Never Trust a Troll! (3 page)

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Authors: Kate McMullan

BOOK: Never Trust a Troll!
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“Ye have any pennies?” the troll asked Dudwin.
“I did,” said Dudwin proudly. “But I gave them to Mordred.”
“So, ye can’t pay,” said the troll. “That means ye owes me, understand?”
“Yeah,” said Maggot and Bilge and Dudwin.
Wiglaf crept away from the door. What did the troll mean that they owed him? He didn’t like the sound of it.
At the henhouse, Wiglaf found Daisy sitting in the straw, surrounded by softly clucking hens. She had her snout in a book:
Famous Pigs in History.
“Hello, Daisy,” said Wiglaf. “I see you have already been up to the library.”
“Es-yay,”
said Daisy.
“Is-thay is-yay a-yay ood-gay ook-bay.
”
Daisy told Wiglaf about some famous pigs. Then Wiglaf told Daisy how the troll had tricked everyone by saying that the water dragon Bubbles was in the DSA moat.
“Dudwin looks up to the troll,” said Wiglaf. “I can tell. I think if the troll told Dudwin to do something bad, Dudwin would do it.”
“On’t-day orry-way, Iglaf-way,”
said Daisy.
“Udwin-day is-yay a-yay ood-gay ad-lay at-yay eart-hay.”
Wiglaf smiled. Daisy’s wise words made him feel better. Dudwin was a good lad at heart. And no doubt the troll was, too. Wiglaf was a worrywart, that was all.
“What’ll it be for supper, lads?” Frypot asked Wiglaf and Angus. “Eel-tail stew? Or the eel-and-moat-weed wrap?”
“What do you recommend?” asked Angus.
“Always safest to take the cooked dish,” Frypot said.
Lady Lobelia stood up. She clinked on her water goblet just as Wiglaf and Angus took their places at the Class II table.
“Attention, lads and lasses!” Lady Lobelia said. “Welcome to a new school year at DSA. For those of you who don’t know me, I am Lady Lobelia, Headmaster Mordred’s sister. Mordred and I both have some important announcements.”
Wiglaf happened to see the troll put his hand to his mouth and belch loudly.
Mordred jumped up. “Who burped?” he boomed.
The troll did not confess.
“We’ll have no more of that,” Mordred said. “If there’s any belching to be done around here, I’ll do it. Understood?”
In answer, the troll belched again.
Everyone at the Class I table cracked up laughing.
Mordred stared at the Class I students. His face turned purple with rage. “One more belch and I’ll throw the whole lot of you into the dungeon.” Mordred raised his bushy left eyebrow, making his left eye bulge scarily out of its socket. “And we’ll have no more pranks like the one this afternoon.”
“Class I?” said Lady Lobelia. “Please stand and tell us your name, where you’re from, and why you are here at DSA.”
Dudwin popped to his feet.
“Hi, everybody!” he said. “I’m Dudwin from Pinwick. I came here to go to school with my big brother Wiglaf. He has slain two dragons!”
Wiglaf smiled. Dudwin could be a pain. But he was a loyal brother.
“You’re here because you want to become a dragon slayer, too. Aren’t you, lad?” asked Mordred.
“Maybe,” said Dudwin. “Maybe not.” He sat down.
Bilge and Maggot stood up next.
“I’m Bilge!” shouted Bilge. “That’s Maggot!”
“We live in a cave and eat raw bugs and worms!” shouted Maggot.
“Ewwww!” cried some students.
“Aw right!” cried the troll, pumping a great green fist in the air.
Mordred groaned. “What I do for my family,” he muttered. “Sit down, you clowns!” he boomed. “Next!”
A lass stood up now. “I’m Agatha. Call me Aggie. I’m from Toenail.”
“Hooray for Toenail!” cried Torblad from the Class II table.
“I’m here because I hear the food is totally great,” said Aggie.
Frypot stuck his head out of the kitchen. “Really?” he asked.
“Nah!” said Aggie. “Gotcha!” And she doubled over, laughing.
“What a bunch!” mumbled Mordred. Then he said, “And do you wish to become a dragon slayer, Aggie of Toenail?”
“Not really,” said Aggie. “But I need something to fall back on in case my singing career doesn’t work out.”
Mordred glared at her and bellowed, “Next!”
Now the troll rose. Wiglaf looked at his bare feet. Each foot had one big toe and seven smaller toes.
“Grock is me name,” the troll said. “I lives under the Killerfish River Bridge with me family. Sometimes humans drives their wagons over the bridge and me family robs ’em. That’s how I got me eight pennies to come here to school.”
The troll grinned, showing a mouth full of big, crooked teeth.
“Other times humans steers their boats under the bridge,” the troll went on. “And me family robs ‘em, too. Or, if we feels like it, we eats ’em.” Grock licked his lips.
A worried murmur swept the dining hall.
“I won’t eat anyone here,” said Grock. “Promise!” He grinned again.
“And why have you come to DSA, Grock?” asked Mordred.
“Don’t want to go into me family business, do I?” said Grock. “Want to become first troll dragon slayer!”
“Excellent!” Mordred grinned at Grock. “Welcome, troll lad!”
Now Lobelia stood up again. “Each of you Class I lads and lasses will have a buddy from Class II. You will spend the first week of school with your buddy, who will explain all about DSA.”
“Hope I get Dudwin,” Janice said.
Wiglaf hoped he would get Grock as his buddy. He knew he could help the troll get used to DSA.
“Class I, push your table and benches over to the wall,” Lady Lobelia said.
Grock picked up the Class I table and threw it against the wall.
“Whoops!” he said. “Sometimes I forgets me own strength.”
Lobelia rolled her eyes. “Make a circle in the middle of the dining hall,” she said.
Class I did as they were told.
“Class II,” said Lady Lobelia, “form a circle outside theirs. Everybody hold hands.”
Wiglaf stood in the big circle between Janice and Erica.
Coach Plungett stood up with his mandolin. “Just listen to the song, and you can’t go wrong,” he said. “Class I, circle to the right. Class II, circle left.”
Wiglaf and the others in Class II began moving to the left.
“Close your eyes. When I stop singing, freeze.” Coach began to play his mandolin and sing:
“Everybody needs a buddy,
A buddy wise and true!
When you’re new and need some help,
Your buddy’s there for you!”
Everybody kept circling while Coach sang verse after verse of the buddy song. At last he sang:
“If you’re sad and homesick,
And don’t know what to do,
Ask your buddy and you’ll find
Your buddy’s there for...Y-O-U!”
Coach stopped singing.
“Everybody freeze!” he shouted.
“Don’t peek!” said Lady Lobelia. “Class I, take a step forward.”
Wiglaf smelled that sweet scent again.
“Now, Class II, step forward,” said Lady Lobelia.
Wiglaf stepped forward. The sweet scent grew stronger.
“Open your eyes,” said Lady Lobelia. “And say hello to your buddy!”
Wiglaf opened his eyes. Yes!
Directly across from him, Grock opened his small yellow eyes.
The sweet scent was really strong now.
Wiglaf smiled. It had to be hard being the only troll at DSA. It had to be hard being so much bigger than everyone else. He was ready to start helping the troll right away.
“Hello, Grock,” he said, looking up.
“Put ’er there, buddy!” said Grock. He held out a hairy hand.
Wiglaf reached out and shook the troll’s hand.
“Yikes!” he cried as something in the troll’s hand buzzed, giving his hand a shock. He quickly drew his hand away.
“Guh-huh! Guh-huh!” the troll laughed. He opened his hand to reveal an angry bumblebee. “Gotcha with me bee buzzer, buddy!”
Chapter 4
O
ver here, buddy!” Grock called to Wiglaf from the front of the breakfast line the following morning. ”I saved ye a place, didn’t I?”
“Thanks,” said Wiglaf, slipping into line. He saw that the troll had stuffed his tunic pockets with packets of Frypot’s red pepper sauce. Again, Wiglaf noticed the sweet, flowery smell.
Wiglaf felt a tap on the shoulder. He turned and saw Torblad behind him with his buddy, Aggie.
“No cutting,” said Torblad.
“Let it go this time, Torblad,” said Wiglaf.
But Torblad shook his head. “Go to the end of the line.”
Wiglaf wondered, was Torblad really a stickler for the rules? Or was he bothered by the troll’s strong scent? What did Grock smell like, exactly? Clover, maybe? Or parsley?
“Hey, guy,” Grock said to Torblad. “Ye’ve got a bug in yer ear.”
“A bug?” shrieked Torblad. He began poking his fingers into his ears. “Which ear?”
Grock moved his lips as if he were speaking, but made no sound.
“What? What?” cried Torblad. “I can’t hear you!”
And Grock shouted, “THAT’S ’CAUSE YE HAVE A BUG IN YER EAR!”
Torblad began jumping up and down and pounding on the side of his head.
Grock reached out to Torblad’s left ear. He drew his hand away and opened it to reveal a HUGE cockroach.
“Aaaaiiii!” screamed Torblad, and he ran from the dining hall.
“In you go, Crawler,” the troll said as he slid the roach into the pocket of his tunic. He grinned at Wiglaf. “He’s me pet.”
“If you want to make friends, you have to stop tricking everybody, Grock,” said Wiglaf.
“He deserved it, didn’t he?” asked the troll.
“That was great, Grock,” said Aggie. She slapped the troll on the back. “Can I sit with you at breakfast?”
“Yah,” said Grock. “Why not?”
Wiglaf, Grock, and Aggie all helped themselves to Frypot’s scrambled eel and moat-weed “bacon.”
At the table, Erica was chatting with Dudwin, her Class I buddy. Wiglaf felt very glad that Erica would be looking out for his little brother. Janice was trying to talk to her buddy, Maggot. And there was Angus, sitting next to Bilge, looking miserable.
“The food here is pretty bad!” Aggie said as they took their seats.
“Yah,” said Grock. He shoveled his food into his mouth in one large clump. Then he chewed, with his mouth wide open, drooling. “How do ye stand it, buddy?”
“You get used to it,” said Wiglaf, looking away so as not to see the chunks of half-chewed food spilling out of Grock’s mouth. “So,” he managed. “Do either of you have any questions about DSA?”
“Yah,” said Grock. “Yer brother says ye slew two dragons. How did ye do it, buddy? Did ye whack‘em and stab’em and slice off their bloody heads?”
“No!” said Wiglaf quickly. “I cannot stand the sight of blood.”
“Ye can’t?” said Grock.
Wiglaf shook his head. “I discovered the dragons’ secret weaknesses,” he said. “That’s how I slew them.”
“Whoops!” Grock said, dropping his spoon. He ducked under the table to get it.
“I have a question,” said Aggie. “Who teaches music class?”
“We don’t have music class,” said Wiglaf.
“WHAT?” cried Aggie. “Mordred told my mother there was. I have to exercise my voice every single day.”
“Found it!” Grock cried cheerily, popping up from beneath the table with his spoon. “I have another question, buddy. Can me mum send me a goodie box?”
“Sure,” said Wiglaf. “My friend Angus gets goodie boxes from his mother all the time.”
“Ah, good,” said Grock. “’Cause me mum want to send me all the eyeballs.”
“Is that a kind of candy?” asked Aggie.
“’Tis for me,” said Grock, licking his lips with his pointy red tongue. “Eyeballs from all the humans she eats.”
“Eww!” said Aggie. “You mean real eyeballs?”
“Yah,” said Grock. “The fresh ones be nice and crunchy.”
Wiglaf put down his spoon. He had lost his appetite. But Grock licked his plate clean.
“Can ye get seconds here?” Grock asked.
“I don’t know,” said Wiglaf. “No one’s ever wanted seconds before.”
Grock handed Wiglaf his plate. “Get me more, buddy. Pretty please with sugar on top?”
“All right.” Wiglaf held the edges of Grock’s slimy plate. He stood up and took a step toward the kitchen.
WHAP!
He fell flat on his face.
“Yow!” cried Wiglaf. The plate skidded across the floor.
“Guh-huh! Guh-huh! Guh-huh!” the troll laughed. “Have a nice trip, buddy?”
The dining hall erupted in laughter.
Erica ran over. “Wiggie!” she cried. “Are you okay?”
“I—I think so,” said Wiglaf.
Dudwin was there, too. He and Erica helped Wiglaf sit up.
Wiglaf rubbed the bump that was rising on his forehead.
“Your boots!” cried Dudwin.
Wiglaf looked down. His boot laces had been tied together. No wonder he had tripped!

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