Never Fall Down: A Novel (11 page)

War still going on in Cambodia. We can hear it sometime in the middle of the night, pounding, far away, pounding, like heartbeat. These night Runty, he come sleep in my bed, like old time with Mek. I hold Runty like maybe father or big brother, and he stop shaking.

Today I join the volleyball game. I don’t wait to be ask; I just go. And I do it: I jump, I hit, I spike, and now no one laughing. Now all I hear is clapping. Not like in Khmer Rouge time, everyone start and stop at the same time. Real clapping, cheering. A sound I like. Very much.

Misster Pond now come every day to see me play volleyball. Missus Gotobed, always she watching, and I know what she think: not fair to other kid. So I pretend like I don’t see him. I play hard, to impress him, but also I pass the ball to other kid, and after the game I show these kid to Misster Pond.

One day he says to me, pick two favorite. Runty is my favorite; but he too scare all the time and not very good volleyball player, so I pick two boy: Sojeat, number one player, very competitive guy, and Ravi, tall guy who can spike but a little shy. And Misster Pond tell us three to meet him at dark at the fence for special treat.

When dark comes, we slip away from Missus Gotobed and see Misster Pond at the fence. He have a car, a big Mercedes, and he says, “Get in the trunk.” Sojeat and Ravi not want to go with this guy they don’t know outside the fence, where Missus Gotobed says is danger. They just kid, not ever been a soldier like me, so when someone says danger, they afraid. “Why we have to hide in the trunk,” they say. “Why we can’t sit in the car?” I also have a little fear, but I can’t show this fear. Not to these kid, these volleyball star.

So I jump in the trunk and wave good-bye to them. I make a joke about how Misster Pond is driving me to America and no one else can know. The two boy, they look at each other; and maybe because now I’m a little bit famous at the camp for volleyball, also for having American friend, they believe me. They get in.

Not easy to breathe inside this dark trunk, bumping on the road; and the two boys, they get mad at me, say maybe this Misster Pond is bad guy, maybe he stealing us away to do bad thing to us.

Then the car stop and he open the trunk and we see that we only drive a little way, to American building close to the refugee camp. Inside all white people, pink skin, long nose, drinking beer and eating good food and playing rock ’n’ roll. We eat with them, very good manner, and fall asleep with this good, full belly until it time to go home.

We sneak back and see Missus Gotobed very angry. “Misster Pond,” she say, “very bad, very dangerous thing to do with these boy. Everything I tell you, it go in your right ear and out your left.”

Misster Pond, he just laugh. “They with me,” he say, “they safe.”

Two night later, we hear whisper and creeping outside the children center. Next day, one kid, one volleyball boy, is gone. We see him in the morning, lying in the volleyball place, his stomach cut open, fill with grass.

Missus Gotobed say this kid, he was kill by Khmer Rouge. At night they come to the camp, she say, take kid for fighting. Kid who say no get kill.

Today Misster Pond bring a special present for me and the two volleyball guy, Sojeat and Ravi. Book. American book. Child book of kid playing with dog; Judy, name of dog, I think. And also comic book call
Star War,
with kid soldier in silver uniform and animal soldier, too, very hairy, with gun. And also heavy book, no picture, call dictionary.

Sojeat always trying to compete; he grab the best one, the
Star War
book, and read the word out loud, like showing off. Ravi, he more serious guy, so he take the dictionary and very slow, he figure the word, too. Me, I take the Judy book, but the letter like worm on the page to me. So I copy the other two and say the word, too, like I figure it myself; but really all this English is nonsense to me. Sojeat and Ravi, before the Khmer Rouge time they went to school; they can read. A poor kid like me, no schooling, I dream inside the picture, myself with the Judy dog and the boy soldier in Misster Pond Mercedes in America.

Misster Pond take me and Sojeat and Ravi out again at night, and Missus Gotobed very angry. One time she follow us to the American building and yell at him. “Very dangerous, what you’re doing,” she says. “No going in and out at night. Thai guard can shoot you, you know? Maybe they think you Khmer Rouge sneaking in, sneaking out. Maybe shoot you, maybe even kill these kid.” She says he better stop or she will have him arrest.

But Misster Pond, he just tell her to scram.

Five day after that Misster Pond doesn’t come. Five day more, and now I think maybe he left for America and never I will see him again. No Mercedes, no Judy dog. I spit at the book and go play at the volleyball, very fierce, very mean, knocking kid down, hitting kid with ball, calling bad name, winning, winning, every time winning, until no one want to play with me anymore.

Missus Gotobed, she say to me, “Well, your Misster Pond make a big mistake. Maybe now he learn a lesson.” She say this in a voice half mad, half happy. “Just like I warn him,” she say, “he got shot by the guard.”

I yell at her, call her liar, spit at her, and she just make a smirk face.

“Go see him yourself,” she say, “in the hospital.”

At the hospital, Misster Pond is like giant lying in kid cot. He have sweat all over his face, white bandage on his leg—and big smile on his face. Laughing, even. This crazy guy, he has couple bullet in his leg, he say, like this is big joke.

I think now I will spit on him also, this crazy man who make me care about him, give me book, tell me I’m the chosen one, and now he almost get killed. But he say Thailand queen now is very mad that guard shoot American guy. She so mad she give Misster Pond three wishes.

“I tell her what I want,” he say. “Sojeat. Ravi. And you.”

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

WHOLE WORLD NOW IS NEW TO ME. BIRDSONG IN THE MORNING,
hoot owl at night. Hum of insect. Today even the frog, they singing to me. Because Misster Pond, he choose me to go to America.

Song in my heart now, burst to get out, so I sing it, “Let’s twist again, like we did last summer,” very loud on my way to breakfast, so loud even the mynah bird, he join me. I go past the swimming hole today; and this time I go to it, I stand on small log, and, not even thinking, jump, flip myself in the air. Whole world go by, tree upside down, kid face watching upside down, yelling, pointing, then—
splash!
—and only noise is bubble coming from my nose, inside this water world where it is peace and calm and where my whole life now will be happy all the time.

At breakfast, whole camp knows the news. Everyone, all the kid, they run to touch me, touch Sojeat, touch Ravi, like maybe we have magic, like maybe they can catch this magic, too.

All the kid except one. Runty. I see him hide under the table, hugging himself very tight, eyes close, head tuck in his arm. And all this happiness, all this magic, now it disappear; and my heart now turn heavy, like stone, like boulder. I push all these kid away now and run, run back to the dorm so I don’t have to see Runty face, see in his eyes that I betray him.

All day I hide in bed, cover over my face, thinking about Runty, about these kid. What will happen to them? I go to America with Peter Pond, but what can they do? Live forever at this place, think only of rice, of volleyball, of more rice? And why I get to go, me who kill, who push people in the grave, do all these bad thing? All these idea put a pressure on my mind, too much thought, all fighting with each other; and all I can do now is hide, hide from these kid I love till it time to go.

Middle of the night, I feel my bed sink down a little, then something warm next to me. Runty. He come, put his arm around me like before. I pull him to me, no word to say all the sorry I feel, but he just hug me very tight. I don’t even know I’m going to say this, the word just come out immediate. “I will come back for you,” I tell him. “I promise.” I don’t know how I’m gonna do this, get him, get all these kid with no family to the United State; I just know it’s true.

I fall asleep planning how I can get famous in the United State, bring these kid with me; and in a dream, all the kid they put the hand on me, push me down, down in the ground, and now I’m lying under big pile, can’t move, can’t get up, big weight on top of me: hundred thousand corpse.

All day Sojeat and Ravi study the English book. Me, I try to copy them, learn a lotta good new word.
Fine, thank you. How are you? Let the Force be with you!

They write in the paper book Peter Pond give us. Me, I try the letters, but mostly I draw. Picture of my new life in America. Airplane. Peter Pond Mercedes. Eight-track cassette player. Big bowl of fish-head stew, big pile of fry ants and Chuckle candy every day.

Peter Pond is back in America now, but he send us new American clothes. Hat, glove, long pant, coat. All the kid look at this strange clothes and poke it and wonder how it work and play with it, laughing how strange America must be. But I can tell they also a little jealous.

Small flower is blooming now. Little cup, yellow, with tiny drop of water in it throat. All over the place. Cover the field, the rice paddy, the hill. Never before did I see this flower, I think. Is it only growing now, now that I’m going to the US?

I am volleyball king now in this camp. Jumping so high, like frog, I fly higher even than the net. Small guy like me, big deal to jump this high. Big deal also that I can spike. I hit the ball so hard, it fly off the dust; no one can touch it. All the kid want me on their team. Just like before I’m a little bit famous. Me and Sojeat and Ravi, we run this place; we volleyball star, we the only kid going to the US. Even Missus Gotobed, she can’t tell us what to do. Always she make a sour face at me now, always she watching me with squint eye, like she think she can take away my good luck. She’s the boss of this place, but she can’t scare me. I already know what it feels to have real enemy. Khmer Rouge, Vietnamese soldier. Crabby old lady is nothing to me.

Today I hit the volleyball so hard it fly over the fence into the tent city. Missus Gotobed not looking, so quick I hop the fence, like cricket, pop over to get the ball before anyone can take it. Rumor going around that adult have volleyball team over there; they will steal our ball. But not if I can be fast.

All the kid looking, Sojeat, he click his tongue on his teeth. Lately, all the time he mad at me, telling me, “No tricks or we won’t go the US. You get in trouble, Arn, we all get in trouble.” But he’s just a kid, not soldier like me, just a schoolboy, spoil and also a little conceited, so I show him I don’t care what he say.

I run down this alley in the tent city, grab the ball, and start to run back. A voice call me from behind, a voice that know my name. “Little Fish,” the voice say, “is that you?”

I know this voice, I know it from when my life is bullet and blood and jungle and smell of rotten flesh, and I run from it, like wind I run; I don’t look to see where it come from. I run, trip on my own feet, going so fast, jump the fence, throw the ball at Sojeat, and keep running, all the way back to my tent, where I get in bed, pull up the cover, and hide.

That night, Sojeat come to our tent, make a howl sound with his mouth. “What wrong, Arn?” he say to me. “You see a ghost?”

I tell him my stomach is bad. This the truth. My stomach, my gut, now is tie in a knot. I know that voice. It know me, too. Me, the volleyball king; me, the most popular kid in this camp; me, the one Peter Pond choose to live, to go to America—that voice know who is the real me.

Kid who kill, who push people in the grave, who cook human flesh.

No volleyball for me anymore. Only study. Study English. Study number. I sit only near Ravi now, though, not Sojeat. Sojeat, he make a smirk face, ask me how is my stomach. But I don’t answer. My nose in the book, now I pretend only thing in the world for me is studying.

New word I learn now:
see Judy run. Run, Judy, run.
New name I also learn: Jabba the Hut. Also, this hairy soldier cover in fur like a dog, I think is call Wookie.

Sojeat, he watch me all the time now. With careful, squinty, study eye, like when he work a math problem. Hot day, I go to the pond, he watch. Lunchtime, I get in line, he watch me. Even I go to the latrine, he watch me. This guy, he always have an eye on me now because he know my secret. He hear Sombo call to me; he know I used to be Khmer Rouge.

He can tell on me, tell Missus Gotobed about me, tell the other kid; and I don’t get to go to the US.

But Sojeat a smart guy, not just book smart. He also know I’m Peter favorite. And he know if I don’t go the US, maybe he doesn’t go either.

He’s smart. But me, I’m smarter. You can say maybe I’m a little bit like Angka, like the pineapple with a hundred eye, because me, I’m watching him, too.

I hear Sombo voice now all the time. “Little Fish, is that you?” At night I hear it in my dream. In the day I hear it every time we stand in line for meal. Food line, it goes very near the fence, so now, some day I skip the meal. Or I go very early, very late, when no line is there.

One day at lunch Missus Gotobed, she see me hide in my cot and yell at me, chase me out to the food line. She pinching my ear, pinch, pinch all the way to the fence. Where I see Sombo.

On the other side of the fence, Sombo stand, wearing normal clothes, looking straight at me.

Missus Gotobed, she still pinch my ear like she have a prize, like she now will show everyone that the famous volleyball king, really, he’s killer.

Sombo, he look at me very happy, his eye crinkle with tear, but I give him a blank face. Like I can’t even see him, like he not even there. He look confuse now, confuse and maybe also a little sad. One minute goes by, then two, then Sombo, he give me back a blank face. Then he turn around and walk away with another guy.

Missus Gotobed, she also walk away. But I can hear her click the tongue. Also, I can hear Sombo friend talking. “Is that the kid?” the other guy says. “The kid who can play music blindfold?”

Sombo shake his head. “No,” he says, “must be someone else.”

That night I lie in bed and thank Sombo in my head. One more time, I tell him, one more time, you save my life.

Peter Pond send a message. In one week we leave for America. He also send a package of Chuckle candy, twenty-dollar bill US, and important paper to carry on the trip.

The other kid now very sad, sad or mad, not look at me, not ask to play volleyball. At night, I sneak to their pillow and put the Chuckle underneath. And early in the morning, when I can’t sleep, I walk by the fence, but never do I see Sombo.

Last night in camp, we say good-bye to all these kid. All crying very hard, and we crying very hard also. “You so lucky,” they say. “You get to go to United State. All good thing there, free. Food and clothes and car and Coca-Cola. You so lucky.” So I give each kid one American thing, some thing Peter send us: hat, shoe, jacket. Ravi, he have a soft heart, so he also give away his clothes. Then finally Sojeat, guy who always need to be better than me, he give away all his thing, too.