Never Never (24 page)

“Jaysus,” Shaun said. “What was that? Motivation? Jaysus.”

“All right,” Sarah said and patted Robby on the shoulder. “It's all right. If you had nothing to do with it—”

“We swear, missus!”

“I believe you,” Sarah said tiredly, feeling a throbbing ache in her temples. “Do you want to sleep on it, Mike?”

“Sleep on what?” he asked with exasperation. “About whether or not they can stay? Are ye serious?”

“You can see they're harmless.”

“I don't see anything of the sort, Sarah. I'm sure some people thought that monster Hurley looked normal too.”

“Oh, no, never,” Frank said, shaking his head.

Robby shook his head too. “No way was that berk ever normal.” He shivered.

“You can stay,” Sarah said firmly.

Frank looked at Mike with wide eyes. “Squire?”

“You heard her,” Mike said. “You can stay. But I'll be watching you.”

“Thank you, sir! Thank you, missus!”

“Go on down to the dining hall,” Sarah said. “Might as well start today being a part of things.”

“No,” Mike said. “First you can spend an hour filling in the tunnel.” He looked at Shaun and raised his eyebrows.

Shaun nodded with resignation.

“Sure, might as well,” he said, “since having it so far has only worked against us.”

T
he next morning
brought more snow. Sarah knew she'd never forget how close they came to losing everything. And in spite of her brave words to Mike, she was sure she'd never feel safe again. The attack on the convent in many ways was the hardest blow. For so long she had believed it was the only safe place left.

The fact that the convent had been found by Hurley's lot had shaken Sarah to her core.

Frank and Robby assured them that while it was true Hurley had burned the convent and killed Mac, most of the sisters had not been harmed. She had to believe that. But even so it gave little comfort.

Her safe haven was not safe nor a haven.
Was any place?

Most of the women stayed in the castle with the babies and children or in the kitchen baking bread and cooking up the last of the rabbits for lunch. Shaun was overseeing the sealing up of the castle tunnel by the two young soldiers. Mike spent the morning resting and regaining his strength until it was time to come together to bury their dead.

Sarah needed to walk the parking lot and step off the dormant garden. She needed to see that the army was truly gone, even if they'd left plenty of evidence of their brief occupation.

“Blimey, they're pigs!” Terry said as he and two other men sorted through the debris left behind.

The fleeing army had left mostly garbage and half-formed attempts at latrines that were surprisingly full for as brief as they'd been there.

Fiona was inside with Declan's body until it was time. Beryl and Declan would both be buried next to Maeve in the far corner of the garden—as well as the two soldiers killed in the tunnel.

As Sarah bent to pick up trash, she found herself periodically looking down the long road to see if she could spot anyone coming. The road had developed a light dusting of snow which muffled the sounds of the men and women picking up trash.

She shivered in her wool jacket and was nearly ready to come inside for a hot cup of anything when she spotted a flash of color. Squinting, she saw that it was an article of clothing on the ground. She stepped closer for a better look.

And then froze. It was a woman's scarf. And she had seen it before.

She picked up the scarf and held it in trembling hands as she remembered the last time she'd seen it—knotted around Jaz Cooper's neck. The fabric was tinged with brown stains—old blood. Sarah closed her eyes and felt a groan lift up out of her diaphragm.

God, no, please don't. It can't be.

She stood and looked around the debris field, her heart pounding as she frantically scanned the area for any more clues.

Was it really Jaz's?
She looked at it again. There could be no doubt. She stuffed it in her jacket and stumbled away, her stomach roiling with nausea.

Had the girls run into the army? Is that what this meant? She twisted her head and looked at the castle. The young soldiers, Frank and Robby, would know. She stood staring at the castle but her feet refused to move.

As long as she stayed right here, didn't go inside, and didn't ask them for the truth, both Jaz and Regan lived.

She looked up at the slow moving grey clouds and the falling snow.
This day right now holds them in it alive
.

But the minute I go inside and ask…

She turned and slowly began to make her way back to the castle. A prayer over and over on her lips…

T
he fields
to the south of the castle looked as devoid of life as every pasture in Ireland did in November. The creeping afternoon mist advanced steadily toward the castle.

Mike watched as the men lowered first Beryl and then Declan into the ground. Every single person, every baby and every child watched with him while the cold and wet mist slithered under jackets and wool caps. A few babies cried. A few babies were always crying.

Mike held Siobhan in one arm—his good arm—and Sarah's hand with the other.

All the people gathered into two groups—the original castle people and the compound people. Each group had lost a beloved member. Both were brought together today and unified by their grief.

Shaun stood with Saoirse at the far corner of the castle group. It had taken every ounce of Mike's self-control—and a full hour of convincing from Sarah—to forgive the woman but he had done so for Shaun's sake and the sake of their cohesion as a community. Now Saoirse stood dry-eyed and bored as her mother was laid to rest.

It seemed Saoirse had slipped away from the army after her betrayal of the castle and hid in the woods until they'd left. As Mike watched her now, he heard Sarah's words echoing in his head that forgiving Saoirse was the first step toward gaining each other's trust—something they needed to do to go forward.

Mike felt the weariness sink deep into his bones as he listened to the compound men say a few words about Declan. Fiona stood at the front of the group with little Ciara by her side.

So much sadness, Mike thought.
Is this how it's always going to be? Constantly losing the ones we love?
A stab of anger pierced him as he listened and he fought to soften it. Now was not the time for anger. Now was the time for goodbye. And for forgiveness. Sarah squeezed his hand and he glanced at her. She raised an eyebrow. She could always read his mind. He gave a slight shake of his head.

I'm fine.

At least as fine as anyone can be in this new world of ours.

Fiona stepped forward and threw a handful of dirt into the open grave. When would he see his sister smile again? Would that be any day now because of something Ciara said or did? Or would it take months for her to see the world as something besides bleak and cruel?

How many more burials would there be?
He watched as the castle and compound people stepped forward one by one to drop handfuls of dirt into the graves. Frank and Robby had confirmed that Jaz and Regan had both been killed two weeks earlier by the army and their bodies left in the woods for the foxes and crows.

Sarah squeezed his hand again so he knew he must've flinched or stiffened again.

He and Gavin and Frank would go first thing in the morning to find what they could of their remains.

And then we'll do this all over again,
he thought bitterly as he watched Shaun weep unashamedly for the loss of his mother.

T
hat night was a muted celebration
. When the drawbridge closed and all the hearths were roaring with warmth and the spits were full of roasting meats, there was an infectious feeling in the castle of comfort and safety.

Mike hated seeing the empty chair next to Fiona at dinner. He knew it was just for tonight and he appreciated the symbolic gesture. But there would be so many times in the coming days when he would feel the keen loss of his best mate. He needed whatever moments he could find where he could forget—just for a little bit—the gaping hole in his heart.

The children always served to tear the adults out of their unhappiness, Mike noticed as he watched Sarah with Siobhan on her lap. The child had settled with her somewhat and he was relieved to see it. It wasn't that Sarah was any less anxious about Siobhan's safety—
was she?—
or at least not that he could detect, but there was a noticeable resurgence of that Sarah strength that had been missing for so long.
That
was the thing he was sure Siobhan was picking up on. She was feeling safe in Sarah's arms.

Sarah had taken the news of Regan's death hard. Not unlike their dearest adopted daughter Papin, Mike thought with sadness, Regan had been a trial for everyone from day one. But also like Papin she'd evolved into a strong-willed young woman whom both Mike and Sarah had been proud of. In some ways, the loss of Regan hurt worse than Declan's because Regan was young and vibrant.

She was like a strong Ireland enduring unimaginable hardships and coming out on the other side.

Except of course she hadn't.

Shaun stood and raised his hands for silence in the dining hall. Sarah looked questioningly at Mike but he shrugged.

“I'd like to say a few words,” Shaun said, “on this sad but happy day for all of us at Henredon Castle.” He looked at Mike from across the room and Mike gave a slight nod of affirmation.

“Not to put aside our grief or make small of that because we have all lost important people today,” Shaun said, his voice wavering with emotion. “But we did an incredible thing as a community yesterday. We came together—castle and compound people alike—and we did the impossible. We fought against an army and won.”

Shaun held up a glass of wine in Mike's direction. “I for one am happy to belong to this community and I pledge wholeheartedly my support and loyalty to Mike Donovan and to all the good people of Henredon Castle.”

The hall erupted in cheers and shouts of “Hear! Hear!” Mike lifted his glass to Shaun.

Well, at least that's settled,
he thought.
And all it took was a broken nose, two fractured ribs, seven deaths, getting stabbed, and a cow blown all to shite.
But he smiled tiredly and lifted his glass again and again to all the people who turned and toasted him.

And when he caught Sarah's sad eyes he could see she was thinking pretty much the same thing.

T
he following weeks
in Henredon Castle passed in a steady routine as people healed and reached out to each other in new friendships. Life fell into a pattern of work and play that soon felt as if they'd always been together.

Mike and Gavin and Tommy went out with Frank early the morning after the burials and returned the next evening late with Jaz's body. They had searched the surrounding woods for Regan but found no clear trace of her remains.

Because of that, Sarah chose to believe—until the months passed and Regan never returned—that she was somehow still alive. She knew Mike didn't hold out hope but Sarah found no point in believing otherwise.

Not until she was forced to.

Early in what was Thanksgiving week back in the States, Sarah found herself standing on the parapet and looking down the long road that led to the rest of Ireland and the world. The snow from the last several days had finally stuck for good and now everywhere she looked she saw an undulating blanket of white with an occasional brown branch or stubby bush sticking out. She tried to imagine how it would feel to see American military Jeeps driving down that road and then wondered,
To what purpose?
To take me back home?
Is that what I want?

What she really liked to imagine when she looked down that road was the image of John coming home, his backpack on his back and a staff in his hand.

Coming home for Thanksgiving.

When Sarah thought of all the Thanksgivings she'd shared with John—all the happy smells of bustling kitchens—succulent turkeys and dressings, the pumpkin and fruit pies—she remembered him when he was little, wearing colorful paper Indian headdresses made at school or little pilgrim caps.

And she wanted to curl up into a ball and cry.

Siobhan would never know a real Thanksgiving, she thought.
It will always be a facsimile of the real thing. Roast squirrel or rabbit during the lean years, a pheasant if we're lucky. Never cranberries but some kind of berry that might serve as a relish.

God knows they'd always have plenty of mashed potatoes.

She wiped the tears from her eyes. She knew she was being childish. The things that were important, she had.

She noticed movement at the base of the gate tower and saw Mike and Gavin standing and talking with Kevin. They had their horses and their rifles.

Speaking of going turkey hunting
, Sarah thought with a bleak smile.

She watched them talk and laugh, although she couldn't hear their words from this distance. Things were much better between her and Mike these days. Almost like before.

Nothing like getting your life handed back to you to make you appreciate the world and everyone in it.

Not surprisingly, Mike turned and looked up to where Sarah was standing. She grinned. He really did have a sort of radar where she was concerned.

“Be safe,” she shouted and he nodded. Kevin cranked down the drawbridge and Mike and Gavin rode out.
Whatever
they brought back would be on the Thanksgiving menu, she thought. And that would be fine. Even squirrel.

The plan was for her and Mike to go back to the convent the morning after the big feast. She hoped the nuns had found shelter but just knowing they were alive meant everything.

Funny how the things that matter now are the big things. Life. Death
. And everything else was just gravy. As that thought came to her she noticed Frank and Catriona walking across the courtyard. They weren't touching but there was definitely something about the way they moved that said they were together.

Sarah wasn't surprised. There weren't enough men to go around and both Frank and Robby were good-looking guys. It had been two weeks since the army had tried to attack the castle. She was only surprised it took the two of them so long.

As she climbed down to check on Siobhan in the nursery, it occurred to Sarah that people falling in love helped make life feel normal again.

You can't blush and wonder what your beloved is thinking if you're starving or worried about dying.

Yes, people falling in love was definitely a step in the right direction.

And that's what also made this Thanksgiving so special—even if John wasn't here for it. It was a time for the entire castle population to come together and formally celebrate their safety, their new friends, and their new life together.

Just like the first pilgrims.

As Sarah reached the courtyard she saw Ava leaving the dining hall with her daughter Keeva in tow. She waved to her.

“I'm heading to the nursery,” Sarah said.

“So are we,” Ava said. “Although this one thinks she's too big for it.”

“Sure there's just babies there!” Keeva said with a pout.

“Why don't you ask Mrs. O'Connell if you can be her helper with the little ones?” Sarah asked. “I'll bet she'd appreciate it.”

“Can I, Mum?” Keeva said.

Ava winked at Sarah. “I think that's a grand idea. Go on ahead. Mrs. Donovan and I will be there in a bit.” Keeva grinned and ran across the courtyard to the far stairwell.

“Thank you for that,” Ava said as she watched her daughter disappear. “She can be moody, that one.”

“Can't they all? To tell you the truth, I've had some problems with Siobhan ever since I had her.”

“Postpartum?” Ava frowned but her eyes were kind.

“Possibly. I think it's better now. But there was a time not too long ago when I was the last person Siobhan would even let touch her.”

“I'm sure that's not true.”

“Oh, ask anyone. They'll tell you. She hated me.”

“Sure, I don't believe it.” Ava clucked her tongue.

“Well, let's just say it's been a long hard six months and I guess I feel I have a lot to be thankful for. If only…”

“You'll be missing your lad?”

“Honestly, I think I'm only really okay when I
don't
think of him. Do you know what I mean? Otherwise I'm obsessed with worrying about him all of the time.”

Ava squeezed Sarah's hand. “Sure that's motherhood, so it is.” She slowed their steps and Sarah got the idea that Ava wanted to say something.

“You know I lost me husband right after the first EMP?” Ava said.

“I did hear that,” Sarah said. “I did too.”

“So maybe you'll know that sometimes—for our children's sake—we've had to do some things. Maybe some things we aren't proud of.”

Images of Ava trading her body for food came to mind. She held Ava's hand. “We've all had to do things we could never have imagined before.”

Ava looked relieved. She glanced again toward the stairwell where Keeva had gone. “Ye love ‘em so much, it's just amazing what you're capable of for their sakes.”

“Mike says you never know your true grit until you're under fire.”

“Aye, he's a wise man your Mike and no mistake.”

They reached the stairwell and stepped in out of the cold. Before they could resume their conversation, Nuala opened the door and a wave of shrieking poured out into the hall.

“Sure I thought you'd never come!” Nuala said as she held Siobhan in her arms. The baby was arching her back in the throes of a tantrum. “Your Siobhan is a monster today, so she is! Take ‘er, aye? So I can settle the others down?”

Sarah took the baby in her arms hesitantly. A
calm
Siobhan was no guarantee the child wouldn't start screaming as soon as Sarah was holding her. But Siobhan surprised her by quickly settling in Sarah's arms and while she still wasn't happy, she'd at least stopped howling.

“Shall I find you after dinner tonight then, Sarah?” Ava asked as she stepped into the nursery. “And you can tell me what's needed for this dressing I hear is so necessary for the feast.”

Nuala laughed. “Aye, it's taken us four years to get Sarah to stop calling it
stuffing
!”

Both Ava and Nuala laughed. “It has an entirely different meaning here in Ireland, ye ken,” Ava said, her eyes sparkling with humor.

“Ha, ha, you two,” Sarah said grinning. She waved goodbye and turned to bring Siobhan upstairs to her room. As she turned to go up the stairwell, she was met by Frank and Catriona coming down.

“Oy!” Catriona said. “We were just up there looking for you. A word, Sarah?”

Frank had a sheepish look on his red face and he had trouble looking Sarah in the eye, which she decided didn't bode well for whatever the two needed to tell her.

“What's the problem?” she asked.

“You know Frank here and I've been keeping company, aye?” Catriona said.

“Well, there hasn't been a formal announcement that I know of,” Sarah said dryly. “But I think most people have figured it out. Did you want me to talk to Mike about posting banns or something?”

“Oh, you're a wit, Sarah Donovan,” Catriona said as she threw her head back and laughed. “And sure there's no mistake.” She took Frank's hand in hers. “Nay, we'll handle what's between the two of us, thank ye very much.”

“So what's the problem?” Sarah asked again as Siobhan began to fuss.

Catriona took a step closer and lowered her voice. “We've been meeting in a few out of the way places around the castle, ye ken, to…you know.”

“Snog,” Frank said with a shrug.

“Ah, well put, ye auld romantic,” Catriona said slapping him good-naturedly on the arm. “And sure it might be nothing, but we found a place that…well, we thought we should bring it to someone's attention.”

“What do you mean?” Sarah was fast losing patience especially as Siobhan began to squirm.

“Can we show you, missus?” Frank asked earnestly. And Sarah noticed that the fun and laughter had drained right out of him.

P
atting Siobhan
on the back settled her down and since the howls that were coming out of the nursery didn't appear to have abated since Sarah had taken Siobhan out, she decided to keep the baby with her. She followed Catriona and Frank as they made their way down the stone stairwell and back out into the courtyard.

There were a few people walking about outside but not many. It was still snowing and the wind had become sharp. At midday, most people were either working in the kitchen, patrolling the catwalk that spanned the perimeter of the castle, or doing any of a hundred smaller chores like stacking firewood, mending clothing, oiling tack or tending to the horses.

Sarah noticed that Catriona and Frank were holding hands as they walked across the courtyard. Shaun and Saoirse were just coming from the dining hall. Sarah knew Shaun was trying to find a job for Saoirse that didn't involve a lot of contact with other people but also kept her away from sharp implements or weapons in general.

Saoirse scowled at them as they passed in the courtyard. Sarah thought Shaun looked particularly worn. She knew he still grieved for his mother but was keeping busy in helping to organize the running of the castle—and of course as usual he had his hands full with his sister.

Frank and Catriona walked quickly to the stairwell parallel to where the dining hall backed up to the ocean side of the castle. Sarah had never been in here although she knew Mike and Gavin and Tommy had found the ancient weapons and longbows stacked in a room back here. The museum gift shop was in this section too, as was a storage room with a copier machine and some stacked office furniture.

As the two led Sarah down the hall past several doors that used to be administrative offices once upon a time, Sarah felt a chill rake her arms under her wool jacket. She pulled Siobhan inside her coat and rubbed her back, hoping the child wouldn't start to fret. So far, she appeared docile and even sleepy.

“It's freezing in here,” Sarah said.

“Aye,” Catriona said over her shoulder. “Like what you'd expect from a castle dungeon.”

“Is
that
what's down here?” Sarah asked as the hall descended a set of six very slick stone steps into a hallway with a lowered ceiling. Frank had to stoop to pass through it.

“This had better be worth it,” Sarah said, hurrying to keep up. A vertical slit window in the hallway gave her a glimpse of the ocean on this side of castle. The window wasn't big enough to get much of a view and there was no glass on it so the cold seaward air slithered into the hallway.

“I can't believe you two really come down here,” Sarah grumbled. “It's about as romantic as a bowel blockage.”

The hall dead-ended into a stone wall with a small alcove to the right which hid a wooden fairy door with wide brass hinges. They stopped in front of the door. Grasping the door handle, Frank put his shoulder to the door and pushed it open.

At first glance it was too dark to see anything and Sarah felt the first true prickles of unease. She followed them inside. A vertical slit window was in the far corner with just enough light filtering in to give shape to the items in the room.

“Do you see it, Sarah?” Catriona asked in a whisper.

Sarah forced herself to move to where Catriona and Frank stood in front of what looked like a large sculpture. She tightened her hold on Siobhan and waited for her eyes to adjust in the gloom so that she could see what they were looking at.

When the shape became clear, she felt the chill of the room intensify. She reached out and grabbed Frank's arm before she knew she was doing it and a gasp jumped from her throat loud enough to startle the baby.

Dear God…

It was a pile of bones. Human skulls, leg bones, arms and what looked like ribs and backbones.

A pyramid of jumbled human bones of all sizes—large and small—stacked to the ceiling.

Sarah desperately tried to think of any good reason why these could be here.

“What does it mean, Sarah?” Catriona whispered. “It's not good, is it?”

Sarah fought to clear her mind—to try to understand what she was seeing. The sound of the door creaking shut behind her made her dig her nails into Frank's arm. She whirled around.