Night (5 page)

strolling down the platform, asking him to have the sick woman moved to a hospital car. “Patience,” the German replied, “patience. She'll be taken there soon.” Around eleven o'clock, the train began to move again. We pressed against the windows. The convoy was rolling slowly. A quarter of an hour later, it began to slow down even more. Through the windows, we saw barbed wire; we understood that this was the camp. We had forgotten Mrs. Schächter's existence. Suddenly there was a terrible scream: “Jews, look! Look at the fire! Look at the flames!” And as the train stopped, this time we saw flames rising from a tall chimney into a black sky. Mrs. Schächter had fallen silent on her own. Mute again, indif- ferent, absent, she had returned to her corner. We stared at the flames in the darkness. A wretched stench floated in the air. Abruptly, our doors opened. Strange-looking creatures, dressed in striped jackets and black pants, jumped into the wagon. Holding flashlights and sticks, they began to strike at us left and right, shouting: “Everybody out! Leave everything inside. Hurry up!” We jumped out. I glanced at Mrs. Schächter. Her little boy was still holding her hand. In front of us, those flames. In the air, the smell of burning flesh. It must have been around midnight. We had arrived. In Birkenau. T HE BELOVED OBJECTS that we had carried with us from place to place were now left behind in the wagon and, with them, finally, our illusions. Every few yards, there stood an SS man, his machine gun trained on us. Hand in hand we followed the throng. An SS came toward us wielding a club. He commanded: “Men to the left! Women to the right!” Eight words spoken quietly, indifferently, without emotion. Eight simple, short words. Yet that was the moment when I left my mother. There was no time to think, and I already felt my fa- ther's hand press against mine: we were alone. In a fraction of a second I could see my mother, my sisters, move to the right. Tzi- pora was holding Mother's hand. I saw them walking farther and farther away; Mother was stroking my sister's blond hair, as if to protect her. And I walked on with my father, with the men. I didn't know that this was the moment in time and the place where I was leaving my mother and Tzipora forever. I kept walk- ing, my father holding my hand. 28

T HE BELOVED OBJECTS that we had carried with us from place to place were now left behind in the wagon and, with them, finally, our illusions. Every few yards, there stood an SS man, his machine gun trained on us. Hand in hand we followed the throng. An SS came toward us wielding a club. He commanded: “Men to the left! Women to the right!” Eight words spoken quietly, indifferently, without emotion. Eight simple, short words. Yet that was the moment when I left my mother. There was no time to think, and I already felt my fa- ther's hand press against mine: we were alone. In a fraction of a second I could see my mother, my sisters, move to the right. Tzi- pora was holding Mother's hand. I saw them walking farther and farther away; Mother was stroking my sister's blond hair, as if to protect her. And I walked on with my father, with the men. I didn't know that this was the moment in time and the place where I was leaving my mother and Tzipora forever. I kept walk- ing, my father holding my hand. 29

Behind me, an old man fell to the ground. Nearby, an SS man replaced his revolver in its holster. My hand tightened its grip on my father. All I could think of was not to lose him. Not to remain alone. The SS officers gave the order. “Form ranks of fives!” There was a tumult. It was imperative to stay together. “Hey, kid, how old are you?” The man interrogating me was an inmate. I could not see his face, but his voice was weary and warm. “Fifteen.” “No. You're eighteen.” “But I'm not,” I said. “I'm fifteen.” “Fool. Listen to what I say.” Then he asked my father, who answered: “I'm fifty.” “No.” The man now sounded angry. “Not fifty. You're forty. Do you hear? Eighteen and forty.” He disappeared into the darkness. Another inmate appeared, unleashing a stream of invectives: “Sons of bitches, why have you come here? Tell me, why?” Someone dared to reply: “What do you think? That we came here of our own free will? That we asked to come here?” The other seemed ready to kill him: “Shut up, you moron, or I'll tear you to pieces! You should have hanged yourselves rather than come here. Didn't you know what was in store for you here in Auschwitz? You didn't know? In 1944?” True. We didn't know. Nobody had told us. He couldn't be- lieve his ears. His tone became even harsher: "Over there. Do you see the chimney over there? Do you see 30

it? And the flames, do you see them?“ (Yes, we saw the flames.) ”Over there, that's where they will take you. Over there will be your grave. You still don't understand? You sons of bitches. Don't you understand anything? You will be burned! Burned to a cin- der! Turned into ashes!“ His anger changed into fury. We stood stunned, petrified. Could this be just a nightmare? An unimaginable nightmare? I heard whispers around me: ”We must do something. We can't let them kill us like that, like cattle in the slaughterhouse. We must revolt.“ There were, among us, a few tough young men. They actually had knives and were urging us to attack the armed guards. One of them was muttering: ”Let the world learn about the existence of Auschwitz. Let everybody find out about it while they still have a chance to es- cape“ But the older men begged their sons not to be foolish: ”We mustn't give up hope, even now as the sword hangs over our heads. So taught our sages…“ The wind of revolt died down. We continued to walk until we came to a crossroads. Standing in the middle of it was, though I didn't know it then, Dr. Mengele, the notorious Dr. Mengele. He looked like the typical SS officer: a cruel, though not unintelli- gent, face, complete with monocle. He was holding a conductor's baton and was surrounded by officers. The baton was moving constantly, sometimes to the right, sometimes to the left. In no time, I stood before him. ”Your age?“ he asked, perhaps trying to sound paternal. ”I'm eighteen.“ My voice was trembling. ”In good health?“ ”Yes.“ ”Your profession?" 31

Tell him that I was a student? “Farmer,” I heard myself saying. This conversation lasted no more than a few seconds. It seemed like an eternity. The baton pointed to the left. I took half a step forward. I first wanted to see where they would send my father. Were he to have gone to the right, I would have run after him. The baton, once more, moved to the left. A weight lifted from my heart. We did not know, as yet, which was the better side, right or left, which road led to prison and which to the crematoria. Still, I was happy, I was near my father. Our procession continued slowly to move forward. Another inmate came over to us: “Satisfied?” “Yes,” someone answered. “Poor devils, you are heading for the crematorium.” He seemed to be telling the truth. Not far from us, flames, huge flames, were rising from a ditch. Something was being burned there. A truck drew close and unloaded its hold: small children. Babies! Yes, I did see this, with my own eyes…chil- dren thrown into the flames. (Is it any wonder that ever since then, sleep tends to elude me?) So that was where we were going. A little farther on, there was another, larger pit for adults. I pinched myself: Was I still alive? Was I awake? How was it possible that men, women, and children were being burned and that the world kept silent? No. All this could not be real. A night- mare perhaps…Soon I would wake up with a start, my heart pounding, and find that I was back in the room of my childhood, with my books… My father's voice tore me from my daydreams: 32

“What a shame, a shame that you did not go with your mother…I saw many children your age go with their mothers…” His voice was terribly sad. I understood that he did not wish to see what they would do to me. He did not wish to see his only son go up in flames. My forehead was covered with cold sweat. Still, I told him that I could not believe that human beings were being burned in our times; the world would never tolerate such crimes… “The world? The world is not interested in us. Today, every- thing is possible, even the crematoria…His voice broke. ”Father,“ I said. ”If that is true, then I don't want to wait. I'll run into the electrified barbed wire. That would be easier than a slow death in the flames.“ He didn't answer. He was weeping. His body was shaking. Everybody around us was weeping. Someone began to recite Kaddish, the prayer for the dead. I don't know whether, during the history of the Jewish people, men have ever before recited Kaddish for themselves. ”Yisgadal, veyiskadash, shmey raba…May His name be cele- brated and sanctified…" whispered my father. For the first time, I felt anger rising within me. Why should I sanctify His name? The Almighty, the eternal and terrible Master of the Universe, chose to be silent. What was there to thank Him for? We continued our march. We were coming closer and closer to the pit, from which an infernal heat was rising. Twenty more steps. If I was going to kill myself, this was the time. Our column had only some fifteen steps to go. I bit my lips so that my father would not hear my teeth chattering. Ten more steps. Eight. Seven. We were walking slowly, as one follows a hearse, our own funeral procession. Only four more steps. Three. There it was now, very close to us, the pit and its flames. I gathered all that re- 33

mained of my strength in order to break rank and throw myself onto the barbed wire. Deep down, I was saying good-bye to my father, to the whole universe, and, against my will, I found myself whispering the words: “Yisgadal, veyiskadash, shmey raba…May His name be exalted and sanctified…” My heart was about to burst. There. I was face-to-face with the Angel of Death… No. Two steps from the pit, we were ordered to turn left and herded into barracks. I squeezed my father's hand. He said: “Do you remember Mrs. Schächter, in the train?” NEVER SHALL I FORGET that night, the first night in camp, that turned my life into one long night seven times sealed. Never shall I forget that smoke. Never shall I forget the small faces of the children whose bod- ies I saw transformed into smoke under a silent sky. Never shall I forget those flames that consumed my faith for- ever. Never shall I forget the nocturnal silence that deprived me for all eternity of the desire to live. Never shall I forget those moments that murdered my God and my soul and turned my dreams to ashes. Never shall I forget those things, even were I condemned to live as long as God Himself. Never. THE BARRACK we had been assigned to was very long. On the roof, a few bluish skylights. I thought: This is what the antecham- ber of hell must look like. So many crazed men, so much shout- ing, so much brutality. 34

Dozens of inmates were there to receive us, sticks in hand, striking anywhere, anyone, without reason. The orders came: “Strip! Hurry up! Raus! Hold on only to your belt and your shoes…” Our clothes were to be thrown on the floor at the back of the barrack. There was a pile there already. New suits, old ones, torn overcoats, rags. For us it meant true equality: nakedness. We trembled in the cold. A few SS officers wandered through the room, looking for strong men. If vigor was that appreciated, perhaps one should try to appear sturdy? My father thought the opposite. Better not to draw attention. (We later found out that he had been right. Those who were selected that day were incorporated into the Sonder- Kommando, the Kommando working in the crematoria. Béla Katz, the son of an important merchant of my town, had arrived in Birkenau with the first transport, one week ahead of us. When he found out that we were there, he succeeded in slipping us a note. He told us that having been chosen because of his strength, he had been forced to place his own father's body into the furnace.) The blows continued to rain on us: “To the barber!” Belt and shoes in hand, I let myself be dragged along to the barbers. Their clippers tore out our hair, shaved every hair on our bodies. My head was buzzing; the same thought surfacing over and over: not to be separated from my father. Freed from the barbers' clutches, we began to wander about the crowd, finding friends, acquaintances. Every encounter filled us with joy—yes, joy: Thank God! You are still alive! Some were crying. They used whatever strength they had left to cry. Why had they let themselves be brought here? Why didn't they die in their beds? Their words were interspersed with sobs. 35

Suddenly someone threw his arms around me in a hug: Yehiel, the Sigheter rebbe's brother. He was weeping bitterly. I thought he was crying with joy at still being alive. “Don't cry, Yehiel,” I said. “Don't waste your tears…” “Not cry? We're on the threshold of death. Soon, we shall be inside…Do you understand? Inside. How could I not cry?” I watched darkness fade through the bluish skylights in the roof. I no longer was afraid. I was overcome by fatigue. The absent no longer entered our thoughts. One spoke of them—who knows what happened to them?—but their fate was not on our minds. We were incapable of thinking. Our senses were numbed, everything was fading into a fog. We no longer clung to anything. The instincts of self-preservation, of self- defense, of pride, had all deserted us. In one terrifying moment of lucidity, I thought of us as damned souls wandering through the void, souls condemned to wander through space until the end of time, seeking redemption, seeking oblivion, without any hope of finding either. AROUND FIVE O'CLOCK in the morning, we were expelled from the barrack. The Kapos were beating us again, but I no longer felt the pain. A glacial wind was enveloping us. We were naked, hold- ing our shoes and belts. An order: “Run!” And we ran. After a few minutes of running, a new barrack. A barrel of foul-smelling liquid stood by the door. Disinfec- tion. Everybody soaked in it. Then came a hot shower. All very fast. As we left the showers, we were chased outside. And ordered to run some more. Another barrack: the storeroom. Very long ta- bles. Mountains of prison garb. As we ran, they threw the clothes at us: pants, jackets, shirts… 36

In a few seconds, we had ceased to be men. Had the situation not been so tragic, we might have laughed. We looked pretty strange! Meir Katz, a colossus, wore a child's pants, and Stern, a skinny little fellow, was floundering in a huge jacket. We immedi- ately started to switch. I glanced over at my father. How changed he looked! His eyes were veiled. I wanted to tell him something, but I didn't know what. The night had passed completely. The morning star shone in the sky. I too had become a different person. The student of Talmud, the child I was, had been consumed by the flames. All that was left was a shape that resembled me. My soul had been invaded—and devoured—by a black flame. So many events had taken place in just a few hours that I had completely lost all notion of time. When had we left our homes? And the ghetto? And the train? Only a week ago? One night? One single night? How long had we been standing in the freezing wind? One hour? A single hour? Sixty minutes? Surely it was a dream. NOT FAR FROM US, prisoners were at work. Some were digging holes, others were carrying sand. None as much as glanced at us. We were withered trees in the heart of the desert. Behind me, people were talking. I had no desire to listen to what they were saying, or to know who was speaking and what about. Nobody dared raise his voice, even though there was no guard around. We whispered. Perhaps because of the thick smoke that poisoned the air and stung the throat. We were herded into yet another barrack, inside the Gypsy camp. We fell into ranks of five. 37