Nameless (20 page)

She tried again
to heave herself up, but her hands slipped and she lost her balance once more.
Jarred herself again when she landed.

Felt more
panicked than ever—no matter how utterly irrational it was.

The whole thing
was humiliating. Mortifying. Absolutely ridiculous. If she could just calm
down, she could steady herself and think through the best way to get herself to
her feet.

All she needed
to do was calm down and think. Not panic.

“Seth!” she called
before she could stop herself.

It was all
wrong. She hadn’t meant to call for help. She had meant to think clearly and
get herself up on her own. “Stupid,” she muttered, her whole body starting to
ache. “Stupid.”

Seth burst
through the door. “Erin?” He took in the situation at a glance and was
immediately on his knees beside her. “What happened? Are you all right? What’s
wrong? Damn it, Erin, talk to me!” His hands and eyes moved over her urgently,
as if desperately searching for any damage that might have been done.

At least she
wasn’t the only one who’d fallen into a panic for no reason.

She tried to
laugh at the irony, but she couldn’t. She just couldn’t. “I can’t get up!”

For a moment, Seth
looked uncomprehending. As if he’d expected a disaster that hadn’t
materialized. Then his face transformed with a flood of relief.

It took him a
moment before he could finally say, in an admirably dry voice, “Well, why
didn’t you just say so?”

Erin just
scowled in response.

“I’m surprised
you’re willing to let me help,” Seth added.

“I don’t want
your help,” she explained. “But I got confused and can’t figure out how to get
up by myself.”

Seth smothered
a smile and stood up, scanning the situation briefly. Then he stepped around
her. Leaned over from behind. “I don’t want to just jerk you up by the arms, so
we’ll try it this way.”

Seth came at
her from behind and got his arms under her armpits. “Ready?”

She almost
laughed then at how they must look: Erin sprawled out on the bathroom floor and
Seth, in his suit, trying valiantly to haul her up. The more she visualized it,
the more she shook with amusement.

“Erin?” Seth’s
voice was right in her ear, and it was starting to sound concerned.

So she subdued
her giggles. “Ready.”

He began to
lift her, supporting the awkward weight of her upper body until Erin was able
to get her feet under her and hold herself up with her legs.

Soon, she was
standing on her own again, and she was torn between amusement and agonizing
embarrassment. To distract herself, she stuck her hands under the still running
faucet to rinse off the residual soap.

Seth had bent
over to pick up the diabolical bar of soap that had caused all the trouble. He
handed it to her. “I might suggest liquid soap from now on.”

“Shut up,” she
muttered, drying her hands.

Instead of
leaving, Seth just stood there in silence, watching her.

Feeling
uncomfortably self-conscious, dried her hands.

“Erin?” he
prompted at last.

She made a
face. “Thanks. I'm fine. I just panicked. I could have gotten myself up, although
I do appreciate your help.”

“Maybe you
should think about—”

“Don’t you dare
suggest that I need someone to look after me,” Erin interrupted angrily. “I’m
pregnant. Not incapacitated. Some women take care of little kids while they’re
this pregnant. I can at least manage to lug just myself around without a
babysitter.”

He swallowed so
hard she could see it in his throat. Looked heartily displeased. But didn’t
argue.

Erin got
another glimpse of herself in the mirror and shuddered. Remembered fondly how
nice she’d looked at the beginning of the evening.

Then she
focused again. She realized that Seth was probably just worried—not trying to
control her. He was concerned, not manipulating her or trying to take over
everything. And she supposed that it was nice that he was worried about her and
the baby. As long as he didn't let it get out of hand.

So her response
was much gentler than it had been before. “If it seems like I can’t manage on
my own, I won’t stay by myself anymore. I promise. You know I wouldn’t put her
in danger.”

Seth’s face
relaxed slightly. “I know.”

“I’m awkward
and clumsy, like most pregnant women, but I’m doing just fine. Really.”

He nodded
slowly, almost reluctantly. “I know.”

Erin felt weird
at his easy compliance. And even weirder as she realized that he was getting
more wrapped up in this baby than he’d intended, which would naturally lead him
to try to have more control over it.

But still, he
was being pretty reasonable, and she should be grateful for that—knowing he could
have acted far differently.

As she turned
to leave the bathroom, Erin gasped. Her lower back had clenched up painfully.

“What is it?” Seth
asked urgently, immediately ready for a crisis again.

“It’s just my
back. It hurts about half the time now, and it just cramped up.”

“Do you need
anything?”

Tonight, the
clench in her back was particularly bad. Probably from her antics on the
bathroom floor. She swallowed over the pain and answered, “No. It’s normal.
Just annoying. I think I’ll just lie down for a few minutes.”

They walked
into her bedroom together, and she carefully lowered herself onto the mattress,
rolling over onto her side and trying to relax her tense muscles.

The baby had
been kicking around since she’d started screaming at Seth. Erin could still
feel her moving restlessly.

Giving a long
sigh, Erin felt tired, confused, stressed, sore, and just wanted everything to
be over.

Seth sat down
on the side of the bed, and Erin could feel the mattress shift with his weight.
"How is she?" he asked softly.

"She's
fine. Just really active tonight." She noticed him eyeing her belly, so
she offered, "You can feel if you want."

He didn't
respond immediately, but eventually he moved his hand out slowly until it rested
on her abdomen. He only left it there for a minute before he moved it back to
the bed beside him.

“What about
this?” he began, in a low, textured voice.

Erin blinked at
him.

“I know I
suggested this before and you refused, but I still it’s the best possible
compromise. We hire a nanny who spends the days with her while you’re working.
But the nanny won’t live with you, and she won’t be around when you don’t want
her to be.”

Something tight
and desperate in Erin’s chest began to ease at his words. She’d adamantly
rejected the suggestion three months ago, but that was when she was determined
not to accept his money at all. “That might work.”

“You’d let me
pay for that, at least?”

Erin let out
her breath. To hide her overwhelming relief at this compromise, she said, “Yes.
But you don’t get to be the one who hires her. I need to be able to make that
decision.” She saw Seth’s face twist, but before he could object, she
explained, “I don’t mean you don’t get a say. You can, of course, approve
whoever I find. You can check her out to your heart’s content and make sure you
agree with the choice.”

Seth was silent
for a moment. Then he nodded. “Agreed.”

Erin closed her
eyes. “Thank God, that’s settled.”

He was silent
again—for longer, this time. “I really wasn’t trying to raise your lifestyle up
to my standards. I just want the best for her.”

“I know you do.
It’s an awkward situation, but I don’t want her to have that kind of lifestyle.
I don’t live like that, so she won’t either. She’s going to have as normal a
childhood as possible.”

“Understood.”

She reached
over to pat Seth's thigh companionably, but winced a little at the ache in her
back when she moved. “I need to turn over,” she explained as she shifted
awkwardly to her other side. She reached over and grabbed a pillow. Positioned
it between her knees in an attempt to ease the pressure on her back.

She'd turned
away from Seth, but she could sense him moving behind her. Felt a little
self-conscious and exposed with her back to him in this position—the same
position they'd used to fuck two months ago.

Then suddenly
his hands were on her shoulders.

She jerked
away. “What are you doing?” she demanded, glaring at him over her shoulder.

Seth made an
exasperated face. “I thought your back was hurting, so I was going to give you
a backrub.”

Erin blushed
hotly as she realized that her automatic response had been woefully, stupidly
wrong-headed. “Oh.”

“What did you
think I was doing?”

She blushed
even more deeply. “Nothing.”

Apparently, Seth
figured it out anyway. “For God’s sake, Erin. You’re eight months pregnant,
we’ve been arguing for an hour, I just hauled you up from the bathroom floor,
you’re still on the verge of tears, and your back is hurting so much you wince
every time you move. Do you really think I’m in the mood to proposition you?”

Erin scowled.
Certainly, this wasn’t an ideal time for sex, but he didn’t have to make it
sound
that
repellant.

True, she wasn’t
at her best this evening, and she hadn’t looked or felt sexy for weeks. But,
still, he’d enjoyed it last time.

She muttered
grumpily, “I sure hope not.”

Seth glared at
her, just as bad-tempered as she was. “Do you want a backrub or not?”

“Yes, please.”

He started on
her shoulders and moved downward, and his hands were strong and skillful as he
kneaded her tired, tense muscles through her thin shirt.

It felt
incredible. To begin with, Erin released long, blissful sighs as he massaged
her expertly. But soon the sighs turned into hoarse moans. And then to low
cries of, “Oh, God, that’s good,” and “Yeah, there, right there.”

She stretched
and groaned in pleasure—her body responding deliciously to his touch by
relaxing completely.

After a while,
she realized he couldn’t get to the side she was lying on, so she murmured, “I
need to turn over.”

Seth removed
his hands, and she slowly and awkwardly switched onto her other side. Seth
shifted to the other side of the bed and started up the lovely backrub once
more.

Erin immediately
started moaning and gasping with pleasure again. “God,” she breathed at last,
“I’ve been missing out all these months.”

He didn’t
answer.

“You’re really
good at this,” she added, deciding he deserved a little praise.

No answer.

“I mean,
really. You could start a new career as a masseur.”

Again, no
answer.

It was getting
annoying.

She glanced
over her shoulder. “Seth?” His face was tense and slightly flushed, which was
quite unexpected. “You all right?”

“I’m fine,” he
gritted out.

And suddenly, Erin
experienced a flood of enlightenment. Since she couldn’t maneuver her body
enough to actually look down to prove her suspicions, she reached behind her
blindly until she found his crotch.

Until she felt
the hard bulge there.

“Ha!” she
gloated, feeling more gratified than offended and recognizing a sudden rush of
something akin to relief. “Liar! You said you weren’t in the mood.”

Seth narrowed
his eyes and glared at her stonily, attempting to retain his dignity in
admittedly discomfiting circumstances. “I wasn’t. Until you proceeded to moan
and writhe in pleasure for the last half-hour, as if you were in the throes of
passion.”

Erin gasped
indignantly. “It hasn’t been a half-hour! And I did no such thing!”

“You certainly
did. It was like the soundtrack to a porn film.”

Erin tried to
recall what she’d said as she’d been getting that wonderful backrub. Decided
she
might
have gotten a little carried away. “Sorry. I didn't mean to.
It’s just that I really did appreciate the backrub.”

“Yes, I
gathered that from your enthusiastic verbal response.”

His voice was
so dry and ironic—a sure sign that he wasn’t really annoyed—that Erin giggled.
“Sorry about that. It never occurred to me that...I mean, I just assumed you
wouldn't...After all, I'm...Plus, I’m really not in the mood.”

“I know.” He
spoke as if what she'd just said had made sense.

Erin tried to
sort through her responses, recognizing that she was a little embarrassed, and
a little gratified, and a little uncertain, and a little relieved that Seth
wasn't totally immune to her dubious charms.

She also
realized that she was going to have to be very careful. Not about her verbal
responses to getting a backrub from Seth, but about relying too much on him for
too many things.

As soon as she
was no longer pregnant, Seth wasn’t likely to be there to have dinner with her,
haul her up off the bathroom floor, help her when she was sick, give her
intimate backrubs, or give her ego a boost by getting turned on even though she
was an enormous, blubbering mess.

He was into
this pregnancy. He wasn’t into
her
.

He was growing
to care about their daughter. He'd never said or revealed anything that should
make Erin think he cared about her too.

He liked her
well enough, she supposed. Just as she liked him.

But he had his
own life and his own dating interests. And that was perfectly fine.

It would be
wise, though, to start preparing for the inevitable distancing. He wasn’t
likely to be so protective and supportive of her once she was no longer
carrying his baby.

She’d enjoy the
privileges while she could, but she wouldn’t lose her realistic and somewhat
cynical perspective.

People didn’t
often change, and the way they most commonly surprised you was by disappointing
you.