New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer (7 page)

Prescriptures

 

NEW RULE

 

P
harmacists have to fill prescriptions. More and more American pharmacists are refusing to fill prescriptions for birth control because of their personal moral objections. You know what would really teach us a lesson? If you took off your pretend doctor jacket and got another job.

Or maybe I’m wrong. Maybe cutting off the Pill doesn’t go far enough. It’s high time activist drugstores stopped coddling sluts in every aisle. Let’s not sell any more makeup, either. A good woman doesn’t paint herself. And no more deodorant. You should smell bad—keeps the boys from getting ideas. And no suntan lotion—I’ve seen what happens at the MTV beach-house, you whore. You want to avoid melanoma, buy a veil.

Why is this country becoming Utah? I know the conservatives are always saying that the coastal elites don’t really “get it” about them because we just “fly over.” Okay, maybe, but you guys don’t get us either: We need sex. Refusal to provide birth control threatens our economy and our very way of life here in Southern California. There’s a lotta hot chicks out here, man; we need birth control. Seriously—I mean, how do you think movies get made?

Now, of course, I know the other side is saying, yes, but this is a moral issue. Problem is, not everyone gets their morals from the same book. You go by the book that says slavery is okay but sex is wrong—until after marriage, at which point it becomes a blessed sacrament between a husband and the wife who’s withholding it.

In conclusion, let me say to all the activist pharmacists out there, the ones who think sex is bad, probably because sex with them always is: A pharmacist is not a lawmaker, or even a doctor—in the medical pecking order, you rank somewhere in between a chiropractor and a tree surgeon. You don’t answer to a law higher than the laws of men. You work for Save-On. The doctors are the ones who make the medical decisions because they’re the ones who went to medical school, whereas you were just transferred from the counter where people drop off film.