Nice Couples Do (15 page)
Sexual Prowess.
I am a reader of romance novels. In them, in movies, and in erotic articles in magazines, men are always capable of multiple erections and women are capable of multiple orgasms, each as “exquisitely complete” as the last. They make love for hours, changing positions frequently, while she never gets frustrated and he never loses his erection. They make love three or four times in one night and only rarely come up for air. Naturally, I expected real people to perform like those I read about, and I was terribly disillusioned both by my partners and by myself. What was wrong with us? One good orgasm and all my partner and I wanted was to luxuriate in all of the soft, sharing feelings that follow wonderful lovemaking.
There are probably many people out there who are multiply orgasmic. I now have accepted that I’m not, and none of the men with whom I have had relationships are, either. Maybe they were at sixteen, but I haven’t met a man capable of more than one or possibly two orgasms within a love-making session. There are probably men who can maintain an erection for hours, but I’ve never met one. And I know that none of this matters for a good lovemaking experience.
Be realistic. Don’t expect miracles from your partner. More important, don’t have unrealistic expectations about yourself. Enjoy the experiences you both have and don’t measure them against what you believe they should be. On the other hand, don’t deny the possibility of pleasures after that first orgasm. Stroking and kissing need not stop with a climax.
Sometimes orgasms don’t happen at all. Sometimes that’s all right, I often get so much pleasure out of a prolonged lovemaking session that, when my partner climaxes, it’s like an orgasm for me, as well—not a physical orgasm but, rather, a mental one, and that’s so satisfying that nothing more is necessary.
But sometimes that’s not enough. Be aware of your partner and don’t assume that because you’ve climaxed, she has. Try to be alert, even if she maintains that it’s never been better. Women are often reluctant to make demands on a man who has just climaxed. She may think, He’s tired now, or, He won’t be interested. That’s hogwash. Communicate.
Men, turn up your radar. Women, don’t make him guess, but don’t insult him, either. Ask gently for what you want, or take his hand and use it to show him what you need, or masturbate while he watches. Use one of the communication techniques I’ve explained in this book if you need to. And don’t give up if your partner is slow to realize what you’re trying to say.
There is an even greater mental problem about orgasms. I once knew a couple who had done a great deal of eating out over the years and considered themselves gourmets. Unfortunately, they spent most of each meal comparing that night’s dishes with ones they had had in the past. Nothing was ever as good as the food they had had a few years ago at some other bistro. At that bistro years ago, they probably spoiled the meal comparing the food with some meal still further back.
You can spoil a sexual encounter by trying to remember when it was better. Now is now and the past is past. Revel in the present and treasure your wonderful memories. If you have ideas for improving the future, use them to build on, not to undermine.
Shaving.
Many women shave what has come to be called the bikini area, that tender area of pubic hair on the inside of the upper thigh and on the lower abdomen. Many also trim the length of their pubic hair. There is a star of X-rated movies who shaves her pubic hair in the shape of a heart. Some men and women find it erotic to make love to someone with a naked pubic area. Tastes vary.
If you have never shaved your pubic area, do so carefully. Nicks can be very painful and skin in the pubic area is very easily irritated. After you shave, wash the area with a disinfectant soap such as Betadine Surgical Scrub, or swab the area with alcohol or witch hazel, being careful of the mucous membranes.
I have never had my pubic area shaved except when I had my two children, which was quite a long time ago. I do remember, though, that it was very itchy as the hair grew. With these caveats, if shaving turns you and your partner on, go for it.
Carpets.
If you’ve never made love on a rug before, be careful. Your elbows and your coccyx, or tailbone, are very vulnerable to rug burns. In the heat of passion, you might not even realize what’s happening until you have large and very nasty abrasions. You might try lying on a large towel, which also prevents strange stains from appearing on your beautiful beige wall-to-wall. Worrying about such mundane things is a sure mood killer.
Drugs.
Some thoughts about drugs. Sex is its own high. It can bring on levels of pleasure that can be reached in no other way. Hard drugs are totally unnecessary. As a matter of fact, they can be counterproductive. One friend who tried pot in the freewheeling sixties told me that when he tried to make love while high, he couldn’t concentrate sufficiently on what he was doing to climax. Other hard drugs, such as cocaine, can make your nipples, penis, or vagina numb, limiting your appreciation of stimulation.
There are no aphrodisiacs that I’m aware of that are effective and not dangerous. Oysters, asparagus, and rhinoceros horn have no proven ability to do anything to enhance your potency. Spanish flies and their ilk are irritants and can be dangerous or even fatal.
In contrast, there are nonprescription drugs advertised in sex magazines. Read the ads carefully. Most contain only one active ingredient, caffeine. It’s easier and less expensive to drink coffee, tea, or cola.
Other companies advertise placebo sex aids. The word
placebo
comes from the medieval Latin for pleasing or acceptable. It means something that has no pharmacological effect, no medical results: sugar pills. Remember that the most active and successful erogenous zone is your brain. If you want to pretend to give your partner something that will make him your sexual slave or make her so hungry for you that she’ll jump you as soon as you get home, make sure your partner knows about it. Feed him sugar pills and plant the idea that you are going to indulge in some good active sex and he will be unable to resist you. Pretending can be great fun, but it needs cooperation.
If you feel you need something to increase your potency, take a “pill” and pretend that it has worked better than your wildest dreams. Get into it. If you cooperate with the sugar pill, it will work.
Spontaneity.
Those who do not have to worry about birth control, for whatever reason, are able to make love whenever the fancy strikes them. Those of us who have to concern ourselves about not getting pregnant don’t have that luxury. There are, however, things a woman can do to help.
If you are a diaphragm user, insert it every night after dinner (or whenever your usual loving time is). The same goes for contraceptive sponges. Don’t think about it. Don’t feel that it is a decision you have to make. Don’t say “Well tonight I don’t think he’s in the mood, so I’ll skip it.” Moods change.
What do you have to lose? Of course, you can always stop for a moment to insert a birth-control device. A moment’s pause sometimes refreshes and recharges. Sometimes having to stop is a mood killer. I hope your excitement isn’t that delicate.
Condoms.
There may be times when it is advisable for a man to wear a condom. In addition to preventing conception, condoms are excellent for protecting your partner from the spread of urinary-tract infections or sexually transmitted diseases. They can also make one or the other more comfortable during a time of genital irritation. As discussed, condoms must be used anytime you try anal sex.
Don’t close your mind to condoms. Don’t think of them as a deterrent to pleasure, I rather enjoy having my partner wear one, and we use them frequently. The moments that my partner spends putting on a condom are wonderful torture and can actually heighten my pleasure by making me wait for what is to come. While he is putting a condom on, he sometimes tells me what he is going to do to me when he is ready—step by step in wonderful detail.
Condoms have become increasingly easy to buy and use in the last few years. Every drugstore has many brands out on the shelves, singly and in packs of three, five, or a dozen.
Since the competition is heavy in this multi-million-dollar business, many improvements have been made. Condoms are no longer the heavy rubber sleeves that men summarily rejected as feeling like “washing your feet with your socks on.” They are thinner than the condoms of the past and permit more delicate sensations. They come in many shapes, with ticklers and reservoirs on the end, in many textures, with ribs or raised rubber studs, and in colors that range from golden yellow to black. They come lubricated or dry, rolled or unrolled; one type even comes packed in a fortune cookie. Some magazines sell sampler packs of fifty or a hundred. If you are using them for protection, the only necessity is that the ones you use be leakproof. If they’re just for fun, try the edible Kandie Kondoms I saw advertised recently.
My partner has always used the kind that are prelubricated, and the lubricant feels cold. I particularly enjoy the initial penetration when my muscles clench almost instinctively from the chill, giving us both an extra stimulation, in addition, there are times when the extra lubrication is welcome. Occasionally, I am not “dripping with love juice” for one reason or another, but I still want the feeling of my partner’s penis inside of me. If this happens, I suggest that we use a condom. Then I don’t feel threatened by my partner’s erection and my lack of physical arousal.
Children.
Don’t play sexual games with the children around unless you’re sure they won’t interrupt. Nothing reduces the passion level more quickly than the sound of someone at the bedroom door asking for a glass of water. If some little person should knock, however, tell him that you are having some personal time and that you’ll emerge in an hour. Put a hook on your bedroom door, high up and out of reach of little hands.
Reading Material.
The last few chapters of this book discuss erotica for both foreplay and communication. They also contain many erotic stories, written both to excite and instruct. You might want to explore the erotic reading matter in bookstores and on magazine racks. Much is available by mail. Beware. Many of these books and magazines use language that is a lot more explicit than the language I use and many of them describe situations that are much more offbeat than those I will illustrate. Be selective with what you share, particularly if you and your partner are still new to erotic literature. Some of those words and situations might be a complete turnoff. Warn your partner and explain that it is particularly important not to misunderstand or overreact. And if something does offend either of you, discard it and try something else.
BEDTIME STORIES
I
hope you have added bookmarking to your other communication tools. Here are some stories that can be used in a different way. They are read-alouds or act-outs, stories to heighten your sensuality. They’re fantasies, adventures in erotica.
By now, you may realize there are things that would be fun to try and there are things that are exciting only to fantasize or read about. The difference is most important.
A common female fantasy is rape, although no woman wants to actually be raped. The rape they imagine is forceful but nonviolent and nonpainful, usually done by someone they find physically attractive. Actual rape is abhorrent to any woman.
Many people enjoy fantasies in which they are watched by others while they make love, or in which they participate in sex with multiple partners. Although these are not monogamous activities, the fantasies can enhance your lovemaking.
The first way to use these nonmonogamous fantasies is to read or tell a story to your partner. Maybe you’d both enjoy a situation in which a woman is loved by several men at a time or during which several couples undress and an orgy ensues. Lie in bed with a glass of wine and some soft music. Open to a story at random or select one you already know. Read it aloud to your partner or read alternate paragraphs.
I hear you saying, “It’s embarrassing to say those things out loud.” You’re right, but it’s a titillating embarrassment. It’s erotic and incredibly exciting. It’s verbal foreplay. I will bet that if you start a story that excites both of you, you won’t finish it.
The second way to enjoy this type of activity is to act out a story. Pretend that your partner has become a different person partway through a lovemaking session and that he now has a different personality or is a different age or physical type. Pretend that the wizard is watching you through the curtains. Pretend that the sultan’s harem and guards are participating in your lovemaking. Pretend…
THE MAGIC CRYSTAL
Once upon a time in a faraway land lived a magician with extraordinary powers. It was said that he could make water run uphill, turn night into day, and turn lead into gold. People paid him handsomely for his magic potions and ointments, which, it was said, could cure everything from blindness to a bad cold.
The wizard was not an old man, but he had lived a long time and he had seen much. He had had three wives, each a worse nag than the last. Now, he satisfied himself with an occasional wench, and he had a housekeeper named Gabriella to take care of his suite of rooms in the king’s castle.
One day, Gabby was cleaning his workroom while he developed a particularly potent ointment to cure the king’s swollen, aching foot.
“Sir,” Gabby said, “could I ask you something?”
The magician looked up. Gabby had been working for him for over six months and this was the first time she had asked anything of him.
“What can I do for you, child?”
“What would it cost for you to make me a potion? Something that would make me attractive to men.”
“But you are a very lovely girl. What do you need with a potion?”
“Look at me. No man will take a second look at me.”