New Beginnings (22 page)

He settled on the small couch and propped a booted foot up on his bent leg. “Aren’t you gonna join me, sweetheart?”

At least if they were seated in the small living area, his back was to the desk and, for the moment, that was the best she could hope for.

She finally claimed the armchair across from him, crossing her arms over her midsection. “Are you making progress on the album?”

“I am, actually. No one’s more surprised than I am, but it feels really good to be in a creative place again, ya know?”

She nodded. Her eyes traveled to his left hand. He was still wearing the wedding ring. Why? What did that mean? “I’m happy for you, Trey. I talked to Val last night; she sounded nervous, but excited, about the wedding.” She smiled. “That’s a really nice thing you’re doing for her.”

He shrugged his shoulders. “It’s the least I could do, given all the years she’s been there for me.”

“Everything else is going well? Still going to meetings?” she asked.

He grinned. “What you really want to know is whether I’m drinkin’ again.” He leaned forward and looked her in the eyes. “I’m not, Sierra. I swear I haven’t had a drink since the day you came back to town.”

She didn’t know why his words should give her a sense of satisfaction, but they did. No matter what happened between them, or whether he chose to be a father to their baby, she wanted to see him beat his addiction. “I’m glad to hear that, Trey.”

He stared at her a moment too long. “There’s something different about you. I can’t figure out what it is.”

Her heart began hammering in her chest. It was only a matter of time before he figured it out or saw the ultrasound picture. How was she going to make him understand? “I, uh, don’t know what you mean.”

His eyes scanned her body, as though he were looking for some clue to unravel the mystery. Finally, he shook his head. “I can’t put my finger on it.”

She took a deep breath and decided her best hope of keeping her pregnancy a secret was to get him out of her apartment and her life as quickly and painlessly as possible. “Trey, I have to get back to work. Why don’t you tell me what you’re doing here?”

He got up suddenly and walked toward her. “Come here,” he whispered, reaching down to pull her up and into his arms.

She tried to resist the temptation, but it was futile. She wanted nothing more than to feel his arms around her again.

He tightened his arms around her waist until one hand travelled up to the nape of her neck. His hand eased into her hair and he tilted her head back. “You are so beautiful, sweetheart,” he whispered.

She closed her eyes and let herself enjoy this moment. She felt his lips on her skin and he kissed her slowly, gently, reverently. She wanted to give in, to wrap her arms around him and savour the taste of his lips on hers, but that would only lead to more disappointment. “Trey, please stop.”

He pulled back to look at her. “Sierra, there’s something you need to know. It’s about the baby.”

She felt her airway constrict; she couldn’t draw enough air into her lungs. How could he know about the baby? She hadn’t told anyone, not even her sister.

“Megan isn’t pregnant. She lied to me.”

She let the words sink in. He was talking about Megan’s baby, not her baby. Only Megan apparently lied about the baby she didn’t have, while Sierra was lying about the baby she did have. How was he going to be able to understand, to forgive her for not telling him the moment she found out she was carrying his child?

“She told me today. She also told me Eric put her up to it.”

She was getting dizzy and the room started spinning. She grasped his shoulders for support.

“Hey, are you okay?” He stroked her face. “You look a little pale and you feel like you might have a fever, baby.” He eased her down on the chair, forcing her to sit down while he knelt in front of her. “Can I get you anything? Do you need a drink of water?”

She shook her head, biting her bottom lip. “I can’t believe this is happening,” she whispered, dropping her head in her hands.

He stroked her back. “I know this must come as a shock.”

“You have no idea,” she mumbled.

“I went to see Eric.” He pulled her hands away from her face. “He told me something, but I need you to tell me if he was lying. Either way...”

She knew Eric had betrayed her confidence. Perhaps it was for the best; this would give her a chance to explain everything when the time was right. Maybe it would help him to understand the choices she had made. “He told you I couldn’t have any more children, didn’t he?”

He nodded, stroking her hair. “Is it true? I mean, even if it is, it doesn’t matter. I still want...”

“The doctors told me shortly after Callie died.”

He eased back to sit on the edge of the coffee table, facing her. “Why wouldn’t you tell me this? You confided in Eric, but you couldn’t tell me? Jesus, I was your husband. Didn’t you think I had the right to know?”

She tried to suppress the emotions bubbling up inside, guilt, anger, frustration. “When was I supposed to tell you, Trey? You were never there. Our daughter had just died. We buried her, and then you hopped on that damned tour bus. You didn’t care about me, about how I was coping with the loss.”

“That’s not true,” he whispered. “I thought it would be easier for you if I wasn’t around.”

“Easier?” she shouted. His words stoked the anger and frustration, quashing the guilt. “You thought it would be easier for me to clear out our daughter’s nursery by myself? You thought it would be easier for me to donate Callie’s things by myself? You thought it would be easier for me to erase her existence from our home if I were all by myself?” She pushed hard against his chest. “You selfish bastard, I cried myself to sleep every night. You weren’t there to hold me or comfort me. I was completely alone.”

He stood, trying to pull her into his arms, but she pushed him away. “I’m sorry, honey. I wanted to be there for you, but I didn’t know how to help you, how to take away your pain.”

“There was nothing you could have done to take my pain away, Trey. But at least you could have been there to hold me, to reassure me, to help me believe that life would go on.” She looked him in the eye. “Because I didn’t believe it would. I wanted to die too.”

He closed his eyes. “I know. I felt the same way, sweetheart.”

“Then the doctors told me I wasn’t going to be able to get pregnant again. Do you know what that did to me?”

He grabbed her hands, holding them between his as he kissed them. “I can only imagine.”

“You called me the day I found out. Do you know what you said to me?”

He shook his head, his eyes filling with un-shed tears.

“You said it would be okay. We’d have more babies. I knew that’s what you wanted and I couldn’t give it to you. I felt I had no choice but to leave.”

He dropped her hands, looking stunned. “Wait a minute. Are you saying that’s why you divorced me?”

She expected him to be disappointed she hadn’t had more faith in them, but he was beyond disappointed. He looked appalled. She knew there was no way to excuse or explain her decision. Her only choice was to own it and hope he could find a way to live with it. “That’s part of the reason. We were drifting apart already, but once I found out about my condition, I knew it was over for us.”

“Are you serious? You actually thought I wouldn’t want to be with you just because you couldn’t give me a baby?”

She refused to confront the fury in his eyes. “It was more than that.”

“Like hell it was. Look at me!” he shouted. “Do you have any idea how much I love you?”

She shook her head. She thought she did, but maybe she was wrong. Maybe he had loved her enough to overlook her shortcomings.

“I would have given anything to make our marriage work. Counseling, AA meetings, hell, I would have given up my career if that’s what it took. But you never gave me the chance. You just walked away and never looked back. How could you do that to me, to us?”

He turned his back on her and she wanted to reach out to him, but couldn’t take the risk.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“You’re sorry?” He turned on her. “You’re sorry that you walked out on me or sorry you gave up on me? Or maybe you’re sorry that you lied to me? Which is it, Sierra? What exactly are you sorry about?”

She knew he had a right to be confused, hurt, even angry, but not nearly as angry as he would be once he learned of her latest betrayal. A little voice inside her head urged her to tell him the truth, but fear kept her lips firmly sealed shut. “I don’t know what you want me to say. I made mistakes. I was still grieving.”

He glared at her. “So was I, Sierra. I was grieving, feeling guilty, blaming myself for everything. Do you have any idea what it’s been like for me these past five years? I couldn’t even look myself in the mirror. I thought I had caused the accident, destroyed our marriage, and drove you away. Now you’re telling me you left because of a goddamn medical condition.”

She realized how much her omission had cost him five years ago. He didn’t deserve to go through that again, but it was too soon to tell him about the baby. The doctor told her if she got through the next few weeks, her odds of carrying the baby to term would increase significantly.

She would tell him then, when she had reason to believe she may actually beat the odds and deliver a healthy, full-term baby. She didn’t know how he would cope if they lost another baby. She had to keep this to herself for a little while longer. For his sake.

“Aren’t you going to say anything?” he asked.

“What do you want me to say, Trey?”

He stared at her as though he were seeing her for the first time. “You’re right. I guess we don’t have anything left to say.” He took a step toward the door.

“Trey, wait. About the wedding...”

He didn’t bother turning around. “Come, don’t come. I don’t care anymore.”

***

Sierra had barely moved from the sofa in days. She curled up on the couch, under the comfort of her duvet with a tissue box and wastebasket at her side and cried until her head ached. She cried for the childhood she’d lost, the baby that had been taken from them, and the love they had once shared. There was one thing she was sure of: he didn’t want anything more to do with her. She’d called him numerous times, left voice messages, emails, text messages, but he chose to ignore her. Not that she could blame him.

She had been given a chance most people never get. She had been married to the love of her life, her soul mate, and instead of fighting for what they had, she walked away from it and him. And when fate had blessed them with a second chance, she ruined that too. She should have told him about the baby when she had the chance. Hell, she should have jumped on a plane or hopped in her car the moment she found out about the baby. Now it was too late. He wasn’t even speaking to her. When he had asked her to forgive his mistakes and give him another chance, she had refused. Now she understood how devastated he must have been.

The phone rang. She grabbed it, hoping the number on the call display would be his, but it wasn’t. “Hi, Marisa,” she said, forcing herself to sit up.

“Hey, it sounds like you have a cold. Are you okay?”

“Probably just allergies.”

“Liar. You’ve been crying, haven’t you?”

She knew it was hopeless to try to suppress the tears. Once they started, it was like opening the floodgates. She sobbed into her blanket, trying to control the tremors wracking her body. “I’m sorry.”

“Hey, don’t be sorry. Just tell me what the hell is going on with you.”

“I’ve made such a mess of things.” She wiped her nose and tossed the used tissue in the basket at her feet. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do.”

“Does this have something to do with Trey coming to see you the other day?”

“He didn’t tell you?”

“No, he’s been biting everyone’s head off since he got back, so I assumed it didn’t go well, but I was afraid to ask him. What the hell happened?”

She stared at the ultrasound picture on the coffee table. Not only was she ruining her own life, but she was running the risk of ruining her baby’s life as well. “I told Trey I divorced him because I found out that I couldn’t have any more children.”

Marisa gasped. “I knew there was another reason you left him.”

“What do you mean?”

“It just didn’t make sense to me. Sure, he was on the road touring a lot, but that’s his job. Even if the timing sucked, I couldn’t believe you would divorce the guy just for doing his job.”

She thought back to how she was feeling at that time and she knew her friend was right. She couldn’t blame him for being the man she fell in love with: determined, focused, driven to succeed.

She was the one who had changed, not him. She was feeling insecure, unhappy with herself, and she resented the fact that he had found his place in the world while she had yet to find her purpose. Ironically, when she finally found her purpose, she had no one to share it with.

“I began to resent his career. I hated that it took him away from me so much.”

“You could have gone with him.”

“I know, but I had school, and then I got pregnant. Besides, I didn’t feel like he wanted me to go on the road with him.”

Marisa laughed. “Sierra, I love you, but you are clueless sometimes. That man loves you like crazy; he hated being away from you as much as you hated not having him at home.”

“I wish I could just relive the past seven years, Marisa.”

“That may be asking for too much, but you do have today, so why are you wasting it?”

“What do you mean?”

“Get your ass on the next plane to Nashville and tell my brother how you feel about him.”

Sierra wished it were that easy. “There’s something else. Something Trey doesn’t know, and I don’t know how he’s going to react when I tell him.”

“What is it?”

“I’m pregnant with his baby.” Sierra held the phone away from her ear when her friend started squealing.

“Oh my God, girl! That is the best news I’ve heard all year.”

“You think Trey’s going to be happy about this?”

Marisa laughed. “Are you kidding me? My brother is going to be thrilled. Okay, you need to get ready right now. I’ll book your flight and text you the details. I’ll give you a few hours when you get there to enjoy your own private celebration. Then I’m bringing everyone over for a proper celebration. This is so exciting; I can’t wait to tell everyone.”