Nickels (26 page)

As they started back down, she got the same panicked feeling
as soon as the ground loomed hundreds of feet below.

“Afraid of heights, huh?” Matt asked.

“Only when the ground seems far away,” Niki replied with a
nervous laugh.

“So, tell me what Jack was like.”

She closed her eyes and brought forth a picture of her
brother.  When she opened her eyes, she looked at Matt instead of the distant
ground.  “He was serious and protective, at least when I went to live with him
in Germany.  We were pretty close, even before that.  With dad’s job moving us
around all the time, we were the only constants in each other’s lives despite
the four year age difference.  In school, he had always been athletic and I was
a geek.  He knew from the time he was in junior high that he wanted to go into
the Air Force.  He had no idea what he’d do when he got there, but that’s where
he always wanted to be.”

“What did he do in the Air Force?”

“I’m not entirely sure.  He was pretty hush, hush about it. 
I think he was some sort of weapons specialist.  He really tried to keep me
sheltered from his job as much as possible.”

“So, that wasn’t so bad,” Matt said, nodding towards the end
of the sky ride.  She couldn’t believe they were at the bottom already.  His
approach to distracting her had been a lot less upsetting than Kyle’s.  He
lifted the bar, and helped her off.

Since they were the first down, they went to hold a table at
the lodge restaurant.

Once seated, Niki remembered what Matt said about his group
meeting.  Maybe that was what she needed.  Maybe she would find some answers to
her confusing questions about God if she went.  At the very least, maybe she
would make some friends.  That would certainly be better than feeling so
overwhelmingly lonely all the time.

“When is that group meeting you were telling me about?” she
asked.

“We meet on Wednesdays at 6:30 at my house.  We usually have
dinner first, then the study.  We aren’t meeting this week, but will pick it up
again next week.”

“Can you give me directions?  And if I decide to come, do I
bring something or let you know ahead of time?”

“Just show up.”

Marcy headed towards Kyle a second time.  She stood next to
him, looking out at the valley below.

“Save it,” he said.

“I’m calmer now.  I just want to know what’s going on.  Why
did you kiss her?”

He didn’t know.  It was probably a mistake.

“It was the first thing that came to mind.”

Marcy snorted.  “Of course it was.”

“Look, it probably wasn’t the smartest thing I’ve ever
done.”

“No kidding?  If you’re trying to get her to notice
you—well, mission accomplished!  I’m just not so sure it’s the type of
attention you were hoping for.”

It wasn’t.  He knew Niki was furious.

But, she had looked so vulnerable and scared—like she
actually needed him for a change.  When she looked at him, her walls were
gone.  He saw the real Niki.  And she was so darn attractive.

That kiss.  He thought his heart might explode when she
kissed him back.

“I’ll talk to her.  Do some damage control,” he said.

“Good.”  Marcy started to walk away, but turned back towards
him.  “Be careful.  For both your sakes.”

Niki glared at Kyle as he and Joe joined them at the table,
followed by Chad and Marcy a few minutes later.  She was still ticked that he
kissed her.

“Joe and I were going to hit a movie tonight,” Matt said. 
“Anyone else up for a movie?”

“I’m taking Marcy to a nice dinner,” Chad said.

“I’m game,” Niki said.

“Me, too,” Kyle agreed. 

Drat.  She was hoping he would stay behind.  She wanted to
steer clear of him, especially since his kisses sent off a firestorm of
confusing emotions in her heart.

How impossible was that going to be?  The guy made a
nuisance of himself.  She worked with him—no avoiding that.  And he showed up
at random moments at her house because his sister lived there.  Not to mention
she still had two days of this camping trip left.

After lunch, she skillfully manipulated the return
transportation so she would be in the same car as Chad and Marcy, but more
importantly a different car than Kyle.  Marcy gave her an apologetic look, but
said nothing.

When they got back to camp, she took a walk along one of the
campground paths.  Wildflowers painted color against a canvas of tall wild
grass.  The ponderosa pines spiced the air with their heavy fragrance, calming
her troubled heart.  If only it could permanently wash away the confusion now
sprouting there.

She walked several yards along the path before spotting a
large rock.  Taking a seat, she turned her face up toward the sun and closed
her eyes.

Is God really there?  Did he care about her? 

If He did care, why did he leave her alone?

When no answer came, she opened her eyes.  A bird landed
nearby, scrounging for small sticks on the ground.  Finding one he liked, he
picked it up and flew high into one of the tall pine trees.  She turned her
attention away from the bird and up to the mountain.  A back drop of brilliant
blue melted behind the mountain, broken up occasionally with thick white
clouds.

Why did Kyle have to kiss her?

And why did she have to enjoy it so much?  It was bad enough
that she found herself thinking about him way too much on this trip as it was. 
Then he had to go and kiss her.

She still carried around so much pain.  Why did life have to
throw her this curve ball?  Couldn’t everyone just leave her alone?  She had
been doing just fine.

Right?

“Want some company?” Kyle’s voice broke through the
stillness from somewhere behind her.

“No.” 
Especially not your company.

A shadow fell across her face as he moved to stand in front
of her.

“What part of no don’t you understand?” she asked, making no
attempt to keep the acid from her voice.

“We need to talk.”

“What is there to talk about, Kyle?  You… You… Ugh!”  She
threw her hands in the air in frustration.  Then she turned her back to him.

He walked around to face her.  She turned her back again.

“Would you stop that?”

“Haven’t you done enough damage for one day?”  She folded
her arms across her chest.

“Look, I’m trying to apologize to you,” he said.

She stood and poked her finger into his chest.  “I don’t
want your apology.  You can’t get off that easy.  You totally took advantage of
the situation when there were a million other ways you could have distracted me
from my fear.  But no!  Kyle Jacobs from high school is back to ruin Niki
Turner’s life again!  You don’t get to just apologize and walk away all guilt
free!”

The irritation faded from his face, morphing into dismay and
maybe even pain.  He parted his lips to speak then pursed them shut.  He stared
at her for a minute, before taking a step back. 

As he turned to leave, he said, “For what it’s worth, I’m
sorry I hurt you.  But, I’m not sorry I kissed you.”

She watched as he walked away.  She was right to be angry. 
He shouldn’t have kissed her.  He couldn’t keep making her life miserable.  And
he deserved to feel guilty.

So why did she find herself feeling that way?

Chapter 23

A week after the camping trip, at midnight on Saturday
night—technically Sunday morning—Niki logged into her computer to prepare for a
code deployment.  Brian called her yesterday afternoon to see if she could fill
in for one of their consultants at Global Axis Systems.  She worked on a
project for them last year, so she was familiar enough with the code.  At least
she had remote access, so she could work from home.

Since it had been awhile, she logged in early to make sure
she remembered where everything was.  Getting familiar with the code base only
took about fifteen minutes.  Now she was up and logged in with tons of time to
kill since she couldn’t start the code deployment until one o’clock.

Tapping her fingers on her desk, she let the minutes tick
by.  When she remembered something she wanted to pick up at the store this
week, she absently reached into the desk drawer to get a pen.  Her fingers
brushed against an envelope that she didn’t remember putting in there, so she
glanced down.

Jack’s letters.  That’s right she put them there back on
Memorial Day.

Abandoning the pen, she slipped his last letter from the
stack and read it again.

One sentence in particular jumped from the page:  “I found
what I have always been looking for.”

I still don’t understand Jack.  You said it was Jesus,
but I don’t understand.  How could Jesus change a person?

Kyle.  His name jumped to her mind without warning.  She
swallowed hard.  What could he possibly have to do with Jesus?

Because he had changed, even if she hated to admit it.  She
was still mad at him for the sky ride incident.

But, this new version of Kyle that suddenly reappeared in
her life was a different man than the teenager who tortured her in high
school.  It confused her senseless.  If she looked at him objectively, she
could see a more sensitive and kind man.  He stood up for her against Todd’s
false accusations.  He fixed her car and wouldn’t accept repayment.  Those were
things that the old Kyle never would have done.

Was that the kind of change Jack was talking about?

A tear slid down her cheek.  Since reading that letter back
on Memorial Day, something stirred in her heart.  She understood the emptiness
that Jack talked about.  She felt it all too often.  She never felt like she
fit in as a kid at each of the new schools she was shoved into.  She always
felt like something was missing.  It only got worse as each family member
slipped away from her.

For many years, the hole had been so big and painful she
thought it might suck her in.  She was alone.  She was empty.  She lived her
life going through the motions.  On the outside she was snarky, funny,
well-put-together Niki.  But, on the inside she was broken, damaged—sometimes
she thought beyond repair.

If Jesus did what Jack said and changed him—maybe He even
changed Kyle—could He do something to help her?  A tiny spark of hope lit
within her soul.  Maybe there was something more.  Maybe, if she went to Matt’s
small group she would find out.

She sighed and rubbed her hand across her eyes.  She really
didn’t want to think about this right now.  She had work to do.  Folding Jack’s
letter, she stuffed it back in the envelope and closed the drawer.

Seeing her deployment reminder popup on her laptop, she
returned her attention to work.  At one, she started the deployment process,
updating the code on the three servers at Global.  When she went to validate
the changes, she kept getting an error.  The next hour and a half she worked
until she figured out the issue and fixed it.  Finally, everything validated.

Logging out, she flipped off the desk light.  Then she went
to bed and fell asleep quickly.