Never Had a Dream Come True (26 page)

She met the duchess on the stairs to the first floor, and the poor woman paled as Penny sent her a don’t-you-even-dare-to-ask look as she passed her. Not until she was securely inside her bedroom door did she breathe again, deep, shaky breaths which tore through her body.

So be it. She would have to continue with her life devastatingly unhappy, but at least it was by her own choice. She would die an old maid—almost—but at least she would know she had lived her life fair and square.

So what if she would spend every day and night longing for him and for what could have been—it didn’t matter. Not in the long run.

She couldn’t face a life that resembled the almost-conversation she’d just had with him, with her constantly on her toes trying to get him to show her any emotion at all, and him trying to seduce her instead, unable or unwilling to let her come behind the walls he raised around his heart.

A soft knock on her door interrupted her erratic thoughts, and at first she decided not to answer. It didn’t matter who it was standing on the other side of the door, she wasn’t ready to talk about what had happened. Or rather, what hadn’t happened.

But as the knocking stubbornly continued, she gave in and went to the door, where she leaned her cheek against the hard wood. “Yes?”

Rake’s voice was sharp. “Open.”

“No.”

“Don’t do this, Penny. Don’t do this to us.”

“I just tried to talk to you, to reach out to you,” she cried out, and she heard him lean against the door heavily.

“I know.”

“But you didn’t let me.”

“I know.”

She almost rolled her eyes, but something in his voice stopped her. “Why?”

“It’s not easy for me. Why can’t we just kiss and agree that everything is good between us again? Why do you so stubbornly have to talk about it?”

“Because
I
need to.”

She heard him chuckle, but there was no amusement in the dead, almost defeated sound. “I don’t. I only need you.”

By now, tears were streaming down her cheeks, but she wiped them away angrily. “
Why
do you need me?”

“What kind of daft question is that? Why do you think I need you? Because I want you.”

“But
why
do you want me?”

He was silent for so long she almost thought he had left. Just as she had decided against her better judgment to open the door to see if he still was there, he spoke again. “I need you, Penny. I need you in my arms, in my life. But that is all there is. I can’t give you what more it is you want, because you refuse to let me know what it is. I have shown you every card I’ve got, and if that’s not enough for you…”

His voice trailed off, and she heard him breathe as deeply and shakily as she just had, before he continued, “If that’s not enough for you, I’ll do as you ask and leave you alone.”

This time she didn’t care about the tears which clouded her eyesight. Instead, she closed her eyes and put her hand against the door, pretending it was his beloved face she touched.

“I need more.”

“Then I’m not the man for you.”

She heard him move away from the door, leaving her alone as he’d said he would. With a groan she grabbed the handle.

What was she doing?

She had everything she’d ever wanted within her reach, but because of her stupid pride and a wish to be loved she was about to throw it all away.

But she was too late.

As she lunged out into the corridor, she saw him dashing down the stairs to disappear to the ground floor, and she knew there was not a chance for her to catch up with him now. She rushed back into her bedroom and to the window, where she could see him striding across the courtyard toward the stables, in a desperate hurry to leave Chester Park.

To leave her.

She spent the rest of the day in the foyer, waiting for Rake to return and biting the head off everyone who dared to ask what she was doing there. But when it was time for dinner, he still hadn’t shown his face, and she sighed.

What was she to do?

She desperately needed to talk to someone, but she didn’t know whom. The duchess was too much involved to be able to help her sort her confused thoughts, and she didn’t feel comfortable approaching any of the Darling men about her emotions and Rake’s reactions.

There was only one person who could give her what she needed right now, other than Rake himself. Only one person who would listen to her without judging her or putting her own feelings in front of Penny’s.

Her mother.

She went to the window next to the front door and looked down the dusky road which led to her childhood home, her heart crying for Lady Nester.

She needed her mother. She needed to hide in her loving embrace and listen to her steady heartbeat while spilling out all about her confused state of mind.

This wasn’t right. Why was she standing here like a fisherman’s wife, staring longingly toward the horizon, eagerly waiting for her loved one to return, without knowing if he actually would?

She was done with being a thoughtless doll. She had to act. No, she needed desperately to act.

She had to do something about it and not just stand here waiting for him, day in and day out. She knew she had somewhere during the last year chosen the wrong path. Or, to be honest, she had probably done that more than once.

When it came to Rake, she didn’t seem able to think straight. She had her dream of him, which she had nursed with care for as long as she could remember. A dream of a perfect man in a perfect life.

But Rake wasn’t perfect. And the last couple of months had showed her she wasn’t either. So why chase the perfect love? She already had Rake. What else did she need? A child’s dream of a life that wasn’t real?

No, she needed the real Rake, her Rake: the laughing family man who would spend the rest of his life driving her crazy with his teasing and his hot kisses.

So what if he wasn’t the knight in shining armor she had been looking forward to? She didn’t want that boring, unflawed man. Hadn’t her whole relationship with Thomas Bedford shown her as much?

With a determined breath she rushed out through the door and dived into the dark evening, ignoring the chill her thin shawl couldn’t hold back. She didn’t care if she wasn’t wanted or if her father was going to throw her all the way back to Chester Park.

She was going to her mother.

“Don’t you think the drivers will be a bit upset over you emptying their stash of good liquor?”

Rake squinted up at his father, who stood hovering over him where he slumped in a pile of hay in the darkest part of the Chester Park stables.

“I thought no one knew I was here.”

“Penny doesn’t, if that’s what you mean. The rest of us are well aware of your whereabouts, as we all know the two things you prefer to do when you’re upset.”

Rake lifted the bottle of wine and let the red liquor fill his mouth. He didn’t need this harassment. Not now. Not ever.

All he wanted was some privacy, so he could drink himself into a stupor he would hopefully never wake up from. If it meant he would have to stay drunk the rest of his life, so be it. Just as long as he didn’t have to face the pain of reality.

The pain of loving Penny.

That woman could drive a saint crazy, and for all he knew she probably already had, considering poor Thomas Bedford.

Maybe he should seek Thomas out. They could drink together, and maul with words the wicked witch named Lady Penelope de Vere, who thoughtlessly walked over every man’s heart, not once thinking about their feelings.

Or not. If he came any closer to Thomas than a mile, he would probably thrash the poor man who had kissed Penny not only once but twice. Put his ugly lips against her lush ones and pressed his tongue gently against hers, tasted her sweet mouth…

This time he emptied the bottle in one final gulp before he threw it away in the same direction he had thrown the first bottles. The clanking noise when the bottle landed with its friends made his father arch an eyebrow against him.

“Feeling a bit thirsty?”

“A bit.”

“Water would be a better choice.”

“No, it wouldn’t. Go away.”

Hannibal, as the understanding and loving father he was, ignored his son’s harsh words and instead sat down by him and, without a word, reached for the next bottle, which he opened and offered his son.

“Here, don’t let me stop you.”

Rake grabbed the bottle, but instead of putting it to his mouth, he looked at the swirling wine inside. It felt good to have his father beside him in his hour of need. If his family was the solidness of his life, Hannibal was his guiding star.

Even though they were as different as night and day, he had always tried to live up to his father’s standard.

Hannibal Darling, the Duke of Berkeley, was the most honest and caring man he knew of. Without remorse or embarrassment, the duke showered his sons with love, not once caring who saw how soft he was when it came to his boys. So what if Hannibal didn’t want to leave Chester Park? When he was home at the ancestral castle, Rake knew he had his father’s full attention whenever he wanted it.

And occasionally when he didn’t want it.

“This has gone too far.” His father spoke softly, as if he didn’t want to scare the moment away. “You and Penny have to work this out somehow. You are both suffering immensely from it, and besides that, it drives the rest of us crazy.”

Rake snorted. “Don’t you think I have tried to? But it’s like talking to a mule: she refuses to listen to me. It doesn’t matter what I do or what I say, it’s just not enough for her.”

“So what is it she wants?”

“I don’t know! She refuses to tell me.”

Rake felt Hannibal’s probing eyes and knew he sounded lunatic. But the whole Penny situation was crazy from beginning to end. He didn’t know what to do, and the fact that she didn’t seem to know either didn’t make it any easier. It was a never-ending story, destined to run in circles forever and ever.

“I-I’m not a man of words, not when it comes to emotions,” he continued, too tired to care whether he was revealing too much. It was his father, after all. If he was going to open up to anyone, who better than the man who loved him without boundaries? “I have tried in every way I can think of to show her how much she means to me, but it’s never enough for her. There is nothing more I can tell her that I haven’t already shown her in a thousand ways. And yet she stubbornly persists…”

He broke off and shook his head in desperation. It was too much for him, all those feelings, and the frustration over not being able to get past one obstacle on his way to eternal happiness: Penny herself.

“I don’t know what’s going on in that beautiful little head of hers,” he continued. “Every time I try to talk to her, I seem to end up just as angry and frustrated as I feel now. Somehow it feels like she doesn’t want to listen to what I have to say but instead hears only a word or two before she gets all upset over them.”

“Don’t you think you are overreacting a bit now?” Hannibal stood and began in a very Darling-like way to walk to and fro in front of his youngest son, obviously caught up in finding a solution to the situation which rendered Rake this unhappy. “Penny is a smart girl, although she tends to live with her head in the clouds a bit too much sometimes. But more importantly, she loves you with all her heart. Always has and always will. If you just try again, maybe you two could find a way to meet in the middle.”

Rake couldn’t stop the hysterical laughter which erupted from his chest. “Don’t you think I have tried? Oh, Lord, how I have tried.”

The emotions were too much for him, and he flew up too, ignoring the spinning inside his head, and walked to and fro beside his father. “It’s like the first time I talked to her about us joining our futures, having a house of our own. I asked her where she would like to live. I thought it was obvious, considering the lack of tactfulness from the rest of you Darlings…”

“What?” Hannibal gasped outraged. “We are not untactful. Of course we would stay out of the way for you and your new bride.”

“Of course you would,” Rake sneered, “For an hour or two.”

Hannibal snorted, but even he couldn’t deny the truth in Rake’s words. He too knew, just as Rake did, that the Darling family was a bit over-intrusive when it came to other members of the family, and not one of them would have thought twice about the newlyweds wanting some privacy.

“All I wanted was to be alone with her during the first months of our marriage, so we could have time to adjust to our new life together and get to know each other, body and soul. But Penny, my lovely little dove, missed the part of me hiding in a house with her as her husband and thought I was telling her I wanted to put her in a house as my mistress.”

“What?” Hannibal hooted with laughter. His large shoulders shook so much his wavy white hair bounced upon his head. “That’s hilarious. My God, how I would like to have heard that conversation. You—my wicked libertine son—giving up your bachelor lifestyle for this slip of a girl, while she accuses you of wanting to turn her into your mistress. Truly hilarious.”

Rake stopped his pacing and shook his head over his father’s obvious delight. “Your compassion overwhelms me.”

“Oh, come on, Richard.” Hannibal gave Rake a whack on the back that would have sent a smaller man flying. But Rake had inherited his father’s large frame and was used to his constant whacking, and so held his stance.

“Really, Father, it’s not as funny when you’re in the middle of it.”

“No, of course not.” Hannibal cleared his throat in an attempt to regain his composure. “Please, continue. What happened after Penny thought you were trying to turn her into one of your mistresses?”

Rake glared at his father. “Why does everyone think I have hoards of mistresses everywhere? Penny does, too, and the jealous little minx wouldn’t listen to a word I had to say after misunderstanding me.”

“Don’t you?”

“Don’t I what?”

“Have a couple of mistresses waiting around for you?”

“Of course not.”

Rake could see his father had trouble believing him and, frankly, he couldn’t hold it against him. He had been a bit infamous when he was younger and had let his manly lusts lead his way for a couple of amorous years.