News Blues (12 page)

“Ooh, we should get video for our story since we already have the undercover camera set up. I mean, raves are great to show
the effects of drug use.”

“Sure. No problem.” Jamie gave the bike gas, and we headed for the light.

The area for the rave was a roped-off section of desert, not seemingly any different from the rest of the wasteland except
for the crazy generator-powered lights and pulsating sounds. Under a small tent, a DJ spun techno and house tunes for a group
of about fifty college-aged kids. They were all dressed like Lulu—with extra baggy pants, colored sneakers, and gobs of plastic
kids’ jewelry worn around wrists and necks. Most had several piercings—some in pretty interesting spots.

We paid our ten dollars and walked past the ropes. Someone had lit a huge bonfire and the ravers were dancing around it like
shamans at an Indian tribal dance. I was delighted. This would make great video for our story.

We wandered around getting shots of the ravers. No one seemed to mind being videotaped—in fact, several kids begged us to
turn the camera on them so they could watch themselves through the view screen after a rewind. We were happy to oblige. A
few were curious as to what the video was for, but a vague mention of some kind of reality something or other worked to appease
them. This was the YouTube generation. They were used to cameras invading every part of a person’s existence.

I walked over to a vendor and waited in a ridiculous line to pay an obscene five dollars for a tiny bottle of water. As I
headed back to Jamie, bottle in hand, I saw him talking to a small blond girl in pigtails, dressed in a candy-colored jumper.
Jealousy burned my gut. After all, if Jamie were going to cheat on his fiancée, it should be with me. Not some random chick.

“Who was that?” I asked. The girl had scurried away at my approach. Little desert rat.

Jamie shrugged. “No one.”

I narrowed my eyes. “You look like you were having a pretty intense conversation for no one.” The moment the words left my
lips I regretted them. Who was I to say who Jamie could talk to or not? Even if we were together, I was not that kind of girl.
What had gotten into me? Jealous of the attention someone else’s guy was getting from another woman? Lame, Maddy. Truly lame.

“If you must know, she was trying to sell me drugs.”

My eyes widened. “That girl?
She
was a drug dealer? She didn’t even look sixteen.”

He shrugged. “I guess they must be slacking down at the drug dealer licensing department.”

“Ha, ha.” I took a sip of my water and offered some to Jamie. He slugged a good portion down. I grabbed it back. After paying
five dollars I wanted more than one sip. “Still, that’s sad, don’t you think? I mean, she could be one of Lulu’s friends.”

She probably
was
one of Lulu’s friends, now that I thought about it. I guess thank God for small favors that my sister hasn’t gone down that
road. Yet.

“Dude, you took the wrong water bottle.” A dread-locked, scrawny guy with really weird tattoos interrupted as he stalked over
in our direction. He held out another, identical-looking bottle and looked expectantly at the one I was holding.

“Oh.” I looked at the two bottles. Between Jamie and me, we’d drunk most of ours. “Oh well. Might as well keep it, right?
I mean more for you that way.”

Scrawny guy frowned. What was his problem? “Dude, I paid like thirty bucks for that.”

I raised an eyebrow. “You paid thirty bucks for water? I think you got ripped off, man.” I laughed and took another sip.

He rolled his eyes. “Not for the water, idiot. For the drugs dissolved in it.”

I choked.

“What drugs?” Jamie demanded. “Did you dose her drink?”

“Dude, it’s
my
drink. You think I wanted to waste my X on this chick? She’s not even cute.”

I sputtered, spitting the water out of my mouth onto the ground. Ohmigod. Ohmigod. Ohmigod. I’m drugged. I’d been drugged!
I was going to pass out and wake up naked in some skanky guy’s trailer.

“You bastard!” I cried. “You drugged me!”

“Yeah, so, can I have my thirty bucks since you’re going to be rolling and I’m not?” Scrawny Guy whined.

“Get the fuck out of here before I call the cops on you, ” Jamie said, shoving him backward. Scrawny Guy must have realized
he was no match for Jamie or not in the mood for cops and retreated, sad and drugless, into the sea of dancers. Jamie turned
to me, grabbing me by my shoulders.

“Calm down, Maddy, ” he commanded. “Don’t panic.”

“Don’t panic?” I cried. “Don’t panic? I’ve just taken drugs! Illegal drugs. What’s going to happen to me? Am I going to hallucinate?
Will I see God? Oh, God, I don’t think I’m ready to see God!”

Jamie groaned. “It’s just Ecstasy, Maddy. I took it once or twice in college. You’re not going to see anything. You’re going
to feel really warm and fuzzy and great in a few minutes and it’ll last for about four hours. As long as we keep you well
hydrated there’s nothing to worry about.”

“Are . . . are you sure?”

“Yes. You only had a few sips of water. You probably didn’t even get a full dose. We’ll just hang out here by the fire.”

“Maybe we should find a hospital. I mean, just in case.” I hated that I sounded wimpy, but, well, I was.

Jamie shook his head. “Can’t. I drank the water, too. It’d be unsafe for me to drive. And we know there’s no cell reception
out here to call anyone.”

“Great. We’re going to die out here in the desert and no one will even know where to look for us.”

Jamie shook me. “Listen to me, Maddy. We’re going to be fine. As long as you don’t panic. Just let the drug move in gradually.
And soon it will be gone. And someday you’ll look on this and laugh.”

“I doubt it.” I sulked. But already I felt my insides warming. And the concern and fear I felt a few seconds before were gradually
slipping away. Damn drug. I should be frightened to death. Now all I could think about was how they called Ecstasy the “love
drug.”

And Jamie and I were rolling together.

The Raver’s Guide to Ecstasy

The Multifaceted Jewel:
Ecstasy use can lead to world healing and inner peace. The pill can catalyze a powerful experience that takes many different
forms. It can induce an intense, spiritual high or lead to loving relaxation. It can connect people freely and openly with
each other or promote deep inner thinking and analysis.

TIPS WHILE ON ECSTASY

• Drink lots of water to replenish bodily fluids. Otherwise you may die of heatstroke and that would be a bad thing.

• Even if you don’t feel tired or overheated, stop dancing for a while’to chill out. (See above tip about heatstroke and dying.)

• Outside raves, maintain a healthy diet. Take vitamins. Get a good night’s sleep. This will also ensure that your parents
don’t think you’re a fuck-up and will allow you to go to more raves, thus giving you extra chances to explore yourself through
Ecstasy.

• Watch out for impure Ecstasy—bad drug dealers will try to sell you pills laced with amphetamines, LSD, heroin, and PCP.
If you want to take these drugs on your own, fine. But don’t encourage dealers to skimp on the active ingredient (MDMA) in
Ecstasy pills. The rest of us nonhardcore druggies will thank you.

• Alcohol reduces or changes the effects of the drug. Besides, most of you are not old enough to legally drink it, so leave
the beer at home!

CHAPTER NINE

I threw the drug pamphlet in the fire. What was done was done and worrying about it wouldn’t sober me up any sooner. Best
to just sit tight and try to get through the evening best I could.

Jamie went to his bike and grabbed a beach towel. He spread it over the ground and we sat, as if partaking in an odd kind
of drug picnic. We’d chosen a spot close to the bonfire and contented ourselves with watching the strange dance rituals of
the raver kids with avid fascination.

They twirled and twirled like whirling dervishes, caught up in the power of the dance. I could see for the first time why
tribes and witches used dancing in ceremonies. The power of the body’s movement was almost a spell in itself.

Personally, I had no interest in dancing. And as the Ecstasy kicked in, heating my body with a pleasant fire of its own, I
actually felt increasingly lazy and content to sit there in that spot, next to Jamie, all night. My mind wandered as I stared
into the fire, assessing all my problems—family, work, etc.—and deeming them all inconsequential. None of it mattered. And
in the end, I realized, my life was wonderful. I had so much. I’d been blessed. There were thousands of poor, starving people
out there, and here I was obsessing about my pain-in-the-ass family and job that, while it could be annoying as all hell,
also kept me well above the poverty level.

Truly, everything would be fine.

Gentle hands gripped my shoulder and I turned from my fire gazing. Jamie smiled and began to massage my back.

“Does that feel good?” he asked. His face was flushed and his pupils dilated. Evidently the drug had kicked in for him, too.

“Mmm, yes, ” I moaned in pleasure. A thousand different tingling feelings echoed through my every nerve at his touch. But
it wasn’t sexual this time. Just a warm and fuzzy feeling. He was just trying to keep me relaxed and not panicked until the
drug wore off. Nice of him, really. I squirmed closer so I was leaning against his chest. Cozy. Comfortable. Warm. What a
nice guy. A really, really nice guy.

“Good, ” he said, continuing to knead my back. “I’m glad you’re okay. I was worried about you for a minute there.”

“I appreciate that. But I’m fine, really. In fact, I can’t remember a time I’ve felt so relaxed.”

“It’s been a while for me, too. I mean, I’ve been so stressed out. With the moving, switching jobs, planning a wedding . .
.”

Ugh. He had to bring that up, didn’t he? Major buzz-kill. But we were friends, I reminded myself. Friends should be able to
talk about anything with each other. And I liked the fact he felt comfortable doing so.

“How’s the wedding planning going?” I, Maddy Madison, friend extraordinaire, asked.

He groaned. “I try to stay out of it as much as possible. When I first proposed, all I had in mind was a simple ceremony—maybe
on the beach at sunset with a few friends. She’s made it into the social event of the season.” His hands traveled to my hair,
dragging his fingers down my scalp, which made for more tingling feelings. I loved head massages, especially in my skin’s
hypersensitive state.

“Well, I’m sure it will be very nice.”

“What it’ll be is a chance for Jennifer to show off to all of her stuck-up Hollywood friends. In fact, I bet she wouldn’t
even notice if I didn’t show up.”

Hmm. Interesting. “You sound bitter.”

“Maybe I am, a little.”

Ecstasy hit different people in different ways, I realized. While I was content to simply sit back and soak everything in,
Jamie’s drug experience was prompting him to open up. To talk. Which was fine with me. I didn’t mind hearing about trouble
in Jamie and Jen paradise.

“When I first met Jen, she and I were as close as a couple could be. She wanted to pursue an acting career, and I completely
supported her. But now that she’s landed a few roles, got invited to a few key Hollywood parties, she wants more. It’s like
an addiction to fame. She doesn’t want to go out for a quiet meal. She wants to ‘see and be seen.’ She doesn’t want to drive
up the coast to watch the sunset. She wants to go dancing at the Viper Room.”

I yelped as his fingers caught a snarl.

“Sorry, ” he said, patting my head. “It just gets me so angry. Sometimes I don’t even know why she’s marrying me. I’m not
even her type.”

“No?” I turned to face him. He looked so sad. Like a lost boy. I wanted to comfort him. To hold him close and tell him everything
was going to be okay. I tried to tell myself those urges were coming from my drug-enhanced state, but I knew better.

“Not at all. I’ve told you before that I don’t buy into the whole Hollywood scene. I don’t like going to parties. I don’t
care which celebrity was spotted at which restaurant, and I don’t care about going there once they were to see if they return.”
He scrubbed his face with his hands. “And now that I’ve had to shelve my filmmaking career, I’m not even someone she wants
to show off to her friends. At least at one time I was quote ‘cool.’ Someone she was proud of.”

I fought back an overwhelming sadness as I contemplated his situation. Man, this Ecstasy was making me way too emotional—pity
stabbing at my heart. I felt so bad for him. Here he was, the most wonderful guy I’d ever met and he was stuck with a woman
who completely didn’t appreciate him. Didn’t worship him as he deserved.

I hadn’t realized I was crying until he reached over and brushed away a lone tear from my cheek with his thumb. The gesture
was gentle. Sweet. Made me want to act completely irrational and fall into his arms. Before I could act on such an impulse,
he continued.

“We got into a huge fight when I took this job in San Diego, ” he said. “She told me I was a loser. That I was giving up my
dream.” He grabbed a rock off the ground and threw it into the fire. “But you know what? It’s
her
dream, not mine. I’m still doing what I want to do. I’m still a photographer. Sure, local TV news isn’t as glamorous as Hollywood
. . .”

“Understatement alert!” I said with a chuckle.

“. . . but it’s a steady paycheck. And I like San Diego, too. It’s nonpretentious. Peaceful. You could raise a child here.”
He snorted. “Not that she probably wants children anymore. Pregnancy might force her to eat once in a while.”

“I hope you don’t mind me asking this, ” I interjected, the drug making me brave. “But why are you marrying her? You sound
like you’d rather face a firing squad.”

He shrugged. “Sometimes, I’m honestly not sure. But I can’t call it off now. Everything’s been paid for. Deposits can’t be
returned. Her dad’s spent a fortune. How can I just walk away?”

“Jamie, once you’re married it’s going to be a lot worse.” I folded my arms across my chest. “Can’t you talk to her? Figure
out what’s going on? Maybe go to counseling?”

He sighed. “No. Yes. I don’t know.” He leaned back against a boulder. “I don’t know why I even told you all that. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. We’re friends, remember?”

“Friends.” He smiled, reaching over to brush a strand of hair from my eyes. “It’s so hard to be your friend, Maddy.”

My heart caught in my throat. What had he just said?

He groaned and leaned back on his rock. “Sorry, ” he said. “I shouldn’t say things like that. It’s not fair.”

“It’s okay, ” I replied, hardly able to breathe. “I mean, we have to be honest with each other, right?”

“Honest?” Jamie raked a hand through his hair. “You want honest? How about the fact that you’ve been driving me absolutely
crazy these past few weeks.”

“Crazy?” I repeated slowly. “Like in a bad way or a good way?”

“Maddy, you haven’t left my mind for two seconds since the morning we slept together. You’re like a sickness I can’t seem
to shake. And in some ways, I’m not sure I want to. You make me laugh. You give me encouragement when it comes to my writing.
You’re supportive and sweet and beautiful and I’m crazy about you and I feel fucking horrible about it. Especially when I’m
talking to Jen. I mean, I hate the idea that I’ve betrayed her. Once with my body and over and over again in my mind. She
deserves better than me.” He slammed his fist against his knee. “God, this is such a nightmare. I don’t know what to do about
it.”

“I-I had no idea, ” I whispered, my insides doing flip-flops ’til I felt like I was going to puke and it had nothing to do
with drugs. I couldn’t believe it. All this time I had tried to keep things friendly and not fall in love, never knowing he’d
been struggling with the same thoughts and feelings as I.

He looked over at me. “I’m sorry, ” he apologized, his eyes beautiful and sad. “I told you it would be better to keep my mouth
shut.” He sighed. “It’s just . . . well, I sit here and look at you and all I want to do is kiss you. To make love to you.
To possess you in every way possible. But I can’t. I can’t do any of it.” He closed his eyes and tipped his head to the sky.
“If only I’d met you three years earlier. Or something.”

I reached over and placed a hand on his knee, wanting to comfort him but having no idea what to say. My own thoughts whirled
like dervishes in my head. I knew if I leaned over and pressed my lips against his, he wouldn’t be able to resist. But at
the same time, he’d hate himself for giving in. And I didn’t want that.

He flinched at my touch and abruptly scrambled to his feet. “I’ve got to go take a walk, ” he muttered.

“Jamie, wait!”

“I’ll be back. Stay here.”

Helpless, I watched him step away from the fire and wander out into the wild, barren desert. I wanted to run after him, but
what would I do when I got there? One thing would lead to another and we’d end up making the same mistake we made on our first
night together. And we couldn’t do that. It wasn’t fair to Jennifer. And it wasn’t fair to us either.

So I curled up on the towel, pulling my feet into a fetal position, allowing the tears to stream down my cheeks. It was one
thing to fall for someone alone. But to know they felt the same, yet refused to act on it, was something else entirely.

Was I deluding myself to think he’d break up with Jen and give me a chance? Or was there a possibility—even a slight one—that
he would? And was that what I really wanted in the end—for him to ditch the woman he’d promised his life to and start shacking
up with me instead? Or was I being totally and utterly selfish?

“Maddy, wake up!”

I groggily attempted to open one eye, but the glaring sunshine seemed capable of burning out my vision, so I closed it again.
Ugh. I felt like utter crap. My head pounded. My mouth tasted like cotton wool. My joints were sore and a sharp rock dug into
my back. Ugh.

“Maddy. We have to get back to San Diego.” Hands shook my shoulders, and I groaned.

“Five more minutes, Mom.”

“Not Mom. Jamie.”

That did it. I opened my eyes. Scrambled to a seated position. Jamie sat beside me, looking rumpled and sexy, though more
than a bit drained. I ran a hand through my hair, trying to flatten it. I probably looked like Medusa. And there was no bathroom
here to hide in.

I took stock of my surroundings. Several raver kids lay sacked out in various positions by the fire pit, the flames long extinguished.
Others were still dancing, believe it or not. And a DJ manned the booth, still spinning his techno tunes. I admired their
endurance. How much Ecstasy did one have to take to stay dancing from dusk until dawn?

The night before seemed almost like a dream. I remembered everything—no alcoholic blackout this time—but it all seemed unreal.
Wavy. Suspect. Did Jamie really tell me he was crazy about me?

It did, however, make things rather awkward. We couldn’t just say good-bye this time. We had to drive back two hours. Two
hours on a bike, pressed against him.

“Morning, ” Jamie said. “Did you sleep well?”

“Don’t remember.” I stood up and stretched my arms above my head, trying to gain some sense of bodily well-being. Why was
I so sore? I didn’t even dance. I noticed the sun, barely peeking over the horizon. “What time is it?”

Jamie glanced at his watch. “Just after six.”

I screwed up my face. “I could have slept a few extra hours.”

Jamie grabbed the towel and started folding it up. “We’ve got a two-hour ride back to San Diego. That’ll get us in by eight.
I’m assuming you don’t want to go to work without a shower?”

I looked down at my body. I was nasty. Dusty, dirty, and truth be told, a bit rank.

“A shower would probably be in order.” I laughed, noticing Jamie didn’t laugh with me. Or meet my eyes. Uh-oh.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Nothing, ” he said dismissively. “Got a headache is all.”

No, that wasn’t all. He had a case of the regrets. It was clearly written on his face. He wished he hadn’t spent the night
with me. Wished he hadn’t spilled all his secrets. About him and Jen’s relationship. About how he was crazy about me. He was
biting his tongue to be patient, but trying to get the hell away from the scene as soon as possible. Typical guy reaction.

And I, on the other hand, was still goofy in love. Which I guess was a typical girl reaction. Go figure.

I decided against badgering him to tell me what was on his mind. In my hungover, vulnerable mental state I really couldn’t
deal with any more rejection. Better to let it sit. Get a ride home. Call in sick to work and stew about the whole thing from
the comfort of my couch. Maybe I’d even order pizza. I hadn’t eaten since yesterday morning.

“I’m ready when you are, ” I said.

He nodded and started walking toward the road where he’d parked his bike. I followed behind, not quite able to keep up with
his speedy pace. Wow, he really
was
in a hurry to get the hell out of Dodge.

When I caught up, I found him frantically looking up and down the desert road, sheer panic written on his face.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, scrunching up my eyes in confusion.

Then it hit me. I, too, looked up and down the road, panicked.

Oh shit.

“Jamie, where’s your motorcycle?”