Next Year in Israel (22 page)
She had no idea I was just a poser. How long could I keep it up? I let go of my wet squeegee, which wobbled. “I have something to tell you.”
Mia picked it up. “Wouldn’t it be fun to be college roommates?”
My mouth went dry. This was my last chance. I’d never tell her if I didn’t try to utter the words. “I need to tell you something.”
She was still holding the squeegee. “Are you okay? Your eyes are watering.”
I hadn’t realized my eyes were tearing up. “I was a loser at home. I had no friends.” It hurt to remember it, and it hurt to say it.
She handed me a rag. “Stop kidding.”
“I’m not kidding.” I had done a good job lying. “If you had known me, you wouldn’t be questioning it.”
“You don’t seem like a loser.”
I stopped for a second, unsure if I could tell her the rest.
“What is it?”
“I tried to kill myself.” The words came out faster than I had expected.
“Now you’re scaring me.”
“It’s the truth.” I wiped the back of my hand on my nose.
“But you’re normal.”
My shoulders perked up. Normal was good. Mom and Dad said I wasn’t crazy. If I was crazy, they would have locked me up in a mental ward.
“How’d you do it?”
“
Shalom.
You are not done?” Our supervisor, Irina, asked in a thick Russian accent. She frequently snuck up on us. “I want to talk about… insults.”
We usually spent fifteen minutes of work teaching her English. It was a win-win situation. We got an easy job, and she improved her English.
I listened to Irina hum in Russian, waiting for us to answer.
“I’m here, if you ever want to talk about it,” Mia said. She looked at Irina’s short black hair. “
Imbecile
means somebody stupid. Say
imbecile
.”
MIA AND I SAT ON the bench in the Jewish Quarter of Jerusalem. After finals, we had begged Leah to visit Jerusalem one last time. Leah begrudgingly agreed to let us go alone as long as we promised to stick to the tourist areas. On the bench, I felt happy about my makeover, but I knew I wasn’t done yet. I was still finding out who I was. One thing was for sure: I wasn’t the same girl who I used to be.
Mia bent over and touched the ground with her hand. The cobblestone sidewalks made the Jewish Quarter feel like the ancient neighborhood it actually was. “I’m gonna miss Israel.”
“Leah says that our experience here will always be a part of us,” I said. “The
kfar
’s unforgettable.”
“Eilat was unforgettable.” Mia said and giggled.
“Tova isn’t gonna tell my parents about Shira’s.” I had said goodbye to Avi and his parents the night before, and I hadn’t been surprised when Tova told me I had learned my lesson. Avi had given me a half-smile and answered her in Hebrew.
I examined Leah’s hand-drawn map. Beside our bench was a jagged brick wall. “This must be the ruins from the Hurva synagogue.”
Mia pointed to the brick arch in front of us. “It’s magnificent.” We were at Hurva Square, the place of another Jewish synagogue.
“It is,” I agreed. “It looks so modern compared to the ancient rubble.” The arch had been added in a restoration and seemed to connect the past to the present.
We overheard a tour guide speaking French to tourists. Two Orthodox men walked past us, glanced our way, and turned their heads away. “Like Jordyn says, they’re sexist,” Mia said.
“They don’t want to be tempted by the fruit of another.” Leah told us that Orthodox people don’t acknowledge strangers out of modesty. But I figured they didn’t want to be tempted into unorthodox situations.
“She converted you.”
“Nah. Look at the positive. They don’t force their rules on us.” I pulled out Mia’s phone from her backpack. “Take your pictures.”
“I didn’t take any in Eilat.”
“What happens in Eilat stays in Eilat.”
She pulled down her keyboard and texted her parents:
Hanging w/R
.
I took her phone and texted:
It’s R. M & I want 2 go 2 college together
.
“Can I come visit you before we start applications?” Mia said.
“Yeah, sure.”
“Can I come to school with you?”
“Why?” I asked protectively. My favorite friends were at school: Derrick and Grace.
“I want to see who teased you. You point them out, and I’ll tell them off.”
Mia was a true friend. Nobody at school had wanted to stand up for me. If I pointed out Derrick and Grace, I would have to explain what pushed me over the edge. I stood up and pulled Mia’s wrist. “Thanks, you’re a good friend. Let’s go see the Wall one last time.”
She followed me. “I’m being serious.”
“It’s not necessary.” The Monday after Grace didn’t show up at the mall, I’d gone to school in a panic. English was gonna suck. Grace, Emmy,
and
Derrick were in my class. I felt like nothing that day, but I held up my head high, determined to get through it. Derrick barked at me in the hallway. That was nothing new. But Grace smiled at him. Once I got to class and sat down, I kept my face blank. Just before the bell rang, Grace stopped by my desk and asked me how the mall was. I didn’t answer, and she shoved her phone at me and said there was a silly text that was going around.
I looked.
It was a fake photo of me. A pug dog face had been Photoshopped on my face. Derrick laughed as he sauntered past Grace and me. Grace swiped away the phone and joined Derrick in the back row. I took out my notebook and stared at the pages. I’d never be anything than a loser in their eyes. I cried myself to sleep that night. Something was unfixable about me, and I couldn’t change it.
At dawn, the pit of emptiness inside me had grown. I splashed lukewarm water on my face, telling Mom I was nauseous. She’d rattled on about a stomach bug and told me to stay home.
In the present, in Jerusalem, Mia and I walked down the steps linking the Jewish Quarter to the Wall plaza. “Going to school with you would be cool,” Mia said at the last step.
I scanned the hill behind the plaza. It looked like a crowded maze of white buildings and towers concentrated on the Wall. “My school’s just as boring as yours.”
At first, I’d been terrified by my thoughts of wanting to die. Death was final. But the more I thought about it, the more it seemed beautiful. Nothing had changed in years. Whatever happened to me after I died had to be better than my life. Better than being a freak. Better than being lonely. Better than being the loser who didn’t matter.
I’d felt calm, analyzing my options. Shooting myself was out of the question because neither Mom nor Dad owned a gun, and I was too lazy to try and get one. Slashing my wrists didn’t seem right either. I’d leave bloodstains, and Mom would have to replace everything that got ruined. Drowning felt too difficult when I imagined freezing to death in a cold river. Hanging seemed like something I might mess up by tying the rope wrong. Carbon monoxide poisoning was too complicated. I’d have to pinpoint the perfect window of time for using one of Mom’s or Dad’s cars. I had decided on the one painless and foolproof option.
Mia snapped her fingers at me. “Hello.”
“Sorry.” I unzipped my backpack for the soldier in front of the gate. He squeezed my lip gloss case like he had done a million times before. “I was thinking about school at home.”
“Don’t you want to show them?” Mia asked.
Show them? I’d taken the sleeping pills and aspirin from Mom’s medicine cabinet, feeling powerful. I was in control of my own destiny. In my bathroom, I filled the tub with warm water and vanilla scented bubble bath. As I sank into the warm water, I imagined my funeral. Students would show up, crying; Derrick, Emmy, and Grace would console themselves by telling everybody it was just a joke and they didn’t think I would kill myself. My parents would be sad, but would get over it when the shock of my death wore off. Yes, they would be fine without me.
My heart had pounded like crazy as I dried my body and buttoned up my pink pajamas. They were perfect for my final moments—the big rose pattern was cheerful, not sad.
The pills waited for me on the sink. I filled up a Dixie cup with cold water. There was no turning back once I swallowed. I listened to water drain from the tub. Did I really want to do it? There’d be no birthdays or hugs from my parents. I wouldn’t graduate high school or go to college. I wouldn’t have a boyfriend or fall in love. The empty pit inside of me was still there. My hands shook as I dumped out the pills. Time would move forward. Death was gonna be better. I wouldn’t be lonely or worthless anymore.
I put the pills in my mouth. I wasn’t really there. This was my body doing what it had to do. I chased the pills down with water. A bitter taste lingered on my tongue.
How amazing that Pugly didn’t chicken out
, I’d thought. In my bed, I snuggled underneath the covers until my body tingled with sleep.
“Don’t you want to show them that you have me as a friend?” Mia said.
I focused on her brown eyes. “It’s not necessary. Is the paper lady here?”
She pointed to the scarf-headed woman talking to a group of locals huddled behind her. “She’s doing well today.”
The woman was being greeted by her friends, with hugs and pecks on the cheeks. Behind them, the Wall stood up like a giant stone shield in the sky. “Let’s give her enough
shekels
for a pita’n’ chips,” I said.
We approached her slowly, not wanting to impose on the gathering behind her. I put the rest of my
shekels
into her tip jar and took a miniature pencil from her table. She gave me a paper scrap the size of a fortune cookie message.
Walking through the crowd, the Wall seemed more important than a bunch of stones. The weeds seeping from the cracks gave it personality like dimples on a face. I glanced behind me. The locals were holding hands and circling around. They moved counterclockwise, in and out, motioning to strangers to join them like the finale of a square dance contest. Some splintered off, moving in a smaller circle in the middle.
Mia watched them. “Look at them.”
“Go dance. I’ll be there in a minute.” I weaved my way through women praying.
In front of the Wall, my heart dropped. What if Mom hadn’t come home because of a gut feeling something was wrong? What if I hadn’t survived? I wouldn’t have felt the rush of jumping into a waterfall, had Shabbat dinners, or helped Mia get over her fear of heights. There wouldn’t have been the kisses with Avi or Jake. I wouldn’t have seen how wonderful life could be.
My heart floated. I leaned my paper against my hand and wrote,
Thank you, God, for keeping me alive,
and placed it in a crack.
ON OUR LAST NIGHT AT the
kfar
, Mia put the bucket into the corner of our room. “We should leave it underneath the leak for the next set of students,” I said while I pulled my photos off the wall. School and my house would be the same, but the difference was me. I was no longer the loser or the mousy sidekick. I was me. The girl who would never again spend the night on the beach.
“Don’t forget your Hebrew workbook,” Mia said.
“All the pages are used.” I had a lot to look forward to. At home, I was gonna report Derrick and make friends. I’d look elsewhere if I couldn’t find any at school. I’d be getting my driver’s license, looking into college, and there’d be dating and boyfriends.
“Rebecca, Mia, are you there?” Leah said outside our door.
“Yup,” Mia answered.
“Open the door. I need to see you, loves.”
Mia slid open the door and smiled.
“I’m here,” I announced as though it were the first night instead of the last.
Leah glanced at my suitcase, which was overflowing with clothes. “I’ll wake you in the morning.
Laila tov
.”
It was annoying. She was acting as if it was a regular night because a new group of students would take our place in January.
“Good night.” Mia partially closed the door.
“Night,” I said. “And Leah.”
“Yes, Rebecca?”
“I’ll never forget you.”
“Same, Love.”
“Will you be sleeping in your office?” Mia prodded through the crack.
I rolled my eyes. Asking for her whereabouts was like requesting a copy of a final exam.
“I trust you to stay in your room,” Leah said.
Mia sighed.
I snickered. Ben had insisted he come to our room after Leah’s bed check, then sneak to his room. Mia had disagreed. She thought it was less risky if she went to Ben’s room alone. I thought it was sweet Ben wanted to double his risk for her. After arguing, they decided to flip a
shekel
over it.
Mia moved to her bed. “Room switching starts now.”
“What if she checks again?”
“I’ll go to the bathroom as a test. If she comes back, she’ll go upstairs first. There are more rooms to check up there.”
Excitement surrounded everybody’s plans. Jordyn and her friends planned to join Israeli guys for a midnight dip in the pool. Jake said he would come to my room when the coast was clear. I had no worries about breaking curfew. Falling asleep would be impossible the night before my life would change again. Besides, I wanted to be with Jake.
I tossed Mia’s blue University of Michigan sweatshirt to the middle of the room. “Need it for tonight?”
She sauntered from her bed and picked it up. “I might wear it. Change your mind about Jake?”
I relaxed my lips. “Nah.”
“That’s a fake smile.”
“Mind reader,” I said.
“You’ll know when you see him.”
I giggled. “There’s a reason for Jake and me to be together.”
“Don’t knock your spiritual advisor. What am I going to do without you and Ben?”
“No crying until tomorrow. We’ll call each other all the time.” I felt a lump in my throat. Mia and I had talked nonstop about Grace on the bus ride home from Jerusalem, and Mia had pointed out that neither one of us crumbled when Jordyn backstabbed us.
“You’re going all the way with Jake.”
“Isn’t it time for you to sneak out?”
She put on her sweatshirt over her maize-colored sweater. “Hood up or down?”
“Down.”
I peeked through our door crack. “No sign of Leah.”