Need (6 page)

“Brianna? Are you there?”

“Yes,” I breathed.

“Concentrate. Listen to my voice. You’re fine. Nothing is going to hurt you,” he said in that voice that you just couldn’t argue with. 

I nodded even though I knew he couldn’t see. 

“Now, tell me what’s wrong.”

“I saw . . . the . . . dress,” I squeaked.

“You don’t like it?” he asked.

The fog was beginning to lift as I talked to him. “It’s beautiful.”

“Then what’s the problem? Why did you start to panic?”

“I don’t know if I can do it.”

“Do you want to go to the dinner with me?”

It was so much harder when he wasn’t here in front of me, but the memory of him asking still lingered. “Yes.”

“Do you doubt my ability to keep you safe?”

“No,” I quickly assured him.

“Then I see no problem. Try on your dress with Lily and we’ll talk about this more when I get home. Can you do that?”

“Yes, Sir. I can do that.”

“Good,” he said, and I could tell he was happy with my response. It made me smile. “I’ll see you tonight.”

Then he was gone, and I was left with Lily. She was less excited now and worry crossed her features. I tried to give her a little smile to let her know I was okay. The look on her face told me she didn’t buy it. Nevertheless, Lily held out her hand for me. She helped me put on the dress and guided me over to a long mirror in the corner. It was tight around my breasts and waist before it flowed to the floor. The way the dress touched the carpet made it look like I was floating. I couldn’t see my feet. 

“Will he . . . ?” I paused. “I mean . . .”

Lily’s head peeked around my shoulder, and she moved my hair out of the way so that my neck was fully exposed except for Stephan’s collar. “Yes,” she smiled. “I think Stephan will like it very much.”

Stephan

The day could not end quickly enough. I wanted to get home to Brianna. I needed to see her. Speak to her. Feel her. It was the only thing on my mind.

When I’d seen Lily’s name on my caller ID earlier it had taken great restraint not to bolt from my office and rush home. I knew there could only be one reason why she would be calling me; there had to be something wrong with Brianna.

When I stepped off the elevator, I felt the pressure in my chest begin to change. She was only yards away, just behind the door that was now in plain view. Both my body and my mind knew what it wanted.
Her
.

I turned the doorknob and walked into my condo. My eyes immediately began to search for Brianna.

She was right where I thought she’d be, just outside the kitchen waiting for me as she had been yesterday. The difference today was that she was looking up at me and smiling. I dropped my keys on the table beside the door and went to her.

I circled my arms around her, bringing her close. I heard a small sigh escape her as my hands traveled up her back and into her hair. “How are you feeling?” I whispered before pulling back to look into her eyes.

“Better,” she said, looking just as relieved as I felt.

I wondered if she felt any of the same pull I felt toward her. Even if she did, would it be enough for her to stay? Would she give a relationship between the two of us an opportunity to develop? Or would fear from her past block any chance we had? I didn’t know the answer, and I’m not sure she did either.

With that thought, I closed my eyes and let my lips find hers. She opened up to me and kissed me back. It was not full of heat like our kiss the night before, but it was just as full of emotion. At least, it was for me. I had no idea what Brianna was feeling. Although she was getting better every day, she was still reluctant to share her true feelings with me. I was hoping that would change soon. More than anything, I wanted to know what she was thinking.

We ate dinner—a delicious pasta dish with shrimp—and cleaned up. I went to my chair, and once she was finished she came to sit with me. I figured I would get right to the point and see where the conversation took us. “Tell me what happened with Lily.” I didn’t need to elaborate. She knew what I was talking about.

Brianna’s hands began to twist nervously in her lap. I covered them tightly with mine, which made her stop and look up. She wasn’t getting out of this. I wanted answers.

“What if I can’t . . . I mean, all those people. What if they know . . . what will they think of me? What if I . . . can’t . . . act right?”

I lifted my hand to brush the hair away from her face. It wasn’t a practical gesture since her hair wasn’t obstructing my view in any way. I just wanted to touch her. “You’ll be fine. It will be fine. I will hold your hand the entire night if you need me to.” 

She nodded, but that wasn’t good enough. I needed her to talk this through. 

“I need more than a nod, Brianna.”

“I . . . know.” She sighed. “Part of me knows that you will stay with me. That you wouldn’t let anything happen to me.” She pressed her lips together before she continued. “But there is this little voice inside that tells me to be afraid. That people are going to hurt me. I don’t know how to turn it off.” Her voice trailed off into a whisper.

“You lack confidence. It’s understandable. I can help you with that if you’ll let me,” I told her, holding her gaze so that she understood what I was talking about. “But even if you don’t, Brianna, I’ve made a commitment to you,” I said, my finger grazing her collar. “Until you tell me you do not wish to be with me. Until you remove this collar . . . I will do everything in my power to keep you safe.”

She started to nod again, but caught herself. “I believe you,” she said, but it lacked the confidence I’d hoped for.

Instead of pursuing it, though, I moved on. “How did your lunch with Lily go? Did she answer your questions?”

I felt her stiffen under my hands, but I decided to wait it out. It took just over a minute for her to squeak out, “Yes.”

“Tell me.”

And she did. It was slow going for a while, but then everything just kept tumbling out. I didn’t stop her, even though I knew we would need to talk about things in more detail.

Once she appeared to be finished, Brianna sagged against me, exhausted. I held her closer while my lips brushed lovingly against her temple. “Is it the pain that scares you the most?”

“Yes,” she said, but there was hesitation.

“You need to tell me. Communication, remember.”

She huddled closer, burrowing her face in my neck. “You’d want to have sex with me?”

“Sex scares you.”

“Yes,” she whispered.

“Brianna, did you ever have sex before you lived with Ian?” She shook her head. “So, you’ve never had sexual contact with a man willingly?”

“No,” she said softly.

“Sex can be an amazing thing, full of unbelievable sensations. I would love to show that world to you, but only if you would allow me. I told you before that I would not take it from you.”

She was quiet except for her breathing. Her right hand played with a button on my shirt, and she appeared to be deep in thought. 

“Will you let me show you, Brianna? Will you let me teach you how wonderful it can be? Let me give you a glimpse into the pleasures of my world.”

Again, she said nothing. I started to wonder if I had pushed her too far, too fast. Then she whispered, “You won’t hurt me? You’ll keep me safe?”

“Yes,” I said with no hint of doubt.

For the next forty-seven seconds, I waited as if my entire future depended on it. In a way it did. I wanted my future to include her, and if she turned down my offer, the chances of that future ever becoming a reality were slim. Then I heard the most beautiful word in the world. 

“Yes.”

Brianna

Yes. I’d actually said yes. What in the world, had I been thinking?

    Although that question lingered, I knew exactly what had been going through my mind. Stephan.

The thought of leaving him, the idea of not having him in my life anymore, scared me more than anything. He was like a light in the sea of darkness I’d been living in for so long. I just needed to find a way to do this for him.

I was lost in my thoughts, trying to figure out how I was going to do what I’d just agreed to, when I felt his arms circle me tighter. He pressed his forehead against mine and I could feel his breath on my face. 

“Open your eyes, Brianna.” 

I hadn’t realized I’d closed them, but I did what he asked and found his hazel ones staring back at me. 

“Are you all right?”

“Yes,” I whispered.

“What number?”

It had been a while since he’d asked me that, but after a moment, I answered, “Six.”

“Tell me why.” I started to avert my eyes, but his hand came up to hold my head in place. “No,” he said firmly.

It was so hard to look at him, but I did. “I’m scared,” I said. “I know you said . . .” I took a deep breath. “I know you said you wouldn’t hurt me, but . . .”

“But the fear doesn’t just go away,” he said, finishing the sentence for me.

I nodded.

He leaned back in his chair and pulled me with him. He guided my head to rest against his shoulder as he began slowly running his fingers through my hair. I loved this. When he touched me as he was doing now, I felt so safe. So cared for.

“Brianna, nothing is going to happen tonight.”

What?
“But I thought . . . ?”

“That as soon as you gave me the green light I would be dragging you into my bedroom to have my way with you?”

My only reaction was to push my body even closer to his. He was my only calm.

He responded by placing a kiss to my temple. “All I want to do tonight is talk. I know this is scary for you. I promise that I will push you, but I want this to be a positive experience. I want you to want this just as much as I do.”

His lips continued to move along my hairline as he spoke, sending a warm feeling down to my toes. “I don’t know if I can,” I said honestly.

“
I
know you can,” he said with confidence. It made me want to believe him. “It’s only your fear that holds you back. I’ve known that since the first week you were with me. I want to help you overcome that fear.” He paused before continuing. “Is that what you want? Do you want to chase those demons that haunt you away?”

I knew what he was asking. Did I want to live in fear my entire life? Did I trust him enough to help me work through the fear, and have a chance to be normal again? “I . . . want . . . to.”

“Good,” he said. “And do you trust me, Brianna?”

This time I didn’t have to think about it. “I trust you more than anyone else.”

I felt him nod. “That’s good, but I want more than that. I want you to be able to trust me completely, and I know that isn’t the case right now.”

As much as I wanted to tell him that I did trust him completely, I knew that he was right. There was still that little voice inside my head that told me I needed to be careful. That if I gave him what he wanted, he would hurt me.

We just sat there in a charged silence for several minutes before he said, “Your safewords will be very important as we go forward. I will be watching you closely, but I’m going to be pushing, and I need to know from you when you reach a certain point.”

The rest of the night was spent going over safewords again, and discussing what he expected of me in regard to communication in general. By the end of the evening, I felt relaxed. The fear I’d had at the beginning was pushed to the back of my mind, and I felt for the first time that I might actually be able to do this.

Before we went to our separate bedrooms, he leaned down and kissed me. The kiss had a new edge to it that I’d never felt before, and it sent my pulse quickening.

“Goodnight, Brianna,” he said before leaving me standing at my bedroom door staring at his retreating figure.

Thursday morning, as I was making breakfast, he disappeared upstairs for almost twenty minutes. I was putting everything on the table when he came back down.

As we were eating, I kept eyeing the paper he’d brought down with him that was lying at the other side of his plate. He waited until he was finished eating before handing it to me. 

“I want you to read this and write your thoughts about it in your journal. We’ll talk about it when I get home.” 

I nodded my agreement, and he smiled at me while getting up to complete his morning ritual before leaving for work.

The paper he’d given me talked about trust. It explained trust in a way that I’d never thought of before. I not only put that in my journal, but also told him that night as we were sitting in his chair. Although trusting someone did make me vulnerable, it also created a feeling of safety. Something I was already feeling when it came to him.

On Friday morning, Stephan did the same thing. He disappeared while I was cooking and brought another paper down with him. He left once again, giving me the same instructions as the day before.

This time, the paper talked about submission and what it meant. I found I had many questions after reading it and wrote them all down in my journal so that I wouldn’t forget. That night was the first time I let him read my journal.