch. College communications courses taught me that radio was a personal medium, but Pudge must have skipped those. At every staff meeting, he argued for total automation of WKIK.

I rubbed my cheek and felt the first blossom of stubble in the weedbeds of my cheeks.

“Well, Pu–um, Andrew, if you’d give my slot a little promotion, it might do something. Besides, I’ve got a loyal audience.”

“Well, your audience’s demographic doesn’t coincide with the one our advertisers want to reach. Even at your low wage, this ‘Talk-n-Toonage Marathon ‘ is barely breaking even. I’m tempted to change your slot to a satellite feed.”

I was barely listening because I was transfixed by the flapping of his plump lips. He bored me faster than a dinner date with Andre. I muttered something appropriately offensive and incoherent and left with the newspaper and a pair of chocolate donuts. The Honda whined a little before starting, but I coaxed it home so that I could rest before the night’s shift.

As I gnawed a three-day-old slice of anchovy pizza, I thumbed through the paper. On page two of the local news section, I found my item.

MAN FOUND DEAD IN APPARENT HOMICIDE

Charles Shroeder, age 29, of 417 Skylark Place , was found shot in his home last night. Police responded after a neighbor reported hearing a gunshot. A medical examiner ruled that Shroeder died from a single bullet wound to the head at approximately 2:00 AM. There are no suspects at this time, according to Lt. C.L. Hubble of the Topeka Police Detective Division.

So my mystery caller was the real thing after all. I wondered if I should call the police. I didn’t have any solid evidence, if you didn’t count a phone conversation, and I didn’t. I decided to wait until she called again. I wanted to hear her voice, the one of blood and smoke. I only hoped she wouldn’t have to kill again, if indeed she had killed at all, to be motivated enough to give me a ring.

Four long, lonely nights crawled by. “Wayne “ called once and requested some Beastie Boys, and a handful of callers asked about the “murder woman,” but other than that, the phone set in its cradle like a cement slipper. I slid into my regular routine, ignoring the playlist and forgetting to air the paid ads according to the traffic schedule. My cynicism began to consume me again, a snake swallowing its tail. Then, on Thursday, she called.

I knew it was her the moment I saw the light on the switchboard. I snapped the phone to my ear. “Mickey Nixon at the Kick.”

“Hi, Mickey. It’s me again.” Her voice rushed through the miles of cable like a May breeze, warm and fresh.

“You have me at a disadvantage. I don’t know your name.”

“That would sort of be like kissing and telling, wouldn’t it? You already know so much about me. But just call me ‘Night Owl.’“

I eyed the digits counting down on the Denon player and cued the next CD. So she’d given herself a pseudonym. Not exactly a sign of emotional stability. But, hell, my real name was Michel D’artagne.

“Well, do you want to tell our audience what you’ve been doing with yourself lately?”

“Anything for a thrill, Mickey. Have you missed me?”

“Sure. It’s a lonely life, surrounded by these cold machines. The music helps, but it’s the people that make it matter. I’m sending you out live now.” I potted up the interface before beginning my introduction.

“Yo, shake out of those dreams, my friend, Mickey’s got the Night Owl here, the one that’s to die for, and you want to twist that dial right on up.”

Deejaying was one of the few occupations where you could get away with referring to yourself in the third person, along with politics and professional sports. She picked up on my enthusiasm and jumped right in.

“Hey, out there in radio-land. This is Night Owl with more good news for the human race. There’s one less piece of dirtbaggage in the world tonight. I just took down number three. Johnny picked me up in a bar and wanted a double-handful of hot romance. He got an earful of hot metal instead. Just because he bought me a drink, he thought he was buying the whole package.”

I could see the switchboard lighting up like a Christmas tree. WKIK’s phone system could handle eight lines, and every one had a caller on the end. Apparently, word had trickled out like electricity. I’d been searching my whole career for something to strike the audience’s nerves, and it seemed death did the trick.

“Night Owl, some of our audience would like to talk to you. Go ahead, caller one...” I potted up our auxiliary phone link so we could have a three-way conversation.

“Thank you for bringing joy to my life,” a woman’s cigarette-scorched voice came over the monitors. “I’ve been married to a slob for eighteen years, and suddenly he’s turned into Mr. Clean, minus the earring. He heard about you down at the Pump-And-Pay, and he figured he’d better get his act together, because you never know who’s going to turn into a copycat killer. Keep up the good work, girl.”

I punched up another. It was Wayne, my main man. Maybe he had something bright to say for once. He stuttered a couple of times before starting. “Hey, Miss Night Owl lady, I dig your style. I know us men can be, like, pigs and stuff, but don’t you think killing’s a little harsh?”

“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” Night Owl said. “I think thousands of years of male-dominated society are enough, don’t you?”

“Well, uh–” Wayne was at a loss for words. Maybe he’d used up the dozen he knew. But he coughed and continued. “I guess there’s some bad guys, but it’s not, you know, a total washout with us dude-types.”

“Oh, there are a few good men, and believe me, they’re not in the Marines. Take our Mickey, for instance.”

“Thanks, Night Owl.” I was beginning to wonder if I knew this woman. I’d always had a soft spot for sweet psychos. “Do you have time for another caller?”

Wayne cut in like a cowboy at a line dance. “Would you like to, like, go out or something, Night Owl?”

“Well, you definitely sound like my type. My type of victim, that is. Who knows, maybe we’ll meet. I’ll keep one in the chamber, just for you.”

I punched up another caller. It was a woman.

“I’m right with you, honey. I dated a clown for seven years, and ever doggone time I brought up marriage, he’d say, ‘Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?’ Well, I put a good dose of digitalis in a cherry cheesecake–do you bake? I got some good recipes. Been in the family for generations–well, the idiot ate it. He was grinnin’ like a turtle eatin’ saw-briars the whole time. Fell over dead right there at the kitchen table. Had a weak heart, I told the police. Well, I may be the cow, but he’s the one who kicked the bucket. And I got you to thank for gettin’ up my nerve.”

“Another blow for freedom, my dear,” Night Owl said. “Keep that oven warm. Sounds like you’re a real killer cook. Well, folks, got to run. There’s nothing I hate worse than being a cold-blooded murderer, so I try to leave before rigor mortis sets in. Bye, Mickey, smooches to you.”

As she hung up, I felt like I was in a vacuum. I was annoyed by my attraction to her. I was beginning to understand the audience’s fascination with Night Owl. I punched up another caller.

We filled the air of the black Kansas sky with talk about the Equal Rights Amendment, the best methods of undetected murder, and even shared a few culinary tips. The switchboard stayed full most of the shift. I slipped in a few hard rock tunes and a couple of ads without losing talkers. The night flowed by like warm honey.

By the time the sun was stabbing over the flat horizon, I was wrapping up the best shift I’d ever had. Reluctantly,. I turned the board over to Georgie Boy, host of the Kick’s Morning Show. I signed off on the transmitter log and went home. I was so wired, I didn’t fall asleep until noon. A lot of people probably called in sick that morning.