Naked (15 page)

“Your mom was into drugs?” I ask, realizing I’m changing the subject, but I’m too shocked not to ask. He mentioned his mom had passed away, but drugs? Drugs don’t seem like they fit into this world. They’re for people lost in the gutters of New York, for the johns and the hookers with no hope left. The people with nothing else to live for.

“It’s not something we talk about much, but yeah. She overdosed when I was twelve.”

“So that’s how she died?”

“Yeah,” he whispers, barely audible.

“Wow… I mean, I’m sorry. I just didn’t expect that. I… I’ve known some people who were into drugs. It’s horrible.”

“Really?” he whispers. “Who?”

“Oh, um, people in New York. It’s just hard, because they don’t realize how messed up they can get. The only thing that matters is the drug, and there isn’t anything you can do to change that.”

When he speaks, he sounds like his mind is a million miles away. “I always felt like there was something more I could have done… If only she had told us. If I’d been able to see what she was really hiding from us…”

I nod and try to hide my horror. I’m way more than just shocked at what Jackson told me about his past… I’m terrified, because tonight things changed between us. It showed me how good things could be.

And then he told me he hates lies. No, more than that…

He hates liars.

I’ve lied to him. If he found out the truth, it would be worse than him seeing me as a whore…he’d hate me. Because I didn’t tell him the truth from the start.

I squeeze my eyes closed and hope he doesn’t notice.

Shit. How long can I keep this from him?

Chapter Twenty-Six

I
crawl back through my window and stand there, staring at my bedroom in the dark. Everything feels so quiet. So empty.

Tonight was incredible. Every time I’m with Jackson, things feel so right. Like I belong.

Except that I don’t belong.

That’s my biggest lie. That I could belong here. Belong with someone like Jackson.

I’m a liar. I don’t deserve this, any of it. One day soon it’s going to bite me in the ass and I’m going to lose it all. I know it. I can feel it.

The truth sits there in the shadows, watching, waiting for the right time to strike. Waiting for the moment I feel the safest, so it can take away everything I love.

My house of cards is going to crumble very, very soon.

I know I can’t sleep here, not tonight, not with those thoughts floating around in my mind, so I head to the backyard, to the one person I know I won’t lose.

I don’t know if Zara loves me, but I don’t need love. I just need someone who won’t hate me for who I am.

So I sneak out the back door through the kitchen and into the backyard. It’s so dark, the only thing breaking the silence are the bugs chirping in the darkness.

Zara’s already watching me, bright-eyed, and I walk to her quickly. She climbs out of her doghouse and wags her tail in greeting.

“Hey girl,” I whisper, and lean down to pet her. She licks my face, and I immediately feel better. I know I’ll lose Jackson someday, but I won’t lose Zara. Not to hate, anyway. I sit down, and she lies beside me. I lean over and lay my head on her back. Her long black hair tickles my ear.

This must be what unconditional love feels like. I wish I’d known that feeling before. I wish my parents had told me they’d love me no matter what.

Maybe I’d have come home sooner. Maybe I wouldn’t have run away in the first place.

I wish Luis could have loved me without the money I brought him.

I wish any single one of my boyfriends before I left home would have loved me without the sex.

They all used me, every single one.

I was a hooker before I had a name for it. But I was just a child. I guess that’s the thing I never really let myself understand. Those boys took my innocence when I was just a child. Even my first days with Luis…I was too young for all of that. Too young to understand, to say no when I needed to. Too pathetic, too naive, to really understand.

I learned the hard way.

I feel my mask slipping, old Anna drifting to the surface.

Marissa and her boyfriend see through me; they see the truth. Whoever’s leaving notes in my locker knows the truth.

Maybe I should beg my parents to take me out of school. I tried and it worked for a while, but I can’t bear to watch it all crumble at my feet. If it falls, I fall with it. But then what would I do? Stay home with my parents?

Not go to the dance?

I came back to school sure it wouldn’t work. And even though it feels now like it might crumble at any moment, I have to give it a chance.

I just wish I knew how this was going to all turn out.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

I
wake to my mother pounding on the door. “Anna!” she yells.

“What?” I groan.

The door opens. “You’re late, you—” She freezes, her eyes stopping on the dog my arms are wrapped around. She doesn’t speak, just stares at us.

I sit up. “I’ll put her back outside,” I say.

She still doesn’t speak, just lets me pass. Zara doesn’t follow at first. She’s staring back at my mother. Guess I don’t blame her. Zara’s used to Mom or Dad punishing her.

“Come on, girl,” I say, and Zara hops from the bed and follows me out, head low as she passes my mother. I put her outside.

My mother is waiting for me in the kitchen when I come back in.

“Anna, I’ve told you before, that dog isn’t safe.”

“Mom, I’m not going to fight about this. I need her.”

She blinks but says nothing else until I head back to my room to get ready for school. “I’m going to call Sarah.”

I shrug. “Do whatever you want.” I’m really not in the mood for this. Really, really not in the mood. Besides, I have a feeling Sarah will be on my side for this one.

I don’t have time for a shower this morning, but I decide that’s okay, because I still smell like Jackson. And even though I’m terrified of what will happen when he finds out the truth, he still makes me feel good.

Even without the shower, I’m about five minutes too late to make it to the bus stop, so my mom has to take me to school. When I come into the kitchen to let her know, she’s hanging up the phone.

“Did you talk to Sarah?” I ask.

She nods. “She thinks it’s okay. The dog. Just be careful, okay? She’s nearly bitten a lot of people.”

“Okay.”

Zara wouldn’t bite me, but I guess it’s always possible, so I won’t say that. Truth is, the risk is worth what she gives me. Comfort in a world of torturous and constant uncertainty.

Mom drops me off in front of the school. I watch the hundreds of kids file into the big brick building. Maybe I should have stayed home today. I’m so not in the mood for this.

When I don’t get out of the car right away, my mom asks. “Are you okay, Anna?” She nods to the school. “Here, I mean. Or even just in general.”

I shrug. “I don’t know. Sometimes.”

She clears her throat a little, and I wonder if she’s holding back tears. “This morning, it seemed like maybe something was wrong.”

I don’t say anything.

“Was it what I said about Zara? It’s not that I don’t want her in your room. But if your dad finds out…”

Still nothing.

So she looks at me, like she’s trying to see through my silent disguise. She can’t see through it. No one can. But still, something seems to occur to her.

“Is it something else? If you want to talk…” she whispers.

I think of telling her about the notes. The ridiculous students who won’t leave me alone.

I think of telling her about Jackson. Why going to homecoming with him is the best and the worst thing that could ever happen.

I think of telling her how exhausting it is to keep up this constant disguise, like the old Anna isn’t still a part of me.

I know I should, but my mouth won’t open.

My hands shake as I pop open the car door.

“Thanks, Mom.”

I’ll figure it out on my own, find a way to survive no matter what happens. I always have.

I take a deep breath and walk into the school.

I
open my locker and cringe at the folded piece of paper sitting there waiting for me. This is starting to piss me off.

I know the truth. See you soon, Exquisite.

Fuck. Another note?

This is not olay.

Who would do this? Is it possible one of these high school boys went to New York and slept with me once? No, I’d remember a boy that young.

Not knowing is the worst. If I just knew, I could deal with it.

I’m still looking at the note when someone taps me on the shoulder.

I jump and turn to see Jackson smiling at me. Shit. I crumple the note and throw it back in my locker.

“What’s that?”

“Nothing.” I fake a smile.

“You okay?” he asks.

I press my eyes shut. I can’t hide this from him, not really. He’ll know something’s up.

“Not really. Someone’s been leaving notes in my locker.”

His eyebrows shoot up. “Like love notes or something?”

I can’t help but laugh. “Jealous?” His cheeks turn red, and he looks to the ground. This boy really knows how to make me melt from the inside out. “No. Definitely not love notes. More like hate notes.”

“Oh. I used to get those.”

“Really?”

He nods. “Marissa and Elizabeth like to get under people’s skin however they can. Don’t worry about it, I’m sure it’s nothing.”

I’d believe him if only the note hadn’t called me Exquisite. Though Marissa and her douche bag boyfriend did imply they knew more about me than everyone else.

“Anna?” Jackson says.

I look up, realizing that I’d completely zoned out there for a minute.

“I missed you on the bus,” he says. “You weren’t…avoiding me or anything, right?”

“What? No! I just woke up late. Mom drove me.”

He nods but doesn’t look completely convinced. “You sure you’re okay with last night?”

I grab his hand and intertwine my fingers in his the way he did last night, and his shoulders relax.

“It was perfect.”

You know, other than the “you hate me but don’t know it yet” thing. I can forget that for a little while, though.

And right now I really want to forget everything. Everything but the way Jackson makes me feel.

He bites his lip for a second and looks me in the eye. I think he wants to kiss me again, and honestly, there’s nothing I want more, so I take a step toward him. He leans down slowly, and when his lips press against mine, the rest of the world disappears. I’m just Anna, and he’s just Jackson. There is literally nowhere else I’d rather be.

Even though when we part, I notice that everyone within twenty feet has stopped to stare at us, I’ve never felt lighter. The light in his eyes melts me to the bone. This is exactly what I needed.

I forget about the note until fourth period, when I notice my phone has three missed calls from Sarah. Before lunch I go out into the courtyard to call her. I’d hate for her to get worried and call the police or something.

“Anna! Thank goodness. You wouldn’t answer my calls. I was worried.”

“Sorry, I’m at school. Couldn’t really pick up the phone.”

“What’s wrong? Why did you call? Was it about the dog again?”

My stomach sinks. I can’t tell Mom about the notes. They’d just make her worry for no reason. But Sarah’s kind of like my therapist. Impartial yet supportive, no matter what, because that’s her job.

“No,” I say. “Not about the dog. I just… Well, someone’s been leaving these weird notes in my locker, like threatening to expose all my secrets or something, and it was bothering me. But my friend Jackson told me he used to get them, too, so I’m sure it’s nothing.”

“Have you told the office about it?”

“No.”

“You should. They might not be able to do anything right now, but it’s best if they know it’s happening.”

“Okay.”

“What about your parents? Have you told them?”

My breath catches in my chest. No. No I haven’t told them. Is she nuts? How would that help anything?

“No,” I say. “It’s no big deal. I don’t want them to worry over nothing.”

“All right. Is everything else okay? I heard you’re going to homecoming?”

“And decorating for it.”

“That’s great!”

I look over and see Jackson standing by the door, waiting for me.

“Hey, I’ve got to go.”

“Okay. It was good to hear from you, Anna. If you have any more problems call me right away.”

“’Kay.” I hang up the phone.

Jackson steps outside and waves me forward. When I reach Jackson, I hold up the phone. “My mom. I told her about the notes, and she’s, like, freaking out.”

More lies. My stomach twists, but I can’t really explain about Sarah without making things that much more complicated.

He laughs. “Parents,” he says with a shake of his head.

Lunch is fairly uneventful. Jackson and I don’t kiss or hold hands, but things feel different. We hear a few whispered comments about us, and that honestly just makes me happy.

One, I don’t mind people talking about us being together. I want to be with him, and I’m proud of it. And two, they’re not talking about who I really am. One person calls me a slut—if they only knew—but whatever.

This new drama about Jackson and me is perfect for getting people to stop digging into my past. Who cares about who you used to be when the person you already are is so much more interesting?

Jen doesn’t say anything about “us,” but Alex keeps looking back and forth between us.

I ignore it at first, but eventually I’m fed up. “Alex! If you want to know, just ask.”

She smirks. “It doesn’t matter. Just curious.”

“Curious?” Jackson asks. Is he really that oblivious or does he ignore it on purpose?

“You two really together?”

I look to Jackson, then to Alex, and I shrug, but a shy smile spreads across my face.

Jackson is smiling, too. “We’re still figuring that out.”

Alex rolls her eyes. “Well, figure it out quick.”

“Whatever. Mind your own business,” I say, and she laughs.

The bell rings, and the four of us walk into the lobby, where I see a group of kids staring at us. Marissa and Elizabeth included.

Awesome.

“First girl you date after me, and it’s the whore. How much did you pay her?” Elizabeth says. Well, isn’t that just great. She sure seems like a keeper.

Jackson stops but says nothing. Their laughter fills the room.

I pull Jackson away from them. I’m not sure how much it bothers him, if he’s embarrassed, or if he’s still hurt by her. They dated longer than they’ve been broken up. Maybe he’s still sad, or something. I don’t know.

“You okay?” I ask him once we’re free of the stares and laughter.

“Fine.”

“I’m sure they’re just jealous,” I say. “Especially Elizabeth.”

“Anna.” He puts on his own version of a fake smile. “I said I’m fine.”

I nod, but I’m not sure I believe him. Maybe he’s hung up on her still. Maybe he’s thinking about what happened between us and wishing it had happened with her. Maybe he’s comparing us.

I have to get a grip. Why would I be jealous of her? She hurt him.

Me? I’d never do anything like that. I care too much about him to ever hurt him.

Even if that means keeping him from ever finding out the truth.