Never Been Ready (28 page)

~Declan~

There were certain moments in life when I felt like I needed to hold my breath and close my eyes, so I could properly capture the magnitude of what I was experiencing.

I wished I'd fully captured the first time I saw had seen Leah —, sitting in that bar, her eyes meeting mine. I'd had no idea how much my life was about to change. If I could have bottled up that memory, savoring it for eternity, I would have.

When Sarah moved to the bottom of the stairs and called Connor's name, and I heard him running to the top of the stairs, I knew this was one of those moments. I'd had so few in my existence, but I knew this was a big one. I wished I could freeze-frame everything —the emotions, the feel in the air, and the anticipation —so I could always know what it felt like in this exact moment. The only other time I'd felt like this was when I had stood in Leah's father's kitchen right before I'd told her I loved her.

My heart hammered in my chest, and I felt like I could pass out from how fast my breaths were moving in and out of my lungs. In the next few seconds, I knew that my life would change.

It sounded like a herd of elephants were coming down the stairs, and it made me smile. My mom used to scream at me for stomping down the stairs when I was a kid.

I turned just in time to see him round the corner, and my heart froze in my chest.
His eyes...shit, Leah was right.
Even from a distance, I could see the resemblance to my own. It was like looking in a mirror. Everyone had always said my eyes were so unique...but not anymore. They had been cloned in this kid. The rest of him was like staring at a mash-up of Heather and me —or at least, what I remembered of Heather. He had my hair color, but his skin was fair like Heather's. I was always on the tan side, but Heather had always been light in complexion. He had several features that came from Heather, but overall, it was like looking at a younger version of myself.

He stopped dead in his tracks when he reached the living room. He gave us an appraising look. He looked me up and down, trying to figure out my place in his world. His eyes then shifted to Leah, and recognition registered across his small features.

"Hey, you're that nurse from the hospital," he said, allowing me to hear my child's voice for the first time ever.

He sounded so grown-up yet young at the same time, reminding me of his age. He was seven, going on eight. I'd missed the years where he'd learned to talk and said his words wrong. I'd missed him going to school for the first time, learning to read and write. Anger at Heather threatened to take over my calm demeanor, and I reminded myself that he was here. I'd found him. Leah had found him, and every day forward, I would be here.

Leah smiled at Connor's recognition of her. She bent down slightly, so she could be at eye level with him.

"That's right. I'm Leah, and this is Declan. He used to be a friend of your mom's. We thought you might like to spend the day with us. We were headed over to Colonial Williamsburg and thought you might like to join us."

"Well...Sarah took me there a few weeks ago...but I could be, like, your guide or whatever."

"That sounds great. Doesn't it, Declan?"

"Sounds perfect. Let's go!" I said.

Colonial Williamsburg was almost sectioned off from the rest of Williamsburg. It was about ten minutes from the newer area where Sarah and Devin lived. I followed the signs to the main gate, but Connor stopped me.

"You know, you don't have to buy tickets. You can see almost everything without having to buy a ticket."

"Really?"

"Yeah, Sarah told me so. She says the tickets are cool if you want to see reenactments or go into the buildings, but if you just wanna walk around, shop, and eat, you can just park and go in," he said.

"Well, glad we have our own tour guide to show us the ropes then," Leah said.

I saw Connor smile shyly in the rearview mirror.

We headed back to the street and found a lot to park in. It was a cold winter day, and there weren't as many people here since it wasn't tourist season, so parking wasn't an issue.

Getting out of the car, I pulled Leah to me and asked, "Did you know the thing about the tickets?"

"Of course I did. I've been here a gazillion times."

"Were you ever going to tell me, snuggle bear?"

"Mmm...nope. I love reenactments. Guys in colonial uniforms are hot. And snuggle bear? Seriously? That's gross."

I laughed. It really was awful, but I just couldn't resist. "It was worth a shot, and there will be no checking out anyone in a uniform...unless it's me."

"Yes, sir," she teased. "So, Connor, since you've been here, where's a good place to eat? I'm starved!"

Connor, being a child, suggested one of the pubs where everyone dressed in period clothing and said, "Ye," a lot. Luckily, the food was good, and we stuffed ourselves on bread and stew. After an hour-long meal though, Connor still hadn't spoken much. He'd stirred around his stew and pulled off pieces of his bread, but that had been it.

I gave Leah a look that basically said,
Am I doing something wrong?

She gave me a look back that was soft and warm as she held my hand under the table, giving it an encouraging squeeze.

After leaving the restaurant, we strolled around the dirt streets and visited several shops. Around the third one, Connor was busy, looking at a toy sword, when I came up next to him, trying to figure out what to talk about. Then, he beat me to it.

"How did you know my mom?" he asked quietly as he fiddled with the swords.

"She was, uh...my girlfriend for a long time," I answered honestly.

I briefly thought about just saying that we had been friends, but I didn't want to start out my relationship with my son on a lie. I was already lying about who I was. We didn't need any more deceit. I would do my best to always be truthful with him, especially with the things that truly mattered.

"But you broke up?"

"Yes. We realized we weren't right for each other, and I moved to California while she stayed in New York."

He was quiet for a long time after that as we made our way through the gift shop. He returned back to the swords several times. He'd pull one out and hold it in his hands like a little knight. I suddenly remembered I'd never given him his present. It was still sitting in the trunk of the car, and now, seeing him with that sword in his hand, it seemed unimpressive.

I found Leah by the jewelry as she was looking at a small silver necklace.

I asked, "Hey, would you mind walking with him to go get some hot cider while I get something real quick?"

"Sure," she answered, taking one last look at the necklace before gathering up Connor in search of cider.

I picked up my two purchases quickly and tucked the small one into my pocket. Then, I went in search for Connor and Leah and found them at a small stand selling hot cider. I came up, pulling the toy sword out of the bag as I approached. Connor turned and saw the sword, his eyes going wide with excitement.

"Every soldier needs a sword," I said, bending down to hand him the sword with a bit of flare.
Might as well put those acting skills to good use.

He took it in his hand and looked up at me in wonder.

"Thank you, Declan," he said.

It made me both happy and sad at the same time. It was the first time I'd made him happy, the first time I'd made him smile, and the first time he'd said thank you to me. But it had all been done under the false pretense that I was just another guy. I was just an old boyfriend of his mother's. I wasn't anyone special to him yet. I was just Declan.

I wanted that to change.

I still had one more gift to give.

I knelt down to Connor. "Hey, think you could help me out with something?"

He nodded enthusiastically. I was glad to see him happy even if it was temporary or wasn't quite the way I'd wanted it to be. He was happy, and that needed to be celebrated.

I pulled out the small box and handed it to him before motioning to Leah. He nodded, giving a half smile. He took the few steps to Leah and held out the box to her.

"What do you have there, Little Man?" she asked.

"It's from Declan."

"It's from both of us," I corrected, which made his half smile turn into a full smile as he held the box higher.

She gave me a cheesy grin and opened it, finding the silver necklace she'd been eyeing in the store. It really was beautiful. A lot of the things sold here were inexpensive and cheap. This was actually made by one of the silversmiths employed here, and it was a work of art, something not seen often in modern jewelry stores.

"Well, aren't you two charming?" she said.

Connor turned around, and I gave him a thumbs-up.

Leah bent down and gave Connor a quick kiss and a hug. He went into her arms easily. It was a familiar place for him, having been held by her the night of the accident. Seeing the woman I loved holding my child did something to me. It made my heart feel like it was too large for my chest.

Leah looked up at me with Connor's head tucked under hers as she mouthed,
I love you

I wanted them. I wanted both of them. This was my new reality, and I actually felt ready for all of it. Leah had said I was a father whether I was ready for it or not...and I was.

~Leah~

"So, you leave for a few days, and manage to become an overnight celebrity? Seriously, it's weird seeing your picture in the grocery store...Oh and Declan's a father and he's moving here?" Clare said, as we sat down inside Phil's for coffee and freshly baked scones.

"Mmmhmm," I said, taking a sip of my mocha as I settled into the flowery cushioned chair with my late breakfast.

"Is there anything else?"

"Ahh, nope. I think you got it all," I answered, taking another sip of my hot coffee. The liquid instantly warmed my body, warding off the chill from the outdoors.

"Wow, well...let's see. I got a new sweater while you were gone. Oh, and I went to the dentist, no cavities by the way, and Maddie attempted to braid my hair. I had knots for days. So, I mean...that's totally the same, right?"

"You let Maddie braid your hair?" I laughed. "I wouldn't let that crazy child near my hair for all the conditioner in the world. She's like a tornado with a brush."

"True that, but enough about my non-exciting life. Tell me everything!"

I did. We spent hours talking, and eating. When our coffees and food ran out, we ordered more. Phil kept our coffee table full of goodies and our coffee cups hot.

"I just can't believe you were with Connor that night. Can you imagine if it had been someone else Leah? Declan would have gone on for probably the rest of his life never knowing he had a child out there. What an amazing gift you gave him," she said.

I leaned my head back on the chair, remembering those first few days. "It didn't feel that way in the beginning. There were times when I thought I might lose him. It was just so much for him to take in all at once, I was so scared he was going to crumble under the pressure. But, the minute he saw Connor, he was different."

Clare gave a knowing smile, "He became a parent."

"Yes, I guess so. He just became so much more focused. Before we got that phone call that we could see him, he was all over the place...up, down...positive, negative. But seeing him finally meet him, he finally relaxed. I know we have a long road, and so much more to go through...hell, at this point Connor doesn't even know who Declan really is, but right now, it's enough for him."

It had been a week since that first visit with Connor. It had gone better than either of us had expected. Our time in Williamsburg had been short, but I think we made an impact on him. I know he made an impact on us. I could see the toll grief had taken, but there was still a bit of a kid left in him that so desperately just wanted to play and have fun. But when something so tragic happens to someone, at any age, it's hard to decide when it's okay to smile again, to play and enjoy simple pleasures again. Are you allowed to feel happiness when you're still missing someone every minute?