Necessary Evil of Nathan Miller (5 page)

It took two tries to get the words out
and even then my voice was so quiet I don’t think he heard me over
the running water as he washed his hands. "Thank you."

When Nathan returned, he sat beside me
and started to help me with my breakfast. A waft of steam, sulphur
and salt as he lifted the cover – those eggs smelled good.

He opened the butter and began
spreading it across my toast.

He’s going to help me. He’ll probably
even feed me.

He lifted up the box of cereal, pouring
cornflakes into the bowl. Dark thoughts stirred, a memory of stale
dry cereal in the dark, choking it down as unseen hands fed me.
Even the thought of being fed like a baby again makes me lose my
appetite.
My throat contracted at the memory. Desperately, I
tried to force it away.

He said something that I didn’t catch
as he started cutting my eggs into small pieces. He loaded a piece
onto the fork and held it out for me. Not like feeding a baby –
more like holding a carrot out to tempt a horse.

I closed my eyes and ate even that
small bite carefully. How long since I’d last had solid food? Could
my stomach handle it?

I realised that I couldn’t make it to
the toilet to throw up. I’d be sick on the floor, or in Nathan’s
bed. Either way, he’d see me do it and that’s a horrible thing to
do to someone.

But I’m not going to be sick,
I
told myself.
I’m hungry, not nauseous.

I opened my eyes to meet his.

"More?" he asked, already loading up
the fork again.

"Please." I tried to respond with a
smile of my own, but my face still felt too heavy.

Never did he make a belittling comment.
He offered me every bite, as courteous as a waiter proffering a
tray of finger food. Two bites into the toast and I was full, my
stomach shrunken after so much time eating so little.

"More toast?" he asked, holding up the
barely touched slice. "Or some cereal?" He reached for the
spoon.

I shook my head as emphatically as I
could, trying to keep my eyes on the toast and the toast inside my
stomach. I forced myself to swallow.

My mouth was dry. Now I could have done
with the spilled orange juice. My eyes strayed to my bed, where the
orange had soaked into the sheets like dye.

He’s kind,
I told myself.
He
even tries to save me from humiliating myself, which is far more
than he promised.

He reached for something on his tray as
I put my arms around him, holding him close so that he’d hear me
thank him this time.

Too late I realised that he’d picked up
his own juice, which he now held precariously in his hand. As the
juice in the glass slopped dangerously I pulled back from him, not
wanting to spill this one, too. Embarrassed, I looked down at my
hands.

The nurse’s voice startled me. "She
shouldn’t be out of her bed."

Nathan explained to her how my bed
needed fresh sheets because of spilled orange juice. He loaded the
explanation with innuendo, reinforced with a charming smile, until
the nurse blushed and stumbled over her words.

Hello, Mr Sleazy Roommate,
I
thought, turning away to hide my smile. I wondered why he hadn’t
turned on the charm for me yet. Maybe he liked tall, blonde girls
with bigger boobs than mine.

His knuckles were white as he gripped
the glass of orange juice, its contents still not quite steady. He
set it down on the tray, focussing on flirting with the nurse.

So I didn't imagine it, the way he'd
jumped when I touched him,
I thought. I hadn’t hurt him this
time – I’d been careful not to touch where he’d been shot
. I
make this charming man nervous and unsettled.

The thought cheered me even more and I
felt a smile on my lips that was lighter than before.

His eyes were on the nurse changing my
bed linen, so he didn’t see me smile. Nor did he notice me stealing
the remainder of his orange juice.

Part 15

"Are you sure you’ll be okay?" Nathan
asked, looking worried. I surveyed the remains of my breakfast
tray. Only the cereal was untouched, just like yesterday.

He’d switched the TV on and there was a
movie on that I hadn’t seen yet. He seemed antsy to leave, so I did
my best to look capable as I replied, "Sure. I’ll survive ‘til you
come back to feed me my next meal."

If I could have crossed my fingers, I
would have. I felt a peculiar sense of panic that he was deserting
me so soon – only a day after I was fully awake. I needed to know
that he’d be back.

Nathan smiled. "I wouldn’t miss
it."

My heart relaxed. "See you when you get
back, then," I said lightly, forcing my eyes to the TV screen.

Nathan said some form of goodbye and
left, looking as reluctant as I felt.

He’d been gone for maybe two minutes
before a nurse came in. "Hi," she said. "I don’t know if you
remember me – I’m Judith. We worked together a little when you were
on prac."

I looked at her and she did look
vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t remember much about her. "Were you
the one who told me about the food in the dining room?" I
guessed.

Judith smiled. "Recommending you try
the day’s curry and avoid the fish and chips? That sounds like me."
She held up a piece of paper. "Your friend wanted me to ask you to
ring her, whenever your sleazy roommate was out. Now your guard is
phoning in his daily report, he won’t hear me."

I brightened. "I have a guard? Nathan
didn’t just leave me here alone."

She laughed. "No, he has a host of his
muscly mates standing guard in the corridor, watching everyone like
bouncers do." She cleared her throat, offering the paper to me.

I leaned over to read the writing. I
recognised Jo’s name and number. I looked up at Judith. "She wants
to come and visit?"

She winked. "Yes, but when he’s not
around. I’ll help you dial."

She pressed the buttons and helped me
cradle the receiver between my cheek and my shoulder. "I’ll be in
and out, making your bed and changing your linen, so I’ll be back
in a minute, okay?" she said and I nodded, the phone ringing in my
ear.

"Mmm, hello?" Jo yawned.

"Good morning," I replied.

"OH! You’re up! I’ll be right there!
Oh…wait…here’s Jason. He can keep you company on the phone 'til I
get there." The phone crackled as the receiver was passed over.

"Good morning, beautiful," Jason
teased. I looked around. Judith must have gone to get fresh
sheets.

"Shut up, Jason. I definitely don’t
feel it today."

"Ah, you’re always beautiful, no matter
what you’re wearing. Is it one of those skimpy hospital gowns that
show off your arse?" he said lazily, in the voice that made other
girls pat their hair and check to see they were showing enough
cleavage.

My response was a little different.
"Fuck off. My arse is none of your business, nor is what I’m
wearing. They’ve got me wrapped up like a mummy, for reasons I have
yet to find out. You should stay away from the hospital or I’ll set
the nurses on you. They’ve already decided they don’t like my
roommate. They’d probably stake you outside for the
bandicoots."

Jason laughed. He never did believe me.
An endless bloody optimist toward relationships, he was the biggest
pessimist when it came to music, work or anything else. "Not even
for your birthday?"

I realised I didn’t know what day it
was. "How long ‘til my birthday?"

He laughed again. "They must be giving
you some really good drugs at the hospital. Your birthday’s next
week. I was going to give you the best present ever – me in my
birthday suit."

I suppressed the thought of him naked.
Once I might have thought of him in the way he wanted, but that was
when I was much younger. "Cool, you do that. I could do with a
laugh. Bring a magnifying glass with you – I need a new practice
dummy for tae kwan do."

I waited for that to sink in. I’d used
him as a punching bag once when I was still at school and I hoped
he remembered. I’d had a couple of drinks of vodka at his birthday
party and decided to give him a birthday kiss. He'd stuck his
clumsy tongue in my mouth, his groping hand up my shirt and his
horny hips against mine. I hoped he still hurt from my drunken
self-defence. I’d kneed him so hard I think I’d have broken his
boner, if it’d had bones in more than name.

His next laugh sounded forced. "Okay,
maybe a different present, then, but not as good."

"Yeah, whatever," I replied, losing
interest. I wondered when Judith would be back to help me end the
call.

"So, when do you think you’ll be ready
to play again?" Jason blurted out, as if that’s what he really
wanted to ask.

I looked at my gauzy hands. "A month,"
I decided. It’d take a fair few finger exercises to get my hands
back to normal after they’d healed, but I could get by with just a
keyboard for most gigs, if we stayed away from the songs where I
had to pick up a guitar.

"Fuck! A whole month?"

"I hurt my hands. They need to heal. In
a month I’ll probably have a few new songs for you to learn, too.
That’ll take you a while," I replied.

"New ones? Ah, I got us a gig playing
in one of the pubs in Freo – regular Saturday nights. As soon as
you’re old enough, you can be in, too," he said, sounding
generous.

I snorted. "As soon as I’m eighteen,
I’ll be telling you where we have our gigs, as well as what to
play. It’s my band, Jason, even if I can’t play in pubs ‘til after
next week. Don’t you forget it. Or you’ll have pleckies where your
nipples should be."

I forgot Jason liked kinky stuff. "Any
time you like, baby."

Fuck.
"Call me baby one more
time and I’ll shove your guitar up your arse." I felt my body
shudder as the shadow of a dark dream crossed my mind. A throwaway
statement now held horrible memories. I forced myself to focus on
the phone conversation and nothing else.

"And on that note, I’ll leave you to
think about my tight arse…and see you later!" He hung up.

Fucking Jason. He was a decent singer
and a good guitarist, but a hellishly horny human being. The day I
got with him would be the day before I killed myself, and the day
after all of hell’s demons had a career change selling ice cream,
fresh from the ice caves of hell. He might be Jo’s brother, but I
thought he’d sing better if he didn’t think with his balls.

Judith came in maybe a moment later.
"All done?" She smiled. "I brought you a fresh nightie. Let’s get
you changed before Mr Sleazy gets back."

I knew she was talking about Nathan,
but if she’d met Jason, she wouldn’t have worried.

Part 16

Dark – Chris – Angel – Baby – Apple

He swallowed, sounding nervous. "If
I…stay where you can see me but I can't touch you, will you lie
down? You need to recover. You'll need your strength." He moved a
few metres away, sitting cross-legged on the concrete with his
torch on me.

I lay down again, my eyes never leaving
him. "Why would you help me?" I demanded again.

"Because I didn't ask to do this. None
of this was my idea. I woke up in the back of that car maybe half
an hour before you came by."

"But you're going along with it.
Bondage, like out of some stupid erotica book," I responded
furiously.

"I tied you loosely and took the card
from your bag. I slipped it into your pocket, before they made me
throw the bag out the window." His voice dropped lower. "Your
name's Caitlin, right?"

I started at the sound of my name.
"How'd you know?"

"Your driver's licence, Caitlin."

I stayed silent for a moment, but the
urge to speak won. "Don't. My name is for my friends. You're not my
friend. You're someone I'm going to kill."

"I have to call you something.
Baby?"

The laughter in his voice set my teeth
on edge. "Fuck you. Call me that and I'll strangle you with my bare
hands."

"Angel? It's written on the front of
your shirt."

My shirt says I'm no angel, stupid. I
didn't say it. "Fine," I said instead.

"Do you want some Panadol for your
headache, angel?"

It sounded like a caress or an
endearment, the way he said it. Sleazy bastard. "Yes," I
admitted.

He stretched out his arm and placed an
open plastic box in the torch beam beside me. "It's fruit. Eat
something first." He dropped two pills on the plastic lid, sticking
it on the floor next to the box.

I ate a couple of pieces of apple
before I washed the pills down with my last mouthful of juice.

He said nothing.

I broke the silence. "Why am I here?
What do you want from me?"

I could hear the fear in his voice. "I
don't know."

Part 17

The knock at the door surprised me. I
looked up, expecting to see Judith.

"Good morning. Are you decent?" Jo’s
voice startled me, as she peered around the door with a smile.

Probably not, but there’s not much I
can do about it,
I thought. Instead, I tried to smile and told
her to come in.

She came straight to the bed and gave
me a one-armed hug, a plastic bag in her other hand. Then she
perched on the bed near my feet and said conspiratorially, "I
brought presents!" as she dumped the plastic bag in front of
me.

"Oooh, what?" I asked, curious.
Please don’t let it be a bottle of Passion Pop.

She started pulling things out of the
bag. "Chocolate, those sherbet things you like...I wasn’t sure if
you’d get any of your stuff from home, with your Dad still up north
for a few more weeks, so I picked up a few things from the shop
that I thought you’d need. Pyjamas and some underwear." She pulled
out a pair of satin pyjamas and a couple of pairs of knickers, all
with the tags still on. She laid them on the bed. "A brush and some
bathroom stuff. Including
this
." She held out an electric
toothbrush, still in the packaging, looking triumphant.