Naughty Wishes 4: Soul (6 page)

Today, when they’d had to turn their attention back to work and real-world demands, she’d expected the feeling to vanish, but as the morning progressed and she struggled with her reports, it came and went more frequently, an urgency that pricked at her until she couldn’t sit still. The uncomfortable tides of emotion and physical agitation made her feel slightly hysterical one moment, close to tears another. But when it passed, everything else was a humming euphoria, it had to be a temporary thing.

When it had happened during the weekend, all she’d wanted to do was jump whichever one of them was available. Pounding, insistent sex appeased it for a time. She should have talked about it to Flo, and couldn’t pinpoint why she hadn’t.

Stop it. You have to work. You remember work, right? That thing that allows you to pay your bills.

She shook it off, but compromised. For every fifteen minutes she worked, she indulged in a two minute fantasy flashback. As soon as it gave way to that strange, less comfortable feeling, she forced her attention back to the job. It didn’t result in a terribly productive day, but she supposed the silly grin Flo kept seeing on her face for the fantasy part of things provided her co-worker some Monday morning levity. And kept her from noticing the other, darker feeling Sam was unable to comprehend.

At least by quitting time, Flo’s Aleve and chocolate had helped restore her energy and flexibility. As she pulled into the driveway and got the mail from the box, Sam was moving more easily. She flipped through the mail, mostly bills and junk, and found a hand-addressed lavender envelope from Naughty Bits. Opening it up, she smelled a hint of jasmine. Reading through the contents, she smiled, making a note to share the invitation with her men.

Her men. She liked thinking of them that way. Curiously, though, when she thought of Geoff alone, she simply thought
Master
. She’d even doodled it on her notepad while on the phone resolving an account problem today.
Sir
came more easily to her in front of Chris, though she wasn’t sure why she was self-conscious about calling Geoff
Master
with Chris watching.

She paused in the kitchen, clutching the mail to her chest, overcome with a longing for the two of them so hard it almost made her lightheaded. “Stop it,” she whispered. She knew there was something wrong with the strength and tone of that feeling. It was like the exuberance of a child confronted with pounds of candy and no parent to supervise how much was consumed. Over time, that ebullience would give way to uncertainty and unbalance, as well as a weird, unsettling panic, as if tipping over an edge with nothing to hold. A blind search for structure, safety and control needed would be accompanied by a serious sugar crash.

She wanted to keep consuming the candy, but she was an adult. She knew how to tell herself no, right? Yet she resisted that idea like a child, resentful that too much candy could make her sick. She was going to keep eating it until someone told her no . . .

Well, someone had said
no
, hadn’t they? She wondered if that was the root of what was bugging her. At the end of the weekend, Geoff had suggested no sex or sexual activity for the next several days, giving them a mental breather to wrap their minds around what had happened thus far. Which she’d agreed to, in theory, though her assent had felt hollow to her. They needed to keep pushing this. Didn’t they see that, feel that, the way she did?

She shook her head. Even if she had talked to Flo about it, she wasn’t sure how she would have presented it. Her mind was cycling like an engine caught in a higher gear, with no way to downshift. Then suddenly it switched off again, leaving her achy and uncertain. Strangely empty.

Fortunately her phone distracted her from the dilemma, with a beep tone that told her she’d received a text from Chris or Geoff.

When she opened it, she saw Geoff had sent one to them both. Hey, Merry’s got a free overnight for us at her Bat Cave place. The one with the crazy decorating and hot tub. Fri-Sat, just the three of us. Sound good?

Chris had sent a thumbs-up emoticon, and she did the same. They’d gone up to Bat Cave before. The quaint little North Carolina town was in the shadow of Chimney Rock. However, on their previous trips they’d been there with Merry and her husband. This would be the first time they’d have the place to themselves, under their new circumstances.

She frowned.
Circumstances.
When people talked about a threesome, they thought of something temporary, a fling or fantasy come to life. She thought of what Chris had said, joking about the unrelenting demands of three-way sex. But that wasn’t the main obstacle to thinking of a threesome as . . . a relationship. A permanent one. Society, emotions, jealousy . . . hell, tax returns. Things weren’t set up for three people to be bonded, were they?

Going into her bedroom with a fruit snack, she sat down at her computer and pulled up the FetLife website, one of the more reputable lifestyle forums. She typed in
polyamory
. That was the term Flo’s friends used, the ones Sam had met when Flo took her to their private parties.

From listening to their discussions, she knew swinging was categorized differently from polyamory. Yet polyamory had its own subcategories. Three or more polyamorous partners whose connections were primarily sexual were still considered different from swinging because the connections were long-term and consistent, though it appeared the lines could be blurred. Then there was further overlap with three or more partners who shared lives as married couples did, which could include child care, living together and providing emotional support as well as physical intimacy. While it reassured Sam to know her questions weren’t unique, the different opinions offered on the forum thread made her head spin.

Throw in the BDSM elements, and it became even more complex. There were plenty of permutations of Masters, subs, slaves, domestic discipline households and the like. As she read through different postings, she found some of it matched what she knew about her, Geoff and Chris, and some of it didn’t. Did it have to fit, or was it like an ocean, with all different types of life and ecosystems that worked as a part of the whole? She liked thinking of it that way.

The funny thing was, she was a traditional girl. She’d always thought of a relationship as falling in love, getting married, maybe having kids. How did that work if she was in love with two men? What would her parents and siblings think? She wouldn’t spend her life hiding who she loved. She was part of a practical, up-front family, and she couldn’t see herself pretending to be something she wasn’t with them, no matter their initial disapproval or negative reactions. They loved her and she loved them; hence, they’d work around to acceptance or at least tolerance in time. They all knew Geoff and Chris, and her parents liked them both a lot. Even though they’d initially had mixed feelings about her living with two men, they’d seemed okay with it when they understood it was a roommates situation. Though her mother had nudged her in Chris’s direction. Then Geoff’s. Or maybe both?

Sam grinned, remembering the conversation she’d had with her mother on the Fourth of July. They’d been at Sam’s parents’ house for their annual picnic, and she and her mother were replenishing bowls of food her dad, her brothers, Chris and Geoff had demolished like locusts.

“That Chris is one nice young man,” her mother said, filling up the potato salad bowl anew. “A hard worker, and kind. Kind is important.” She gave Sam a significant look.

“So’s a really nice butt.” Sam elbowed her mom with a grin. “Both he and Geoff have that.”

“That’s true enough.” Her mother sniffed. “But you already know love is more than a nice body.”

“Maybe, but if I agree, you’ll go into full-blown matchmaking. You don’t like Geoff?”

“I like them both. There’s just . . . Geoff can be a little intimidating at times. I’m not sure if he’d be the best long-term partner.” Her mother had paused thoughtfully. “But he’s smart, and I’m sure he’ll be successful. And there’s a sharpness to him that says he’d always take being the head of a family very seriously. Sometimes Chris is a little too . . . unfocused. Not in a bad way. I think he’ll just need people in his life to give him direction and purpose.” She sighed. “Too bad you can’t just put the best parts of both of them together. Then you’d be all set. If you were interested in either one of them, that is.”

“Mom,” Sam said with mock severity. “No matchmaking.”

“Can’t help it. It’s a mother’s right.”

***

Her mother had inadvertently pointed to the exact solution Sam had reached herself. The two men together filled all her empty spaces and corners, and she thought maybe it worked the same for them. She hoped so.

Jace, her oldest brother, would probably be the first one to accept it. That thought took her to another get-together, this time a cookout they’d had at their own house, within the past couple of months. They’d invited a few friends and, since her brother only lived thirty miles away when he was home on leave, she’d invited him and his current flavor of the month.

It wasn’t as derogatory as it sounded. She usually liked the girls Jace dated; it was merely obvious that he was with them for sexual companionship, rather than a long-term relationship. With Jace’s looks and personality, he never lacked for female company to warm his bed when he was home.

Maybe Sam was overly romantic, but she believed it was never too early to find the love of your life, and she wanted that for him. She understood he was pretty dedicated to his military career and didn’t feel there was yet room in it to start a family. He was always honest with and kind to the women, so she didn’t have to go after him for being a dick. However, given his attitude toward his own relationships, he’d shown a surprising level of insight into her own situation.

At the cookout, she’d left off her teasing of Chris about his grilling style when Geoff had chased her away with a spatula, telling her outdoor cooking was serious man business. Jace was already eating one of the first round of burgers, so she came over to sit with him at their picnic table. As she leaned against him companionably, he gave her a bemused look. “You involved with either of them?” he’d asked in a neutral voice. “Or both?”

She was glad she wasn’t eating anything, else she would have choked. Her knee-jerk reaction was to deny, to elbow her brother as if he was making a joke, but since he wasn’t playing, suddenly she didn’t want to do so, either. She hadn’t broached anything with Geoff or Chris yet, though she’d been percolating on it more and more.

Out of all her siblings, she was closest to Jace, so it made sense that he’d picked up on what she hadn’t yet voiced to anyone else.

“No and yes. It’s complicated.”

“Hmm. Can’t choose?”

“Don’t want to. Not sure . . . if I need to.” She stole a glance at him, uncertain what she’d see in his expression.

Jace took a few more bites before he said anything else. “Well, it sounds strange saying this, but you three look good . . . as a unit. And you’re happier than I’ve ever seen you. So whatever’s happening or going on, as long as you stay that way, I’d say follow your heart. They’re good men. Both of them. But if they fuck you over, I’ll kick their asses. You know that, right?”

She put her arms around him. He was wearing his Captain America T-shirt, a gift she’d given him after he finished his first tour in Iraq. He’d worn it so much it was thin and fading. She loved him for that, despite the ribbing she knew friends in his unit gave him about it. “They watch after me as well as you do,” she promised him. “They’d never hurt me on purpose. Whatever happens, whatever I decide . . . We’ll make our stumbles together, if that makes sense.”

“Yeah. Not like me and Traci. She’s not all that much into the stumbling.” He smiled at the pretty blonde he’d brought with him. She was chatting with one of the wives of Esteban’s landscaping crew. “Think she’s mostly about hooking up with a hot military guy. When she realizes I’m no different from any other jerk who leaves his underwear on the floor—except I know how to deactivate bombs—she’ll split. But it’ll be fun while it lasts. I’m not where you are yet, little sis. That could be good, though. If you trip all the land mines first, you can put me on course when I find the right woman.”

“Gee, thanks,” she said. “Not that you’d listen anyway, you and your dumbass hard head. It’s all about boobs and long legs for you.”

“Hey, whoever I marry, it will be about way more than that, so it’s best to take my fill of the shallow stuff while I can.” He winked and pushed his plate at her. “Got any more of those burgers?”

Coming back to the present once again, Sam said her usual daily prayer for Jace, back overseas now, and studied the computer screen. She couldn’t read any more of this. She wanted Geoff and Chris. That needy feeling was rising, capturing not only her body but her mind, disturbing her anew. Focusing on her reflection in the computer screen, she could tell she was too wound up. Maybe she should use her vibrator. Maybe more than once. Was it possible to get stuck in an “on” setting when it came to physical arousal? But these waves of agitation were more than being horny, a word she particularly despised for its crudity, so she wasn’t sure why she was using it now.

To follow Geoff’s rules, she’d need to text or call one of them to use the vibrator. Or she could say to hell with that, do it and not tell them at all. Or ask for forgiveness. She shifted. That wasn’t what she wanted, either, damn it. A power exchange was a willing thing. It wasn’t like Geoff could force her to ask permission to get off. But the point was she was giving him that control, right? That was what turned her on, as much as it did him.

She shoved away the chaotic roar of her hormones and whatever else was going on in her head and brought herself back to the more important topic at hand—whether this would work long-term. Was she naive to think the word
forever
when it came to the two of them? She wasn’t a teenager anymore.

Maybe it was possible to integrate all of the possibilities and lock them in place with Chris’s philosophy of slow living. Soak up the experience rather than worrying it away, all while remembering who and what was important. If they could do that, if she could do that, maybe they’d stumble into the right way to make a go of this.