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That sounded really boring.

“
It doesn’t look like there’s much out here. I don’t see anything.”

“
You have to walk around. I want you to find one of the Grisnosian settlements. Find out as much about it as you can.”

“
Won’t that be dangerous?”

“
We’ll have to determine that when you get there.”

“
I thought you said these people were dangerous. I thought they were threatening our way of life. And now you’re not sure how dangerous they are?”

“
First of all, I never said any of that. Second of all, they
are
threatening our way of life. You didn’t let me finish what I was telling you.”

I was pretty sure he had finished what he was telling me and was now just making things up as he went along.

“
Okay. Sorry if I interrupted.”

“
What we suspect is that the Grisnosians are wasting their land. We could bring some equipment out there, irrigate it. Give them all jobs.”

“
That’s why I’m here?”

“
So, you see, it’s really a peaceful mission. Poke around their settlement or city or whatever they have there, and get back to me with that information.”

“
How do I get back to you?”

“
Just speak into the headphones. I’ll be listening.”

Thirteen

Great. Now I had someone listening to my every move. If their surveillance was so strong, why didn’t they already know everything there was to know about the Grisnosians? Why didn’t they know exactly where their settlements were? Fetch didn’t even sound like he knew how developed they were or not. Didn’t even seem to know how many of them there were. I had no idea what I was walking into.

But, one thing was for certain, I had a lot of walking to do. This land was flat and empty and I didn’t see anything on the horizon in any direction. I started walking in the same direction the lizard man had fled.

It wasn’t long before my feet hurt and I developed a stitch in my side. I was thirsty. Before I panicked about lack of water, I decided to check the stock of the gun. I flipped it open and looked at the orange buttons. One of them was labeled ‘water’.

I pressed it.

A stream of water arced out from the butt of the gun. It stopped when I let go of the button. I positioned my mouth and pressed the button again. The tepid water shot into my cheek until I pointed it into my mouth. I didn’t drink very much. I felt like there had to be some supply in the gun somewhere and didn’t want to use more than I had to. I closed the metal panel on that half of the stock and looked at the machine gun with new found respect.

So far, it felt like my only friend.

Fourteen

I walked until it got dark.

My earphones crackled and Fetch’s voice came through. “Find anything yet?”

“
Nope.”

“
You’ve been there for hours.”

“
Sorry. I haven’t found anything yet,” I snapped at him. I was getting hungry and tired.

He didn’t sign off or say bye or anything. He just didn’t say anything else.

I flipped open the panel on the gun and looked for a button that said ‘food’.

There it was on the lower right hand side. It would have been great to have some sort of choice but, in this situation, I guess ‘food’ would have to do. I pressed the button. A thin rectangular wafer popped out of the butt of the gun like a piece of bread from a toaster. I touched it. It was warm. I didn’t really know what it was. It was kind of like a Pop Tart. I pulled it out and took a bite. The taste was indescribable. Not bad. Not great. Kind of bland. Kind of meaty. But I was starving so I wasn’t picky. I devoured it quickly and finished off with a small sip of water.

“
How much water do I have in this thing?” I spoke into the microphone.

I awaited a response but didn’t hear anything.

So much for Fetch always listening.

I explored the buttons on the machine gun.

Tent. Grenade. Water. Razor. Soap. Bidet. Parachute. Food. Antivenin. Sunblock.

I guessed those were all my essentials. ‘Antivenin’ concerned me. I wished there was a button that said ‘home’.

I pressed the tent button. A tight tube of canvas shot from the end of the gun, hit the ground, and sprang up into a perfectly formed dome tent. It was small but I thought it would serve to keep any creatures out. I was sure the only things able to live in this environment had to be among the most toxic and disagreeable on the planet.

I crawled into the tent, awash in confusion, figuring it would be a long time before I fell asleep. But I had been walking all day and physical exertion was completely foreign to me.

I drifted off into a lengthy, dreamless sleep.

Fifteen

I awoke to the sound, presumably of Fetch, making bugle noises into my headphones. It was odd, unexpected, and very loud.

“
Okay. I’m awake.”

“
About time.”

“
Jesus Christ.”

I stumbled out of the tent, dropped my pants, and had a strained and ridiculous bowel movement on the ground. It didn’t feel very dignified. I forgot to take my gun with me, so I had to toddle back to the tent with my pants around my ankles to retrieve it. I flipped open the stock panel and found the bidet button, hoping the water didn’t come from the same place as the drinking water. Thankfully, it came out from near the sights. I straddled the gun and let the water go to work on my ass, trying not to get any shit water on my hands. The bidet had always made more sense to me than conventional toilet paper. Of course, now I had a wet ass and nothing to dry it on. I wished the gun had a towel feature. I pulled my pants back up and figured everything would dry quickly in the intense, furnace-like heat of the desert.

I didn’t know how to make the tent go back into the gun so I shot it. That didn’t work. Now the tent just had holes in it. I knew I had to continue on but I would need the tent later. I took one of the ties used to tie the door flaps together and tied it to the gun. Then I slung the gun over my shoulder and continued in search of the lizard man, dragging the tent behind me.

Sixteen

Slogging along in the vast monotony, I wanted to hear some music. Anything would have been okay. Charlie Parker. I hadn’t listened to any Parker in a long time and thought maybe that would be the first thing I listened to when I went back. I wanted some real food and a beer. Whatever popped out of the gun when I became hungry left me less hungry but completely unsatisfied. I wondered how long this could go on. What kind of war zone was this, anyway? If this were a real war zone, then at least I could have tried to step on a land mine and blow myself up so I didn’t have to exist in this vacuum of boredom.

Several times I spoke into the mouthpiece but never got any answer. I even lied and said that I was in grave danger. Still, no response. Fetch probably knew I was lying. He seemed to know everything else. I’m sure he probably even knew the real reason I was here but he definitely wasn’t telling me.

I continued walking.

Seventeen

I walked for I don’t know how many days.

I tried to keep track of the passage of time but the last day I remembered for sure was the third day. After that, they just kind of ran together. I would go to sleep in the tent and wake up to the sound of Fetch mouth bugling into the headphones. Then I would begin a day of wandering through the unchanging landscape. I thought about remaining stationary and letting the lizard man come to me but that was even more boring than walking. My shoes were wearing thin and were extremely uncomfortable. I hadn’t showered since I arrived. I was pretty sure I stank but no one was around for it to bother. I put the sun block on every day but it still felt like the sun was burning the flesh off my face. It was cumbersome dragging the tent along behind me. I wished I had a hat. I thought about using the tent for a hat. I thought about a lot of things.

I walked.

I slept.

I walked some more.

Eighteen

Since I had lost track of the days I can’t say for sure when I started to go crazy. Although, I wouldn’t really consider it going crazy since I think it’s something any normal person would have done under the circumstances.

I fired my gun at any passing aircraft.

I pissed and shit in my pants, too tired and lazy to even think about using the bidet.

I carried on lengthy monologues into my mouthpiece, never hearing so much as a breath or a cough in my headphones.

I began to think conspiracy, although I couldn’t imagine why anyone would conspire against me. I wasn’t really in a position of power. I didn’t really have anything at all.

I tried out all different ways of walking.

I had never been so tired and bored and paranoid in my life.

It was toward dusk on what felt like the second year I was there when I saw the lizard man again.

At this point, I wasn’t even thinking about the war. I was just happy to see someone else, even though it might have been a large reptile.

Nineteen

There were no other people or buildings around him. He stood in the dusk and signaled wildly toward the sky. I halved the distance between us. He continued to signal. I whispered into my mouthpiece, “I’ve located the Grisnosian I saw upon my arrival.”

And, surprised, I heard a voice in return, “Go toward him. Proceed with caution.”

Fuck caution. I opened my arms and charged toward him like a wild man.

Twenty

I ran, my feet hurting, the tent flapping wildly on the ground behind me, the gun slamming into my back with each rise and fall. It made a lot of noise.

The lizard man turned his head from the expansive sky and saw me. He threw his arms out to catch me. I crashed into him.

He embraced me and we hopped up and down. In my ears, I heard Sergeant Sam Fetch saying, “What’s going on? What’s going on? Private, what the fuck is going on?!”

“
In a minute. In a minute,” I said.

Then, to the lizard man, I said, “I’ve been looking for you for a very long time.”

“
Yes,” he said in English. “You are the man who talks to himself.” His accent was very slight and unplaceable. He pulled himself away from me and swept his arms around the surrounding dusk and nothing and said, “Welcome to Grisnos!”

In my ears, it sounded like Fetch was having a conversation with someone but I couldn’t hear what was being said. I had more important things to pay attention to anyway.

“
Would you like me to show you around?” In the dusk, the lizard man was nearly invisible, blending in to the surrounding earth.

“
I would like that very much.”

“
Then you’ll have to come back tomorrow. It’s getting too dark. I have to do my star watching.”

“
Okay.” My spirits were quickly dampened. I didn’t know if I should leave or if I was invited to engage in star watching with him. Perhaps I was supposed to declare war on him. Fetch had said I needed to survey the area. Get a feel for their military and surroundings and, since this man was the only one here, and he didn’t have any firepower or anything else, I felt like I had already done that. “Should I go?”

“
You are welcome to stay.”

“
I’m, uh, Private Saul Dressing.” I didn’t like using a title to describe myself but I didn’t want Fetch to yell at me. I had a sneaking suspicion he had been brainwashing me in my sleep.

“
I’m Bob. Bob Weathers.” The lizard man held out a hand. I shook it.

“
It’s very nice to meet you, Bob.”

“
Likewise.”

“
So, this star watching…”

“
Yes. There are the stars.” He pointed up. In all my days of being here, I hadn’t noticed the stars. Without any city lights or pollution or smog, they were plentiful and beautiful. “We will watch them until our eyes get tired. And then we will retire for the evening. This is how it is in Grisnos. The stars will not come out if there is no one to watch them. And if the stars do not come out, then neither can the sun the next day.”

This guy was crazier than me!

My headphones crackled. Fetch said, “You’re doing fine, Dressing. Just keep talking to him. We’ve already learned a good deal. Make sure he shows you around tomorrow.”

“
Where do you retire to?” I asked.

“
My house, of course.” He gestured off to his left. There definitely was not a house there. Bob smacked himself on the forehead. “Forgive me, I’ve been very rude. This is Annie, my wife.” He gestured to his right. There wasn’t anyone standing there. For a second, I thought there could be. Bob blended in so well that, if I hadn’t been looking at him before dusk, then I probably wouldn’t have known he was standing there either. Just to make sure, I held out my hand for a shake. I’m sure no one shook my hand but Bob stood there, smiling broadly and nodding his head. “And these are my kids, Joe and Sally.”