New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer (21 page)

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Authors: Bill Maher

BOOK: New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer
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BILL MAHER
T
 
NEW RULES
 
Tallowed Be Thy Name
 
NEW RULE
 
Jesus is not a candle. A company in South Dakota is selling candles with the scent of Jesus. You light one, and your friends say, “Christ, what’s that smell?” It’s true, the formula comes straight out of the Bible—it’s from the little-known Letter of Paul to the Aromatherapists. But if Jesus really smelled so great, how come everybody was always offering to wash his feet?
Tart Reform
 
First Amber Frey was mad that Scott Peterson was married. Then she was mad that he had killed his wife.
 
NEW RULE
 
There’s just no pleasing some people.
1040 BS
 
NEW RULE
 
That computer setup in your home where you play video golf at night and your wife has sexy cyber chats with strangers during the day is not a tax-deductible “in-home office.” It’s a chair in your family room, facing away from your family.
The Book of Moron
 
NEW RULE
 
If Utah gets to edit Hollywood, then Hollywood gets to edit Utah. Four Utah-based companies are taking popular movies, editing out parts they don’t like, and then selling them to other sexually repressed squares. Let me ask you this, Spencer: How’d you like it if we went through the Book of Mormon and took out all the bullshit? You have your fantasy world—it involves celestial marriage and magic underpants—and we have ours: It involves Sin City and a half-naked Jessica Alba. Instead of asking yourself “What would Jesus edit?” accept that maybe
Pooty Tang
just isn’t for you. You don’t see me adding jokes to Pauly Shore movies. Believe me, it won’t up your street cred when you bring home
Dude, Where’s My Bible?
The Guest Wing
 
 
NEW RULE
 
The president can have sleepovers. It turns out President Bush puts up some of his big-name donors in the Lincoln bedroom just like Clinton! And you know what? I still don’t care. If Bush wants to get in his footy pajamas and have CEOs over to play Battleship, fine. If that’s all Bush donors are getting for their money, it’s not called “a scandal”—it’s called “a good start.”
The L-Word
 
NEW RULE
 
Stop saying tax-and-spend liberal. That’s what the government does:It taxes and spends. As opposed to the system under Bush/Cheney: Dine-and-dash.
Three Reichs and You’re Out
 
 
NEW RULE
 
George Bush isn’t Hitler. In the 2004 election,
MoveOn.org
compared Bush to Hitler, ignoring the first rule for being taken seriously by grown-ups, which is: Don’t call everyone you don’t like “Hitler.” Bush is not Hitler. For one thing, Hitler was a decorated, frontline combat veteran. Also, in the election that brought him to power in 1933, Hitler got more votes than the other candidates.
And Hitler had a mustache. So let’s all take a rest from playing the Hitler card. Unless we’re talking about Saddam Hussein. Now, that guy was Hitler.
 
Tiara Alert
 
 
NEW RULE
 
No more “talent competitions” at beauty pageants. Being hot is a talent. The only reason we endured watching Miss Texas play the xylophone in the first place was because it made her breasts jiggle. The talent contest is just an interminable delay to the whole point of the night: getting date-raped by an athlete.
Till Debt Do Us Part
 
NEW RULE
 
Enough with the bitching about the credit card companies. Sure, they’re a bunch of predatory loan sharks, but your credit problems may also have something to do with the fact that you just can’t stop buying stuff. So, set down your $5, double-mocha, no-foam latte and your plasma-screen, Internet-accessible, camera cell phone and face the fact that there’s only one surefire way to erase credit card debt—by picking up a big, shiny pair of scissors ... and cutting your wife in half.
Tit for Tat
 
NEW RULE
 
No breast-feeding in public. Some women think it’s okay to openly breast-feed in the restaurant while I’m trying to eat. They say it’s healthy and natural. Well, so is my date’s libido—but you don’t see her blowing me next to the dessert cart.
AND NEW RULE
 
You can’t choose to be a cheap whore at only one specific place and time. If you show your breasts for plastic beads at Mardi Gras in New Orleans, then you have to show your breasts for beads at a Houlihan’s in Philadelphia.
To Kill a Sunrise
 
NEW RULE
 
“Morning people” must keep it to themselves. By the time you stop and explain that you’re a morning person, it’s too late—you’ve already annoyed me. We get it—you’re up and ready to go at the crack of dawn, just like my dick.
Tongue Twisters
 
 
NEW RULE
 
Lesbian kisses aren’t risque; they’re desperate cries for attention. Sucking face with another chick means one of three things: Nobody is paying attention to you at the bar, no one is watching your sitcom, or no one is buying your album. Lesbian experimentation should be done in the privacy of a dorm room at Arizona State University.
Too Much Intimation
 
NEW RULE
 
If I say “How ya doin?” and I don’t know you, the only proper response is “Fine.” I don’t need to know your mother is ill or your cat has herpes or your kid is on trial for date rape. I’m sorry you need a hug, but we’re on an elevator ride, not a share-your-feelings weekend retreat. This is LA. If I wanted to know the intimate details of your life, I’d hack into your cell phone.
Toodle-Eww
 
 
NEW RULE
 
No more farewell tours for Cher unless it’s really good-bye. Recently, Cher wrapped up her 3-year farewell tour in Hollywood. Yes, it’s probably time to put the sequins and diamond-studded tiara down when the transvestites in the audience look more like you
than you
do. And if the Eagles get back together one more time, I’m going to stab them with my steely knives until I just
can
kill the beast!

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