Nanny and the Professor (20 page)

"Cassie?"

She jumped, and couldn't decide whether it was her name breaking the night silence or Joshua's appearance at this particular moment that had startled her more.

"I didn't mean to frighten you," he apologized.

She shook her head. "It's okay," she told him. "I was just thinking of you."

"Oh, yeah?"

The teasing glint in his eye made her heart flip over in her chest. But the decision to cool things between them was too near, too raw, too important for her to react as she wanted–
in kind
– so she simply erased all emotion from her face.

Evidently he didn't notice the change in her and he took a step closer, reaching out with both hands to clasp her upper arms.

His lips looked so inviting and he smelled wonderfully woodsy, and his fingers on her flesh felt warm and strong and secure, but she forced herself to close her eyes for the briefest second so she could block the sensory information that bombarded her brain.

"Joshua." His name ripped from her throat in a tortured whisper.

His brow immediately wrinkled. "What is it?" he asked. "What's wrong? Did something happen? Did someone say something to upset you?"

He made to pull her to him, but she stopped him by pressing her palm against his hard chest. "Please," she said. "If you don't mind, I'd like to go home."

The crease between his dark, intense eyes deepened. "You aren't having a good time?"

"It's not that. I'm not feeling well," she lied, and realized immediately that this probably wouldn't be the last one she told him.

"Of course we can go home," he said. "Let's go say our goodbyes–"

"Do we have to?" she asked in a rush. The thought of going back into that house, of facing those people, sent nervous tremors throughout her whole body that had her actually feeling sick to her stomach.

"Well," he said, "I really should thank Nathan..."

"Of course."
She nodded. "But, would you say goodbye for me? Give him my regrets? I'll meet you at the car."

"Sure." He gave her a quick, reassuring smile before turning back toward the house.

Cassie stood there for several minutes feeling so utterly alone she thought her heart would break right in two. And when she finally did start out toward the car, she purposefully gave the house a very wide berth, sticking to the shadows as much as possible. Still, she could hear the music, the echoing laughter, and a heavy mantle of humiliation settled over her as though every person at the party knew her disgraceful secret.

She could never be a part of that kind of life. She would always be on the fringe of such a group of people– never belonging– and the disgrace she felt solidified into a deep sense of sadness. She could almost feel the chasm between Joshua and herself widening with every passing second.

~
 
~
 
~

Joshua sat in his study, absently tapping a pencil against the desk top. Amazing how such a tiny sound could become so hypnotic. Self-hypnosis was known to focus the attention, heighten the senses, improve experiences, but lately he would have preferred to avoid his thoughts. He'd rather he was distracted from the unrelenting frustration that beleaguered him. The gray and brooding afternoon sky perfectly matched his mood. He should be in his laboratory at the university, or at least wading through the pile of essays on his desk waiting to be graded. But thoughts of Cassie kept intruding on him, keeping him from his long 'to do' list.

A week ago she had acted like the lover of a lifetime, her kiss had been wet and wonderful, her exploring hands, hot and bold. The desire she'd stirred in him had made his blood boil. The kisses they'd shared in the moonlight, even now as he brought the vivid image to mind, could make his need for her painfully and physically evident– so evident, in fact, that it was necessary for him to shift his position in his chair to relieve the discomfort. Damn, if he didn't stop this, he'd need to go take yet another icy shower.

But something else had happened that night. The two of them had gone off to that party, and Cassie had returned home… changed. Joshua hadn't been able to figure out why; he had no idea what had happened, but the passion that had erupted in her on the evening of the party had cooled.
Significantly.
Hell, it had frozen glacier-solid.

He'd attempted to talk to her about it, but discussing such a personal topic meant getting her alone. Whenever he was home, either the boys were always playing nearby or Cassie was flying off on some pretense or another. He knew her little excursions were only ploys she was using to avoid him. And she'd become very adept at those ploys over the past seven days.

The past week hadn't been without its advantages. He'd learned a few things about Cassie. She loved kids. When Eric and Andrew were around, she put them first. Joshua liked that, and with each day that passed, he was more and more delighted that she was helping him raise his son. He'd come to the conclusion that no one could do a better job of it.

He'd also noticed how much Cassie read. She seemed insatiable for information. Whenever the boys asked her a question, or if there was a conversation at dinner, she could often be found reading the topic so she could share her discoveries with Andrew and Eric.

Her self-confidence and pride couldn't be missed. She cared about how she looked, cared about how the boys dressed, kept their clothes and their rooms clean and well-organized, as well as the rest of the house. And she was thrifty; some of the household expenses had been drastically cut. The grocery bill, for instance, yet they still enjoyed delicious meals. He didn't know how she did it.

She was kind and compassionate. He'd learned that Cassie had driven Aunt Mary around town to run errands. He hadn't even realized his aunt needed as much help as she did. Yet, Cassie had noticed, and she'd stepped up and offered her services.

It seemed the woman was a perfect package.
Capable, loving, giving, beautiful… and sexy as hell.

Memories wafted like ghosts to haunt him; the scent of her skin, the taste of her mouth, the fullness of her breasts… the lush roundness had fit perfectly in his palm. The thought made Joshua want to groan.

So here he sat on this dreary Saturday morning feeling nothing but deprived. He had a mountain of research data in need of interpreting, essays left unread, and tests waiting to be graded, yet he was helplessly focusing all his energies on the woman living under his roof– so close, yet so damned far away.

As though his thinking of her conjured her image, she inched open his study door and entered. He stopped tapping, went completely still and watched her. She obviously hadn't noticed he was in the room because, without looking up, she moved to the bookcase to her right, slid the book she had been carrying into its empty slot, and then turned back toward the door.

He watched her graceful movements and his gut wrenched, and he thanked his lucky stars for this prime opportunity. They would have this out.
Now.

Just as her hand touched the doorknob, he spoke her name.

Cassie's heart lurched in her chest and her gaze flew across the gloomy room to where Joshua sat behind his desk. "I thought you'd gone to the university." She could hear the accusation in her voice.

"As you can see," he said, "I'm right here."

"I was only putting back the dictionary I used last night."

"There's no need to be contrite. I've already given you permission to use the library whenever you please."

He snapped on the reading lamp on his desk top and she could feel his intense eyes lock onto her like a tracking device designed to draw her nearer. There was a quarrel in the
air,
she could feel its density pressing in on her. Or was that her self-consciousness?

Last Saturday night she'd decided to let Joshua know that a relationship between them was impossible, but she hadn't been able to bring herself to do it. She had known she'd have to invent a pack of lies to answer his inevitable questions and she just couldn't gather enough courage to face the ordeal. That wasn't like her. She normally liked to meet difficulty head on. But this
thing
with Joshua was too overwhelming. So she'd simply stayed as far away from him as possible.

Since avoiding him had failed, she might as well relent to the conflict that crackled in the atmosphere. "I'm sorry I didn't knock," she said, her tone anything but apologetic. "But, like I said, I thought you'd left the house."

He stared silently for a moment before asking, "Cassie, how long is this going to go on? What's wrong? What happened? I need for you to talk to me."

Her heart nearly broke at the hurt revealed in his questions, but she couldn't let herself react to that. She had to focus on the cold, hard facts of the matter, not the soft and tender emotions.

"Nothing's wrong."

There it was.
Lie
number one.

And the lie was like a sharp arrow that pierced him to the bone, she could see it from his pained expression.

"Please talk to me." He rested his elbow on the desk, his chin on his thumb. "We need to talk about what happened last weekend. We need to talk about us."

His eyes conveyed so much raw
emotion,
Cassie had to force herself not to look away. Anxiety rose inside her like fumes from a smoky fire that threatened to choke the life right out of her.

"But... the boys are waiting."

Lie
number two. But she conjured this deception with a hesitation in her raspy voice. Nevertheless the lie shot through the air, straight and true, landing with a wounding
thunk
.

"Maybe we can talk later," she said.

Lie
number three. Because if she had anything to do with it, they'd never discuss last Saturday night, they'd never talk about surrendering to the sexual attraction that seemed stronger than she was. She knew it was stupid to think she could put if off forever; she knew she couldn't. But she could postpone it as long as possible. He made her weak; her feelings for him made her weak, and she didn't like it.

The distress evident in his dark eyes only added to her apprehension. And the apprehension rose to panic level as she watched him stand, come around the desk, and move past her to close the door. The latch clicked loudly in the silent room, and she felt cut off from the outside world.

"You will talk to me," he quietly demanded.
"Right here.
Right now."

She felt her eyes widen as she fought back the hysteria surging over her panic. What could she tell him? What lies could she use to make him
–

The realization of what she was doing, what she was about to do, struck her like a stinging slap across the face. Lying to him only jeopardized her integrity. Lying only diminished her self-respect. Deceit was a mean and repulsive thing.

But the truth would cost her everything.

As though deciphering her chaotic thoughts, Joshua said, "All I'm looking for are some honest answers."

At that moment the riot of anxiety inside her froze into a dense mass of fear. "I can't," she whispered, shaking her head.

"I want to know what happened between us. You're not leaving this room until you tell me what happened last weekend to make you–" his fingers grasped at empty air in frustration as he searched for a word "–change."

She understood exactly what he meant, he didn't need to explain. "Please." She felt her throat swell with emotion. "Don't make me tell you."

The golden flecks in his brown eyes glittered with determination. "I want to know. I need to know, Cassie."